Let’s face it, Clubhouse footed ball enthusiasts. Most of our dreemz is ded already, but the beauty of Week One is we don’t know FOR CERTAIN or how they’ll go about dying. So, we giddy-up with NBC, USA, and Peacock Premium and WE FOOKIN’ RIDE again.
Friday Night Footy gave us a tasty opener between the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols and Rapidly Ascending Crystal Palace (managed by Arsenal legend Patrick Viera). But recaps are for tonight’s thread. Plus, I wrote this in advance.
Annoyingly, NBC is leaning heavily into Peacock, at least this weekend. Only the Horrifying Spotlight Dance (Everton getting pantsed at home by Chelski) is on broadcast teevee, and even that is USA, not full NBC (12:30). And dear GOD, are we gonna get humped. The only player approximating a striker that is healthy/not-suspended? Mystery box Dele Alli, playing a false nine. I’m not even really sure what a false nine is, I just know that’s not a very good situation. Comically angry German Thomas Tuchel will show no mercy. I mean, he’s still GERMAN.
Streaming morning starts with the Dirty Cuntbuckets also known as the Redshite hosting Litre’s Mighty Whitey. They might be leaving brown streaks in their tighty whities, anyway. Avert your eyes accordingly. The powers that be LOVE to get the Redshite off to a flying start, even more so than they like ballwashing Jurgen Klopp. UGH.
I would like to watch all the newly-promoted sides, but both the Cherries (home to Villa) and the Robins Hood (away to the Bonesaws) are in the 10:00 window. Boo. Leicester/Brentford is probably the best watch for the neutral, though it might just be a fox chasing a bumblebee in an open field. YMMV.
Sunday Funday is also Peacock-only, but the matchups improve. You get Men Untied hosting Brighton at 9:00, followed by the defending champs (City of Men) away to Fronk’s Hammers (11:30). All of these sides hve top half aspirations, at minimum – and play fairly watchable footy. Because I love a good car crash, I really want to see how toxic Old Trafford gets if the Trashbirds go one (or even TWO) up early. While Ronaldo pouts on the touchline. GOOD TIMES.
Slowly but surely, we are getting our beloved sportsball back. Eat shit, summer!
.
“Ok. I’ll take a pound.”
“Hubris, huh? Why do you have to bring the Jewish religion into this?”
-Fox News, pivoting
Biology term: Protein
Culinary term: Pork, Bacon, Beef, Tofu
Protein pushers are the Jehova’s Witnesses of nutrition.
All hail Fat.
Fat and protein together are pretty good though, I could go for a cheeseburger
“Me. Two.” – Coach Reid
“Dozen” — Coach Reid added.
looks down, pats stomach proudly
I’m going to do a Yahoo mock draft right now. My prediction on the grade? A C+ because I’m what you’d call ‘a reacher’. Stay tuned…
I got a “B” and was projected to finish 5th. (which is completely silly because it assumes there are no injuries and a waiver wire doesn’t exist)
Two in-game injuries, no strikers whatsoever, and still forced Chelski to be time-wasting cunts the entire 2nd half. Encouraging, with Onana seemingly done and dusted (possibly transforming signing).
Protein Supplier: (non-Urban Dictionary definition) “A person that specializes in selling beef, pork, poultry and seafood products.”
/I’ve got about a dozen of them because you have to play them off one another in order to get a competitive market price.
Yeah you gotta get all your all your protein suppliers together and work them into a frenzy until they’re right on the edge and then -boom- you hit them with 43 legalse pages of non-competes and promissory estoppel, and avoirdupois
Avoirdupois-is that the Canuck artist that sang “Sk8er Boi”?
Just like the dumpster behind Winners is my fabric supplier and the dark gap behind the dumpster behind Winners is my shame supplier.
“What market are you shopping at?” -Troy Barnes, Greendale, CO
I finally sorted oOt my Kids in the Hall rankings:
5. Inapplicable
4. Inapplicable
3. [INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK]
2. Dave Foley – The Ninja
2. Bruce McColluch – The Evil Genius
2. Mark McKinney – The Prodigy
1.1 Scott Thompson – The Scott Thompson
1. Kevin McDonald – The Funniest (YMMV)
Show your work, eh?
https://youtu.be/wPRmbnnDSk0
“Daddy drank for the government”. So Dark. So Funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Dxk67d0aLc&ab_channel=SketchiT
Kevin McDonald’s dad called him a ‘fag’, apparently.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLYJZ_qIRH0&ab_channel=DaveShorr
Pickford in mid-season dribbling form, I see.
