Look, I have given up on human society. It just gets worse by the day. Retreat into the only consistently (well, mostly consistent) good thing in life, sportsball! I also heard the best cover ever on the radio this week, just edging out my previous shempion (“Mrs. Robinson” by The Lemonheads):
Who’s ready for some Premiership? Another fucking international break next week UGH.
I mean, the Manchester Derby is worth waking up fer. But good news! Our daylight saving time still legs England’s, so ain’t super early (8:30, NBCSN). Ole hasn’t often had to trade his cheshire cat grin for his Very Disappointed Dad face in this matchup…but that might change this season. Then again, Pep’s crew ain’t exactly in peak form, neither. Everybody say Wakey’s name thrice so he shows up!
The 10:00 window is likewise at 11:00 for us. Only Palace/Wolves are being broadcast (NBCSN), but one can stream Chelsea/Burnley or Bees/Trashbirds, depending on your personal masochism level.
Spotlight dance? Brighton and House of Saud FC (1:30, NBC)? Meh.
Three games at 9:00 on Sunday, led by New Manager Bump Spurs kicking the tar shit out of my Toffees (NBCSN). Leeds and Leicester (Peacock) looks better for the neutral. Will Fronk’s boys be a legitimate contender this season, in a fairly open Prem? Beating the Vile Redshite this Sunday would be quite the marker laid down (11:30, NBCSN).
JV pickins be slim as fuck. Feel free to nap.
Wake Forest (+2.5) at U*NC (Noon, ABC)
I hate previewing these monkeyfuckers, but Hippo needs a Deacs win badly. State goes to Winston-Salem next week, and they need them at full Billy Big Bollocks for my Shitty Wolves to have any shot whatsoever. This is a non-conference game, because 2020s.
Ohio State (-14.5) at Nebraska (Noon, Fox)
Yes, the options were shite, but even so…the dross that Fox national picked. I guess this could be a banana skin? Scott Frost is 100% a ded man walking, even if he pulls a shocker here. MOAR LIEK all in teh stink imo.
Kansas State (-24.5) at Kansas (Noon, FS1)
Yes, that’s really the spread. Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl, chuh chuh.
Michigan State (-3) at Purdue (3:30, ABC)
Now this? THIS is a legitimate banana skin fixture. Sparty is high as high can be, and they do NOT have the overwhelming personnel advantages of a tOSU or Okiehoma. Buyer beware.
Auburn (+4.5) at Texas A&M (3:30, CBS)
Second position in the SEC West? It just means MOAR obvs. But shit, at least we get a match between two half-decent squadrons.
Mississippi State (+4.5) at Arkansas (4:00, SECN)
Look, if you can’t get interested in Dread Pirate Mike Leach’s Cowbells against Jerral’s Pig Sooey bunch? Just go down the tracks already, quit playing for attention.
I’d like to say it gets better tonight, but…no. Sorry for lying earlier, this is the most consistent goodness:
Imma bout to adopt this dog. S/he will be pampered forever. Such a voice. Mike Patton weeps.
That means imma steal. We can sing forever!
Love knowing that Greene will only advance so far up the right wing ladder due to her butterface. Boebert, on the other hand, will thrive because people want to cum between her (fake) tits. Politics is so sophisticated.
Personal Foul, hurt feels, defense!
Hong Kong milk tea ice cream is yummy
purdue actually the best team in the big ten?
“What is the College Football’s excuse for putting MSU at #5 and keeping UC at #6 (assuming they win), and for the love of God, Aaron, either wear a mask or keep your distance!?”
Pretty sure even when he’s cleared, distance from him won’t be an issue. Folks will get closer to Superfund sites willingly.
It’s like 3 stooges at this point.
3rd and 33? JV NFL BLITZ!
Two ACC teams, Wake and UNC, played, but it doesnt count as an ACC game? WEIRD.
Did y’all guess that Hippo’s only successful bet of the day was $40 on the Holes (at 48-34 down), at +475? It was a pure jinx bet, and I am still angry as fuck to have won it.
