Mid-September Sabado Footy Extravaganza!

Oh men!  (and the occasional Nel and Dok visit!) There is some good stuff this weekend.  And if you want to be primed for the full RedZone dopamine rush, you need to limber up on Saturday.

If you want to wake up early and count the teeth (o/u – 60% of capacity), Liverpool are hosting Barcodes (7:30, NBCSN).  Realistically, it will just be a 2-hour Jurgen Klopp blowjob.  Make sure you have Scope at the ready, DonT!  😀  Christ knows that if I unfortunately wake up, I’mma go to ESPN+ coverage of Mighty Whitey hosting West Brom.

Chelsea at Wolves is the highlight of the 10:00 window, though you need NBC Gold (or a dodgy Belarussian stream) to watch.  United hosting Foxy Footy is also on Gold.  VERY surprising not to televise both Chelsea and United, against decent opposition, on the same weekend.  Spurs and Palace (sneaky, train wreck of a draw is possible) are the NBCSN offering.  NO THANKS!

12:30 spotlight dance dips into JV NFL time, which is good, because it’s a snuff film – angry Man City at Norwich.  Remember when Other Trash Birds briefly looked competent and exciting?  Didn’t last long.

Continentally, one might theoretically enjoy Juve/Fiorentina (9:00, ESPN+) and/or Barca hosting Valencia (3:00, BeIn).  Oh, and Bayern visit the Red Bulls in HAWT Nazi action (12:30, FS2).  That’s…pretty good shit!

Sunday Funday brings a quality doubleheader, with the Hippo/yeah right Derby to start (9:00, NBCSN), followed by Arsenal at the Moose Hornets (11:30, NBCSN).  The desperate Moose Hornets – classic “banana skin” match.

Likely, we get more interesting fixtures, which one of the Crack Lesser Footy Team will note in the comments.  To the perv content!

Litre_Cola’s Obscure team that Hippo (probably) bets on!

Today we stay in the East and profile  Football Club Anzhi Makhachkala (  Футбо́льный клуб «Анжи́)

They are based in Makhachkala in Dagestan and owned by a billionaire who I am sure got his money  completely legally. Shall we dive in to see what  Suleyman Abusaidovich Kerimov is all about?
He purchased the club in  2011 after he made all of his cash from the disintegration of the Soviet Union very oligarchish. He’s a very private man and has not given an interview in 20 years (snitches get dead in Dagestan). I am sure nothing shady goes on in business in Russia but I have already said too much as the bots will be after me. .
The reason I selected this lot is because I recall when Samuel Eto’o went there and it was insane that a superstar like that would end up in Dagestan. (Just found out Roberto Carlos played there too!) I remember reading that it was so dangerous there that the club would practice in Moscow and helicopter in for the games and leave right away once the match was complete. During this time Guus Hiddink was hired as the manager as the club was to be a feather in Kerimov’s papakha.
Once Kerimov got tired of his new toy in 2013/2014 they sold everyone off, had huge budget cuts and the results tanked. These cuts made them awful and they ended up only winning 3 games that season and finish with 20 pts making them the worst last place team in Europe! After being relegated that year they came back up the next, so basically after the owner lost his interest they became a yo-yo club.
Were their problems gone? No. No they were not. They were relegated again in 2017-2018 but were saved by some shady Russian Football federation stuff involving Amkar Prem, however the next year they were relegated again.  Вы получили то, что вы заслужили 
They are almost bankrupt. This year in June they received a license to play which was in doubt but they were not allowed to register new players because the club had so much debt. They’re playing in the second tier with mostly their under 20 team from the year prior. So basically bet against them whenever they play away from Dagestan.
This year in the Russian League which is divided into regions they are currently 13th in the South region having played 8 games with 1 win and 5 draws. This week they play Volgar which I would imagine is a club near the Volga River. Volgar is in 2nd so they should kick the shit out of Anzhi although with match fixing you never know.
They play in Anzhi arena which was opened in 2014 with a show headlined by Cher and Flo Rida (the man?). The concert was filmed but for legal reasons, Cher was not shown on Russian TV. Flo Rida ran through the entire stadium through the crowd celebrating with the locals during his set. From the Moscow times  “The stadium opening was marked by a show featuring American pop singer Cher and the ’80s action star Jean Claude Van Damme, Rossia 1 reported.” Jesus, they also brought in JVC, hell yeah that would have been a party.
Hooligans? Once again, Eastern Europe, you know they do, but nothing too spectacular to put here.  This story is about how the Dagestani police beat the shit out of the Zenit Ultras, which I have 0 problem with.
*most stuff taken from wiki and Russian sources that I am not allowed to talk about.

