This post was actually inspired by BFC’s Thursday Night Open Thread in which he professed his love for the maple bar.
The plan is for this to be an ongoing off-season series on Saturday nights in which I present to you my five favourite somethings and then you comment and tell me:
- How I’m wrong
- Your Top Five
- Suggestions for the next top five list
Without further ado, I present to you my Top Five favourite donuts!
1 – Maple Bar
This is my Go-To. If I’m ever at a donut shop or any place that sells donuts, I first check to see if they have any maple bars and if they look any good. If anything, the maple bar is my canary in the donut mine. If the maple bar is good, chances are the rest of the donuts will be at minimum good, if not excellent.
Pros:
Most Favourable dollar to donut ratio.
Not too sweet
Easily dunkable into a cup of coffee
Cons:
Can be quite filling
Too many places only offer them with bacon. If I want bacon, I’ll go to Denny’s.
2 – Buttermilk Bar
Another bar, which I enjoy because you get more donut for your dollar, but the buttermilk bar steps it up another notch with how dense it is. This is a breakfast donut. You eat one of these, you’re good to go until at least lunch if not dinner. I prefer the glazed version and, if they have, the maple glazed best. I’m probably half Canadian.
The donut, when cooked correctly, has a delicious crisp exterior and a fluffy soft interior. Like my favourite lady, it is a perfect mix of light and thick.
Pros:
Very favourable dollar to donut ratio
Meal-replacement
Perfectly dunkable in a glass of cold milk
Cons:
Some people can’t handle the density
Not all places know how to make them right
3 – Buttermilk Old Fashioned
The thing that sets this donut apart and the reason why I love it so is the shape.
I like to tear the outside edges apart and eat them one at a time. Eventually, you end up with only the inner O-Ring and then you munch on that to your heart’s delight. This is the perfect donut to eat like it was foreplay: slowly and sensually.
Pros:
You can play with your food
Dee-fuckin-licious
Cons:
At donut shops that don’t know what they are doing, these do not tear easily or they crumble when you try to tear them.
4 – French Cruller
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. And you’re not wrong. I know what it looks like. And I like it.
The thing I like the most about this donut is how light it is. When cooked correctly, the inside is light and airy. It almost seems like an asshole-shaped creampuff without the cream.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Pros:
You can probably eat five in about the same time it takes to eat one buttermilk bar
Comes with different flavours of glazing. I prefer strawberry.
Cons:
Some people don’t like the way it looks
5 – Apple Fritter
This is probably the unhealthiest donut there is but, damn it, it is so good! I love it when you get a lot of little pieces of apple mixed in the dough.
Like the buttermilk bar, this donut is a great combination of crispy and fluffy. It just has the added bonus of nutritious apples added in!
I prefer to tear pieces off and eat them individually. I also stick my pinky out while I do that LIKE A FUCKING LADY!
Pros:
Apples = Nutrition
Excellent dollar to donut ratio
Cons:
Can you afford health insurance? If not, this donut is not for you.
***
What say you in the comments?
THAT IS IT
Lil dude did it again!
one of m spawn
Milk challenge?
Nope, just another day
action shot of me n mrs. fozz
Where’s the action shot of your MIL yelling at you?
GOd, i dont’ aknow if she how up on video. harpy.
Cute as a bug! This is me and the Gumbster at Pappy and Harriet’s today. We’re ghosts now, who knew?
i was dcukn and s was so mad
yes didn’t need to splain that
sorry so bruck, drunk and she was pissed
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXQhdB1y674&ab_channel=Movieclips
Oh my goodness tiny white G-League guy just did a thing.
Dorky white boy got the 50!
I’m partial to a good old fashioned jelly donut. I’ve also made donuts once. They were good,but they needed work. Certainly worth trying again.
Apparently, you can make low budget donuts with a can of biscuits in the air fryer. I am exactly the kind of white trash who would eat those!
Chocolate covere yeast donut, i will mow down 18 of those, easy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKsuyyPpf6Q
NFL footbal is on tomorow. Right? RIGHT?
Yes. Yes it is, Fozzie!
whew. i was shaky for awhile. fucking what? baseball?
Wade Phillips still doesn’t strategery good.
Glazed Donut with Chocolate Icing
Its simple, but elegant.
Spackled, sanded, painted a bedroom (accent wall got two coats). Currently sipping a Manhattan. I needed this.
I still have to put together a bunk bed either tomorrow or Monday.
Pro tip is to glue in the dowels if you don’t plan to move it. Much stronger this way. Also works well with Ikea stuff
Good to know!
Good hussle.
The Dr. J Slam Dunk Trophy.
Goddamn right!
My son had one of these. I could slam and jam like a mofo!
The Fabelmens was wonderful. Still not the best picture this year in my eyes but fantastic.
