Your “I Knew You’d Come Crawling Back” Monday Night Football Open Thread

Were you not entertained yesterday? I certainly was. We had safeties, plenty of derpage, surprises, comebacks, new stars (if only for one week) and the usual disappointments. All in all, a great bag of tricks. I’ll throw a few cogitations at you. Think of it as an addendum to the much-beloved “Hippo Thoughts”.

Fallout:

-sure glad I didn’t invest in Baker Mayfield. I know he’ll be just fine but his line is going to make things rough for him here and there.

-next week’s Bills/Jizziants game is going to redefine the word ‘uglyball’.

-slam the brakes on this Hollywood Brown guy. He only had 15 snaps all game and the Ravens aren’t going to reverse direction and fling the ball all day all of a sudden. He got a bit lucky. Look for major regression next week.

-Alex Mattison. He’s got major talent and the Vikes would be wise to develop a package of plays for him rather than just use him as a fill-in for Cook.

-I’ve said this to anyone who’d listen and several who didn’t: Calvin Ridley is such enormous value in fantasy. Julio will always get the best cb and safety help to boot. That leaves Calvin on a lesser talent and he flourishes. “But he only had a couple of big games last year, that’s why his TD total is inflated”, you say. I say he scored 10 as a rookie finding his way in the offense and will be even better this year. Matt Ryan trusts him and the Falcons will be throwing all year long. Don’t be afraid to play this guy.

-I predicted that Jordan Howard would be left behind at some point but week 1 was a surprise.

-congrats to those that played Desean! You’ll be paid back next week with 2 catch, 23 yard outing. Such is the nature of that beast.

-Mustache Minshew’s fall back to reality is going to be even more painful than a broken collarbone.

-don’t pull the plug on Damien Williams just yet but it sure doesn’t look promising.

TO THE GAMES!

Texans/Saints:

Houston’s O-line gave up a league-high 62 sackeroos last year. The Tonsil (intentional) trade might make a wee bit of difference but that line play is affecting qb Watson’s development. Them Saints are psyched about a UFDA they found by the name of Deonte Harris, a wee lad that goes 5’6″, 170 and played DII football at Assumption College. He holds the all divisions record for most career return TD’s at 14. You know what they say about players that ball out at Assumption…

Den/Oak:

You know what fans of the Broncos new qb are called? Flaccolytes. (I thunked that up all on my own! I probably read it somewhere and forgot about it ) Most folks slept on rb Lindsay during draft season because of the yapping about Freeman but I don’t buy it at all. I guess we’ll see if the hubbub around te Darren Waller was justified.

Pluck those strings folks!

 

 

 

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Brick Meathook

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King Hippo

My Bloody Valentine plays on loop

Doktor Zymm

Hardcore Cure fans are underrepresented in professional sports

Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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ALXMAC

Disturbing

Unsurprised

Isn’t that the older brother from Prison Break?

Duchess

Guess who has two thumbs and was told today his position is being ended at the end of the month???

?THIS GUY!!?

King Hippo

start a fire or a series of fires

/sorry dude

Sharkbait

That sucks man.

Doktor Zymm

Hope you’re getting a sweet, sweet severance package. Or at the very least they don’t actually expect you to do any work the next couple weeks and let you use company resources for job hunting

Duchess

No severance was working as a contractor got an email at 7pm saying that they now want a timesheet given to them at the end of every day. So i am actively looking for something… Fuck I may have to deliver Pizzas just to pay the bills and say fuck off with that noise.

Unsurprised

Motherfuckers.

WCS

Time to go full Peter Gibbons.

Sincerely sorry, bud.

Unsurprised

That’s unfortunate.

At least you have your thumbs.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That sucks. You’ll be a’ight. You smrt.

Duchess

My resume has been friend-zoned so many times “This is a very strong resume unfortunately we don’t have anything that fits your skillset, but you will make the right employer happy one day”

Mr. Ayo

Sorry to hear. Make sure you’re properly hung over when you show up tomorrow.

Unsurprised

California did a good. https://archive.is/CHzlT

King Hippo

fucking motherfucker. NEVAR draft a player from Paedo State

King Hippo

Hippo Reacts Reasonably

theeWeeBabySeamus

As one does.

Mr. Ayo

ELITE drop.

Unsurprised

Gahhhhhh

If anyone wants to know what it feels like to fall on that dirt in Oakland Coliseum: Go outside right now, sprint as fast as you can in the middle of the street, once you get to full speed jump up as high as you can and belly flop on the pavement. #Facts

— Justin Forsett (@JForsett) September 10, 2019

King Hippo

watch Donks’ RT be out for the season. It’s absolute bullshit the League lets them play on this shit pitch (or the one in Landover, MD)

Doktor Zymm

Chicago too. I notice a pattern, the places where I live are all places with football surfaces that eat people’s lower extremeties…

WCS

Stay away from Yinzburgh. Ketchup Park has enough problems already.

Brick Meathook

The Raiders should be more XFL and take injured players off the field in a classic ‘59 Cadillac hearse, with the Raiders logo on the doors and hood.