 

NC State (-7) at West By God Virginia (Noon, FS1)

The Hippo/tWBS/WCS Derby may be an eyesore, but huzzah for local interest!  Neither side can pass downfield worth a flying fuck, and the commentary will no doubt center around how lunch pale! all the ‘Eers be.  Plus, being a significant home dog to the likes of my Shitty Wolves will no doubt piss them off.  JUST GREAT.

Maryland (-7) at Temple (Noon, CBSSN)

The One Where Fear teh Turtle Crashes Back To Reality

Kansas State (+7) at Mississippi State (Noon, ESPN)

The real game of the window, two 2-0 sides that nobody really knows anything about.  Shit, I don’t even recall if Unded Bill Snyder still ghouls along the sideline.  All three matches of the noon window an even 7-point spread, which I find soothing.

Alabama (-infinity) at South Cakalaky (3:30, CBS)

Means MOAR, my hairy white ass.  This here a 3-team league this go-round.  Wake me for LSU and UGA.

Southern Cal (-4) at BYU (3:30, ABC)

America’s MOST and LEAST sexualized cheer squadrons!  Oh well, I am amused.

Iowa (-1.5) at Iowa State (4:00, FS1)

Cornpone Derby, always a fun watch.  Staggered kickoff time, too!

Florida (-8.5) at Kentucky (7:00, ESPN)

Extremely lopsided historical rivalry, has produced some bananacakes in recent years.

Florida State (+7.5) at Virginia (7:30, ACCN)

Semenholes have no business being 1-1 (ie, should CLEARLY be 0-2), more than a TD underdogs to a pedestrian Wahoowa side.  I’m sure much Reacting Reasonably is going on throughout that shithole state.

Oklahoma (-23.5) at UCLA (8:00, Fox)

Laughing at Chip Kelly never gets old.  What a fucking joke he’s assembled at Westwood Klavern.

Texas Tech (-2.5) at Arizona (10:30, ESPN)

You fall asleep during the evening slate (understandable) then wake up, paw away the dried-up drool, and enjoy this sure-to-be-wacky tweaker fixture.  September is awesome, y’all.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
Subscribe
Notify of
153 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Horatio Cornblower

Georgia-Arkansas State is my first snuff film.

Can’t say I see the allure.

scotchnaut

Well there’s your problem right there. It should be more powdery than filmy.

Gratliff

Looking at my fantasy team and I currently have both Harf Harf and AB on my bench. Surprised autodraft didn’t just grab Crab Legs and complete the set.

Game Time Decision

We never did do a fantasy naming post…..

Don T

Scope? Pft. Totes declassé.
Listerine or Death!
comment image

Horatio Cornblower

I would chose death over Listerine Original.

Sharkbait

Expected 3-1 in the lesser footy match. Did not expect 3 to Norwich

herodotus450

Can’t stand the boxing analogies for a football game. No non-time traveller is more familiar with boxing than football.

herodotus450

Maryland channeling their inner older, more mature Jesus by NOT going crazy at Temple.

ArmedandHammered

So, everything normal?

Horatio Cornblower

UConn Football Facts twitter was making fun of the ACC earlier. UConn. Football.

herodotus450

Wasn’t antonio brown on that masked singer show? Maybe that can be his defense against the rape claim: “If the fursuit don’t fit, you must acquit.”

SonOfSpam

+ several rhythmic slaps

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is there anything better than running power tools while suffering from a hangover?

Yes, there are many things. Practically all things, in fact.

Horatio Cornblower

Running a wood-splitter while hungover is it’s own special kind of hell.

Fuck it, I’m going to the gym and sweating this shit out.*
/Vomit. I’m just going to vomit.

bk109

Chopping wood with a massive hangover… Basically it was chop with the axe, dry heave, wait for the world to stop spinning, chop…. 😀 Fun fact, that was the last time I got completely obliterated at high school and I learned a valuable lesson – just because a bathtub is a bigger target than a toilet to puke in, it doesn’t mean that I’ll hit it any better 😀

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“When I chop wood I like to pretend that each log is Paul Owen’s face.” – Fitzpatrick Bateman

ArmedandHammered

Chainsaw. And I have the scars to prove it.

JustStopDude

How the fuck you doing boys?!?

