Oh my cats, y’all.  Cue Ron Paul, because It’s Happening!  Mikel Arteta (who may be on the touchline this am for the Gooners) thinks he’s too good to manage Everton.  But not Italian coaching legend Carlo Ancelotti (i.e., Don Carlo).  He will make his managerial debut on Boxing Day, but will likely be inside Goodison Park (7:30, NBCSN) for the early morning fixture.  I am so excited, I just can’t even.  Serial.  Fookin’.  Winner!  Interim manager Duncan Ferguson is undefeated (1 win, 2 draws), so hopefully he at least takes a point in his swan song.  Everton are fighting for the shirt again, and full credit to Big Dunc for that.

The rest of the slate barely merits mentioning, but I am an egalitarian Hippo.  Wolves/Norwich (NBCSN) highlights the 10:00 window, with 4 other matches on Gold.  Team Knifey at Brighton seems the most watchable to me, but YMMV.

Spotlight Dance is pretty sweet, though.  2nd position Leicester go into the Etihad to see how much pride and fight are left in Pep and 3rd position Man City.  Scotchnaut Hero Kevin The Broom was bananacakes-level awesome against Arsenal last weekend.  But we’ve seen sparks from this group in the fall, never catching into a righteous inferno.  Foxes are playing WAAAAYYYYY over their heads, if you believe the metrics (I do, plus same matches my eye test), and they have about as much chance to catch the Redshite (or even hold onto 2nd) as say, Saints do.  LMAO, oh wen teh Saints!  Go marching down!!

Solid Sunday Funday double-dip, with always unpredictable United away to the Moose Hornets (9:00, NBCSN), followed by former Mourinho employer Chelsea (now led by Tory Cunt Frank Lampard) visiting Ghost of Mourinho Present’s Spur (11:30, NBCSN).  Tottenham have been shit hot of late, while Chelski have been…not.  Still, one expects to see everyone’s best foot forward in this matchup.  Both squadrons have Champions League in their sights.  3 points on Sunday would be a big step in that direction.

Elsewhere in Europe, Barca come back from an absolute dud El Clasico (nil-nil mid-week) to host Alaves (10:00 Sat, BeIn).  I wouldn’t want to be the visitors for this’un.  Hippo GAMBLOR talisman SPAL are also away to Litre tailsman Torino (2:45 Sat, ESPN+).  Will there be a side bet?  Time will tell.  Don’t forget your German goodness on the Fox Sports networks, and Frenchies mostly on the extra BeIn channels!

Y’all got crab legs??

500s (-3) at Team MRSA (1:00, NFLN)

Do you wager on the imaginary team, or the disease-ridden one?  The latter comes with rape, but the former has Coach Buttchincki attached.  Hmmmm.  Guessing Breshard Perriman (royalties to the British gentleman below) goes for like 250 yards and a couple of scores, but who knows if that will offset whatever fumble/pickerceptions gifted away by our “favourite” Seminole.  It would be very 500s to lose in Tampa, keeping DonT’s Tits alive after HOU beat TN last weekend.  Fuck if I know, man.  I probably mostly watch Foxes/City at the outset.

Also, random JV NFL exhibitions aplenty!

Central Michigan (+3.5) v. San Diego State (Heisenberg Bowl, Albuquerque, NM, 2:00 – ESPN)

Hot MAC-tion, taking a trip out west to meet the JV Boltmen!  Bet the adjusted body clock here, plus the Aztecs bost a legitimately strong defensing unit.

Liberty (+4) v. Georgia Southern (Diseased Mortgages Bowl, Orlando, FL, 2:30 – CBSSN)

This is not a misprint, the Fightin’ Falwells are actually in a bowl game.  I might have to bet them for the raw ludicrousness of it all.

SMU (-3) v. Florida Atlantic (Ted Bundy Bowl, Boca Raton, FL, 3:30 – ABC)

I always thought the Delibarate Stranger was MOAR a Tallahassee man, but hey – a sponsor’s a sponsor.  I guess FAU will be pumped to show Lane Kiffin he was wrong to leave?  Fuck if I know.

Florida International (+2.5) v. Arkansas State (Ded Flowers Bowl, Birmingham, AL, 5:30 – ESPN)

Is ok to take a nap here.  Really.

Boise State (+3.5) v. Washington (Jilted Chris Petersen Lovers Bowl, Las Vegas, NV, 7:30 – ABC)

Contrary to Balls’ prediciones – Petersen hasn’t relocated to Watts.  Not quite yet, anyway.  This year, these are both boring, mediocre squadrons.

Appalachain State (-16.5) v. UAB (Beads ‘n’ Vomit Bowl, New Orleans, LA, 9:00 – ESPN)

Former NC State OC/mad genius Eli Drinkwitz did a great jerb in Boone, so much so that he has been “promoted” to Columbia, MO.  At least he’ll make lots of moneys.  Vegas ain’t feelin’ the Blazers, it would seem.

***

Balls’ Question O The Day

Um, guys, did anyone tell Hippo that there are THREE,  count them,  THREE, NFL games today?

/ puts finger on ear pretending to listen to secret voice

Oh,  we’re trying to ensure he doesn’t bet on a fake team called The Texans? Sounds good!

