That’s right, kids- Uncle Scotchy is…indisposed for the evening. Some people just can’t hold their chloroform.
WHICH MEANS that Ol’ Reverend Mayhem is driving the train tonight, and he’s all hopped up on the Halloween candy Dr. Mrs. Mayhem bought and tried to stash away. CAN’T HIDE THE REESE’S FROM ME, WOMAN! NO POWER IN THE ‘VERSE CAN STOP ME!
What does this mean for you, gentle readers? Not much- just a slight change in normal programming.
THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES IT’S GO TIME! THE GLORIOUS EL BEISBOL CARDINALS ARE GONNA FUCK SOME SHIT UP IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL TONIGHT!
That’s right. It’s Dirt Football at it’s finest. “But Rev, didn’t St. Louis absolutely shit the bed in the first two games despite having home field advantage?” YES, but they’re just backing up to make the inevitable victory over the Not-Good-Enough-For-Montreal ExExpos. We’ve shitcanned them before in the playoffs multiple times when they had demonstrably better teams. And these aren’t the same old hateable Play the Right Way Cardinals. In case you missed manager Mike Shildt’s postgame rant after flushing Atlanta:
“The [Braves] started some shit. We finished the shit. And that’s how we roll. No one fucks with us ever. Now, I don’t give a fuck who we play. We’re gonna fuck them up. We’re gonna take it right to them the whole fucking way. We’re gonna kick their fucking ass.”
Ladies and gentlemen, that is the kind of coach we here at DFO can– nay must– embrace as one of our own. Hell, add in some references to pussytubing and it’s basically a Rex Ryan speech. Don’t deny what your heart tells you. Give in to Cardinal Love.
For those of you unable to handle all the Hot Buttered Baseball Action, there’s also some sort of NFL game on tonight. It’s the Packers and the Lions at the House That Lard Built. The heavy betting looks to be on Green Bay, who at 4-1 with a truly legit defense looks to win out on a cool and potentially rainy night in Wisconsin. The Lions, as you may recall from my previous insane and occasionally drunken rants, are a deeply weird team in search of an identity. They’re 2-1-1 coming off a bye, and are likely missing both elements of A’Shawn/Da’Shawn and possibly Darius Slay. Not good when Green Bay finally has a running game, even if Davante Adams’ absence may limit the passing game.
Weirdly, the lines I’m seeing are Packers -3.5, which factoring in the normal 3 spotted a home team means these two teams are viewed as much more even than they appear. Note that this is directly in line with my Revised Prophecy that the Lions will tie 5 more games this season. I advise you to place an irresponsibly large wager on “tie”. The Church will expect you to tithe your winnings.
Not much in the way of Footy News today beyond yesterday’s goings-on. The Shitty Clippers’ players are salty as fuck that some clever media person at “their” stadium started playing “Renegade” by Styx in the 4th quarter of last night’s nationally-televised depantsing. Apparently this is the Steelers’ “fight” song? Anyway, the idea was apparently to “Rick Roll” it, but the Pittsburgh-refugee majority decided to take it upon themselves to just sing it. Lessons: 1. never let a 45 year-old middle management guy try to do something clever involving a 12 year old meme; 2. if you’re getting beat to shit by a third-string rookie QB nicknamed “Duck”, maybe concentrate on something other than what the stadium’s PA system is doing.
Also, Styx sucks. Paul DeJong > Dennis DeYoung
PREDICTION:
GLORIOUS VICTORY FOR LOS BIRDOS!
Also, a 27-27 tie in Green Bay.
Enjoy, you filthy heathens.
That was graduate-level of fuckery. I’m not a Lions fan, but, that was akin to TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS.
Great comparison.
Here come all of the “if you don’t want the refs to fuck you over, then don’t get in close games” takes.
I would say that Lions fans will probably burn down Detroit in a riot tonight, but I don’t think there’s anything left to burn down there.
If anything property values would go up!
There’s got to be something Dan Gilbert hasn’t purchased at fire-sale prices already.
Ridiculous, unbelieveable, complete bullshit ending aside, Crosby getting a hand-up for his LamboLeep was kinda cute.
