This week, I have no Balls’ Thoughts O’ Da Week as it’s been a very crazy week at work and I also had to check in each night to see if I had to report to jury duty the next day.
Luckily for the criminals of LA County, I was not selected. Because if there’s one thing that Balls is tough on, it’s TOUGH ON CRIME!
Man, I couldn’t even type that without laughing.
Anyway, the weekend is finally here and I can relax. Enjoy today’s selection of beautiful ladies brought to you by our intrepid commentists. My penis and I thank you all very much! Enjoy!
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For those of you prudes that don’t like cheesecake or beefcake, click HERE to skip to the music videos.
Here are your Top 11 pictures of the week.
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YOU’RE-A-PRUDE
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And now, for the music!
As I mentioned before, I’ve decided that I must take up the mantle that tWBS ran with and help to make this world a better place. I will do this in the one way he couldn’t: By introducing you to good music!
This week, instead of songs, I’m playing for you six of my favourite Sgt. Ducky videos. I think one of you guys posted one here and that’s how I got introduced to them. Anyway, he’s a funny motherducker. Enjoy!
Song Number One:
Canción Número Dos:
Chanson Numéro Trois:
Canzone numero quattro:
Canção número cinco
Seigarren zenbakia:
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That’s all for this week, folks! Be good to each other and fly low and avoid the radar.
We started watching Dune around 6 tonight, and I just finished it. Between a 5 and 8 year old’s attention span, a surprisingly neurotic dog, dinner, occasionally technical difficulties and endless pauses, this is the best adaptation of source material to a movie I can recall in some time. Way to give me #content hope!
Unlike MAHKY MAHK apparently going to be Victor Sullivan in the Uncharted movie. That’s my fucking nightmare.
Cool. I’ve been meaning to check that out.
Tell me more about the dog!
Also, gonna watch it at some point this weekend.
She ate a jack-o’-lantern nose, among other pumpkin parts, and we were worried she’d be pooping everywhere based on how she was acting. NOT THE CASE after two panicked acting walks. Now fast asleep.
Ola meus lindos amigos!
As of tomorrow, the countdown is less than 7 years.
Yes my dear people I am 6 full bones tomorrow. The full 60 bucks.
Sixty goddamn laps and counting.
So how does our resident food guru celebrate his 60º aniversário?
Dinner with my two beautiful daughters at a Michelin starred Dining establishment in Hollywood.
I mean?
Limo service is at 4:15 dinner at 5:15 PM.
I taught both of the right offspring how to appreciate real cuisine. Now theoretically they’re taking me out for my birthday.
Got a real life tip for everyone: If someone offers to pay for your dinner on your birthday, say “OK.”
I have paid for every damn tab for these the girls their whole lives. I sure as Hell won’t say no to them picking up the tab.
Give one of those “I Mean this but I really don’t” reaches towards the bill and if they say “No. I got this.”
Let them have that.
Truth.
I generally don’t give a damn about birthdays, but once in a while, you have to take a day for yourself.
(SoCal DFOers, or those willing to travel, should keep August 2023 free for my 50th….)
Happy 60th!
Are you going to Providence? I’ve only been once, years ago, but it was very good.
Your 50th better feature hookers and blow or I won’t be there.
j/k the fuck do I have going on ever
Five Guys cheeseburger off the hooker’s chest FTW.
omg just finished thinking about it
Or we can all run for the border
IIRC, combination burrito is still on the menu. Don’t need to squint for that.
I was thinking more about hiring a not-too-pricey 80s band, but sure, hookers and blow are an option too.
White Snake cover band!
Ok hire Men At Work or Missing Persons
Again whatevs I’m there and will not bring hookers and blow because I’ve done neither just trying to seem like a big shot.
Osteria Mozza.
Mostly for the house made burrata and prosciutto.
But they said there would be lamb chops!
That’s good, too!
If your limo wants to stop by Dunstan’s Cocktail Bar beforehand, I would happily toast your 60th.
Keep me informed, because Yes, I’m in!
means a lot to them, enjoy their pride in treating their Dad.
Indeed!
Thanks, I have told but can’t begin to tell how much I love my daughters. It’s easily my most fulfilling life moment.
