Whelp, for those of us on Uncle Sam’s payroll, prepare your anus for another Republican Shutdownapalooza. Yes, in the increasingly likely event that the GOP refuses to agree to a continuing resolution to keep government “discretionary” funding flowing, we’re shutting back down at the stroke of Midnight Thursday evening, and the Treasury will be effectively Out of Money two weeks later. I say “we” are shutting down, but I and my dear colleagues will continue to work on the understanding that they’ll stop paying us at some near point.
YOU’RE WELCOME.
Sorry.
NFL NEWS: All drugs, all the time!
-CrimeBeat!: Cowboys right tackle La’el Collins has now served two games of his five-game suspension. It was originally reported that although it was under the league’s Substance Abuse Policy, it wasn’t for a dirty drop. Rather it was for missing tests, which Collins claimed were during excused absences, and the league and NFLPA negotiated it down to two games. Collins was still unhappy, and so the matter went to a neutral arbitrator…who promptly increased it back to five games. Turns out it wasn’t two or three missed drops, but seven. And it turns out that Collins tried to bribe the NFL drug-sample collector. No word yet on what the offered bribe was, but given that this voids the injury guarantee on his massive contract roughly halfway through, I hope it was substantial. We give him a lot of shit, but if there is one thing Roger Goodell will NOT stand for, it is an attempt to use money to subvert the rule of law.
Yes, two Bob Krafts- one for the videotape/SigInt bullshit and one for the sex trafficking. Good luck getting that last picture out of your mind.
-Team Sticky Icky leading receiver Josh Gordon has been reinstated from his sixth suspension and is expected to sign with Kansas City as a complement to Complete Piece of Human Excrement Tyreek Hill. As many wags have noted, this is somewhat of a surprise as neither Kansas nor Missouri has legalized recreational marijuana. It is currently unclear (read: I am too lazy to research) whether Gordon will still be subject to marijuana testing, since the latest collective bargaining agreement removed weed from testing for most of the year and is not grounds for suspension. I dunno if there’s some sort of grandfather clause (presumably a grandfather who looks like Tommy Chong) which still applies for parole under the former system. Regardless, I assume he will test positive for horse tranquilizers by Week 11.
Other Sports:
We’re headed into the final week of the interminably-long slog that is Major League Baseball. Toronto/Buffalo is clinging to life in their battle with The Fuggin’ Yankees and Bahston in the AL. Given that they play said Yankees and then the Orioles, hopefully the most exciting young team in baseball will still be playing in October. Meanwhile, the Most Glorious El Beisbol Cardinals continue marching like Sherman through Georgia (or perhaps like Taco Bell through an American colon). They play a Milwaukee team with nothing left to play for and a Cubs team with nothing left in their souls. One win in six..I like those odds.
Finally: another installment of Obscure Movie Hot Tip. This week: UHF!
UHF stars the ageless “Weird Al” Yankovic, pre-racist Michael Richards, pre-insane Victoria Jackson, pre-SAG-AFTRA president Fran Drescher and the criminally underappreciated Emo Philips. It’s 60 percent absurdist, 30 percent parody and 10 percent pork entrails. The plot (such as it is) is that perennial loser George gets fired from flipping burgers and gets hired at his uncle’s newly-obtained Far Up The Dial tiny TV station. (Feel free to draw any Arthur Smith parallels). In desperation, he begins airing insane programming that the public laps up.
Somewhat like Idiocracy, reality has almost rendered some of the humor moot. The concept of a small, independently-owned TV station is so outdated as to be laughable unto itself. The “outlandish” TV shows on Channel 62 are now things that you can see some dumbshit young programming exec at Fox pitching. Putting EZ Cheez into a split Twinkie is no longer a fascinating exercise in disgust; it’s the Texas State Fair.
But it’s still a lovely movie. Gentle in its humor and parody, like the comedy equivalent of the Great British Baking Show. Go see it.
Canadian election follow up – the first domino/party leader has fallen:
https://twitter.com/torontostar/status/1442508220535394310?s=21
I confess I have never understood what the Canadian Green Party’s raison d’etre is.
In the U.S., I get it. It’s folks who consider the Democrats to be corporate sellouts, etc., and would rather vote Green than support a Dem. I don’t agree but I get it.
In Canada, what is the thinking? I mean, the NDP exists, and while they’ve never formed a government federally, and only been the official opposition once, they can claim credit for influencing policy directly in minority Parliaments, and indirectly in the old “Liberals adopt their policy” way. And they’re a constant thorn in the side of the Liberals, preventing them from moving too far right lest they lose seats to the NDP. So they’re effective in a sense. What, exactly, does voting Green in Canada accomplish?
