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"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

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Sexy Friday, Almost Halloween 2021 edition

ballsofsteelandfury

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This week, I have no Balls’ Thoughts O’ Da Week as it’s been a very crazy week at work and I also had to check in each night to see if I had to report to jury duty the next day.

Luckily for the criminals of LA County, I was not selected. Because if there’s one thing that Balls is tough on, it’s TOUGH ON CRIME!

Man, I couldn’t even type that without laughing.

Anyway, the weekend is finally here and I can relax. Enjoy today’s selection of beautiful ladies brought to you by our intrepid commentists. My penis and I thank you all very much! Enjoy!

***

For those of you prudes that don’t like cheesecake or beefcake, click HERE to skip to the music videos.

Here are your Top 11 pictures of the week.

h/t Mr. Ayo
h/t Mr. Ayo
h/t Mr. Ayo
h/t Horatio
h/t Brocky
h/t Brocky (Balls’ Pic O’ Da Week!)
h/t Brocky
h/t Brocky
h/t Brocky
h/t RTD
h/t Brocky

***

YOU’RE-A-PRUDE

***

And now, for the music!

As I mentioned before, I’ve decided that I must take up the mantle that tWBS ran with and help to make this world a better place. I will do this in the one way he couldn’t: By introducing you to good music!

This week, instead of songs, I’m playing for you six of my favourite Sgt. Ducky videos. I think one of you guys posted one here and that’s how I got introduced to them. Anyway, he’s a funny motherducker. Enjoy!

Song Number One:

Canción Número Dos:

Chanson Numéro Trois:

Canzone numero quattro:

Canção número cinco

Seigarren zenbakia:

***

That’s all for this week, folks! Be good to each other and fly low and avoid the radar.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

We started watching Dune around 6 tonight, and I just finished it. Between a 5 and 8 year old’s attention span, a surprisingly neurotic dog, dinner, occasionally technical difficulties and endless pauses, this is the best adaptation of source material to a movie I can recall in some time. Way to give me #content hope!

Unlike MAHKY MAHK apparently going to be Victor Sullivan in the Uncharted movie. That’s my fucking nightmare.

3
Dunstan

Cool. I’ve been meaning to check that out.

0
SonOfSpam

Tell me more about the dog!

Also, gonna watch it at some point this weekend.

0
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

She ate a jack-o’-lantern nose, among other pumpkin parts, and we were worried she’d be pooping everywhere based on how she was acting. NOT THE CASE after two panicked acting walks. Now fast asleep.

1
yeah right

Ola meus lindos amigos!

As of tomorrow, the countdown is less than 7 years.

Yes my dear people I am 6 full bones tomorrow. The full 60 bucks.

Sixty goddamn laps and counting.

So how does our resident food guru celebrate his 60º aniversário?

Dinner with my two beautiful daughters at a Michelin starred Dining establishment in Hollywood.

I mean?

Limo service is at 4:15 dinner at 5:15 PM.

I taught both of the right offspring how to appreciate real cuisine. Now theoretically they’re taking me out for my birthday.

Got a real life tip for everyone: If someone offers to pay for your dinner on your birthday, say “OK.”

I have paid for every damn tab for these the girls their whole lives. I sure as Hell won’t say no to them picking up the tab.

Give one of those “I Mean this but I really don’t” reaches towards the bill and if they say “No. I got this.”

Let them have that.

Truth.

Last edited 4 years ago by yeah right
9
Dunstan

I generally don’t give a damn about birthdays, but once in a while, you have to take a day for yourself.

(SoCal DFOers, or those willing to travel, should keep August 2023 free for my 50th….)

Happy 60th!

Are you going to Providence? I’ve only been once, years ago, but it was very good.

2
SonOfSpam

Your 50th better feature hookers and blow or I won’t be there.

j/k the fuck do I have going on ever

1
BugEyedBoo

Five Guys cheeseburger off the hooker’s chest FTW.

2
SonOfSpam

omg just finished thinking about it

0
Gumbygirl

Or we can all run for the border

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0
BugEyedBoo

IIRC, combination burrito is still on the menu. Don’t need to squint for that.