Major moments of doubt throughout the parenting thing, you hope, You really hope and then…
Not only do they turn out well adjusted and intelligent, they inherited your maniacal work ethic and holy fuck, both of them are dominating real life. I’m retiring and letting them take charge.
May the Lord have mercy on your souls.
They are amazing, and be prepared for at least one of them to own the world.
I have two of mine own and know exactly what you are talking about Buddy.
One moment my daughter will do something, and I think, “I can’t believe we’ve raised such an awesome person.” Then she drags her phone out to add 21 and 16 and I know I’ve failed as a parent.
we cant win em all…
It’s a long game. Long, my friend.
You really can’t get a true assessment until their in their 30’s. Sometimes late 30’s.
Eh, she’s a good kid. She’s just convinced she knows everything, which is annoying to those of us who actually know everything.
I wish I could tell you that that would change,
but I wouldn’t be sincere.
HAPPY
MOTHERFUCKING
BIRTHDAY
MY FRIEND
Proud to know you and the world is a better place with you in it.
Love you too my brother. Damn glad to meet you. Also really glad we’re getting rain to put an early end to fire season.
If you live in LA it’s best if you surround yourself with freeways and concrete.
Welcome to the old fart club. I turned 60 in July, so I guess I’m always gonna be older than you until I shuffle off this mortal coil. How the fuck did this happen, anyway?
Good on the daughters for take you out for dinner. My daughter should have done that, but we’re paying her more allowance than I get in allowance. I guess that’s what princesses are for.
Anyway, condolences, and grats!
I turned 61 last month, so I can boss you and Yeah Right around!
You’re going to have to get in line behind the wife, boss, daughter, dog, cat, and mother-in-law.
Happy Birthday to you, my darling dear! You are my favorite. Don’t tell the others.
HEY
It’s ok, he’s our favorite too.
I am so damn glad you found our little weird corner of the internet. You’re a real gem, a true Doll!
The Cats Pajamas!
23 Skiddoo!
You’re the best Gumbygirl.
Thank you.
Happy West Coast birthday my brother!
That’s ROCKING!
Which restaurant?
N/M saw below.
Ok, Black Widow was pretty cool, but why wouldn’t she have told any of her fellow avengers about how she saved all these girls?
Here to report the new Parquet Courts is really good.
Of course, if you’re familiar with PC, you probably already knew or assumed that.
https://youtu.be/0R7wpcw1Z4A
Yeah, this is a quality band. And nothing to do with the Celtics, so that’s good.
I haven’t seen Brick around lately. Did he leave us?
He’s producing a submarine movie with supergay subtext called The Seamen And The Hard Metal Tube.
Ah well, then I guess I’ll just use this now:
THIS GUY MY DAD WENT HUNTING WITH, I CALL HIM BRICK MEATHOOK, BECAUSE HE JUST KILLED A MOOSE
(I have nothing against Brick, the hunting part is true and I’m just taking the opportunity to make a lame joke.)
Likewise, I make fun because it’s my vocation.
Wow, that’s some major dick-self-shooting by CO State up in Merlin Olsen Stadium this evening.
Stepping on yer dick is a legacy remark I’d like to see make a comeback. The Nam vets who raised me used it all of the time. Their enhanced version of it was; stepping on yer dick with jungle boots.
Nam vets are good for more than just accepting change in front of McDonald’s.
I like to imagine dickstepping done via Irish dancing, because it’s the only way I can get hard without farm animals. Good thing I’m just imagining typing this.
This is one of those times when I feel sorry for the FBI agents tasked with monitoring DFO.
Yeah we have a tough job,
Arizona gonna collapse and remain winless. And will be crushed.
Is this a Sinema thing? Because she sucks hard.
CATS
Ah some jellicle shit. Carry on.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKNbAKJCci0&ab_channel=BritIronRebel
I could use one right now.
Sorry buddy. Even if it’s right, it’s rough. But you’re among (fucked up) friends here.
Also, my personal favorite cigarette song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdI-l5aTEaM
I’m smoking a cigar on your behalf if that helps.
Well, it helps me, anyway.
Apparently, (soon-to-be-ex) wifey is filing for divorce. I love yinz. I’m still sober, and, I’m not going to do anything crezzy. I’m just eating a shit load of nachos, and listening to a lot of Bob Dylan.