Unsurprised

Isn’t Elon Musk into Rockabilly? Make it a Tesla and he could be the next owner.

theeWeeBabySeamus

What time does the game start?

WCS

Noon Saturday.

King Hippo

NC State is -7 in Morganhole. There’s NO WAY y’all are THAT bad.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippo beat me to it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I can’t believe the line on that one.
That’s one to lay some dough on the ‘Eers.

ALXMAC

(tWBS is now officially in Concussion protocol)

theeWeeBabySeamus

Everyone’s been knowing that for a while.

Unsurprised

Ah, man. The first season of Mad Men is so good and so much better than the rest. I guess that kind of figures with most TV series. Like the saying about the first book (or whatever). That one took twenty years to write. The next … doesn’t.

King Hippo

way to concuss yourself for a 15-yard penno, dickass

WCS

Concussed his teammate, so it’s actually a friendly-fire scorogamy.

King Hippo

JEEBUS, damned near took his head off (on replay)

Mr. Ayo

I really enjoy the slo-mo replays of a guy getting maimed. Good sport, this.

Unsurprised

Did we get more concerned or just older? Or both?

King Hippo

I have the compassion of your average garden hose, so it’s probably just noticing how much getting old sucks (painwise) on a personal, non-gladiator level

Mr. Ayo

Agreed. I’ve hurt myself sleeping. Can’t imagine what these lads will be dealing with if they make it to our age.

King Hippo

my very first neck owie was from sleep

/fist bump

Unsurprised

I had one of those last week.

King Hippo

find a gooood neck/ortho doctor, one who PRESCRIBES

Unsurprised

I don’t/can’t do pills.

Unsurprised

Isn’t that more of a Cardinals play?

Doktor Zymm

They should leave the football markings on the field when it’s being used for baseball

Mr. Ayo

The Vegas stadium should have ceremonial foul lines and a mound cover.

Brick Meathook

I always loved football games in the fall played on baseball diamonds and this is the last season of that ever. Those super-perfect fields which are mostly fake are over-rated. I want to see more clouds of dust.

Doktor Zymm

Theory: We’re in the darkest timeline 80s rehash, which is why there are suddenly tons of Zima reboots

Sharkbait

Trump is a thing. Cocaine is now oxy. Checks out.

ALXMAC

White Claw Black Cherry ain’t bad.

Doktor Zymm

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Mr. Ayo

Your arms a bit hairier than I expected.

King Hippo

for those wondering, I did drop a quarter on the Donks to win at the half (+440). Because FUCK THE RAIDERS

King Hippo

Think I’mma just stay up all night, go into work around 6. Get a GREAT parking spot.

Doktor Zymm

Put a piece of cellotape over the optical eye on everyone’s mouse. Watch chaos ensue

King Hippo

THIS Doktor gets it!!

Sharkbait

Delightfully evil. I approve

Mr. Ayo

An ex-employee tried this on me once.

ONCE.

WCS

That was like watching an elephant fuck a pigeon.

King Hippo

fookin’ pigeon was asking fer it

Viva La Tabula Raza

With enough spit and determination, the elephant fucks the ant.

WCS

I see Chuck Pagano’s calling the plays.

King Hippo

MOAR LIEK Chuck Pagano’s cancer smh

King Hippo

this is like watching an elephant try to fuck a bowling ball

Doktor Zymm

I’m betting that’s one of the smaller fetish communities

Senor Weaselo

But extant, of course.

Viva La Tabula Raza

That might be a bridge too far for Balls’s pornhub search experiment.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Dude, you are going to scratch the finish on that car by standing on the hood in your shoes.

Unsurprised

Jerry Falwell Jr. Tells Story Of Jesus Getting Revenge On Apostle Who Ratted Out His Corruption Schemes

“As people of faith, we all must remember the valuable lesson in the Gospel of Matthew where the apostle Philip thought he could stab Jesus in the back, but ended up paying dearly for double-crossing the Son of God,” said Falwell, adding that it was chapter four, verses 21 through 23, when Christ proclaimed that he would stop at nothing to get retribution on the rat fuck who broke ranks.

Doktor Zymm

Sounds legit, Aramaic was a way more ‘street poetic’ language than people give it credit for

Redshirt

Matthew 4:21-23 21Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, 22and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him. 23Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.

This may be like John Smith and I need a decoder ring or something to get the True Text.

Unsurprised

James and John are the canaries.

Beerguyrob

Vic Fangio has done more in one half to justify Jon Gruden’s salary than Jon Gruden has in two years.

The Maestro

Man, Joe Flacco is absolute dogshit.

Doktor Zymm

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Unsurprised

“THE NFL IS DOGSHIT” is the Cosmic Being Brain level?

King Hippo

broke, woke, BESPOKE chuh chuh

Doktor Zymm

What do you expect from someone whose name rhymes with ‘pant’?

Unsurprised

He’s not welcome in our clubhouse.

Doktor Zymm

Was the previous game an actually watchable, close game as the final score suggests, or was it normal prime time pap?

