TGIF! So long, work week and hello Dirt Superb Owl! Before that though, let’s learn how to escape an Ukraine war zone with the abandoned tank sitting over there.
Survival – Personal Edition
That’s right, it’s time to learn how to drive a tank!
- First thing, we need to get in the thing. Don’t try to do this on a moving tank. The left front on most tanks will have a step to get on the front of the tank. From there, locate the driver’s hatch in front of the turret. Open, secure, climb in, then close and lock the hatch. We don’t need any distractions from other stragglers.
- In the center of this small space will be a reclined chair. That’s for us! Hope in and adjust so you can see through the periscopes in front of you and so that you can reach all the controls.
- On the left will be a bunch of gauges. We only care about the fuel gauge. Make sure there’s enough to get somewhere. It will take about 10 gallons to start, and then require 2 gallons per mile from there.
- On the right will be a bunch of controls. We primarily care about the ones for starting the engine and turning on the fans. The fans are needed to replenish the oxygen supply in the driver’s area.
- In front of you are the driving controls and periscopes. A big handle bar for steering with throttle on the right hand grip, a gear selector on top of that, and a brake pedal on the floor. Just to the right of that should be the parking brake. The parking brake can be pulled out to engage, and then twisted and pushed in to release. Normal driving can be accomplished using the two side periscopes which should give you a 120 degree viewing angle out front. The center periscope is for driving straight in low visibility conditions.
- Alright, so let’s start this sucker up. Find the start switch and flick it to the “On” position to start the engine. Warm up the engine for at least 3 minutes.
- Now, release the parking brake, and move the gear selector knob to D for Drive. Twist the throttle back to increase speed, forward to slow down. Go slowly at first as handling a tank is a bit different than a car. Steer using the handle bar just like a bike.
- Finally, release the throttle grip and press the brake on the floor to bring her to a stop. Stop the engines by getting that start switch to “Off”. Make sure to reapply the parking brake.
There you have it! You can now drive a tank. That’s great hustle!
Click here to get to commenting
Survival – Species Edition
Time to put the sexy in Friday!
Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to what’s most important: Commenting and drinking!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAnPwbi4dDA
DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET): I love heist movies. Pretty much all of them.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: I’ll play the Rick and Morty heist episode, you’ll love it.
DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET): Oh, jeez, I’d love to but I have to go take a bath now.
lol 90’s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGNiXGX2nLU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1GxjzHm5us
It’s fun to watch this gif with the “right round” video playing.
Cheatin Astros cheatin still.
Fuck those jabronies.
The gang wins a game!
And once more, nobody’s run the full table yet.
This is only true if you ignore the Andy Reid incident.
Which, to be fair, is tough to relive.
Better than the time Britt Reid tried to beat Han Solo’s time for the Kessel Run.
They dance like those blow up things at car dealers.
https://twitter.com/TheRealOJ32/status/1586022987844661249?t=zyem-VkrgfMyX0WmAwt9jg&s=19
Fucking Astericks back to cheating when their backs are to the wall.
At least they got caught in a timely fashion this time.
What a chickenshit move, too. Robertson was in serious trouble and you have so little confidence in yourself that you resort to that. Pathetic.
I thought for a minute, holy shit Jamie Moyer is still pitching?
Robertson has absolutely lost it for the Phillies.
Hold up, now you need to download the app for the free taco? I don’t want to let people know I’m getting Taco Bell!
Who is checking your phone?
I’m afraid the Realmuto’s back is quite operational
But why is there an in-game interview, with a player, IN THE WORLD SERIES? Like, let them keep their focus.
Because Rob Manfred is an American Disgrace that hates baseball
Fucking ridiculous. Manager needs to tell the reporters to FOH.
Nick Castellanos just saved the game for the Phillies, so tell your relatives to stay indoors, because someone is dying soon.
“Tom Brady couldn’t save his marriage and in the end Giselle got a divorce… but Castellanos has saved this game!”
“They’re both Oilers fans!”
https://twitter.com/treyneufeld6/status/1586176157325852672
Listen man, there’s no accounting for taste
Ciao tutti. I’ve got her in an Ayo appropriate costume to help us hand out goodies.
mio Dio!
Oh, there it is!
Wait, this is just baseball, right? RIGHT!?!?
https://twitter.com/MLB/status/1586064479204167680
Depends on how excitedly the commentators say “two balls and one strike “.
.
Where did you find my thesis?
If that’s your thesis, I really want to read your dissertation.
You have an MBA*?