Love yinz.
Sorry if this double posts:
Sorry? Or not? Is this an unwelcome or unexpected development?
In any event, I’m here to drink on your behalf.
Shit I’m so sorry man
Hoo boy. We are here for you.
Huh.
I thought women liked guys with senses of humor.
Sorry friend, try some of this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFyGuuJJfKU
Fuck, dude. I’m so sorry.
Oof. Sorry, friend.
Current mood: Gordon Lightfoot, with a touch of Jim Croce
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vST6hVRj2A&ab_channel=Zeezy
Sounds like the Witch of November came early for you.
So, stoned cabbie crashes his cab into a Great Lakes iron ore hauler?
Stoned cabbie? That sounds more Harry Chapin
Dang, man, you are correct! Well, stoned commenter here, so it fits.
I know my 70s singer-songwriter dudes with bad relationships.
Harry Chapin was another fucking great one.
The “I was a not great dad” song STILL stings like a bitch.
Yeah, a lot of people dismiss him as maudlin and cheesy, but I actually like him a lot.
“Flowers Are Red” is an unappreciated gem.
No he was a for real artist, and dismissing him is stupid and stupid.
I will check out that song, thankee sai.
You better take care if I find you been creepin round my back stair
Unless you have booze.
In which case you’ll invite me in and we’ll listen to Old Dan’s records?
I mean, obviously.
YACHT ROCK 4 LYFE
https://youtu.be/rrOE-m7sX9E
I saw Parachuting Beaver open for Duran Duran back in the 80s.
Good evening fellow degenerates…
Well, it’s the equal of two evils but Alex Cora was the ringleader (which people forget) so fuck him. Once again, go NL.
https://youtu.be/Avo7ebkWXDI
I thought it was just squirrels on the roof. Thank God for Dr. Mayanja!
Pfft, no way he can keep me from loitering
The catching thieves to eat grass one has me hella confuse.
Time to watch Black Widow. Peace.
Enjoy! I did not feel like the time I spent watching it was wasted time.
I enjoyed it!
It wasn’t great! It was a good Marvel movie!
It doesn’t really add anything to the MCU, but it’s fun.
Good night Boston.
FACK YOU
/actually I don’t give a shit
It’s cool that cheaters never prosper and karma’s a bitch and all those other things we tell ourselves that aren’t even remotely true because God doesn’t exist or is just an asshole.
I mean, when the Massholes are the alternative? Bang a trashcan in celebration!
Surely Blax’ Boiz will be sexier??
Fingers motherfucking crossed!
RIKKI: “Siri, who leads the postseason in RBIs?”
SIRI: “Andy Reid leads the baseball postseason in ribs, as he has every season since 1995.”
Ribs Breathed In
Based on those first few pitches by Houck I’m predicting the Astros score 4 runs this inning.
At 42 years of age, I made a milkshake for the first time.
No, that’s not any sort of achievement. It was ice cream and milk in a blender. But it was fucking delicious and I wanted to tell someone about it.
You, my imaginary internet friends, are that someone.
With no bourbon or nothing? Just checking.
Nah, Mrs. In TX is sober, so unfortunately we can’t have any of the good stuff in the house.
I trust her, but even though she’s been sober for several years, she still doesn’t fully trust herself and it’s best not to tempt fate.
Whoa, that was heavy. Uhhh… dick joke!
You do you, we got all types around here. As long as they’re pro-dick joke and anti-pants, s’all good.
I’m definitely deeply pro-dick joke and very much anti-pants.
Mama, I’m home!
He actually meant “dick joke pros” and hey DFO when is my paycheck going to show up?
Proud of you and her for real.
/dick joke
Thank you.
I think the moral of the ALCS is that the Red Sox just didn’t want to cheat as badly as the Astros did. I mean they cheated with the best of them in Games 2 and 3, but at the end of the day their commitment to cheating just wasn’t there when they needed it to be. Whereas the Astros didn’t let up on their cheating from the very first pitch – they just kept on cheating and didn’t let the rules slow them down *at all*. They truly are an inspiration to anyone who wants to cheat at baseball.
I just gave ice cream recommendations to the couple one table over while dining outside.
My work is done.