The Greens gained prominence because the NDP, at its core, is a socialist labour party. So when the provincial governments under their charge in the 80s & 90s sided with the forestry, mining or petroleum unions, that gave the Greens a chance to sneak in to the left. It gave holier-than-thous in the environmental movement a chance to express their moral superiority by ‘punishing’ the NDP by putting their vote somewhere else – trying to force the party to win them back.
Now that everyone agrees climate change is an issue – even Erin O’Toole – the Greens no longer have that raison d’etre as their main selling point. They are going to be in the weeds for a while.
Here’s another submarine story. I hope these don’t bore you.
This is the ”contacts” story.
A nuclear submarine has an enormous amount of sensing and detecting equipment. When we were surface transiting we had all of it in use. I was an engineer but I was often a bridge visitor so I saw all of this.
When surface running, we had three main sensor systems, and our “contacts” were classified by the sensor system that was detecting them.
Sonar contacts were designated as “Sierra” contacts and given a number (e.g. “Sierra 14”). Radar contacts were designated “Romeo” contacts and also given a number. Visual sightings from the bridge cockpit were designated “Victor” contacts and they too were given a number.
Down on the conn they were plotting and comparing all this contact information, and doing all the math. Believe you me, a lot of math gets done on a submarine.
So on the conn they would analyze and compare all the Sierra, Romeo, and Victor contacts and determine if it was the same thing. If so, then the Sierra, Romeo, and Victor contacts would be removed and designated as a “Master” contact, and this would also be given a number.
This was “tracking.” And in the busy North Atlantic, this was a constant process, but this was our business. We knew where everybody was.
One night I was a bridge visitor, and there was a light on the Eastern horizon, spotted visually, so it was designated a “Victor” contact. Just a dot of light on the horizon. However, sonar and radar were reporting no contacts in that area. This was not making any sense, yet we could clearly see it.
Finally, they sent up night vision binoculars (extremely exotic in 1984) and we took a look at the Victor contact.
It was the moon, in thin crescent stage, coming up over the horizon.
Buddy Cole once mooned an entire sub crew also, but that’s a different kind of story.
There was a “torpedo” involved.
These are never boring. Thanks again for sharing.
They should be a weekly or monthly series.
Gumby watched this today. Alpaca-adjacent evil llama! He said it wasn t Sharknado quality, but it was cheesy fun.
Los Glorious Béisbol Cardinals TRIUMPHANT
Congrats on getting blasted at Dodger Stadium.
(That means at least two things!)
“Three, if you do it right”
-Buddy Cole
It’s incredible that the Party Of Financial Responsibility, Reduced Spending, And Fiscal Conservatism is so good at spending our money, but when the bill comes due, they decide “nah, fuck that, we ain’t payin’.”
Meanwhile hardworking American government employees get to bear the brunt. Party of the Common Man, my ass.
Update: By nosehairs I mean cilia. In the lungs. Probably.
Scar tissue can’t get COVID. Proven fact.
think of how much you saved on internal organ waxing!
Do you use eyewear when cooking weaponized peppers?
For this you might need an entire gas mask.
Shit. I thought making the ghost pepper jam was bad.
The fútbol DFOers will understand why I’m posting this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGO8HN1QQdI
https://i.postimg.cc/J0HRgD3P/DE5615-D1-5327-4063-9-BBF-8-EEC0-FD46-D58.webp
Odd that they play in the part of Moldova that considers themselves not Moldovan.
Also read this. It is hilarious.
Purchased!
Pepper Spray Steak is being cooked. This is not a drill, as evidenced by my nosehairs being singed.
Back in the days when my group of friends would pre-game, we called it ‘drinking from the firehose’.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXc5ltzKq3Y&ab_channel=kingryan01
That’s really interesting, because I had a girlfriend that did a thing that I called “drinking from the firehose”
Was that when you caught her blowing the entire fire station?
How did you know???
THIS GIRLFRIEND OF ANTHONY’S, I CALL HER THE DALMATIAN, BECAUSE SHE LICKS EVERY FIREMAN SHE SEES.
Especially awkward since it was the Dalmatian’s turn.
Do not get Blax started on red rockets.
I love this whole thread so much.
Um, should I ever get dumped by the wife, can I get her number?
You can have it, but make sure all of your shots are updated.
We referred to it as “prelims.”
Blazing saddles just because
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcokL59jeqU&ab_channel=Movieclips
That movie’s incredible and chock-full of jokes that would NEVER fly today.
I’m not so sure about that.
Yeah, it uses the n-word a lot, but mostly (entirely?) it’s the racist townspeople saying it, so the joke is kind of on them. Django Unchained used it a hell of a lot, and that was just a few years ago.
That’s fair. I don’t know how well it would be received–the movie tiptoes the line between “razor-sharp satire” and “downright offensive” that a lot of people would probably misunderstand the humor.
It’s been a while, so there are probably things I’m forgetting about it. But I suspect any of them could be fixed. I bet you could actually do a pretty wicked remake of Blazing Saddles, and the only people who would complain about it are conservatives who would say it was “too woke.”
