One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.
Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.
Yours in the comments, first come, first served. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.
This week’s category comes to us from the fertile mind of the Right Rev. Mayhem. Inspired by a discussion of more and more of us either having received or being scheduled to receive or vaccinations, he suggested the topic: What Mundane Mutant/Super Power Would You Like To Receive From Your Vaccination?
This week’s commissioners embody mundane superpowers perfectly, and they’re here with this week’s rules, such as they are.
Remember, the power you draft must be mundane, you cannot draft a power that will help you take over the world. We’re talking things like suddenly always being able to pick just the bucket of water to turn into, or always being able to pick out just eagle to carry that bucket of water.
You know, something handy but still kind of dumb.
Since the Good Reverend came up with this topic, he gets the first pick. After him, the deluge.
Have at it, Rev.
[I went as mundane as possible. Not “useless” and not “low-end DC character” but truly mundane. For examlle- Dr. Mrs. Mayhem used to joke that her superpower was the ability to find cat vomit (or hairballs) just by taking off her socks.
So with the First Pick of 2021 Mundane Vaccine-Induced Super-Power Draft, The Church of the Immaculate Deception selects: “The Ability to Believe It’s Not Butter.”*
*This might have been an old Mitch Hedberg joke. If it is, at least I’m stealing from the top shelf.]
GET YOU VACCINATED, PEOPLE!
My third pick will be the ability to point at something, or group of somethings, and have them assemble themselves into a perfectly wrapped/packed-for-shipping form. No more handing over parcels that look like Helen Keller wrapped them.
would this extend to presents\gifts?
Absolutely, hence the wrapping.
But not to my enemies, because then that would be a superpower, albeit a pretty lame one.
I’m going to go do actual work now, but I’m happy with my draft:
1) Ability to remember what I went into that room to get
2) Waking up after more than 6 hours of sleep and actually feeling rested
3) Aging without back pain/needing to stretch
4) Ability to know exactly what we want to watch and what platform it’s on
5) Knowing exactly what groceries I’m going to need for the week and buy them accordingly
My last pick is the ability to know exactly what groceries I’m going to need for the week and buy them accordingly. I’ll take having extras for snacks but no more not having enough onions for tacos or having lettuce rotting in the fridge.
*Snaxx
The ability to find a pull through parking spot close to the door.
4. The ability to control the rate of growth of keratin-based tissue in my body (i.e. hair and fingernails). This could manifest as not letting my toenails grow at all, ever, once they are at the proper length, or making one of my pinky nails grow out in a matter of seconds to use as a coke spoon. If I got a good haircut I could leave it that way as long as I liked, or if I got a bad one I could grow it back on the spot and demand they redo it properly.
The ability to increase my bladder size when needed, so I don’t have to get out of bed in the middle of a cold night or pull off the road when I still have a half tank of gas.
or not get up from the table when out drinking.
/don’t break the seal.
Warthog’s is good, but GTD is clearly trying to sneak a superpower in.
didn’t mean at all, just like 50% less
I’ve like the power to be able to think of household chores and then they are instantly done.
Empty and fill dishwasher. done
wash and dry laundry. done
vacuum floors. done
Third pick: to know instantly which is the coldest six-pack in the store’s fridge without having to touch each one to guesstimate temperature.
2nd Pick: the ability to definitively settle debates on social media
Definitely mundane, definitely a superpower!
Form of: A STRAWMAN!
Shape of: AN UNWARRANTED COMPARISON TO HITLER!
A riff on Litre’s pick that is even worse in our house–the ability to know exactly what we want to watch and what platform it’s on. No more “movie or tv show? Which one? 30 minutes or 2 hours?” And then 40 minutes later we still haven’t picked something to watch and we’re both cranky.
Power #3: enhanced smell that detects markets selling fresh broccoli at less than $2.50 / pound.
That’s actually a superpower, but as someone who also appreciates a good broccoli, I’ll keep the Wonder Twins out of this and allow it.
3. The ability to never drop anything. That is, to never drop anything I am holding in my hands, and to never drop anything that lands in my hands. This might seem more than mundane, but it’s not – it doesn’t preclude having things knocked *out* of my hands, and it doesn’t mean I suddenly develop a 38″ vertical and 4.3 speed and become an unstoppable athlete, it just means that I won’t ever drop anything I objectively *shouldn’t* drop.
Tedd Ginn has been asking for this for twelve years.
