So, that was a game last night, wasn’t it? Contrary to popular opinion, that was a real football game that counted in the standings and not just another pre-season game that season-ticket holders were forced to pay full price for.
For those of you that stayed up with us and participated in the first Live Blog of the year, you witnessed over 1090 comments and a new banner quote that perfectly encapsulates Green Bay’s 10-3 victory over the Chicago Bears.
Here are your highlights in case you missed the game:
During the game, attentions…wander. And we get into some interesting topics. At one point, I announced I was going to Pornhub to… well, you know. And this spawned a great idea from King Hippo in which you, our loyal readers, would submit Pornhub search terms for me to look up and we had some excellent suggestions.
So, in the interest of educating the DFO audience and the public at large, I will begin a weekly Thursday Night Football game recap and Pornhub search term results report.
Search Term: “Vintage Turkish”
Requestor: Brick Meathook
Results: 1182
Report: I was pleasantly surprised that the initial results were not particularly disgusting. In fact, the very first video, titled “Turkish Perfect Girls” featured two very hot and shapely Turkish blondes doing fun stuff with each other. The third result put the “Vintage” in “Vintage Turkish” as the video titled “Retro Turkish Porn” featured a Turkish dude with a frosted tip afro, heavy mustache-like eyebrows, and the vacant look of a dude with a giant penis and no blood going to his brain.
Score: This search term was Top Notch! What about a Fresca?
***
Search Term: Dustpan and brush
Requestor: Viva La Tabula Raza
Results: 1263
Report: Somewhat predictably and pretty disturbingly, the bulk of the results involved ladies using the back end of a hair brush for something other than it’s normal intended use. To paraphrase Dave Attell, who knew you needed a hair brush in the bath? Alas, no dustpans were found in the first seven pages…
Score: The severe lack of dustpans renders this search term less effective: B-
***
Search Term: “Smokey bear”
Requestor: ArmedandHammered
Results: 1296
Report: I was expecting to see a bunch of fat dudes. However, the first result was an old grandma smoking a cigarette. In fact, the bulk of the first page consisted of women in various states of undress smoking either a cigarette or a cigar. This is apparently a big fetish and I’m apparently a very innocent Mexican as I did not know this was a thing. ColoUr me surprised.
Score: Incomplete. I did not dare go past the first page of results. Some things you can’t unsee.
***
Search Term: “Gaping Hole”
Requestor: Spur
Results: 1388
Report: This was the most popular search term yet, which tells us a lot about this world we live in. As you can probably guess, this search term produced videos which featured various holes which were opened wide or, as the kids call it nowadays, “gaped”. Thankfully, I did not see anything approaching Goatse level, but I’m sure there is probably a video like that somewhere on the 28th page of results. I did not dare go that far. Call me a traditionalist, but I like my anal sex tight, not wide open like any receiver facing the Bears secondary.
Score: 3 points. Just like the Bears.
***
Finally, we had:
Search Term: “ballsack full of coins”
Requestor: BFC
Results: 1179
Report: Interestingly, the videos that came up on the search were mostly about blowjobs and paying special attention to the guy’s nutsack. I was very pleasantly surprised that there was an actual video that featured coins! I was definitely not expecting that. My favourite title was “Ballsack Inspector” with “Stuffing coins into my tight little asshole, but oh no! They get stuck!” coming in a close second.
Score: I need a shower. Clink.
***
That’s been your Thursday Night Football Review! Make sure to write in the comments any search terms you want me to look up and report on next week. See you next Friday!
Okay. Someone joked about balls in a glass in the Cocktail thread and shout out to “CUTE STUDENT WITH GLASSES DECIDED TO CHECK HOW MUCH SPERM IN MY EGGS” by user Flamurr. She’s really cute and it’s a pretty good POV video.
noted for research purposes
Estonia/Belarus (which I am christening the Track Suit Derby) is boring as fuck
There is a lot of criminal (including cyber!) that is not on TV.
