We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:
Copa América (South American Euros)
Euro 2020 (European Euros aka defiers of the space/time continuum)
CONCACAF Gold Cup
Tokyo Olympic Games
And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020! Obligatory Hippo Speak – they’s still teh European Euros to me. No, the Golden Shower Cup does not get – or deserve – the North American Euros moniker (or your attention). There are only THREE legitimate Euros – South American, European, and Afrikan.
Who shall carry Los Sudamericano Euros en los Estados Unidos? TUDN en epanol, various Fox Sports entities en ingles. El schedulo es ahora.
Today’s team (and YES, this takes the place of MOAR generic Lesser coverage, though I certainly DO recommend watching both the Shempionship playoff final (10:00 EST), and the Shempions League final (3:00)) is:
Colombia!
Nice, simple tri-coloUr. Can’t go wrong with that!
Country Fun Facts
There are two types of people in the world. Those who love cocaine, and those who have never tried cocaine.
This nation used to also include Panama, until Los Canaleros seceded. Guess which country’s intelligence service shiftily helped make THAT happen?
Lots of violence, lots of drugs, bitter blood feuds between liberal and conservative factioUns. What’s not for the Ugly American to feel right at home?
Naturally, I almost always bet on the Medillin teams (RIP, Senor Escobar). Always bet against Patriotas. And yes, this was the nation where that “defender who scored an own goal against Los Estados Unidos” got murdered for it. So if you EVAR go, may want to tread lightly with your witty remarks.
Team Schedule
Los Cafeteros aka in Hippo Speak Los Hermanos Coca somos en Gropa B – which is the easier bracket overall:
Lunes, 14 June – Colombia v. Ecaudor (10:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)
Viernes, 18 June – Colombia v. Venezuela (7:00p EST, FS2/TUDN)
Lunes, 21 June – Colombia v. Peru (9:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)
Jueves, 24 June – Colombia v. Brasil (9:00p EST, FS1/TUDN)
Team Preview / Top Players
Like he has been for almost half of the Premier League season, Him-ez is out injured. He thinks he would have been fit, and is quite upset at being dropped. Some Bitter Blues thought he was dogging it down the stretch, saving himself for marriage Los Sudamericano Euros (likely his last major international torneo). Looks like he was either MOAR injured than we thought, or is equally dogging it for everyone! But Jesus, he’s still handsome:
But don’t despair, there are other Toffees! Specifically, rotational centre-half Yerry Mina, who is quite the unit. He also gets lower body injuries if you look at him funny, though. Alongside Spurs boo boy Davison Sanchez, they have been a fairly formidable back line combo, at least internationally. David Ospina is still a very solid option in goal. The question is…where do the goals come from, absent their magic man? There are at least a handful of other midfielders and attackers that I’ve heard of. Just not enough to form an actual opinion. World ranking is 15th, which is quite respectable.
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Colombian Women”
Oh my redux. Lithe Latin American women are maybe Hippo’s favoUritest of all. I would like this country, up until I got shot by an angry husband/brother.
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Colombian Food”
That’s Cartagena Black Beef. Again, ALWAYS go with Latin/South American spiced beef. Or pork. One can’t go wrong.
Hippo, have you ever been to this country?
No, I am a recluse.
Why you should root for this country
C’mon, you’d love to see Reverend Horton Heat perform before el gran final. It’d be a psychobilly freakout!
There’s really no other way you can please such amazing womenfolk
The country has fallen in love with Everton, and deserves some consolation for that millstone
Why you should NOT root for this country
These are the “close but no cigar” side, seemingly every tournament. Frustrating.
You are a member of FARC, and hold a grudge
As a Spurs supporter, you have grown to hate Davison Sanchez
Ennusteita (Hippo Liked the Finnish Word):
What poor scheduling – the two good sides in Gropa B play in the last match of the group round – when they clearly will hold back, both in terms of personnel and formation/creativity. Again, 8 out of the 10 participants will advance to the Knockout Round. There will be precious little to play for. Just a thought – maybe only advance SIX clubes, so that they have incentive to fight for the bye?
I could see a Colombia/Brasil gran final, for sure. Depending on whether the Argies can stay focused/drama-free (fat chance). Brasil will win, of course. This isn’t the World Cup.
Excellent preview! With so many Evertonian players from Colombia, shall we begin to pencil in “Disappointing” in Front of Colombia’s name?
up until I got shot by an angry husband/brother
Since you’re a Southerner, I wanted to point out that in many places, “husband” and “brother” are often two different people.
Shoutout to the Spring Football League-regardless of Covid’s impact, they’ll have very few fans attending games.
Holy Shit Chelsea won
THE CHMAPIONS LEAGUE!
THATS ROCKING!!!