1. (on behalf of the Dr. Mrs. Deadly, Esq. (ret)) – to have every traffic light turn green as you approach it. Also applies to things like crosswalk signals, construction traffic control, etc.
3rd pick: To innately know when that annoying coworker/family member/acquaintance is coming to interrupt you, giving you plenty of time to avoid them.
I would like the windshield washer reservoir in my car to never run out of fluid. And if it’s not asking too much maybe a set of windshield wipers that last forever.
Looks like someone is just asking Big Auto to send them to the big junkyard in the sky.
You just reminded me, I need to buy new wipers. The ones I have now have given up and are more accurately described as smearers
To decide on dinner in a split second with your significant other. We meal plan for the week and 1 night is takeout. Since it is a mood order we do not write pizza or thai the week before.
I was going to draft “for every sporting event I turn on to instantly become interesting” but I realized I and everyone else already have that superpower; it’s called “gambling”.
Speaking of interesting though, this Oregon-Iowa game is terrific so far.
I would be okay with the 5g thing being true, as in I become a secure 5g access point for my own devices, so I always have a fast data signal with no data roaming, even in the middle of nowhere
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starlink . You can carry an antenna on your back. Be like a Science hero in City of Heroes.
This may be too super to be mundane, but the ability to stop thinking about shit when I decide I’m done thinking about it. Especially at 3 in the morning.
Pick #2: Upon vaccination, I will be able to do that super loud whistle thing where you can call your dog from the next farm over.
Power the second: the power to have no one question the choice of route when I am behind the wheel.
As a former food delivery driver, it should be obvious to all passengers that I know the fucking way & the best shortcuts.
I’m taking “mundane” down a level or two-I’d want any writing utensil that I really like to last 50% longer than usual. When a good pen runs out of ink I get a little pissed.*
*why yes, I am a 50-ish white male
Squeeze right earlobe Off / On switch for mental double entendres.
Side effect – having to squeeze left ball to remove image of person naked from brain?
Just last Thursday I ordered some unique fruits and the woman texted back saying, “the melons we have are huge”. What I immediately thought was, “Can you send me a pic of your huge melons?”.
/bad scotchy, that’s bad
/never buys a train ticket to Pittsburgh
Is it too big of a reach to say aging without back pain/needing to stretch? Because I’ll take that.
Sounds fair to me. It’s pretty mundane, but definitely not a power that mere mortals possess.
Oh, fuck yes.
LOFTY pick.
ALLOWED!!
To make everyone in my vicinity to suddenly develop a lot of common sense and self realization, only to be horribly confused upon my departure as they revert to being wrong.
This is a very good pick
Half hour on the dot!
2. The ability to spot the person hanging around outside a sporting event or concert who isn’t scalping a ticket for profit, they’ve “already been paid for it and just want to make sure that the seat doesn’t go to waste. Hell, just buy me a beer on the inside and we’ll call it even.”
This person is recognized as a hero but is usually just too big a wuss to risk whatever penalties there may or may not be for reselling within 100 yards of the stadium/arena.
Yes, I’ve been that wuss.
First pick: to look at any item of food and know FOR CERTAIN whether it is a sandwich or not.
“A power no mortal should possess.”
Apparently NAWT mundane!!!
BGR’s next pick: ability to look at any animal and recognize with certainty how they would wear pants.
Quick aside. Of all of the people who have already been vaccinated what percentage of them had to physically report to work EVERY FUCKING DAY DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC!!
No I don’t have a pending vaccine appointment and yes I’m bitter as fuck about it.
1. The ability to always instinctively choose the ideal conditions for pooping. At home, this will manifest in never forgetting to replace an empty roll of toilet paper. On the go this will mean always choosing a freshly cleaned and/or serviced toilet and never choosing one that has been obliterated by some disgusting subhuman.
I would like the ability to never run out of ice.
To clarify: ice cubes in my freezer. I don’t want to be forced to live in a place that’s always covered in ice.
[monkey’s paw curls]
Billy Idol never appears when I am listening to First Wave in the car.
I hear he likes Thin Mints.
For my next pick, I would like my coffee to stay at the right temperature the entire time I’m drinking it. Not too hot when I first make it, not lukewarm when I step away for two minutes. Just right dammit. And yes, I live with three bears. (Paging Buddy Cole.)
I was going to cite a loophole in Warthog’s pick and do something shitty, (I am an attorney), and draft the ability to pick whatever line is moving fastest when I am driving in heavy traffic, but instead I’m just going to take the ability to sense a traffic jam coming just in time to get onto an alternate route that is moving smoothly.