One of my protein suppliers played MLS soccer in the ’90’s in Florida and has placed a massive bet on The Tots finishing 2nd to Man City this year. Yes, it’s only the first weekend but he’s looking good.
protein supplier?
You know, the guy he gets his protein shakes from.
You don’t have a protein guy? A fats lad and a carb gal too? How do you get your macronutrients, bro?
(protein supplier) = butcher + soy + (hipster beard)
The problem with that is they don’t have great squad depth, and most of their key players are going to Qatar. Could fade late.
But I think I picked them 2nd position, too.
Well, almost made to halftime, Hippo.
Almost.
I can’t recall if I took #SecondPill already, so better we safe and hit that shit again!
Seeing as I misspelled “be” – probably answered my own question.
Sometimes you just need that second one to get it hard right to the tip.
Curses to you, timezones, for making it slightly inappropriate to begin alcohol consumption right now!
You just need to identify as GMT when waking up.
THIS GUY speaks like a veteran drunkard!
Just have a mimosa, those are acceptable morning drinks. Oh and replace the OJ with beer or other mix and replace the champagne with beer or alcohol of choice
Cheerios and Baileys is delish.
You really DO want the wee man to nap, eh?
A Bloody Mary is a fantastic breakfast drink.
[sips beer] “Who said what now?”
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.” ― Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker’s Guide
Brought Decilitre to the pub while Mrs. Cola gets a haircut.
Good parentin
Coach Tommy there watching our Blues?
He is not. However there are more Toffees here than I thought.
Pretty sure we don’t use that word anymore. They prefer “dandies”.
First ded Toffee of the season, took almost TEN WHOLE MINUTES!
Finally got a copy of Dune to read. Kinda excited as I’ve never read it before. I hear it might get turned into a movie, so should be a good story
Well, I know what you’re doing for the next two months.
I offer up “Quiet Flows the Don” – it takes 3, minimum.
I started reading it and coffee did not help to hold my interest. Seek out meth, if bored.
I usually read before bed, so this bodes well for me falling asleep quickly.
Note that me falling asleep quickly is rarely an issue
Time for some disappointing!
Me, Other Hippo, Sleeping Kruger, and Beloved Pill Bottle, all stand at the ready.
Newcastle wins 2 – nil, maybe my bandwagon jumpin azz is on to something. Just game 1 = no?
Must read for barcode bandwagoners.
https://www.theringer.com/soccer/2022/8/5/23290338/newcastle-united-saudi-takeover-premier-league
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzsNh3-FnHQ
I only ride ’em man, I dont know nuthin about what makes ’em work…
Took thw boy with me to the dump this morning.
All it cost me was a donut but I still feel like I overpaid. White kids can’t work worth a damn.
Having raised three white chill’uns of my own, I can second your observation.
Spurs looked good today.
I now have my revenge ready when Chipotle messes up my order.
Found a funny;
Don’t really understand the HBO controversy. Then again I don’t subscribe to streaming services. I’ve been following the same bug after work for the past week. I place a cup over it when I need to “pause”
Was it gray with reddish wings? Because those are lanternflies, kill those on sight.
Senor in the Poconos last year: “Hey, check out this cool bug on the sign.”
Sign a little later on: “Kill these on sight.”
/Weaselos up to 2 confirmed kills. I spot, she snipes.
Never a bad day when Klopp and Slippy G combine to take a single point combined. Against newly promoted sides.
Kruger is ready for the match, even if Everton is woefully underprepared!
Asleep is deffo the best way to enjoy Everton at present.
This will help
https://youtu.be/DjsvqQUcqCs
Also, go Bees!
You should be watching the match with a knobkerrie and a pint of Large.
Here you go Hippo,
https://twitter.com/FootyAccums/status/1555915727168847874?s=20&t=GEjeNyTc4pPua5MG0fLQFg
Until recently, I had no idea I had peacock premium thanks to having to have Comcast at FOB Cape Cod. So at least I have all the footy now.
You can binge AP Bio now, too!
Oh right, I need to catch up on that show.
Well, it was a good 15 minutes whilst they lasted, Sham Town.
Anyone watching the Robins Hood? How they look?