I don’t remember how I learned about the Tulsa Race Massacre. I knew about it well before Watchmen came out, but I don’t think I’ve known about it for more than five years.
We don’t teach shit in schools. Tulsa, Tuskegee, Fred Hampton, none of it.
Fixing to get even worse.
Precisely right. Kids don’t learn what their bullshit history doesn’t tell them.
I’ve known about it for years. I have no idea why, other than that I’m one of those fucking nerds that reads a lot.
Me: “Damn, Man City lost. At least there’s Spring League Football.”
Me: [changes channel, sees player down for more than 10 minutes, teammates kneeling and praying] “Ah, that’s the good stuff!”
two goddamned weeks to kill before we get any European or Sudamericano Euros action
Pulisic, you beautiful son of bitch.
Finally, a Russian oligarch gets a break!
Strong Ownership Model!
“But, here is Jesus!”
Really? I’d have put Him in sooner if I were Pep.
Pep’s been to hell, no resurrectioooonnnnn
Is it bad that I’m rewatching Rush Hour instead of working (or doing anything else productive)?
People do productive things on the weekend?
The fact that you’re not doing anything productive is not what’s making it bad.
It’s Memorial Day weekend you fucking nerd.
7 minutes of stoppage time?
Did I miss a mid-field funeral?
The Broom had a head owie
“If it’s going to happen for City, it’s gotta happen in a mad rush now!”
Careful on the limb, Phineas.
Havertz scored for Chelsea? Am I to understand that Man City is being undone by a sentient roll of cheese?
Announcer: “Pressure is growing.”
Really? Really!
found a funny:
my dog grabbed my echo off the table and won’t let it go so i’m just asking Alexa questions and it’s like i have a talking dog. 5/5 stars would recommend
I was just asked to add 7 to 8 and come up with a correct answer before being allowed to log in. I’m sorry, but
CHELSEA are up 1-0
THATS ROCKING!!!!
now gimme a PULISIC Goal! pleaseeee
Thumbs-uping your triumphant return. NOT the Pulisic support. 😀
YOU SON OF A ROCKING BITCH!
/good to see you!
Rockingdog is back!!! Good boy! We missed you!
My word, an excellent match so far. That said, I am finding it difficult to believe that Antonio Rudiger is from Germany. Something about him seems distinctly un-German. Perhaps it is his demeanour? Help me out, dear citizens.
surely, Good Sir, they must have meant German Angola
This will be the only time in Hippo’s life that he can say this. Well, say it ACCURATELY:
The putative Shempions of Europe lost at home this season…to Very Disappointing Everton
Oh Fuckballs!
Hitler 1, Franco nil
That was a phenomenal pass.
As Omar Little would say, “oh indeed”
The Dr. Mrs. is watching This Is Us and they’re doing a stupid “I don’t believe that you love me so I’m backing out of our wedding two hours before the ceremony” bit. I don’t normally get down on this show but good God try to at least be a LITTLE original. They even have a character point out that it’s a cliché but they did it anyways.
I’ve never been remotely tempted to watch that show. Everything I see, hear, or read about it makes it seem like the most nauseating pile of saccharine-laced pablum that has ever been foisted on the American viewing public.
That’s probably an accurate description. But I haven’t expended the energy to get mad at it before.
Back to orange slice breaks?
2 bottles of wine deep so far. Best friend and I get smash mode ever final. Instead of us being at a pub she brought 3 btls of wine and I bought 3. We decided to go with the bizarrest stuff we could find.
The tenants will win this because Brentford got promoted and Fuck Tony Khan.
Today is May 29th, the final day of the Buy One Angus Steakhouse Thickburger And Get One Free era at Carl’s Jr. The Buy One Chicken Sandwich And Get One Free era has begun.
I don’t understand how you aren’t fat
I don’t really do this all that often.
That’s what folk said about me, until that late-20s metabolism swan dive.
Strange choice by the producers to place gauze over their main camera.
The Broom called offside-because you can’t teach that kind of speed.
He is certainly pale enough to have deceptive speed
Like Ronny at the truck stop.
I beg the camera dude to stop showing such ugly supporters.
Chelsea’s child killers carrying the play so far.
I decided to boycott today’s Champion’s League Final. City’s owners have child slaves who literally die & or have their genitals mutilated for camel racing. Chelski’s owner is a child killer for funding land theft in East Jerusalem.
Fuck them both.
While I like having a social conscience, not sure I am willing to brave Googling “camel racing genital mutilation”
[hands Hippo his laptop]
“Just type in ‘c-a’ and the rest should autofill.”
– Buddy Cole
So, esteemed Pervert Panel – who emerges this afternoon as the Grand Shempions del Europe?
If Kevin The Broom scores The City of Man wins.
You watching CBS’ dedicated Broom-cam?
