So, the Bowl matchups for what King Hippo affectionately calls JV Footy came out and I was perusing them and had some thoughts. Ergo Ipso Factum Testiculum, here we are.

There are a grand total of 44 (FORTY FOUR!) bowl games this year, so I am breaking them into pieces because I am lazy and you do not want to sit through 44 game previews/thoughts all at once. This is Part Quattro. Let’s get right to it:

Friday, December 31, 2021

TaxSlayer Gator Bowl in Jacksonville, FL

Wake Forest v Rutgers

11:00 AM Eastern, ESPN

This game starts at 8 AM Pacific and I’ll be in fucking dreamland.

I really enjoyed that season. I don’t know why people didn’t. Maybe it’s because I live in Los Angeles and that period of time in LA history fascinates me? Seriously, you want to go down a deep rabbit hole, that’s a good one to go down.

As for the game, Rutgers becomes the first team with a losing record to get into a bowl game since they made the rule that you had to be at least .500 to play in one. I assume Notre Dame used to get a bowl game even if they finished 3-6 against the Little Sisters of Mercy.

Tony The Tiger Sun Bowl in El Paso, TX

Washington State vs. Central Michigan

2:00 PM Eastern, CBS

This continues the trend of bowl games named after fictional people (Jimmy Kimmel is NOT his real name!). All I have to say is that I do enjoy when, during the commercial breaks, they would showcase the city of El Paso and try REALLY hard to avoid showing Ciudad Juárez.

Fun Fact: The Liga MX team based in Ciudad Juárez is called the Bravos (Braves). Any suggestion that the team is linked to cartel money or that the team in Mazatlan is linked to cartel money is simply crazy talk. You’re so silly!

/receives a wad of pesos in numbered bank account in Mexicali.

As for the game, I’m assuming Washington State will win because the Pac 12 is 0-3 so far with one COVID cancellation and it would be too embarrassing for the league not to win one game.

Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl in Tucson, AZ

Doesn’t Matter v Who Cares

Never Eastern, ESPN

Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of assholes.

Blax will say that includes the town of Tucson, but I like the people there. The government is a bunch of idiots, but the people are nice.

THE SEMIFINALS

These are not real bowls so I’m not previewing them. You know who is playing and where and you know which “big name” bowls sold their souls to take part in this bullshit championship “playoff”.

Four teams is not a playoff.

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Outback Bowl in Tampa Bay, FL

Penn State v Arkansas

Noon Eastern, ESPN2

Now this is a bowl I can respect!

First off, LOVE the Aussie tie-in. Second, the last time I visited an Outback Steakhouse, I had a piece of chicken that was damn delicious. Plus, isn’t this where they have the Bloomin’ Onion?

BTW, if you want to get truly horrified or aroused, look up Blooming Onion on Urban Dictionary. I’ll wait.

I think the one thing I don’t like about Outback is that there is nothing really very AUSSIE about it. I mean, if they put avocado toast, flat whites, and a meat pie on the menu, that would do the trick for me.

As for the game, we’ve got pedophiles vs hillbillies. In this game, no one wins.

VRBO Citrus Bowl in Orlando, FL

Iowa v Kentucky

1:00 PM Eastern, ABC

WTF is VRBO?

/Googles VRBO

Is this some kind of off-brand Air-BNB? Like all the local governments got upset because the AirBNB people weren’t paying taxes and then they started pushing legislation to stop AirBNB and so someone got the bright idea to create VRBO because they figure, “They’ll NEVER see it coming!”?

Well, I think it worked because I haven’t seen any VRBO legislation and AirBNB has gotten hosed. BTW, I have used AirBNB once when I went to Hong Kong. I got a micro-apartment similar to the ones that you’ve probably seen on those YouTube videos that show how these poor people have these insane living conditions. It was $50 a night for an apartment smaller than your typical North American walk-in closet.

Looking back, I don’t regret the decision. I was pretty much out all day and there was no need for anything bigger and it was in a great location on Hong Kong island. Plus, the host was very nice and easy to work with. Overall it was a very nice experience!

Playstation Fiesta Bowl in Glendale, AZ

Notre Dame v Oklahoma State

1:00 PM Eastern, ESPN

Here’s what I don’t understand about the New Year’s Day games. Every other bowl game throughout the Bowl Season has its own timeslot. There is very little overlap to ensure the college football viewer (and gambler!) ample time to view every game.

WHY THE FUCK DO THEY HAVE THREE GAMES AT ESSENTIALLY THE SAME TIME ON NEW YEAR’S DAY????

It’s pretty crazy when you think about the fact that all three of those games are being aired on the same family of networks.

The Fiesta Bowl is one of the Big Bowls and it has a Big Sponsor to match. Too bad I don’t own a Playstation or any kind of gaming device. Yes, I’m old.

Rose Bowl Game presented by Capital One Venture X in Pasadena, CA

Ohio State v Utah

5:00 PM Eastern, ESPN

I have lived in the Greater Pasadena Area for darn near my whole life and I have never been to the Rose Bowl Game. I have been to the Rose Bowl plenty of times for UCLA games, concerts, 10K runs, youth soccer, and to play golf in the course that surrounds the stadium, but never for the actual New Year’s Day game.

Top Tip: If you want to see some hot ladies exercising, head over to the Rose Bowl in the early morning. That’s a very popular place for people to run laps and stay in shape.

I HAVE attended the Rose Bowl parade a few times. It’s very nice but it’s usually fucking cold! (Read 45 degrees F)

Allstate Sugar Bowl in New Orleans, LA

Ole Miss v Baylor

8:45 PM Eastern, ABC

This is usually the last bowl game I’ll watch during the bowl season. It always has the feeling of Sunday Night Football to me, if you know what I mean.

The football is nice but you have to go back to school/work soon and that’s just depressing and takes away from the enjoyment a bit, doesn’t it?

On the bright side, have you BEEN to New Orleans???

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

TaxAct Texas Bowl in Houton, TX

LSU v Kansas State

9:00 PM Eastern, ESPN

This is technically the last bowl before the Championship Game, but seriously what kind of asshole schedules this bowl at this time and date?

Like, do you really feel you’re so special that you need to be on, by yourself, in the middle of the fucking week, with a shitty pair of teams playing?