They are just barely holding on. No calming presence in the midfield, and their West African centre back looks like he had a bit too much palm wine before the match. They’ll be lucky to get a draw.
We deffo need you to be elevated to authorship before the Slave LaboUr Cup in November.
Look who’s here! Welcome back, it’s good to see you are laser-focused on the footy,as usual
This week in Sounds Dirty BritSpeak – Up the Cherries
This is 100 percent the wrong taek. Sorry YR.
Scott Parker may look pretty, but he’s rough trade?
He thinks he is better and more accomplished than he really is. Fucking smug too.
If I hear”we lost by fine margins” again, I will snap.
Like that drill seargent said (was it FMJ or a different film?), he’s the kind who’d fuck you in the arse without the simple courtesy of a reach-around?
Let’s talk about relegation when the season is over, shall we?
Have a 2nd, will ya? And can’t wait for the right/Litre derbies
Lovely!
I have no idea about the team, but the city gave us Team Razer so it can’t be all bad.
What ever happened to Ronaldinho?
Being the life of a party somewhere
Fact check: ✅️
huh, Foxes/Bees got moved to tomorrow since my writeups. Guess I shall go with Cherries/Villa instead.
The Saudi Royal Family may have poured all of their petroleum pennies into those blinding barcodes, but they will soon find out that nobody can escape the wrath of WallStreetBets FC!
Up the Diamond Hand Apes!
How’s that for a first guess?
Wordle 413 2/6
🟩⬜🟩⬜🟨
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I honestly don’t know. How is it?
Ha! I start with raise and got it in 2 as well.
Well done. I started with chunk and got it in 4. It’s not a word that comes to mind easily.
Berlin Derby! Don’t mind if I do!
To the ESPN+!!
Nice point to start yer campaign, litre!
I will take it against them!!!
We are going to bottle this.
That’s what she said.
My word! I spent 400 shillings on the local witch doctor to ensure that the Whites would prevail against the troublesome Scousers, and now I see that Charles Darwin Nuñez has shown up to ruin my chance at glory! That meddling twerp should keep his nose in his books and stay away from sporting affairs! Good thing Marshall Tito sent his best man to the Whites to make things right! 2-1!
In other news, glory to the Water Pistols! The water pressure was just enough to break the ceiling of the Crystal Palace, resulting in happiness for all outside of South London. Since the squad seems to be recruiting more Brazilians every year, perhaps it’s time to become a bit more Brazilian myself and get into the rubber business. To Henry Ford — if you peruse these messages, do get in touch!
I appreciate your partiality to the Whites sir. I hope your colonization has gone well this summer.
Cecil’s back!!
That’s Uruguay international Charles Darwin Núñez 😁
MITROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I miss pre-Law and Order Ice Muthafuckin’ T:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGy5tp_CDU0
Yeah, but it makes for a good Mulaney bit!
Fuck, this Darwin Nunez cat looks like the goods.
Own goal. Fuck, fuck.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scILa5iPBcg
Jesus fuck. Hit the post, needed the spin to go in. Whites not lucky.
Whites can never catch a break obvs.
Dammit! Shoulda been 2.
Odds of that coming back to haunt? 99.99999999%
/summons ghost of Herman Cain
Yelled very loud. At least we have a house now.
My personal favoUrite footy chant is “Stick your Deadpool up your arse” which is what the others yelled at Wrexham last season.
I will always go with “Putin Huilo lalala”
White knuckles for 45.
Like when I forgot to pill up before a parent/teacher conference
Get to halftime with this lead.
Need coffee. Worked til 1 last night, up at 5.
Coffee? You need some BEAK, man!!
the face of a man who just heard his dealer got popped
MITROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I will not jinx this, stream stays on WIgan/Norwich.
Here we go Giordies… beat those Fordham guys…
/could care less – checking out the chicks
Greetings from the Lufthansa lounge in Frankfurt. I’m tired.
I know that place well. Pro tip – nawt a good place to crash. The German fuzz has no sense of humor.
Which is something one would never expect. Especially if a MoT.
I haven’t been here in years but was still worth the risk using a German shower
I’m kind of joking. For a big international it’s run better than most. I am boycotting Amsterdam those clowns lost my luggage the last 3 times I connected there. Plus it’s a maze of pain just moving around the place.
At least there are beers and pretzels!
HERE WE GO!!!! Caffeinated and ready to bang a16 penny nail in with my goddamn forehead. Let’s go Fulham!