No portals, though, as that would not be mundane.
Something like all short cuts are actually short? Nice.
Someone should tell Waze about that concept. (Hint to app developers: it’s not a shortcut if you’re asking me to make a left turn from a side street with no traffic light onto a busy L.A. thoroughfare.)
Oh how I wish I had the ability to +9 a comment.
Every single time I’m going from, say, Vermont and Los Feliz to Wilshire and Western, instead of just having me go straight down Vermont and turn on Wilshire, it’ll instruct me to turn like fourteen times instead.
There’s a great Stephen King short-story about that, ‘Mrs. Todd’s Shortcut.’
That would probably make a great movie.
No, Stephen King ripped that off from Yeah Right.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/2016/10/31/dfo-halloween-stories-mr-browns-shortcut/
Waking up after more than 6 hours of sleep and actually feeling rested.
Ability to untangle the bird nest/backlash on a baitcasting reel by a little tug on the line.
Upon vaccination, I will be able to remember someone’s name after meeting that person.
I have this issue where I can only remember the first letter of their name upon meeting someone the first few times. Great pick
I would like to have the ability to make the vehicle in front of me that is not doing the speed limit, do so. It would be a mundane power that would improve traffic flow everywhere I go, thus benefiting humanity as well.
2nd pick: Ability to switch between radio stations to catch a favorite song while driving.
Whenever I have to choose between lines to stand in, the line I pick is the one that moves fastest.
Finally I meet the Bruce Willis to my Mr Glass….
There goes my 2nd rounder.
Fuck, that’s a great one.
The ability to make people who annoy me insubstantial in my presence, I can walk right through them, they can’t talk or move, but only in a 50 ft radius around me.
Oh, does anyone know if bed sizes are supposed to be standard, the bed in our room is way too short for a double bed, even with mt head press against the headboard my feet hang off the end, from the shins on down. I am only 6ft 4in and have never had this happen before. And no we are not vacationing in the Shire.
I live alone, am just under 6’2″ – and the thought of less than a king sized bed terrifies me. I may have spatial issues.
“Spatula issues? Me too.”
-A. Reid
My buddy and I once stayed at a hotel in Chinatown. I am 6’2 and my feet hung off the bed and the shower was nipple height. It was real odd.
Where are these non-conforming beds made? And why the fuck would they be in a place that serves the public? Is the designer/buyer a vicious short person, well more than normal.
I didn’t know Randy Newman was a DFOer!
My wife and I once spent the night in the Lizzie Borden murder house, sleeping in the same bed that Lizzie’s mother was killed next to. That bed was built for someone about 5’8″, and I am 6’1″ and I couldn’t fall asleep until about 4:00 am.
And I can say with reasonable confidence that, if the place is haunted, the ghosts aren’t working from midnight to 4:00 am.
Are you sure, that bed is probably haunted to always be uncomfortable.
The ability to eat what I want and lose weight. I mean, for real. Not just the BS that Jenny Craig/Weight Watchers says.
Schedule accuracy: writing the correct hour, day, week, and month of an event without crossing it out 38 times.
Superhuman ability for my feet not to get cold, or too hot.
Ability to remember what I went into that room to get
To grill meat to desired perfect doneness, regardless of the grill.
Query for the bug-eyed gentleman – does this mean that your grillied meats are also perfectly done by the standards of whoever else is eating?
Unless it’s well done. Those people can fuckin’ starve.
Yes. Brother wants well-done, because he’s a big dummy, my wife and I want medium-rare, etc.
My wife and daughter still rave about some grilled pork chops that I grilled to perfection, totally by accident and not duplicated before or since.
ETA: I’m aware of sous vide, but I can’t convince the missus to spring for the device. We already have too many kitchen gadgets.
To not get a headache when imbibing too much red wine.
Look who thinks “avoiding a hangover” is mundane. Lah-di-dah, Your Majesty.
With my first pick, and in anticipation of getting my shots starting tomorrow and hopefully soon being able to take a vacation where I go somewhere besides “the other room” I will take the ability to always get a seat on an airplane in a row with an empty seat.
I probably should have taken the ability to type “the right” after “just” in the phrase “just the right”, but rereading this post that would apparently be too much to ask.
Future HoF pick right there
The ability to tie shoelaces just right, not so tight that they hurt, but not so loose that they slip off and lose ankle support!
Magically, Hippo’s cell phone NEVAR gets below 90% charge.
First pick: Ability to pull exact change from my pocket for any purchase.