Off to being angry at my Wolven Sort now.
FUCK ALL THE THINGS.
How the shit does that make sense?
They are in opposite divisions, so they don’t get matched up by the League often (NC State is U*NC’s “designated rival” – Wake’s is Duke). But it’s allowed to schedule a conference foe on your own volition (State and Duke have discussed doing the same).
Well that does it for Wake Forest
It begins
That was a no-brainer. Much like him.
Sounds like Rodgers might actually need some discounts soon, since his double-checks are gonna be halved.
/Yes, I do hate myself for this pun. Thank you for asking.
Can we just get this shitshow going? I’m already wound up; just cut to the part where they break my soul again so I can throw up and be done with it.
Illinois: 2-0 vs. Top 25 teams, 2-6 against everyone else. Well done.
BERT gonna BERT
Ohio State receiver: has 15 catches for hundreds of yards.
Nebraska defense: Maybe he’s tired, let’s not cover him.
Pretty sure I just saw a Bonesaws supporter wearing a Saudi Arabian flag like a cape.
You sure it wasn’t someone’s skin?
Blake Bortles is still a thing‽ oh the timeline darkens!
He’s like a stubborn case of the clap, just can’t get rid.
He’s J Love’s backup. I must to cry.
The NFL’S commitment to recycling is worthy of admiration.
“Just another example of the NFL caving to the liberal woke mob.” – Aaron Rodgers
Hee hee, tOSU got called for illegal block in the Black. I mean, THANKS OBAMA!!!1111
Woke Forest teaching Upper Calalacky a few things.
raises fist
Gumby and I are in the very early stages of house hunting. It’s going to have to be a condo, because poor+ California. We’re going to go take a ride today and scope out a few likely spots. I won’t be home until much later, enjoy the jayvee’s!
Given the good sir Gumby’s health status, a condo is probably a better option anyways. Having to deal with external house stuff is a pain in the ass.
Been doing this 23 and Me DNA thing for awhile and I got a message yesterday from someone who said she might be a cousin. Turns out her grandmother and my great grandmother were sisters. Both named Kennedy and both from Ireland. I finally found someone who might give me more intel on my Irish roots.
Pretty cool.
Can’t wait to see your boiled seaweed recipe in a future Sunday Gravy post.
Needs more potatoes, 8/10.
Everybody has Sunday Gravey on their mind. Serious nod to you sir. On that note, I got an idea too. As admin I think you have access to my email. Drop me a note and I’ll run it by you.
Found you! Message sent.
WCS gonna watch the West Virginia game on one of those projector tv’s. The screen will be the bare backs of Norwegian supermodels flown in specifically for this purpose. Minke whale sushi will be consumed afterwards, as per his new demands.
Wonderful to see a fellow Hello! fan. Look how well they captured Dakota Jeebus
Vancouver, end of January Canada v USA in futbol. Any one want to meet me there? (I will be there)
I kinda do.
Pitt/Duke is entertaining-two long bombs, a kickoff return and a long-ish qb scramble for scores.
I just burped and farted at the same time.
My stupid ex-girlfriend always said I’d never amount to anything. Well who’s laughing now, Georgina? Huh? WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?
Everyone in the [DFO] clubhouse who just witnessed that.
You dated a 65+ aunt? ‘Cause that’s all the Georgiona’s I’ve met.
Not kink shaming at all. I myself have a thing for Shalimar with Purina overtones.
You ain’t lying. Had an aunt Georgiana.
Been stone dead going on 20 some years now. She had a thing for a cold Olympia in the ring top cans.
My mom loved Shalimar! I thought it was gross, but perfume is a very subjective thing.
Her name was Georgina Ruth. Her sisters were Serena Sylvia and Diana Louisa. Her parents were AWFUL at naming children.
Speaking of Wake Forest, how on EARTH does a honky get that wide open deep?
He was only 48. He had a court date in a week, but claimed he was too sick for the trial to start. Turns out he was telling the truth!