No, but I am rubbing some lube on the end of a cleaning apparatus at the moment.
I’m a subscriber and don’t know if these are behind a paywall, but a couple Tex-centric sports articles I found interesting:
https://www.texasmonthly.com/arts-entertainment/texas-mlb-expansion-team/
https://www.texasmonthly.com/news-politics/deshaun-watson-cases-buzbee-hardin/
The baseball story makes sense from a “money now!” perspective, but I get the dude’s plan to build up the infrastructure first.
Plus, Portland will never get a team, because the “stay weird” mentality of the city means they’d have to build the stadium miles outside the downtown core.
Ran 5 miles yesterday (okay, probably 75% of it) and of course my knee is throbbing today. Just walked a mile at the track today.
/shoutout to the shirtless, 70-ish year-old man that lapped me while wearing dress pants, a belt and steel-toed shoes. Fucker.
Really, I should have pulled the old, “Do you know who I am!?”*
*on a site that you don’t read, I eat guys like you for lunch on a regular basis!
I was treated to a “normal” evening out yesterday (1st since Smarch ‘20), to a brewery. This is the booziest beer I’ve ever had: rye beer cured on rye whiskey barrels. That stuff tasted like summin between sherry and cognac
The booziest beers get super sweet, remember going to a tasting back in the day of the then strongest beer and it was like simple syrup
Whenever I think of
MilwaukeeManhattan, I think of beer.One of the best beers I’ve ever drank was a rye bread beer at Wynkoop brewery in Denver. I think it was a Kvass. Heavy cherry notes. Just awesome.
Traveling alone in Muslim countries, even in resorts. Downside, awkward conversation with men who have odd ideas about Western women. Upside, free bottle of Tattinger when they try to get you drunk. Hah, like one bottle will get my pants off!
I really thought I was getting too old for this
Beware of Muslim Tattinger roofies. You sure don’t want to wake up in a harem in the UAE or something!
You can bet that no harem overlords want me waking up there either 😉 their jobs are hard enough already
Where are you at, Dok?
Colombia is freekin’ OSOM. They always play the Argues hard and dirty. Plus, Colombianos have the finest español in the world (YMMV). Their colloquial “usted” makes conversations with ladyfolk sound flirty and playful.
Uf
/fans self
🎶Soy una chica difícil, pero yo valgo la pena🎶 🥰 🍆
https://youtube.com/watch?v=LieBsaxb4EA
Chanteuse submitted foar Hippo consideratuon: Andrea Echeverri
Brentford goes up which also means Chelsea will win. A miserable day for the other West Londoners on the books. I hate Tony Khan.
It’s airing on CBS (as well as Paramount+) here.
https://www.cbssports.com/soccer/news/everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-uefa-champions-league-final-airing-on-cbs-and-paramount/
From a GAMBLOR perspective, Draw (+240) and/or Chelski (+340) seem like damned good value
Brentford is solid in my books though but only because of Ian Rankin
I really hate the idea of the Cherries staying down another year. Fuck. They were close.
That’s Paola from 90 Day Fiancé.
Sad that I know who that is. The mrs loves that show
Betting she doesn’t stay past 92
I’m just gonna change the flag and use this as my Peru preview and see if anyone notices.
Aw shit, I’m typing my thoughts out again, aren’t I?
I mean, sort of? It’s the 5G nanobots – but only those of use who have been vaccinated can decrypt the output.
It’s my 22nd weddin anniversary today. Iz old
Hey now, I got hitched all the way back in 1997. But I only made it to 12 (technically 13, as divorce process played out).
But srsly, huzzah to the GTD family!
I did technically 21 years, but the last three were Terri Schiavo “alive”.
I made it a full 10 years. Smart enough to get out early, stupid enough to grant her half of everything including social security.
Twenty two years is commendable and amazing.
Congrats to you and missus Decision.
The 22nd anniversary is the “Roll of Paper Towels” anniversary, right?
I thought that was numero 52, given that PR’s the 52nd state
/hides from DonT
🖕🏼
Teh paper towels are on back order due to the pandemic. Lol
This year’s theme is water, according to Hallmark, so drinks it is.
Kudos to you and Mrs. Final Decision.
Well done! Your marriage is old enough to drink, but not old enough to drink responsibly!
For you and your lovely bride
https://youtu.be/BKSkBsnfkFA
Gumby and I are working on anny#39.
Ugh. The Bees JUST MIGHT replace us.
aaaaannnnnnnddddd back to Footy Manager
/soUrry about the Great Replacement, Litre
Swans’ manager looks like…he might earn the club a tax deduction.
I spent a fair amount of time this week explaining to sales reps and customers alike that the reason we are continually running short of breaded pickle spears is because that storm that hit Texas awhile ago (“What storm?”) killed the cucumber crop there.