Gummy, two beers, three manhattans, one bourbon on the ricks. i will see you fuckers later
On the ricks?
Wub-a-dub-dub!
New manhattan. im not a fan, cause i like liquor getting to my brian unfriltered, but not bad
rocks, fuck
You are correct on all of your donut choices.
Chef guy’s opinion counts double.
Kinda surprised though that there was no “best donut to fuck” bonus pick.
I mentioned the cruller!
Crullers can go straight to hell. THey are an abomination. Fuck crullers. If I had a cruller in front of me, I’d punch it to Mar.s Fucking crullers
Agreed. They cut the roof of your mouth and taste worse than any related donut.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA-5m0iJ0xg
Where is Maestro to tell us donuts are sandwiches?
In things that interest about three people here, Primal Kyogre ran.
Pain.
Are you bourbling with Fozzie?
I’d ditch the buttermilk bar and replace it with Boston Cream. Unnecessary duplication, plus not a doughnut.
I’d ditch the fritter because it isn’t a doughnut and replace it with the chocolate frosted doughnut a’la John Belushi.
And although I like it, the maple bar is also not a doughnut and should be replaced with jelly/raspberry filled.
The buttermilk and the cruller can stay.
So we get:
Chocolate frosted
Buttermilk
Cruller
Jelly/rapberry
Boston Cream
Please Huerter don’t Ham ’em!
Apparently he heard me.
FFL team name just dropped
I have no strong opinions on donuts, so I have no quibbles with the list. My top 5 is glazed from 5 different places.
Next top 5 should be the top arenas. I already have my list ready to go.
Also, it appears I’m about to release the Kraken again.
Seriously…CLIMATE PLEDGE ARENA?
Carbon Zero by 2030!
I call dibs on Thunderdome!
One of the announcers on the 3 point contest was trying to encourage Julies Randle by saying “Heat up Ju” and my cringe was measurable on the Richter Scale.
It’s a gas, gas, gas!
Haven’t seen a Haliburton shoot this well since Dick Cheney buckshot-fucked his buddy.
How wasted was Elway when he thought Paxton Lynch was a first-round talent? Good LORD, no wonder Hippo is pilled up all the time.
But you see, he was TALL.
Tall and dumb can work if it’s right kind of tall and dumb.
https://photos.app.goo.gl/t1nPFTN5wLQ3TEjp6
Cheers y’all!
That’s how I travel except minus the amenity kit and beverage and snacks and seat-back entertainment and plus the seat in front of me being much much closer and also since I normally fly Southwest the flight was probably canceled so I’m driving except rental cars are too expensive so I’m at home drinking a beer. Otherwise, samesies.
Also, have fun hangin with Sally Struthers you white devil!
And Starvin’ Marvin!
1) Raspberry jelly filled
2) cinnamon sugar
3) fresh/hot glazed
4) blueberry filled with powdered sugar
5) apple fritter
Always enjoyed the apple fritter.
Shares my top spot with chocolate glazed custard-filled.
Really digging the yellow amenity kit, very thoughtful to make it hangable with an interior pocket
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCumH8LRo1A
Part 2 of the sketch:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PlhJOzH0gY
The source of “Monsters of Megaphone” was an actual documentary about Al Jolson where all his peers said what an awful guy he was. This is great.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7En4OddU7A
Paxton Lynch is still completely usesless, regardless of whatever league he plays in.
XFL is kicking off in… Houston? Good to see they finally have a professional foobawl squadron!
Feel super colonial getting on my Ethiopian Air flight with all the other mostly white people, since apparently we’re all in business
Side note: basic white dudes saying ‘hey babe’ is really unattractive
“It’s DOKTOR Babe, thank you.”
“sup bitch” is infinitely more classy
I am as basic a basic batch as any ever was. I don’t recall ever being drunk enough to say “hey babe.” I’d be embarrassed to say that to a stripper, FFS
As a frequent drunk guy, I wouldn’t even THINK that.
https://youtu.be/59m_r1GST8s
Enjoyed those sketches much more than anyone else in my house. Probably worked with too many.
Do you mean there are mostly white people or are the people mostly white? Also, how the fuck did you get to Ethiopia? I’ve never asked anyone that question before.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QsnV8KUXl8
1. They don’t always have it, but if Dunkin has a toasted coconut, I’ll always order one.
2. Strawberry donut from Donut Man.
Love the peach as well. However, they’re seasonal, so that deducts points.
[appeals to Dumbledore; House Deadly is arbitrarily granted 50 points and wins the House Cup]
Well that looks delightful!
Gumby and I went for a late lunch at Pappy and Harriet’s in Yucca Valley. Tri-tip sammich, ooooooh yeah baby!