It’s like the comic book fans who gripe that the medium got “too political.” Right, because Captain America punching out Hitler, and later unmasking Richard Nixon as a fascist conspiracy leader, and resigning his position in protest — that shit wasn’t political <i>at all</i>.
True. You’d have to have a high-quality writer’s room, but it could be done.
Anyone who has spent any time reading comic books and thinks they’re just now getting political is either a dumbass, mad that not everyone in the books is white, or is pretending to be mad to stir up some bullshit.
Wait a minute – there was subtext to “Watchmen”?
“Durr…. Rorschach was the coolest!”
Yeah, but only the new show SMH everyone’s goin’ woke them original comics was subtext-free itellyouwhat
Yeah, I think a lot of it is a reflection that comics used to be read by an audience of 80% kids and 20% adults, and now it’s flipped. Lots of people just skimmed the pages or missed the implications when, say, Green Lantern and Green Arrow were teaming up for “social justice” in the 70s, but now they’re adults and they’re seeing the “political stuff” for the first time (they think).
That’s an excellent point.
Kids see BAM! and POW! and don’t pick up the subtleties. Now that they’re grown up, they want it to be exactly like it always was… even though it is, what they see is different from what they expect.
My fave illegal stream site got shut down. Dammit.
Pornhub is still up and running, so your favorite barely legal stream site is all good!
Invoking the hive mind on this:
I’m going to the Hollywood Bowl this Friday to see Hall & Oates. Plan is to arrive early and bring dinner to have at one of the picnic tables. What are some good picnic foods? Assume that being stuck in Bowl traffic means that it will be impossible to keep anything hot, so we’re looking at stuff that is good cold or room temperature.
Sandwiches probably the simplest option. Maybe charcuterie. But feels like we can do better?
Welll….everything is a sandwich
– Maestro
If you’re brave enough
Let me know if want to drink at the historic Hollywood American Legion post, located right next to the Hollywood Bowl. It’s a private club but I can get you in. Beers cost a dollar, top shelf costs three bucks, and the pours are generous.
Thanks and I will definitely take you up on that at some point, but I think the timing won’t work out on this one.
Cold fried chicken.
Yeah, good thought. I think one member of our party won’t go for that, but maybe she just needs to get her own thing.
You tell that one person that if he/she doesn’t like fried chicken they should be staked to an ant hill and covered with honey-BBQ sauce.
Quiche.
That’s the answer.
That is a good answer. And I’ve made quiche many times, so no problem pulling it off.
I like it just as much cold/room temperature as hot. It transports well too.
Hey, sometimes a quickie doesn’t work and you have to spend a little more time on foreplay.
Oh, QUICHE.
Cold fried chicken is so goddamn good. Tuna salad and egg salad and shrimp salad.
Human brains are also a winner, but they have to be warm, right out of the skull to really enjoy
You could always pick up sandwiches from a sub shop. Something nicer than Subway, of course, but I’m not familiar with that area.
Fancy olives, nuts, hard cheese, dates (or figs or dried fruit), crackers / bread, hummus, one spread, carrot sticks, chips, dried chorizo / coldcuts, fruit salad.
Those have been tested.
Hall & Oates is one of the last bands I want to see live. I was eyeballing that so much last night, but know I’ll be working until 7 or 8 on Friday and maybe this weekend. My next chance is to see them in Indio, but fuck that place.
Here is what I used to do for Bingo: Stop at a market that sells sushi, Marukai or Mitsuwa, and then you can pig out with some good stuff. Plus the snacks from there.
Hall and Oates is the last band I want to see live too! Like, almost any other band I would prefer.
Maybe not Yoko.
I’ve seen Weird Al, Diana Ross, Prince, Olivia Newton-John. H&O would be the last kiss upon my list, when I turn out the lights.
I’ve seen H&O I think three times now. They do a great show, although it tends to be shorter because Oates has health/voice issues. They compensate for this by giving their opening act more stage time, which is usually good. I’m looking forward to seeing Squeeze on Friday, I haven’t seen them before and I’ve gotten more into their catalogue over the last couple of years.
I got to see them perform on PBS a few years back and it was fantastic to hear them live. They didn’t sound terrible and worn down at all. But, still on the TV, not IRL. Gotta have at least one life goal beyond banging.
It’s funny you mentioned this because just today I jotted down “predators” as a subject for a future Request Line.
Fuckin’ nailed it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N202TC00IHM
(because it was unconscious, you see)
Chicken is always good, hot or cold.
UHF is available to be streamed on FuboTV, Showtime, DirectTV, and Spectrum OnDemand.
Everywhere else it can be rented/bought, but no one is really doing that, anyway.
I have made my references to this movie on here many times before. Specifically this one:
https://youtu.be/QfvLcozLwtE
We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gx6TBrfCW54