I’m assuming Scotchy will be along in a bit with an Open Thread for each game and maybe, if the Commentists have stayed off the Naughty List this year,  perhaps we will be regaled with a tale of a hobo killin’ or two.

There’s nothing to say about La Liga as Hippo is right: El Clásico was a dud.  Nothing changed at the top of the ladder.

One bright surprise midweek was Monterrey playing Liverpool VERY tough in the Club World Cup semifinal. Alas, a stoppage time goal from Firminho enabled Liverpool to move on to the final against Flamengo.

Hot Monterrey dancing girl should be very proud…

*******************************************************

What Grinds my Gears, by Wakezilla

So this is a little bit of an odd grievance, but, do you know what grinds my gears? Transfer Window rumors. My god, these rumors, like clockwork,make people sound like idiots because they believe the clickbait. Here are the players that United fans hope to sign in fucking January, based on BS media rumoUrs, where if they just used some logic, they’d know these rumoUrs are bullshit:

1) Jadon Sancho, Winger, Borussia Dortmund.

Why this won’t happen in January: Despite a rocky start, Sancho has played well for Dortmund over the past month. Most importantly, Sancho is playing for a club that could still win the domestic title and Champion’s League. It makes no sense for them to sell Sancho right now when they need him.

Could Sancho sign for United in the Summer? Unless Sancho grew up a die hard United fan, no. Sancho is projected to be an elite talent. Why on earth would he sign with a mid-table club that likely won’t make Champions League for the second straight year when he could sign with a British team that will be a top 4 club for the foreseeable future?

2) James Maddison, midfielder, Leicester City:

Why this won’t happen in January: This one always makes me roll my eyes and laugh at how many people think Maddison to United is guaranteed in January. Why the hell would the Foxes let go of their starting attacking midfielder when they still have an outside shot of winning the EPL title and the Carabao Cup? Ridiculous.

Could Maddison sign with United this summer? This is a possibility because Maddison grew up a United fan and still (allegedly) hangs out with some of United’s Ultras who are his friends.With that said, the Foxes have quite a bit of money and can keep their core together for as long as they want. Personally, I think United can sign a much better and non-Brexit player for a lot cheaper for what Leicester will command.

3) Bruno Fernandes, midfielder, Sporting Lisbon:

Why this won’t happen in January: Sporting is battling for a Continental Europe qualifying spot and is barely hanging on. A club like them rely on making continental European tournament money to remain competitive. Additionally, Sporting is in the Round of 32 of the Europa League and has a good chance of winning the round. It makes no sense for them to sell off Bruno Fernandes.

Could Fernandes sign in the summer?: I wish because he’s exactly what United need! Despite Fernandes practically begging to go to United last year and United scouted Fernandes for a year and a half and didn’t sign him last summer, I say that ship has sailed and I’m sure LiVARpool will sign him and he will terrorize United for years to come. With that said, knowing United, I could see Fernandes having a great showing at the Euros and instead of signing Fernandes for 60-70 million last summer, United will pay well over 100 million for him next summer. It’s the new United way!

4) Jack Grealish, midfielder, Aston Villa:

Why Grealish won’t sign in January?: Aston Villa is in relegation hell right now. At the bare minimum, a team that gets relegated loses 50 million pounds. That doesn’t include money lost for dwindling attendance and sponsorship money lost for not being in the EPL. In total, for one year of being banned from the EPL a team could easily lose 100 million pounds in revenue. Essentially, United would have to offer Aston Villa at least 60-80 million for Villa to even consider this transfer. Not even United’s brain dead management could be that stupid to offer Grealish that kind of money, right? . .. Right?

Could Grealish sign in the summer? Fuck, I hope not. Unless he’s a depth signing, United should stay away from this Brexit FCer. United could get a much better player for a hell of a lot cheaper price if they just look to continental Europe.

5) Erling Haaland, Striker, RB Salzburg:

Why won’t Haaland sign this January? Actually, this looks to be a done deal because Man United has agreed to pay the agent, not Haaland, 10s of millions to complete the transfer fee. Mino Raiola is clearly looking out for the best interests of his clients. Ole has coached Haaland before and Haaland grew up worshiping Ole because they are both Norwegian. United actually lucked out because the original plan was for the Austrian Red Bulls to sell Haaland to the German Red Bulls on a release clause of $20 million, then in a year from now, sell Haaland for $100 million to United so Raiola gets even more of a cut. Essentially, United decided to cut the middle team out and just bribe Raiola now and save themselves some transfer fee cash. This could payoff immensely if Haaland lives up to his hype.

What’s the catch? Well, it’s great that United appears to have finally signed a natural striker with size, but, United’s midfield is still garbage. Just like Rashford and Martial, Haaland is going to have to make chicken salad out of chicken shit with that atrocious midfield. Unlike Rashford and Martial who use their speed, Haaland is a box scorer that uses his size. But he will be made redundant if the midfield continues to suck at crossing the ball. This problem has been evident all year as Maguire hasn’t been nearly as effective on corner kicks as he was with Leicester City.

TL/DR: For fuck’s sake people, use some logic and actually think about these things. There’s a reason why hardly and transfers are made in January. Ahhh!

Thanks for reading my silly little rant.