0
Dunstan

I was thinking more about hiring a not-too-pricey 80s band, but sure, hookers and blow are an option too.

1
yeah right

White Snake cover band!

1
SonOfSpam

Ok hire Men At Work or Missing Persons

Again whatevs I’m there and will not bring hookers and blow because I’ve done neither just trying to seem like a big shot.

1
yeah right

Osteria Mozza.

Mostly for the house made burrata and prosciutto.

But they said there would be lamb chops!

3
Dunstan

That’s good, too!

If your limo wants to stop by Dunstan’s Cocktail Bar beforehand, I would happily toast your 60th.

1
yeah right

Keep me informed, because Yes, I’m in!

1
2Pack

means a lot to them, enjoy their pride in treating their Dad.

3
yeah right

Indeed!

Thanks, I have told but can’t begin to tell how much I love my daughters. It’s easily my most fulfilling life moment.

Major moments of doubt throughout the parenting thing, you hope, You really hope and then…

Not only do they turn out well adjusted and intelligent, they inherited your maniacal work ethic and holy fuck, both of them are dominating real life. I’m retiring and letting them take charge.

May the Lord have mercy on your souls.

They are amazing, and be prepared for at least one of them to own the world.

4
2Pack

I have two of mine own and know exactly what you are talking about Buddy.

1
BugEyedBoo

One moment my daughter will do something, and I think, “I can’t believe we’ve raised such an awesome person.” Then she drags her phone out to add 21 and 16 and I know I’ve failed as a parent.

3
2Pack

we cant win em all…

0
yeah right

It’s a long game. Long, my friend.

You really can’t get a true assessment until their in their 30’s. Sometimes late 30’s.

1
BugEyedBoo

Eh, she’s a good kid. She’s just convinced she knows everything, which is annoying to those of us who actually know everything.

1
yeah right

I wish I could tell you that that would change,

but I wouldn’t be sincere.

0
SonOfSpam

HAPPY
MOTHERFUCKING
BIRTHDAY
MY FRIEND

Proud to know you and the world is a better place with you in it.

6
yeah right

Love you too my brother. Damn glad to meet you. Also really glad we’re getting rain to put an early end to fire season.

If you live in LA it’s best if you surround yourself with freeways and concrete.

1
BugEyedBoo

Welcome to the old fart club. I turned 60 in July, so I guess I’m always gonna be older than you until I shuffle off this mortal coil. How the fuck did this happen, anyway?

Good on the daughters for take you out for dinner. My daughter should have done that, but we’re paying her more allowance than I get in allowance. I guess that’s what princesses are for.

Anyway, condolences, and grats!

5
Gumbygirl

I turned 61 last month, so I can boss you and Yeah Right around!

4
BugEyedBoo

You’re going to have to get in line behind the wife, boss, daughter, dog, cat, and mother-in-law.

0
Gumbygirl

Happy Birthday to you, my darling dear! You are my favorite. Don’t tell the others.

bday-529.gif
5
SonOfSpam

HEY

It’s ok, he’s our favorite too.

2
yeah right

I am so damn glad you found our little weird corner of the internet. You’re a real gem, a true Doll!

The Cats Pajamas!

23 Skiddoo!

You’re the best Gumbygirl.

Thank you.

2
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Happy West Coast birthday my brother!

1
rockingdog

That’s ROCKING!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Which restaurant?

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

N/M saw below.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ok, Black Widow was pretty cool, but why wouldn’t she have told any of her fellow avengers about how she saved all these girls?

1
Anthony In TX

Here to report the new Parquet Courts is really good.
Of course, if you’re familiar with PC, you probably already knew or assumed that.

https://youtu.be/0R7wpcw1Z4A

1
SonOfSpam

Yeah, this is a quality band. And nothing to do with the Celtics, so that’s good.

0
Dunstan

I haven’t seen Brick around lately. Did he leave us?

0
SonOfSpam

He’s producing a submarine movie with supergay subtext called The Seamen And The Hard Metal Tube.