*laughs in spanish*
How do you say “I’m gonna make $10,000” in Spanish? –Several million Texans
That Roman hair restoration thing that Snoop was pimping a while back doesn’t seem to work for him.
He should talk to Urlacher, or “Hairlacher” as a billboard near O’Hare proclaims him to be. I bet shilling hair product is all those two have in common, it would be fun to listen to them chat
Found a funny;
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
STOP SWINGING AT BAD PITCHES YOU STUPID CHOWDERHEADS!
I swear, if they simply didn’t swing at any pitches at all tonight they’d have about six walks by now.
Doktor Zymm had the dirt!
https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/tech-news/facebook-knew-radicalized-users-rcna3581
I can’t imagine this comes as any sort of surprise to anyone with critical thinking skills. Social media can be great and informative, but it can also be poison.
It’s best to stick with football-and-dick-joke sites.
Wait, how much is internet dad making off this site?
LoL
Aren’t we the Tits Group? Except for Zymm, Petronel, and me- we are the Tits alternative.
Oh petronel?
That always sounded like an alcoholic educated boys name.
Red Sox pitcher puts runners on 2nd and 3rd with nobody out, then proceeds to strike out the next three batters. That’s good pitchin’!
Oh wait, not quite the next three batters – struck out two, intentionally walked a guy, then struck out the next.
Yes, we were already quite aware that this is the darkest timeline.
The Red Sox are swinging (and missing) at so many balls.
The players can schedule their tee times tomorrow.
How long before this broker Carl in the Charles Schwab commercials goes all Patrick Bateman on some of those smug assholes fucking with his livelihood?
Do I need to read all six books before seeing Dune?
Followup, can all six be read in 2 weeks?
Finally, can I just read them after watching the movie and be fine?
Sure you could watch it without reading all the books, and previous movies, and all of my own fan fic extended universes additions INCLUDING the weird ones, but we’ll know if you don’t. We’ll know.
I’ve already been judged I see.
I read the first couple books when I was in HS 45 yrs ago. Would recommend watching first and then decided whether you want to read. You only have so many days left on the planet.
This is a bit more bleak than I expected.
But still helpful.
Eat Arby’s.
All that’s required is quality narcotics
Maaan!
I tried to read the first book and couldn’t finish it. The dialogue was awful.
I get that it’s an expansive, influential work and all that. But I hated it.
I’m waiting for someone to make a faithful Hyperion adaptation.
Shit, I already paid for all six.
I re-read the first book last year and mostly liked it.
Tried the second and found it very meh.
Got partway through the third and gave up.
What a fucking week
Tell me about it.
Can always spot the newlyweds because they still have “fucking weeks” while the rest of us have “fucking minute portions”
I broke a printer, nearly set my office of fire, and halfway through new employee orientation I realized my shirt was inside out.
And that was just monday!
You need to show them who you are, right from the beginning!
I have a massage appointment in 45 minutes and I am 100% going to fall asleep on the table, even though it is deep tissue and my shoulders are a mess
I miss massages
Tell me about it.
Settle down Mr. Kraft.
“I miss Kraft.” – Andy Reid, two hours after having sworn off American cheese
Yeah, I don’t mind cutting my own hair, but foam rolling just doesn’t cut it. I went back to massages even before I was vaccinated. Wearing a N95 is actually pretty comfy with those face ring things
UConn FITBAW – not particularly sexy
I was trying to think of something nice to say.
*updates Tinder profile bio*
Is it problematic that I don’t remember posting any of the pictures attributed to me?
OR, am I just lucky that I get to see them for the first time twice?
To be fair, these are a month old. I’m running behind on the updates. I may need to increase the number of pics per post back up to 25.
That makes more sense.
I’ll fill back up the hopper soon enough.
“I’m the same way whenever I watch any footage of my fifteen seasons of playing in the NFL.” – Trent Green
So, it seems that the AP and Coaches polls show my ultimate alma mater UTSA ranked 24 and 25 respectively. I don’t think they have ever been ranked since the FB program started. Beep Beep! Though I know they won’t stay on that list for long.
Hey, my niece goes to UTSA!
They’ve been awesome this season and have been kind of adopted as a favorite team among the Split Zone Duo guys.