Sharkbait

It went full on bananacakes at the end.

Mr. Ayo

Full bananacakes game. It was far more wild than you can imagine.

Doktor Zymm

Aw man, stupid fun game being all early and stuff. Cake is one of the most palatable ways to eat bananas!

Viva La Tabula Raza

It was certainly a lot more entertaining and competitive than I think anyone here expected, myself included.

Unsurprised

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Sharkbait

I want to go to there.

Unsurprised

Same. I just reconstructed it from a saved Instagram I had forgotten about. Apparently it’s Maui.

King Hippo

#MeToo

#TooPoor

Game Time Decision

just over to the left is where yeah right fell

Unsurprised

There Be Dragon Rolls

Unsurprised

FYI, the full-size image is 4319×1078, 300 DPI.

King Hippo

HAIL BLEERGH FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!

King Hippo

Well, at least I can cut Flacco now!

Doktor Zymm

Is Denver going to be a sort of ‘Last Chance Saloon’ for former Superb Owl QBs looking to repeat before retiring?

King Hippo

yeah. We don’t think outside the box too good.

Mr. Ayo

Makes sense they converted to a glue factory.

King Hippo

JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST

Mr. Ayo

Elite Flacco is not leading a comeback.

Sharkbait

Mrs. Sharkbait: Who the hell is G-Eazy

Me: He looks like a dollar store Lin Manuel Miranda

Mrs Sharkbait: He looks like a poon.

Unsurprised

I should redo this gif, but I just remembered I have it and it seems useful to mock Fitzmagic.
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Doktor Zymm

Thanks to our evil NFL overlords for holding a weeknight game that’s still happening when I get home!

King Hippo

FIRST DOWN WOO!!!!

Sharkbait

Baby steps!

King Hippo

before u noe it, we be attempting a field goal!

Unsurprised

It was worth the effort. Homer Gruden:

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Game Time Decision

starts writing “game over”

Sharkbait

I’m gonna regret picking the Donks in a survivor pool aren’t I?

King Hippo

uh…yeah

King Hippo

I would go watch 2nd half at the strip club, but I’m too annoyed to hold a fake conversation.

Senor Weaselo

Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome…

That’s all the words I know but that’s all that matters.

yeah right

But the breastages.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Better and more economical to just hang out here and have fake conversations with the rest of us.

The Maestro

I know the Raiders are a dumpster fire and all, but damn if I don’t love seeing them playing overtop of an infield. I’m gonna miss that after the move to Vegas.

yeah right

Motherfucker I’m playing on dirt!

Redshirt

In the Right Tackle’s defense, the pitcher hasn’t been looking his way so it makes sense to extend his lead off from third base.

Senor Weaselo

Rooted in Oakland!
/Seriously that’s the A’s thing
//Dick joke

The Maestro

Jon Gruden has those glasses hanging around his neck because he’s trying to trick everyone into thinking he actually knows how to read.

Redshirt

That’s Vontaze Burfict? That’s the guy I’ve been cheering and defending for the past seven years?

I deserve all those playoff losses.

Gratliff

I had to see this, so now you have to as well
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Col. Duke LaCross

Classy.

The Maestro

This shirt kicks so much ass. I love it.

Sharkbait

NEDM

Unsurprised

The Fall 2019 Mullen collection has dropped?

Fronkenshteen

Gruden with the fucking reading glasses around his neck. Hilarious.

yeah right

DJ TAJ briefly lost his faith in his lord and savior Breesus Christ, nothing a beer, shot and bowl couldn’t restore.
A successful opening day.

Apart from the whole falling on my face on a sidewalk thing.
Much success!

Unsurprised

Vape gets in your eyes?

yeah right

Now that you mention it.

Unsurprised

I am a genius.

jjfozz

If you shop at touchofmodern.com, you’re probably drinking a White Claw.

King Hippo

oh yeah, tackle hurt on that trash heap field. FUCKING GREAT

Sharkbait

BLEERGH is pleased with this game’s offerings.

jjfozz

“flacco was swallowed up.”

Play by play on Joe’s honeymoon night.

The Maestro

Ooh, I dunno. That sounds, uh, a little too kinky and risqué for a man like Flacco, after all…

The Maestro

He is the quintessential “missionary for exactly 3 minutes and 42 seconds with the lights off” dude. NO ONE DENIES THIS

Viva La Tabula Raza

3 minutes and 42 seconds? What is he, a marathon runner?

Unsurprised

more like Roger Bannister

Senor Weaselo

John Cage he isn’t.

The Maestro

John Cage’s 4’33” is the only song on Joe Flacco’s sex playlist.

Unsurprised

Brett Favre is dying of envy

King Hippo

missionary without eye contact or GTFO!!

King Hippo

I wish I was temporarily not single, just so I could yell I got my Chubb on honey, let’s go!

Sharkbait

You can message that to Riley Reed. Not sure if that will help though.

King Hippo

I’m sure she’ll be drowning in her panties from my suave MOVES