1
Dunstan

Ah well, then I guess I’ll just use this now:

THIS GUY MY DAD WENT HUNTING WITH, I CALL HIM BRICK MEATHOOK, BECAUSE HE JUST KILLED A MOOSE

0
Dunstan

(I have nothing against Brick, the hunting part is true and I’m just taking the opportunity to make a lame joke.)

1
SonOfSpam

Likewise, I make fun because it’s my vocation.

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

Wow, that’s some major dick-self-shooting by CO State up in Merlin Olsen Stadium this evening.

0
2Pack

Stepping on yer dick is a legacy remark I’d like to see make a comeback. The Nam vets who raised me used it all of the time. Their enhanced version of it was; stepping on yer dick with jungle boots.

Last edited 4 years ago by 2Pack
1
SonOfSpam

Nam vets are good for more than just accepting change in front of McDonald’s.

I like to imagine dickstepping done via Irish dancing, because it’s the only way I can get hard without farm animals. Good thing I’m just imagining typing this.

2
Dunstan

This is one of those times when I feel sorry for the FBI agents tasked with monitoring DFO.

2
SonOfSpam

Yeah we have a tough job,

1
blaxabbath

Arizona gonna collapse and remain winless. And will be crushed.

0
SonOfSpam

Is this a Sinema thing? Because she sucks hard.

0
blaxabbath

CATS

0
SonOfSpam

Ah some jellicle shit. Carry on.

0
WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKNbAKJCci0&ab_channel=BritIronRebel

I could use one right now.

0
SonOfSpam

Sorry buddy. Even if it’s right, it’s rough. But you’re among (fucked up) friends here.

1
SonOfSpam

Also, my personal favorite cigarette song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdI-l5aTEaM

0
Dunstan

I’m smoking a cigar on your behalf if that helps.

Well, it helps me, anyway.

0
WCS

Apparently, (soon-to-be-ex) wifey is filing for divorce. I love yinz. I’m still sober, and, I’m not going to do anything crezzy. I’m just eating a shit load of nachos, and listening to a lot of Bob Dylan.

Love yinz.

5
Dunstan

Sorry if this double posts:

Sorry? Or not? Is this an unwelcome or unexpected development?

In any event, I’m here to drink on your behalf.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shit I’m so sorry man

2
WCS

comment image

0
Gumbygirl

Hoo boy. We are here for you.

3
blaxabbath

Huh.

I thought women liked guys with senses of humor.

1
2Pack

Sorry friend, try some of this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFyGuuJJfKU

0
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Fuck, dude. I’m so sorry.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oof. Sorry, friend.

0
Dunstan

Current mood: Gordon Lightfoot, with a touch of Jim Croce

2
Dunstan

Sounds like the Witch of November came early for you.

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

So, stoned cabbie crashes his cab into a Great Lakes iron ore hauler?

1
Dunstan

Stoned cabbie? That sounds more Harry Chapin

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

Dang, man, you are correct! Well, stoned commenter here, so it fits.

2
Dunstan

I know my 70s singer-songwriter dudes with bad relationships.

1
SonOfSpam

Harry Chapin was another fucking great one.

The “I was a not great dad” song STILL stings like a bitch.

1
Dunstan

Yeah, a lot of people dismiss him as maudlin and cheesy, but I actually like him a lot.

“Flowers Are Red” is an unappreciated gem.

1
SonOfSpam

No he was a for real artist, and dismissing him is stupid and stupid.

I will check out that song, thankee sai.

0
SonOfSpam

You better take care if I find you been creepin round my back stair

Unless you have booze.

1
Dunstan

In which case you’ll invite me in and we’ll listen to Old Dan’s records?

1
SonOfSpam

I mean, obviously.

YACHT ROCK 4 LYFE

2
Doktor Zymm

https://youtu.be/rrOE-m7sX9E

0
Dunstan

I saw Parachuting Beaver open for Duran Duran back in the 80s.