*Masters of Bare Ass
I DO!
He’s got an F.B.I. badge, too.
(Federal Butt Inspector)
Would have loved to be there for the oral examination.
Pfft. It’s not even a PowerPoint
Dad Boner is the best
https://twitter.com/DadBoner/status/1586119513816199168
Related, I am drinking beer and eating chips with guacamole
“Giselle ain’t that good looking. She’s aged into a man’s face with fake tits.” That’s what my friend Tracey’s father said.
Gonna go ahead and guess that Tracey’s Dad does not, in fact, have it goin’ on.
I constantly tell him he’s wrong but he doesn’t care
While I think that the Yankees ‘no beards or long hair’ policy is pretty goddamn dumb, I will say that if one of my players showed up looking like Jim Tomsula, like the Phillies hitter who just popped out, I’d tell them to either hit .340 with 35+ HRs or get busy with the clippers.
Minimum wage in baseball is $700K+. Trim your fucking beard, Weird Wars.
What’s the Yankees’ stance on sideburns?
I’m not even going to pretend you don’t have that gif locked and loaded.
I got ya
Don’t pander to WCS! He knew exactly where it was!
I drove an M113 while I was in the Army, but not as my MOS. I got to work at the Army’s Night Vision lab as a lab technician, and got to mess with stuff at the test range.
They should check Realmuto’s back. It might have been injured in that facial.
I was trying (and failing) to come up with a way to make Realmuto sound like Tua.
I’m JT Realmuto. I call this the FOUL TIP.
Welcome to jackass!
If I paid for seats behind home plate at the freaking World Series and some goddamn mascot came down and posed for pictures in front of me I can absolutely promise I would end the night in jail.
Because you would use a dog slobbered dildo on yourself and make the mascot watch?
Just because the Angels haven’t played meaningful baseball since July is no reason to take that tone with me, Sir.
They won just as many World Series as the Yankees this year.
The Yankees have won 7 in my lifetime.
In a related note, everything hurts when I wake up.
Does a dog slobbered dildo supplant a gently used fleshlight as the default prize now?
Honestly depends on the dog
If I was Verlander I’d be worried that Upton is looking at Guselle and getting ideas.
To be faaaaaaaiiiiiiiiirrrrrrr, I’ve looked at Giselle and gotten plenty of ideas.
I went over to my friend Tracey’s house to have drinks. Turns out her racist father is here. Ugh. He says such racist things. We’re watching the ballgame and he says “why do all these commercials just have negroes and retards in them?” Man, this guy is awful and I told him so. I’m only tolerating him so that maybe I can fuck his daughter tonight.
Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test
Ooh, ooh, is the test not calling in an airstrike on a wedding party?
So on Wednesday, the school that I work at was giving away flu shots and COVID boosters. I got both, being assured that this shouldn’t be too much of a shock to the system. Well guess who’s fucking deathly ill now!?!
(It’s me).
Yeah, I think I’ll be spreading those boosters out.
Related, I called to set up my physical this morning. They told me they couldn’t because the PA who saw me last year was leaving. Me: “Do you not have any doctors in the office?”
Anyway, I was told they’ll call me back.
I did flu and tetanus. Covid booster maybe in a few weeks when my superpowers wear off.
Got the flu jab a week ago, I’ll wait another for Covid. I had the last booster in March or so.
Well, that explains your ’90’s comment below.
/It was the vaccines talking!
You must have buttery muscles.
If it’s Friday, it means it’s Opiate Abuse Night!
During the week I take minimum doses and withstand the pain so that I can reward myself with fistfuls of pills on the weekend.
No telling what I’ll do tonight. Maybe I’ll post my new novel in its entirety with footnotes; maybe I’ll go drive on the freeway at high speed, indestructible.
King Hippo approves this message.
By 01:00, Brick will have purchased that truck.
Make sure to mount those cameras on your hot rod first.
If you survive, we’d love to see the footage. If not, we’d love to see the footage on TV.
Oh, and no offense with the “footage” usage. Not a pun.
Don’t do anything stupid until you hear an helicopter overhead, then go for it!
It is now 5-5. My price is rising, Philadelphia.
Breaking news: Verlander sucks in the Dirt Superb Owl. Again.
The announcers are doing him no favors waxing eloquent about how amazing it is that he’s doing this well at 39 after arm surgery.
Yes, because he’s (probably) on every kind of PED he can get. It’s not complicated.
Sadly, he’ll have to be comforted by his hundreds of millions of dollars and Kate Upton.