“That is a LOT of vintage fetish drawings you have on file.”
-Moose
I said this with no one else in the room.
3/54M extension for Tyreek Hill
How many punched toddlers and pregnant women does that include?
Well, at long last he can maybe afford to pay a fraction of his child support?
I don’t think that helps with visitation……
And to think after reading about last night’s game I was so tempted to break my pledge and start watching the NFL again…
This Is Fine.
Also, all I know is there is never enough lesbian businesswoman content anywhere.
We need a Shithole Countries World Cup
Isn’t that the MLS Cup?
Won a bet this am on Uzbeki-bekistan U23s, lost on Latvia U21s.
fuck you, YOU have a problem
First of all, who uses Pornhub? That is the tube site I only visit when a Bing search sends me there. Not just out of decade-plus loyalty – Xvideos Forever! – but because any and every porn site with autoplaying videos can get eaten by Stuxnet. Fuck that.
Anyway,
A couple Dancing Bear videos show up from page 2 onward. It’s not until Page 4 that you get “bears” and the first two are just fat, hairy dudes with their wives. Then a cuckold video where hubby sucks, but by far it’s smoking fetish videos. The other “bear” videos are that term used in hetero sex (and one video of a fat, hairy guy humping pillows). However, “Teddy Bear Rubbing” is on Page 7 if you’re looking for a slightly different kink.
Thanks, Balls.
Hippo prefers redtube, but xvideos is a solid #2
Yeah, but Redtube is also owned by MindGeek. Xvideos and Xhamster are the two biggest non-MG tube sites (but yet all three are based out of Canada, which really makes me disappointed in the U.S.).
I has no clue what MindGeek is. I might as well be 70, given my lack of cultural awareness
That’s because you have a job and a life and people around you.
-ish
Still. No one who doesn’t work in porn should know or gaf
Xvideos used to be my go-to until the lady friend got me on the Pornhub.
Fair enough
Well, the porn search certainly was a nice diversion from that wrecked rectum of a game.
Hmm, “wrecked rectum.”
No way in hell I’m looking that one up….
For those so inclined, skip the middleman and just search for HotKinkyJo. She puts the goatse dude to shame.
it should be like “what’s in my bag?” but it’s mystery item up the butt
In my mind 20K of the current 23K views are from people reading this column at work.Those are rookie numbers. We have to get those numbers up! Hopefully it’ll get mehmet to post more videos of these girls (and, of course, for them to make more videos).
This may be my new favoUrite content mine.
Speaking of which, my term for next week is “content mine”
I’m going with ‘vestibule management’ because that’s my thing.
The results put the emphasis on ‘management’ so it’s mostly workers doing their bosses.
So every once in a while I like to go behind the curtain and see what searches brought people to the site. Often times there’s some weird sexual shit, either because of our creativity in the Dick Joke division or because of *ahem* special interest posts like Sexy Friday and the AVN Awards breakdowns.
With the advent of “Balls Goes Balls Deep” I’m pretty sure we’re going to get flagged as a porn site within 15 seconds.
“15 seconds!?!? What are you, some kind of marathon router?”*
-ARPANET
*translated from binary
I’d rather watch most of these than any more Bears games if Nagy keeps calling plays like last night
Oh this is going to be fantastic.
I haven’t really exercised like at all since moving here in July. But i just got an email that the adult soccer league here found a spot for me on an adult league team. First game is 4p on Sunday.
All I can say is, thank goodness it’s co-Ed.
i assume you play centre pylon
10am Best coast time
Never played soccer, but in mixed doubles volleyball and mountain biking the women have things to prove and the men usually try to show off; beware. In lesser rec leagues the above does not really apply as you get people of both sexes who are lumps.
centre back or DM is the best position for perving
This is great! Now I have something else to look forward to this season, because after last night, I am not so sure it will be the actual games.