1
Dunstan

Good evening fellow degenerates…

1
Senor Weaselo

Well, it’s the equal of two evils but Alex Cora was the ringleader (which people forget) so fuck him. Once again, go NL.
https://youtu.be/Avo7ebkWXDI

4
Gumbygirl

I thought it was just squirrels on the roof. Thank God for Dr. Mayanja!

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1
Doktor Zymm

Pfft, no way he can keep me from loitering

1
Gumbygirl

The catching thieves to eat grass one has me hella confuse.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Time to watch Black Widow. Peace.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Enjoy! I did not feel like the time I spent watching it was wasted time.

0
Anthony In TX

I enjoyed it!
It wasn’t great! It was a good Marvel movie!
It doesn’t really add anything to the MCU, but it’s fun.

0
Mr. Ayo

Good night Boston.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

FACK YOU

/actually I don’t give a shit

1
SonOfSpam

It’s cool that cheaters never prosper and karma’s a bitch and all those other things we tell ourselves that aren’t even remotely true because God doesn’t exist or is just an asshole.

3
King Hippo

I mean, when the Massholes are the alternative? Bang a trashcan in celebration!

2
King Hippo

Surely Blax’ Boiz will be sexier??

0
SonOfSpam

Fingers motherfucking crossed!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RIKKI: “Siri, who leads the postseason in RBIs?”

SIRI: “Andy Reid leads the baseball postseason in ribs, as he has every season since 1995.”

Last edited 4 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
4
SonOfSpam

Ribs Breathed In

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Based on those first few pitches by Houck I’m predicting the Astros score 4 runs this inning.

0
Anthony In TX

At 42 years of age, I made a milkshake for the first time.
No, that’s not any sort of achievement. It was ice cream and milk in a blender. But it was fucking delicious and I wanted to tell someone about it.
You, my imaginary internet friends, are that someone.

9
Don T

With no bourbon or nothing? Just checking.

4
Anthony In TX

Nah, Mrs. In TX is sober, so unfortunately we can’t have any of the good stuff in the house.
I trust her, but even though she’s been sober for several years, she still doesn’t fully trust herself and it’s best not to tempt fate.
Whoa, that was heavy. Uhhh… dick joke!

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

You do you, we got all types around here. As long as they’re pro-dick joke and anti-pants, s’all good.

3
Anthony In TX

I’m definitely deeply pro-dick joke and very much anti-pants.
Mama, I’m home!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He actually meant “dick joke pros” and hey DFO when is my paycheck going to show up?

1
SonOfSpam

Proud of you and her for real.

/dick joke

1
Anthony In TX

Thank you.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think the moral of the ALCS is that the Red Sox just didn’t want to cheat as badly as the Astros did. I mean they cheated with the best of them in Games 2 and 3, but at the end of the day their commitment to cheating just wasn’t there when they needed it to be. Whereas the Astros didn’t let up on their cheating from the very first pitch – they just kept on cheating and didn’t let the rules slow them down *at all*. They truly are an inspiration to anyone who wants to cheat at baseball.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I just gave ice cream recommendations to the couple one table over while dining outside.

My work is done.

2
Don T

comment image

4
Mr. Ayo

*laughs in spanish*

3
Dunstan

How do you say “I’m gonna make $10,000” in Spanish? –Several million Texans

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

That Roman hair restoration thing that Snoop was pimping a while back doesn’t seem to work for him.

0
Doktor Zymm

He should talk to Urlacher, or “Hairlacher” as a billboard near O’Hare proclaims him to be. I bet shilling hair product is all those two have in common, it would be fun to listen to them chat

0
rockingdog

Found a funny;

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

STOP SWINGING AT BAD PITCHES YOU STUPID CHOWDERHEADS!

I swear, if they simply didn’t swing at any pitches at all tonight they’d have about six walks by now.

0
Mr. Ayo

Doktor Zymm had the dirt!

https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/tech-news/facebook-knew-radicalized-users-rcna3581

Last edited 4 years ago by Mr. Ayo
1
Anthony In TX

I can’t imagine this comes as any sort of surprise to anyone with critical thinking skills. Social media can be great and informative, but it can also be poison.
It’s best to stick with football-and-dick-joke sites.