I’m sure he’ll pull through somehow.
And a couple of pillows!
I’ve always loved the Phillies*
*I have not, and said love will expire in about a week and a half.
I believe Wakezilla has achieved Brick-level satire.
So Mrs. Cornblower and I were just engaged in the sort of activity that married couples sometimes engage in when they have the goddamn house for themselves for once, and she announces that she had a surprise that involved certain items we’ve used before to enhance said activities but she hid it and now she can’t find it.
I can’t fucking wait for the dog to run out into the middle of the next gathering we have, shaking his new favorite toy vigorously back and forth. Gonna be great.
That’s gonna be hilarious when your dog walks in with a dwarf.
You son-of-a-bitch.
Do you have any idea how much beer hurts when it comes out your nose?
That is a goddamn QUALITY comment.
“I found an old doggy toy in the spare room closet!”
— Horatio’s six-year-old future grandchild
I would hope we’d have either cleaned those house and/or remodeled enough that Balls’s friend Rumplestiltskin would have turned up by then.
Yeah, but, let’s not kid ourselves and pretend either of those will actually happen first.
We’re supposed to have our kitchen redone and at the rate it’s going I’ll be retired before we get an estimate.
It’s really pissing me off.
Your dog wouldn’t just eat the weed?
More of a whiskey man.
Unfortunate, but hilarious at the same time
How much is that doggie in the window?
The one with the spiky two-headed dildo covered in habanera salsa?
Does anyone else here watch Derry Girls? Having actually been to Derry/Londonderry, I find it delightful.
I do. Is Season 3 out yet?
And yes, the series is delightful.
I had it sitting in my Netflix queue for a bit and never got around to it.
I started Season One, really liked it but never finished it. One of those second-tier shows that always seems to get buried under newer shows. But it is good.
On that note I finally got around to Season 2 of ‘Reservation Dogs’, and holy shit is that a good show.
I love that town. Rough as hell but such a good time. The tanks with the water cannons after the clubs let out was a nice touch.
Man, Jose Altuve just is not the same hitter when he doesn’t know what the pitcher’s going to throw next.
I inspired myself and made a Red Hook.
It’s sweeter than I remember, i think i need to cut back on the luxardo.
Kinda disappointed in this week’s sexy theme. With Jerry Lee Lewis now well on his way to Hell I figured we’d go with “Sexy Underage Cousins”
Talk about separating art from the artist: Lewis made (i.e., “stole from Black musicians), absolutely great music but Christ, what an asshole. When racism is one of your redeeming qualities you’re not doing great.
“Hard disagree.”
–The official Twitter motto and GOP platform
Some guy named Frank LeBoeuf on ESPN just predicted Canada to make the semis at the World Cup. I don’t know what drugs he’s on, but I want ALL OF THEM.
Frank LeBoeuf knows a guy.
I dunno, maybe you should just start with half of them.
I’m just saying if he’s predicting stuff like that, he’s operating at a level that most people aren’t ready to dive right into.
I am so sick right now, I want double what he’s taking
Just wait; somehow Qatar is going to land the World Cup of hockey next.
That’s what I’d call a “Cold Take”.
Is he the old midfielder for France? We will not make the knockout stage but it will be a fun ride.
When I turned on the game Houston was up 5-0. it is now 5-3.
Give me $2,000,000 Philadelphia, or I turn the game back off.
They owe it to us for wrecking the economy
https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2022-10-24/bad-omen-for-us-economy-phillies-winning-the-world-series
This guy gets it!
STAY ON TARGET
My Cheezies have arrived!
God Bless Paige
“Let’s turn the Paige.”
-her boyfriend, tired of doing the missionary
I love that her wikipedia page lists her as a social media personality first, golfer second
God Bless Halloween
Now that’s good costuming/cosplaying!
Jay-zeus
The 90s produced the greatest music ever. There. I said it. Come at me bro!
That is just a dreadful take. I’m not going to come at you, because a more fitting punishment is to just leave you wallowing in your wrongness.
Ozzy, Metallica, Nirvana, Foo Fighters, 2Pac, Biggie, Jay Z, Backstreet Boys and Linkin Park?
You name a genre, there was a GOAT alive making music.
Boom!
ABBA would like a word
Given how wrong you are, perhaps you should move to America, where that sort of thing is ignored/celebrated.
I thought Wakezilla lives in Florida? Is he erm, of the Northern persuasion? Lol, I’m talking about him like he’s not here!
He is ours, all ours!