Reps/Customers: “But why don’t you just have them in stock?”
Me: [sighs]
“How does the cucumber crop have anything to do with pickles?”
“That makes no sense at all. Pickles grow on trees and cucumbers grow in the ground-everyone knows that!”
Pickle some zucchini and see how long it takes for anyone to notice
While on the subject, I made some pickles using yeah right’s method and they are ready and they are delicious.
Whhhhhhelp, after a prolonged hot shower, the Good Mrs. Reefer was kind enough to squirt a couple of tablespoons worth of rancid mayo out of my back. Sweet relief…
Sebaceous cysts are such fun…
I had one of those once, I was post-divorce, but pre-full recluse at that point (ie, thought I might still have sex again), so I had the dermatologist remove.
YES, she wrote me a script, too.
Yeppers… I think i’m going to have to bite the bullet & get it removed (although I’ve become rather attached to the lil feller. His name is Cyril the Cyst). I’m prolly going to blow through my deductible this year, so might as well….
This comment tells a very different story if you only read the first fifteen words or so.
Yea, i was waiting for that… I should’ve prefaced it with “It had been building up for a couple of weeks, and the pressure was getting unbearable….”
“It had turned reddish purple, and was alarmingly swollen”
“I never thought my cyst would explode like this before, but I recently had an experience that I thought I should share with your readers…”
Always envisioned Carmelita as a Columbian, for some reason… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2p7mpJKzkQ
(or maybe this song just makes me think of Hippo, for some reason)
Looks like Canada isn’t going to make it to the playoff round at the IIHF Championship-that’s okay, we’ve never really liked hockey anyway.
Canada is now officially better at tennis than hockey or curling.
Our tennis folk tend to burn out early though, don’t they? That Bassett kid, Raonic and the French Canuck girl that won a major a few years ago.
I’d say Raonic has been fairly consistent, he just had a lower ceiling than many of us hoped. He’s 9-36 against the Big Four, and four of those are against Murray, none against Djokovic.
But since he cracked the Top 20 in 2012, his year-end ranking has been: 13, 11, 8, 14, 3, 24, 18, 31, 14, which is pretty stable in the tennis world.
Andreescu’s U.S. Open win was in 2019, and she had injury troubles in 2020, so hard to say what her career will look like.
Bassett-Seguso, yeah, she was teen phenom and then dropped off a cliff at age 20. You could throw Eugenie Bouchard in that category, too — cracked the top ten in 2014, and hasn’t been near it since, with a ranking in the triple digits in recent years.
Here’s the Handsome Him-ez pic, that no worky in article:
?crop=5303%2C2983%2C205%2C251&resize=1180
FUCK, still no work. Shall we try sexier?
http://thecomeback.com/32flags/wp-content/uploads/sites/158/2014/11/james-rodriguez-shirtless-underwear-11242014-02-435×580.jpg
FUCK again, but prepare yer lady-boners, I put this’un into the main post
/knew Balls would appreciate the underwear, too
Images don’t seem to be popping up this morning, for some reason…
Not just u…
Well damn, much appreciate!
de nada, Senorita Doktor!
I do believe the Rev was the last musical act I saw pre-plague. They played a very short set 😑
That is quite unlike them. Their live performances are legend amongst all who have experienced North Cakalaky university life, these past few decades.
Got to be getting old now, though.
Yeah, their set the previous year was much longer and better. They also had some new guy playing/singing on some of the songs. Was probably fine, but I hated it due to it not being my expectations
blob:https://doorfliesopen.com/905458e9-db59-412d-b39b-fbf01779e413
Nope. Still too stupid to post a gif. Anyway just imagine a Higuita scorpion kick.
Speaking of SEXY, just read in el Atletico that the Hammers’ victory anthem this season is…Rednex’ Cotton Eye Joe.
Are you fucking kidding me? I used to have to go back up the tunnel and into the men’s room at yankee stadium just to TRY to avoid hearing that fucking song.
https://theathletic.com/2599947/2021/05/29/microwave-meals-cotton-eye-joe-and-plenty-of-shouting-how-david-moyes-led-west-ham-back-to-europe/
This squad have been labelled the band of brothers and The Athletic can reveal that “Cotton Eye Joe”, by Rednex, became the theme song of their season. Rice is the dressing-room DJ and the team would play it whenever they would win. Camaraderie is at an all-time high, with the high jinks evident in the scenes when Noble was pelted with eggs and flour by his team-mates when he celebrated his 34th birthday earlier this month.
We are all Swansea today.
Si. Es verdad.
For additional fun Colombia action, if you have Amazon Prime, check out The Grand Tour Season 3 Episodes 2 & 3. Spoiler: Pablo Escobar’s hippos make a guest appearance!
always felt like Pablo just GOT me, ya know??