First (and last) time for eveything.
There be a kid on UNC that goes by the name of Storm Duck.
USE YOUR ASTERISK KEY
Sorry, Storm *uck.
“That’s 7torm.” -Young Kaepernick
We have crossed the Rubicon in Lincoln – Gus Johnson sounds bored.
So…<i>next</i> week is infrastructure week, right? Cause I don’t think I could handle another week like this last one we just had.
It’s a hard row to hoe, being in a coalition party. I am coalition-y by nature, but the constant cat herding/dysfunction gets on my tits.
Our Serbian talisman again!!!!!
Okay, Cincinnati showed up for Gameday and was pretty good.
Here’s hoping the team doesn’t lay an egg.
Point of Clubhouse Order – will WCS be able to grant us all Knighthood after he becomes royalty in a few months?
Only if you show up like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwKoXRQ6BRc&ab_channel=T-101
More importantly: You guys need a string quartet?
WCS will be be too busy sailing to The Maldives in his pangolin-skin yacht, sipping The Macallan Select Reserve 1946 smoothies the entire way.
This is superb work scotchy
Fancy schmancy!
Zymm and I can be Dames. Calling us Ladies might be a bridge too far!
oh, that’s GOOD HUSTLE
/sez Sir Hippo of Opium
Jonkopings Sodra needs to justify my GAMBLOR love. AND RIGHT SOON.
Sweden?
Yep. GAMBLOR with the Super-eeeeee-tan, first it steals your mind and then it steals your sooooouuuuuullll
Rodgers: “I’m allergic to two of the vaccines. But I follow all the protocols except for press conferences.”
I’m calling bullshit. If he would’ve said that from the start and say that’s why he hesitant to take the 3rd vaccine, but he’s still following the non-vaccinated protocols, this would be perfectly fine. Even his getting COVID-positive would be nothing.
But he lied! He didn’t wear a mask in the press conference, endangering everyone there. I don’t recall ever seeing him wear one on the sidelines when he wasn’t playing, eating or getting medical treatment, so he lied again. The NFL won’t suspend him for the year, but they have to sit him for four games.
Kaepernick got banned for taking a knee during the National Anthem. Reckless endangerment should be worth a couple of games.
NARRATOR: “Aaron Rodgers only got fined $12K and was back on the sidelines bare-assed face as soon as he tested negative.”
My guess is he turned Q-curious the second he was warned “your friends and family might all turn their backs on you.”
Joe Kelly, meanwhile, got eight games.
Remember how I said the Raiders PR team must have been drinking champagne over Aaron Rodgers stealing the spotlight?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly right now (artist’s conception):
Famous Movie Scene: Good Will Hunting “It’s Not Your Fault” HD – YouTube
Whew, ain’t nobody talkin’ about my creeper ass! – Urban M., Jacksonville, FL
Who said moving to Vegas was a bad idea?
…oh. everyone? Huh.
Can’t wait for Cousinfuckers to completely shit themselves against the T. Boones, while I desperately try to explain to Princess Fiancee why I still bother wasting my time, energy, and emotions on these guys.
That is actually a very good question.
Escapism from life gents. More emotion than the droning on at our employs, the occasional trip to see said team for even more escapism, that and our dick joke website would be nothing without sports.
Oh, I get that, but college football???
There are way better sports to watch.
“AND TO GAMBLE ON” – K. Hippo
JV NFL is really quite fun. It’s just run by a bunch of fuckheads that make Ginger Hammer look like the second coming of Christ…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6ueThSCIr4&ab_channel=FelixMelange
Way to bury the lede, you sly dog.
Congratulations, I guess.
Oh, he’s burying SOMETHING!
[looks up from the 3’x6′ hole he is digging] – scotchnaut
Oh I found a good stream for Mighty Whitey!
The David Duke Channel?
Weird that OANN is broadcasting Fulham.
That’s the Tighty Whitey Network.
