We’re now smack dab in the middle of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:

• Copa América (FINAL TODAY!)
• Euro 2020 (FINAL TOMORROW!)
• Concacaf Gold Cup (Started already!)
• Tokyo Olympic Games (NOW WITH LESS PEOPLE AND MORE COVID!)

For some, no doubt gambling-related, reason, King Hippo declined to take his usual Saturday morning futbol slot and offered it up for someone to preview today’s Copa America final between Argentina and Brasil.

The game starts at 5:00 PM Pacific time on Univision and TUDN in Spanish and on Fox Sports 1 in English in the United States. For Canadian coverage, head on over to Univision Canada for Spanish and TSN4 for English.

Today’s teams are:

Brasil

Country Fun Facts

As I have mentioned previously, Brasil is the Land of the Asses

You may think it’s strange, but I’ve actually written quite a lot about this phenomenon.

It is also one of the most amazingly beautiful places I have ever been to.

Unfortunately, they also have a screwed-up government that has botched the COVID response (to put it mildly. The president said it was just a little flu…), eliminated an alarming percentage of the Amazon rainforest, and is currently steering the country into a financial crisis unseen in Latin America since the 1970s.

As I mentioned in my Land of the Asses piece, however, the people persevere and take joy in their beloved National Team.

How Did They Get Here?

By rolling through the Group Stage without a loss

Brasil 3 – 0 Venezuela

Brasil 4 – 0 Perú

Brasil 2 – 1 Colombia

Brasil 1 – 1 Ecuador

And then, in the Knockout Stage:

Brasil 1 – 0 Chile

Brasil 1 – 0 Perú

What Did DFO Say in the Team Preview?

Wakezilla/Neymar did a masterful job of telling you that Neymar would dive like Greg Louganis in his prime, would have a lot of fun with his sister, and would be surprised if the team got to the semifinal.

It hasn’t really panned out that way except that Neymar does continue to have a LOT of fun with his sister.

***

Argentina

Country Fun Facts

Argentina is the land of beef, dulce de leche, quince, and more than casual racism.

It is also home to a LOT of plastic surgeons and self-proclaimed experts on nearly every subject on the planet.

I hear the country is quite beautiful and we got a glimpse of it on Top Gear before an Argentinian mob attacked the English cast and crew for making a simple joke about the Falkland Islands. Or, as the Argentinians will tell you, Las Islas Malvinas.

Much like Randall said in Clerks that his job would be great if it weren’t for the fucking customers, Argentina would be amazing if it weren’t for the numerous assholes in the country.

But you should really try the food, it’s fucking outstanding!

How Did They Get Here?

Similarly to Brasil, they went through the Group Stage undefeated:

Argentina 1 – 1 Chile

Argentina 1 – 0 Uruguay

Argentina 1 – 0 Paraguay

Argentina 4 – 1 Bolivia

And then progressed through the Knockout Stage like this:

Argentina 3 – 0 Ecuador

Argentina 1 – 1 Colombia (Won on penalties 3 – 2)

What Did DFO Say in the Team Preview?

Don T took us on a delightful trip through the truly deluded mind of the modern Argentinian. Not only do they think they’re better than all of Latin America put together, they also think Soda Stereo is the greatest thing since the discovery of fire, and abide by the words of Domingo Faustino Sarmiento:

Las cosas, hacerlas.

Aunque mal, pero hacerlas.

Domingo Faustino Sarmiento

Christ, what an asshole.

You find yourself saying that a lot about the Argentinians. If you doubt that, please Google “Argentina trash talk Colombia”. Some choice quotes include:

• “Bailá ahora!” – Lionel Messi
• “Estás nervioso, mirá que está un poquito grande la pelota, dejá de hacerte el boludo, ya te conozco, te la atajo eh, mirá que te como hermano eh, mirá que te como.” – Emiliano Martinez
• “Nos vemos, gordito!” – either Leandro Paredes or German Pezella

Don T also said that Argentina would get all the way to the final and then lose in penalties

Pronóstico

The neutrals will probably want Lionel Messi to finally get an international trophy with Argentina. I feel pretty safe in stating that the majority of us assholes would find it rather funny if he were to fail at the final. Specially in penalties as Don T predicted. Given how they acted against Colombia, that would make it extra ironic and delicious.

However, the entire tournament got moved to Brasil and the Final is in the Maracaná. Could that mean another Maracanázo?

As for me, I think you know where my allegiances lie…

I think that Brasil actually beats Argentina in regular time and Argentinian tears flow yet again.

Your thoughts in the comments.