Were you not entertained yesterday? I certainly was. We had safeties, plenty of derpage, surprises, comebacks, new stars (if only for one week) and the usual disappointments. All in all, a great bag of tricks. I’ll throw a few cogitations at you. Think of it as an addendum to the much-beloved “Hippo Thoughts”.
Fallout:
-sure glad I didn’t invest in Baker Mayfield. I know he’ll be just fine but his line is going to make things rough for him here and there.
-next week’s Bills/Jizziants game is going to redefine the word ‘uglyball’.
-slam the brakes on this Hollywood Brown guy. He only had 15 snaps all game and the Ravens aren’t going to reverse direction and fling the ball all day all of a sudden. He got a bit lucky. Look for major regression next week.
-Alex Mattison. He’s got major talent and the Vikes would be wise to develop a package of plays for him rather than just use him as a fill-in for Cook.
-I’ve said this to anyone who’d listen and several who didn’t: Calvin Ridley is such enormous value in fantasy. Julio will always get the best cb and safety help to boot. That leaves Calvin on a lesser talent and he flourishes. “But he only had a couple of big games last year, that’s why his TD total is inflated”, you say. I say he scored 10 as a rookie finding his way in the offense and will be even better this year. Matt Ryan trusts him and the Falcons will be throwing all year long. Don’t be afraid to play this guy.
-I predicted that Jordan Howard would be left behind at some point but week 1 was a surprise.
-congrats to those that played Desean! You’ll be paid back next week with 2 catch, 23 yard outing. Such is the nature of that beast.
-Mustache Minshew’s fall back to reality is going to be even more painful than a broken collarbone.
-don’t pull the plug on Damien Williams just yet but it sure doesn’t look promising.
TO THE GAMES!
Texans/Saints:
Houston’s O-line gave up a league-high 62 sackeroos last year. The Tonsil (intentional) trade might make a wee bit of difference but that line play is affecting qb Watson’s development. Them Saints are psyched about a UFDA they found by the name of Deonte Harris, a wee lad that goes 5’6″, 170 and played DII football at Assumption College. He holds the all divisions record for most career return TD’s at 14. You know what they say about players that ball out at Assumption…
Den/Oak:
You know what fans of the Broncos new qb are called? Flaccolytes. (I thunked that up all on my own! I probably read it somewhere and forgot about it ) Most folks slept on rb Lindsay during draft season because of the yapping about Freeman but I don’t buy it at all. I guess we’ll see if the hubbub around te Darren Waller was justified.
Pluck those strings folks!
White Claw, Truly, fucking pussy shit. I fucking blame millenials. Goddamn. Go drink a weekender of Schaefer, do cheap tequila shots, throw up, and move on with your life.
I was at exactly one social event during the summer and at least 90% of those fuckers had a white claw in their hands as though being part of the trend would somehow make up for the fact that they were all painfully boring.
Maybe it’s stupid machismo, but when I go to a party, I avoid dudes drinking those types of drinks because I know I will hate them the moment they talk. If I wanted to hear about your Porsche, bland girlfriend, and how much money you made in the stock market, I’d be drinking one those Trulys.
Yes.
I think they’re also supposed to be cheap. So they can just hold one for hours.
I only regret not trying original recipe Four Loko when I had the chance, instead throwing up on my own concoction of Mountain Dew Voltage and Dubra Vodka.
Same
It’s worthless. It’s weak and it doesn’t taste like anything (but at least they were free).
You need to review you history for Zima, and before that Boone’s Farm with ice. Same shit different era.
Wait, Vontaze has a rep as a dirty player? What next, Trump has a rep as an incompetent fucktard?
Actually they are scarily similar. Both could’ve been so good if they quit doing stupid shit and actually think before acting.
Elite penalty
Obligatory “woo suck it Dead Sox.” Though I did miss the bananacakes ending.
Roller coaster of emotions for me on fantasy this week:
1. Started off badly Thursday night with cohen getting insufficient touches
2. Sunday desean jackson scores a shit ton of points on my bench
3. Sunday night McDonald and montcrief combine for about 5 points.
4. Go into the first game with a pretty big deficit, luckily my saints players are able to over come it. And then they score even more points,
5. Opponent is finishing the night with broncos defense, with the raiders scoring on the first drive.
If I lose this, might have to wonder if there isn’t any Devine intervention
Y’all should have listened to me on Desean. He’s going out swinging this year and giving everyone a friendly middle finger on the way.
