I think the NFL might have broken me. There is absolutely nothing of interest to note. Why, one of the biggest headlines of the day is:

Chiefs fan fined $500 for shining laser at Tom Brady

and that’s saying something, given that full camps open in a week.

(FYI – the fan in question, 64 year-old Dwyan Morgan, was fined $500 & permanently banned from Arrowhead Stadium. Boston Twitter & WEEI have, naturally, demanded the man’s public execution.)

So, given there is fuck-all to talk about NFL-wise today, I went to the English major well, and a combination of aggravation & self-interest pulled up “The Waste Land” by TS Eliot.

Screw April – right now is the cruelest month. My attention span must be sated every five minutes or blood will flow.

Nevertheless, I recall having used this clip before. And I do so hate to repeat myself. Luckily, next up in the queue came an equally bleak classic of English literature,

Ahh – so refreshing. SO LONG! It’s hard to believe Samuel Taylor Coleridge enjoyed opium, isn’t it? Oh man **puff** what this poem needs is another ten minutes! But it did give us the immortal saying about regret,

Ah! Well a-day! What evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of the cross, the albatross
About my neck was hung.

And it inspired this sketch by an obscure group of Oxbridge comedians,

The poem did give us one of the most famously misquoted lines of all time:

Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

The quatrain itself makes the correct reference – they are trapped in the middle of a calm ocean, unable to move & running short on fresh drinking water – that most people associate with the statement. Modern linguistics, and a later, subtle rewriting of the verse by Coleridge, have given us the “…but not a drop to drink” phrasing most people are accustomed to hearing.

Finally, one aspect of the poem that is also usually misinterpreted is the definition of “ancient”. The mariner himself is not old, as “ancient” might imply. In fact, the initial illustrations for the poem – done by David Scott, and in the National Gallery of Scotland (Edinburgh)

place emphasis on the physical age of the mariner, as if he is old at the time of the voyage. Coleridge hated this, as he saw his poem as a parable for doing great wrong and paying for it for a long time. In Coleridge’s mind, the mariner is old because his penance for killing the albatross is to travel the earth warning people to not do evil, and he is “ancient” because he has retold this tale to thousands of random people over the decades since, to help them right their paths.

Later illustrations by Gustave Dore are a better rendition of the point Coleridge was trying to get across,

There are many narrated versions of the poem online, if you choose to seek them out. There are versions also by Orson Welles, Richard Burton, as well as by many a twee high school & first-year university student hoping to win over that influential teacher they so want to impress. Fortunately, there’s a shorter, more potent version to go with.

Remember – “the moral of this story is this is ‘what not to do if a bird shit’s on you’.” Truer words.

Tonight’s sports: oh God, another wasteland. At least the CFL is on.

• CFL:
  • Argonauts at Stampeders – 9:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN
• MLB:
  • Rays at Yankees – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
  • Cardinals at Reds – 7:00PM | MLBN
• MLS Soccer:
  • FC Cincinnati vs. D.C. United – 8:00PM | ESPN / TSN2
  • Timbers vs. Orlando City SC – 10:00PM | ESPN
• AFL:
  • Adelaide vs. Essendon – 5:30AM | TSN2

Before I leave you in Seamus’ capable hands for Friday, a belated thanks to all for the birthday wishes. I’ll see you this weekend.