I rarely give minuses, Sir, but you have earned this one.
Oh Jesus I don’t know where to start.
Minus 2!? Don’t Boo me, I’m right!
You’re lucky it’s that high, IMO.
In fact, here’s number 3.
/Green Day starts playing on a boom box in hell
Pre-American Idiot Green Day is the best Green Day.
“The Best Green Day” is a thing that doesn’t exist. smgdh…
The 80s have the 90s beat by sheer volume of great music. However, there was incredible music put out in the 90s.
Counterpoint: The 80s music isn’t as timeless.
Boom!
Isn’t as timeless? 80s music is sampled the most by electronic music artists.
There’s a reason for that.
Let me guess, Nerdvana is the greatest band ever and Courtney should be in prison for murder?
It’s not just Nirvana. There’s Foo Fighters, Metallica, 2Pac, Biggie, Backstreet Boys, Limp Bizkit, Garth Brooks…. You name the genre, the GOAT of that genre was cranking music.
Boom!
You name the genre, the GOAT of that genre was cranking music
Scott Joplin was cranking out the best ragtime music 1899-1917.
Boom!
/frantically looking up an opera joke
Limp Bizkit is crime against humanity roughly equivalent to genocide.
“Limp Bizkit had good ideas in the beginning (they made the quatrains run on time) and then they got sorta bad.”
-Wakezilla
Listen, there was some great music made in the nineties, but…most of that wasn’t it.
/Talking about 90’s music
RTD “Listen…”
Horatio. “I’m gonna stop you right there”
Gotta go with the aughts. The 18-aughts. Beethoven 1-6? I could stop right there.
Pfft. No one even sings in those songs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB1D9wWxd2w
Starting the weekend with a Sazerac, to be followed by some leftover gumbo.
https://youtu.be/m3VUZYxr0MA
When I was in Catholic grade school, there was a National Guard Armory next door. Wee Gumbygirl used to look out the windows at the tanks and daydream
I could drive them around in big looping circles. Then Sister Mary Andrew came over and whacked me with a ruler. Fuck You, Sister Mary Andrew.
When I was a kid (and a “bad boy”) my mother would give me the vague threat of, “I’m going to send you away to school!”. I never took it seriously. One time I fucked up and my dad said, “When you reach 14, I’m sending you to Scollard Hall in North Bay”. (an all-boys Catholic school-you would only come home during Christmas, that’s it) It wasn’t a threat, it was just going to happen. Thank the bejeezuz the parents got divorced and that never happened.
My brother and I were threatened with Catholic school and military school.
We straightened out real quick.
I love ALL these pictures but Good God that second picture is a work of art…
The shaving alone is worthy of Micheal Angelo.
No, not that one. Mike Angelo, from the old neighborhood. Runs a tanning and waxing salon these days. I’m told he’s the best.
But is he as good as the gal that waxes BFC’s and Brick’s balls?
That is a question I prefer never to be answered.
Ayo… how long have you been able to drive a tank?
Ooh, and can you do the Corkscrew next? Which doesn’t involve Gran Turismo levels of yeeting the corner via sand traps? (As opposed to the former final corner in Trial Mountain, the Yeet Corner.)
Never had the chance to drive a tank. Except for that Audi I used to own, lol.
I had an American Audi and a Scottish one. I loved them! My puir Scotsaudi came to a fiery, yet hilarious end.
Is this how hybrids are created?
Two cars at two different times, on two different continents. Well, one continent and an island aligned with another continent. I am high as fuck and rambling!
As they are wont to do. Mine smelled of gas while driving right before selling it. Glad it was gone before the fiery end.
Mine wouldn’t start, and was getting towed to my handsome boyfriend Gordon’s garage, when a stone or something kicked up and punctured the gas tank. He went in to the burning car to save a bag of laundry, hero! The reason it was hilarious was that the week before our friend Mike had his car broken into and set on fire in Edinburgh. He had the same model Audi as us, same color even, but it was a piece of shit we called Rusty. That week we were calling it Roasty. When the cops came to the door to tell us about our car, we laffed and laffed, thinking it was an elaborate joke set up by Mike. The cops thought we were nuts.
I’m dying. Roasty!
And laughing while someone’s telling you your car is toast. Legends!
Laguna’s corkscrew? I could write a whole post on that corner, or actually on how that corner is so crucial to setting up the remainder of the lap.
I believe you just set yourself up for writing about that.
I need to read that.
In short yes. In long, very yes.
An Analyze a Curve series?