Can Maryland continue the insane scoring? Will I master my demons and stop drinking? Will I ever send off that child support payment?

So many exciting questions!!!

Unsurprised

If you keep holding off on those payments you could be recruited to run against Trump in the republican primaries

Horatio Cornblower

If I have to think about this, you have to think about this…

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EEX2X_hWsAInrY1?format=jpg&name=360×360

Wakezilla

Well,that was a dog of a match. Glad United got the win,but Jesus that was brutal.

Horatio Cornblower

Drinking to excess after 50 is less and less appealing. Not even hungover, since I stayed up late and pumped in some Gatorade and water, just fucking tired as hell.

Or maybe it’s just that I’m over 50 and should talk to Frank Thomas about my low-T.
/Nope, it’s drinking 7-8 high octane beers and expecting to get a good night’s sleep, past experience and sleep science be damned

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I *wish* I could down more than six beers without being on death’s door the following morning. I had a mere half a bottle of wine last night and I still don’t feel great.

Horatio Cornblower

For a team up 4-0 Tottenham is playing some remarkably dirty football.

Wakezilla

I thought for sure United would get killed tonight. Yet, somehow they’re still winning despite not creating any chances since the PK.

I’m not a fan of the “go in the fetal position and pray to God they don’t score” system Ole has got going on. It’s too much pressure on de Gea

Brick Meathook

Constitution Avenue, Washington DC

See the Bible quote in the center panel beneath “AMERICA”? That was in a crossword puzzle I did this morning! I totally got it! I had no idea it was about sodomy though, and I don’t even know what doing HR-5 is (do any of you porno fans know?); anyways I should read the Bible more because it seems exciting and this guy makes some good points:

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know why these guys are out protesting shit when they could just stay at home and design album covers for bands that make you want to run through a brick wall.

herodotus450

My matcha won’t fully dissolve, no matter how much I stir. This is the worst thing the Japanese have done to us since 1941.

Brick Meathook

comment image

Sharkbait

Sgt. Friday really hated his new low flow shower head

Sharkbait

In today’s performance of American History X, the role of “burglar breaking into Edward Norton’s house” will be played by Crystal Palace

Sharkbait

Only gonna get worse with City v Norwich

bk109

Meanwhile in Case De bk109:
“Daaaaaddy, why is Mommy angry?”… Of course I check immediately the ManUre score an’ I start laughing…
“Mommy’s not angry, mommy is regretting the bhajis for lunch, but is waiting for the half” XD

bk109

No, it was the industrial-grade HAWT N Spicy Indian food wifey ordered for takeout for lunch, because she didn’t want liver and onions 😀

Sharkbait

Your weekly reminder that Son is good at football

herodotus450

Heung-min Son and Stacked-min Daughter smh

Sharkbait

COYS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Good morning folks, and welcome to a wonderful weekend of “moving shit around in the garage”. We bought a new (used) car and now I have to make it fit in the space that was previously inhabited by a Mini Cooper.

Horatio Cornblower

comment image

litre_cola

I said earlier that you should bet on the draw.

blaxabbath

I got a morning meeting then we’re free til our flight out tomorrow afternoon. I was all stoked bc our hotel has free beach stuffs – towels, chairs, toys, etc – then my wife turns on the news and this dick weatherguy is like, “everyone should go to the beach today!”

People are afraid of Huntington Beach and won’t come here, right?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean sort of? School is back in session so even though it’s the weekend families have shit to do that will thin out their numbers as far as the beach is concerned. Soccer practice and that sort of stuff.

blaxabbath

Good.

I don’t need any white males killin’ me today!

yeah right

You should be fine of you’re at the State beach but it will be hectic if you’re at the City beach near the pier.

bk109

Unrelated: wow, 12.15% of the survivors in the Yahoo pool went for the Panthers, so we’re already under 200k survivors a week and a game into the season 😀

litre_cola

50 to 100 rubles for a ticket to an Anzhi game, basically a dollar. If you want to spend 2 dollars bring vodka.

litre_cola

A flight to Dagestan from here would be $1700

ballsofsteelandfury

Does that include the bribes to the local constabulary to make sure you are able to leave?

bk109

Define “here”, because that seems a little steep, mate :p And for the record, Dagestan wasn’t nearly as bad as you make it out to be… Though to be fair, the 4-star hotel’s reception warned us how to react if there was a Chechen kerfuffle (and there was an AKM upon request)… I REQUESTED 😀

litre_cola

Calgary Canada, connect in London, Moscow then a sweet Aeroflot to Dagestan.