There were lots of great Mighty Whitey streams available in the Cape Colony prior to 1994! Oh, those were the days…
Sir, we have 80 percent possession of their territory yet we can’t get over the top.
Apparently there is some debate over whether State Farm should cut ties with Aaron Rodgers. Given that they provide life insurance, and he is encouraging behavior that will cause a lot of these policies to get paid out before term, which will literally COST THEM LOTS OF MONEY, it seems like a no-brainer to me.
Like a Deep State betacuck
State Farm is Q-there!
If they fire him, I will switch to their insurance/ scam. Geico is skating on very thin ice with me right now.
Just bet on a clean sheet for Chelsea, so enjoy the hat trick by Tarkowski or some fuckawful thing.
NEVER BET ON ANY LONDON TEAMS BUT OUR WEE ONES.
Fuck the Tenants, Spurs, whatever the hell Cecil calls the Gunners. (The Beez, and QPR can get fucked too)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn9E5i7l-Eg
That disappointing squadron is presently known as the King’s African Water Pistols! However, if the conquest against those troublesome moose-hornets is successful tomorrow, then their original name may need to come into use once again!
They continue to win as I continue to bet against them each week in the DFO pool. I shall continue to wager several quid against them until the end of the season. True, this strategem may force me to marry some American lass, eager to enhance her nouveau rich families reputation by sharing my sordid title, in order to save the ancestral estate, but should it return my favoured club to it’s rightful place amongst the champions of Europe, it shall have been worth it.
Godspeed as they are my least hated of the squadrons of largesse in Old Blighty.
My sleep cycle is just so very borken. Asleep from 7-11 last night, then for the Manc Derby. Don’t seem like I missed very much, though.
Everyone should read this, and then never go anywhere near a crowd ever again:
https://www.reddit.com/r/worldnews/comments/3pcvfb/comment/cw5vxtm/
I have 2 futbol matches this week, one tomorrow which will have 2k, and then one on Friday which will have 40k and you choose to share this. Been a good run folks, if I go, I want to be in a futbol riot.
I wonder if they make rigid vest type things that would help avoid asphyxiation. I’m thinking basically just a box-type exoskeleton that fits around your ribcage.
Built in Camelback for smuggled booze. I think we are on to something here chief.
“I got one of those.” -Tornado, Robot Wars Series 6 Champion
Just looking at photos of the Hajj. Terrifying.
Watched “For Madmen Only” on the Hulu last night. It’s about Del Close from the Second City Theater. Fascinating.
I watched my YamFC beat Balls’ Toluca who at one point had their own website as a shirt sponsor.
That’s meta as shit.
– M. Zuckerberg
Looks like a lovely day in Manchester.
Everyone in the banner photo is doing tremendous work, but holy shit. Look at the elevation on the blonde at the far left!
Kevin the Broom sighting!
The time changes need to happen globally at the same time. This 6:30 am shit is too late for the appetizer.
Oh dear…it looks like the Red Mercenaries are already on the back foot, thanks to the work of a French African. You can always rely on the French to defeat themselves!
Greetings, colleagues! I’m extremely excited for this contest between the Red and Blue Mercenaries of Manchester today. I am particularly interested in seeing what will happen to these managers should their team lose. If OGS is sacked, will he finally be able to pursue his lifelong dream of playing Smeagol in the next LOTR movie? If Pep is (inexplicably) sacked, will he take up his natural position as a cue ball on a snooker table? Time will tell, dear fellows!
Good day sir, any word on the spices my fiefdom had ordered? The Mighty Whites will need them today against Peter’s borough.
Good day, fellow White supporter! We razed the Zanzibar capital to the ground just over a fortnight ago. Expect a double order of cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger to arrive at your estate the day after tomorrow.
Fantastic our Slavic leader will be very pleased. It is never a good thing to get on the bad side of Serb barbarian.
Hipster chicks with good shoulders, eh?
https://youtube.com/watch?v=fvKa-Ll9Ers
Si, es verdad! Rocking the trackies no less!!