3
Mr. Ayo

Wait, how much is internet dad making off this site?

1
rockingdog

LoL

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7
Gumbygirl

Aren’t we the Tits Group? Except for Zymm, Petronel, and me- we are the Tits alternative.

Last edited 4 years ago by Gumbygirl
1
blaxabbath

Oh petronel?

That always sounded like an alcoholic educated boys name.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Red Sox pitcher puts runners on 2nd and 3rd with nobody out, then proceeds to strike out the next three batters. That’s good pitchin’!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh wait, not quite the next three batters – struck out two, intentionally walked a guy, then struck out the next.

0
Mr. Ayo

Yes, we were already quite aware that this is the darkest timeline.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Red Sox are swinging (and missing) at so many balls.

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

The players can schedule their tee times tomorrow.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How long before this broker Carl in the Charles Schwab commercials goes all Patrick Bateman on some of those smug assholes fucking with his livelihood?

0
Mr. Ayo

Do I need to read all six books before seeing Dune?

Followup, can all six be read in 2 weeks?

Finally, can I just read them after watching the movie and be fine?

1
herodotus450

Sure you could watch it without reading all the books, and previous movies, and all of my own fan fic extended universes additions INCLUDING the weird ones, but we’ll know if you don’t. We’ll know.

2
Mr. Ayo

I’ve already been judged I see.

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

I read the first couple books when I was in HS 45 yrs ago. Would recommend watching first and then decided whether you want to read. You only have so many days left on the planet.

1
Mr. Ayo

This is a bit more bleak than I expected.

But still helpful.

Eat Arby’s.

2
Don T

All that’s required is quality narcotics

1
Don T

Maaan!

0
Anthony In TX

I tried to read the first book and couldn’t finish it. The dialogue was awful.
I get that it’s an expansive, influential work and all that. But I hated it.
I’m waiting for someone to make a faithful Hyperion adaptation.

2
Mr. Ayo

Shit, I already paid for all six.

1
Dunstan

I re-read the first book last year and mostly liked it.

Tried the second and found it very meh.

Got partway through the third and gave up.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

What a fucking week

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Tell me about it.

0
SonOfSpam

Can always spot the newlyweds because they still have “fucking weeks” while the rest of us have “fucking minute portions”

5
Brocky

I broke a printer, nearly set my office of fire, and halfway through new employee orientation I realized my shirt was inside out.

And that was just monday!

5
Gumbygirl

You need to show them who you are, right from the beginning!

0
Doktor Zymm

I have a massage appointment in 45 minutes and I am 100% going to fall asleep on the table, even though it is deep tissue and my shoulders are a mess

3
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I miss massages

0
yeah right

Tell me about it.

0
Mr. Ayo

Settle down Mr. Kraft.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I miss Kraft.” – Andy Reid, two hours after having sworn off American cheese

5
Doktor Zymm

Yeah, I don’t mind cutting my own hair, but foam rolling just doesn’t cut it. I went back to massages even before I was vaccinated. Wearing a N95 is actually pretty comfy with those face ring things

2
King Hippo

UConn FITBAW – not particularly sexy

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

I was trying to think of something nice to say.

0
Mr. Ayo

*updates Tinder profile bio*

1
Mr. Ayo

Is it problematic that I don’t remember posting any of the pictures attributed to me?

OR, am I just lucky that I get to see them for the first time twice?

4
ballsofsteelandfury

To be fair, these are a month old. I’m running behind on the updates. I may need to increase the number of pics per post back up to 25.

0
Mr. Ayo

That makes more sense.

I’ll fill back up the hopper soon enough.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’m the same way whenever I watch any footage of my fifteen seasons of playing in the NFL.” – Trent Green

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

So, it seems that the AP and Coaches polls show my ultimate alma mater UTSA ranked 24 and 25 respectively. I don’t think they have ever been ranked since the FB program started. Beep Beep! Though I know they won’t stay on that list for long.

1
Anthony In TX

Hey, my niece goes to UTSA!
They’ve been awesome this season and have been kind of adopted as a favorite team among the Split Zone Duo guys.

0
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