ballsofsteelandfury

Isn’t flying anywhere from Canada to anywhere outside Canada a standard $1700?

litre_cola

Except Phoenix, Las Vegas and Palm Springs from here.

bk109

Well, that seems odd, because I found a flight chain in a month that’s 320 Euros via London and St.Petersburg.
You can play a bit with the options at skyscanner (something or other), with the ICAO codes being YYC and MXC 😀

litre_cola

I used Kayak.
Road trip?

bk109

Pass, I am considering a stopover in St.Petersburg on my way back from a work thing in China in like a month, because I really want to see the Potemkin and the Winter Palace (without a tonne of mouthbreathers around me)

litre_cola

Not quite winter yet that would be perfect.

bk109

Also no violent revolution.. that is always a plus in my book!

ballsofsteelandfury

I just realized the sun never sets on the DFO Empire! We’ve got bk109 in Europe, Why Eagles Why in Australia, and the rest of us perverts in North America.

Nice!

bk109

We’re like the bloody British Empire, only without the inconvenient little massacres of the locals who have the temerity, of … well… not being us AND we’re saner than whatever the bleep is happening atm at Westminster XD

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, did you put your tips in for the EPL pool?

bk109

Most of them.. I was 10 minutes late on the Liverpool game, but I’d have lost that one because I was seeing it as a Newcastle upset victory 😀

ballsofsteelandfury

Ok, cool. I saw you didn’t have a pick for that one and thought I’d ask.

herodotus450

And once my attractive cousin calls me back, we’ll have the inbred part down too.

ballsofsteelandfury

Silly goose, you know you can’t get pregnant from anal sex, right?

litre_cola

Will Farrell is at Craven Cottage today. Weird.

bk109

After’noon pervs, pervettes and pervsicles… How’re you this fine very extended Friday (technically I clocked in at work at 8AM yesterday and I’m still on the clock, despite HR whinging as usual about overwork, burnout and “the fuck is wrong with you”‘s 😀

litre_cola

Mornin, afternoon, evenin. You are in Sweden right, so afternoon!

bk109

Dublin, lol. Sweden is only holidays and/or whenever wifey wants to visit her family 😀

litre_cola

I knew there was a Swedish connection!

bk109

More than a connection, lol… I am thanks to the magic of the way citizenship works over ‘ere, I’m dual Irish/Swedish, without being born in either XD Best part, turns out that Ireland and Sweden are basically the only countries where language and knowing the local culture and history aren’t actually required… Which I found out after wifey tricked me into writing a 20 page essay on the Great Northern War and the way it still shapes Scandinavia today XD

ballsofsteelandfury

Since when does HR care if anyone is burned out? That’s great if they do!

Good early morning from a dark LA toilet!

bk109

Because thanks to the magic of overtime rate multipliers, I’ve technically had weeks when I’ve been working for 200 hours, lol . And it’s less the problem with the burnout, more about the liability issue if I show poor manners and die at work (because then there’s no sane judge on the planet that would believe them that I ACTUALLY WANTED to work that much XD )

ballsofsteelandfury

Wow! Good on ya!

bk109

Pretty sure that’s like the double-plus-ungood version of … well… good for me, if only because they started deactivating my accounts and passes AND work cells when on holiday 😀

ballsofsteelandfury

At least you get overtime…

bk109

Overtime, stock options and a reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally good performance bonus. And I still shiver some nights, when I lie awake that this whole thing was a cosmic one in a million shot that started with being roommates with the right guy at college 😀

litre_cola

GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLL

ballsofsteelandfury

That was a hell of a game in Brisbane!

litre_cola

Yikes, only 2 up on BFC. I want my gently used ben-wa balls!

ballsofsteelandfury

The last three games will be tough to tip!

herodotus450

Kans-ass won?

litre_cola

The hair here is outstanding.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5ZJui3aPoQ

scotchnaut

Out standing in a field?

/that’s an old Kansas joke

Brick Meathook

comment image

litre_cola

Did I bet on Fulham? Yes I did as I will never learn. Hippo if you are up bet on a draw.

litre_cola

Mornin. Decilitre only got up at 445 this morning!

scotchnaut

-Hey, the US grabbed the coveted 7th place spot by manhandling some Poles!

herodotus450

Lucky them, I usually end up in jail when I do that.

litre_cola

You really need to stop going to that airport bathroom, who do you think you are a senator?

herodotus450

…just a state senator.