It shouldn’t have felt like a win, AAron, because it was a fucking gift, not a fucking win.
Who were those two rich cunts?
What a fucking horrific joke. Good job NFL!
Owner SHOULD let Flowers speak his mind after the game, and pay his fines.
Oh my god, fuck these fat people.
That’s some absolute bullshit.
Pretty fucking hollow win there Green Bay.
They all count the same
What an effin farce
If there’s any justice in this world, which there is not, the Lions will block this kick.
There’s not going to be a kick.
Wait, what the hell am I talking about?
Justice in this world???
WOW.
Refs handing the game to the Packers. Disgusting
Are we calling Patricia “Grimace” yet?
THERE’S the home cookin’.
Oh for crying out loud.
Holy shit, these refs.
……..
Related: anal is “the sex that God can’t see”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YM1Y4uTmRU
So, has the refs being very much pro Green Bay tonight?
The usual
The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.
—MLK
Not if Green Bay wins tonight, it doesn’t.
To his credit, he was talking about Jesus Christ, not Jesus Cheesus.
Has anyone pointed and laughed yet at the St. louis Deadbirds? Or The Greatest Fans in Baseball ™ ??
Getting swept THE RIGHT WAY!
Hippo’s in the Clubhouse bathroom, mixing ammonia and bleach in the tub.
Hey! My bathtub gin was in there!
We have more important things at hand
That’s to said, the mixture isn’t for Hippo. It’s for everyone not already part of the clubhouse.
23-22
Likely
Throw the fucking red flag!
For the love of Christ, I need to get the job I’m interviewing for tomorrow.
Jay gruden?
Good luck!
Best of luck
It’s yours- go get it.
Good luck. Don’t forget to offer to go down on your interviewers.
What’s the job you’re applying for?
Compliance Specialist
Well, I hope it’s not a federal position ensuring compliance with, say for instance, OSHA or EPA regulations, because there won’t be any of those to comply with, very soon, given the way things are headed.
Nah. This one’s pretty secure.
Good luck
?
No sweat. You’re a bad motherfucker.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=EoRov2tGZO4
Bevell has Stafford rolling out like he’s Russell Wilson
C’mon Detroit, go against type and don’t fuck this up.
They had a red zone INT like 5 seconds ago and somehow still gave up another TD 2 seconds after that.
They are the LioUns.
Don’t care if it’s a Facebook meme, the fact that i have this ready….
I hope she chokes on them.
Her husband was envious
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvA0tt5RKSc
So, when the Lions take over with 32 seconds left, Packers with no timeouts, and when Stafford kneels, the refs will say it’s a fumble. That’s how this ends, right?
Magic 8 Ball Responds:
It is certain.
● It is decidedly so.
● Without a doubt.
● Yes – definitely.
● You may rely on it.
● As I see it, yes.
● Most likely.
● Outlook good.
● Yes.
● Signs point to yes.
OH, 3rd and five, time for another phantom call.
Commandant Lazard is back
Too lazy to mess with the controls on my phone while listening to podcasts on Bluetooth. The Dollop comes on.
Episode 400. !
Special Guest – Patton Oswalt. !!
Subject
RONALD!
FUCKING!!
REAGAN!!!
If not the GOAT music video, it’s easily top five.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lIqNjC1RKU
Gotdamn, that was funny.
There are tacos of the pollo asado kind being made in the Commander ziggurat tonight.
This rules
Tacos!!
Aaron Brady smiles inside.
Packers musta been acquired by Goldman Sachs to be bailed out that bad
WePack
The best IPO collapse until Saudi Aramco when MbS has to admit that, OOPS, Saudi Arabia hit peak oil years ago.
Fucking bullshit call.
Bailout flag is bailout.
BS call to bail out Rodgers
Personal Foul … hitting a quarterback named Brady or Rodgers .. 15 yards and first down
Rodgers Bitch Face the new RBF
She put her hand in it and it was dry
Curly “Fries” Lambeau Field Home Cookin’.
Curly fried toilet seats
I wish they would mic up the reviews like the TV Match Officials at the Rugby world Cup
Nats up 8-1 and Lions up 22-13? Good.
Sam darnold please give Tom Brady mono
What is a catch, version 9,685