It is going to be glorious.
He was un-auctioned, and I have pretty decent odds at #1 waiver priority Tuesday night.
i just lost due to Lutz’s kick. gah
WATCH THE FAKE
— Party announcement when Caitlyn Jenner enters.
He/She did it wrong. I mean if you’re gonna do it, get tits on your back too.
Chubb is gonna knock the mascara off that emo shit’s face
In Fangio’s defense, this is WELL past his bedtime.
also CHUBB WOO!!!!
“I asked, what would your father do?”
“Grab a handful of reds, chase it with some Wild Turkey, stab a hooker, and fuck a midget. Come on, he’s Al Davis, what the fuck do you think he would do?”
“Make fun of me and kick me out of the room.”
also, this was my fault FOAR not having my #55 Chubb jersey on, but I have rectified this
So, you’ve gone FULL CHUBB?
as well as I can at 46, chuh chuh!
Fuck. Is Mark Davis being possessed by Al?
Phlactery could you send explain why not threatened by energy vampires
We’ve replaced Gatoraids with Emmitt Smith. Let’s see if anyone notices.
Is he making sense?
awesome fucking field
I love The Onion.
I could be a farmer for about 10 minutes. Maybe 15
Just a reminder, the Broncos didn’t sign Flacco. They traded for him. They gave away money AND draft picks for him.
LOL
Some real good camerawork in the black hole
Can we get off Riley Reid already?
You can never have enough reid
When I’m finished! … Okay, I’m done.
I think we’ve all collectively gotten off to Riley Reed at some point.
That was almost philosophically beautiful.
We found her dad.
I want to stuff John Elways guts full of live rattlesnakes.
I’ve seen this game before. Donks are winning comfortably.
I’m in marketing and advertising and branding, and the McDonald’s coffee commercial is defintely targeted to minority audiences. Makes me wonder why.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JANcVXHqNTI
I love you so much. Fucking clutch call.
Because Dunkins is from Boston and won’t let you forget it?
Seven Seas of Rhye is a lofty choice for Borderlands trailer music
Dear New Orleans Fans,
We get it, you got fucked over last year. You also have Drew Brees. So please, fuck off and die and cut the shit.
It happens, welcome to life
Sometimes it gives it to you hard without the grease. Or a kiss.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zmvt7yFTtt8
Now I can watch Flacco play and not want to fucking puke during every offensive possession
Flacco so mild how can your stomach be upset
But is it ELITE vomit?
hey, wha happen?? defense
Donks need to win this. I picked you in a survivor pool
Aaaaand how you mothafuckas doin tonight?
Doin good sir
Already, maybe Seabass will come out of retirement to top that after the Raiders spot the Donks three scores.
/extremely Emily Litella voice
Nevermind
Bannnacakes achieved?
That was full blown Bananacakes.
Now for Broncos(?) vs. Raiders (???)
The sound you hear is TheShaun Watson murdering Romeo Crennel.
That would have gone from 70, ffs.
Wow.
Slutz for Lutz to tonight
I hope the Texans GM blames the Texans coach for that loss
GFDI. https://twitter.com/rileyreidx3/status/1159849508143951872
I know that book shed!
I know where I’m going to find you camping out all weekend
Who do you think the random dude was?
tWBS?
Balls wearing his Groucho glasses
Some people have all the luck
This is much less funny
Wowza.
Holy schmokees!
Ok that was entertaining
Will Luntz is gettin’ all the beads tonight!
That was fucking crazy.
WOW
This is the greatest day of Lutz’s life
OMG!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Michael Brown head referee in this game. Hecukva game brownie
58 yards? No problem.
–Eddy Pineiro, somehow.
Fuck that, go for it on 4th and 10!
-matt nagy
59 yards?
Lot of time ticked off there, Andy Reid
The fuck was the point of that?
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
NFL HQ is erasing the chalk number next to “Number of Days Since the Referees Screwed Over New Orleans”.
I mean, this herp has to be the prequel to Raiders derp
It is a nice appetizer for sure.
There’s a pill for that now.