Pioneertown. Very cool.
Don’t they have big-name concerts there for some reason?
Paul McCartney played there recently. They have pictures of tons of people on the walls, but I hit my vape so hard before we went in, I was kind of paralyzed in my chair! And my vision is not awesome, but I recognized Bonnie Raitt, Joan Armatrading, and Ice T.
“Recognizing Joan Armatrading” should give you some kind of Lifetime Achievement Award.
And good work on the vape. That is L-I-V-I-N.
I fucking love me some Joan A. Come to think of it, how many bitchin’ Joans have there been? Starting with Jeanne D’arc, and fast forwarding to Joan Crawford, Joan Collins, Joni Mitchell, Joan Jett.
Joan Baez
Joan Kokonaski. Not famous, but a really nice girl I went to school with, starting in 1st grade.
Here’s some good Joan
https://youtu.be/xc_WJFp6fRs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zubto7OIGns
Showed my father a cartoon of a despondent Chelsea fan sitting at a table with a bottle of vodka and handgun in front of him. He responded that the way Chelsea was playing the fan would put the gun in his ear, pull the trigger, and miss.
He’s been watching Premier League for less than a full season and he’s already a bitter, bitter man. Couldn’t be prouder.
Bitterman, eh?
We haven’t started boarding for Lome/Addis yet, so we probably aren’t leaving by 8:40, although the gate area is surprisingly uncrowded, so I guess maybe?
Now, in terms of what Balls is wrong, none of his Top 5 involve chocolate in any way, shape or form. I don’t want to get too hyperbolic here, but this is a crime against humanity roughly akin to racism. Second, none of these doughnuts have jelly in them. Three, a fritter is a fritter; it is not a doughnut no matter how delicious it might be. Four, a doughnut really needs a hole in it, and I would think Balls would be a stickler for that even more than I am, but here we are. Five, WHEAH THA FACHK IS FAHCKIN’ DUNKIN’ DONUTS!? WHAT AH YAH, SOME KINDA FAHCKIN QUEEAH!?
My Top 5
Suggestion for next Top 5 is Top 5 appetizers.
This is excellent and comprehensive.
WE GAWT A COPPAH!
Butternut? What the fuck are you talking about?
At least he didn’t say nutbutter…
Doesn’t the jelly filled nawt have a hole and thus not eligible for this list, thus list is irrelevant
It has a hole, that’s how they get the jelly in, smgdh.
Reggie Miller’s suit/tie combo must be seen to be believed.
Pretty impressed that Dick Vitale waited until there were two minutes left in the game, (where Syracuse was losing by 20+), to start ranting about how Boeheim is a golden god and should be able to say whatever he wants about the NIL, even if it’s dead wrong.
I know Vitale isn’t in great health and I don’t wish anything bad for him but holy shit can I not stand his schtick of sucking up to every single coach in D-1 basketball.
He needed to be put out to pasture about 10-15 years ago. Seems like an ok guy, but he’s only got one hit to play.
He’s like a less horny, less hungover Berman.
It’s honestly embarrassing. Just constantly shilling or apologizing for every coach he’s ever spoken to for more than two minutes.
And those coaches could literally skin a baby seal live on the air, and he would still talk about what great people they are.
He used to go to the same bar/ restaurant my parents did when they lived in Florida. He was always really nice.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxCUHjx7U7Y
The cigarette absolutely kills me every time.
Which they do tend to do.
And the chocolate covered ones too.
Ha, should have clicked on the video!
That is the king of all donut videos
It is.
GREATEST FACKIN’ PAYSTREE EVAH NO ONE DENIES THIS
/seriously, Boston creme pie doughnuts are cheat codes. So dangerously delicious.
The poor man’s eclair was a fave of mine as a kid. It’s a damn good thing I didn’t know about Krispy Kreme version until college when my tastebuds didn’t tolerate pure sugar as well
The creation of the Boston creme pie is like a Jim Gaffigan joke.
“How can we make a slice of Boston creme pie even better, easier to consume, and fattier?” “Can we deep fry it?”
“Hey, there’s an idea!”
Hell yeah. That’s number one, followed by Krispy Kreme when they have just turned the hot sign on, powdered sugar covered jelly filled, cinnamon sugar cake donut, and apple cider donuts. Fuck right off with your”healthy” choices , you commie ratbastids! I want to feel my arteries clogging!
Oops, forgot my top five suggestion: people you would murder if there was no chance of getting caught.
Oooh apple cider donuts are a good call
Because I love chaos, next top five: girl scout cookies
Ha ha ha ha!
Original House of Cards? Nice!
.
Let’s follow directions, people
How I’m wrong: Your #1 pick is dead on balls accurate. Shocked you didn’t incorporate something cream filled into your top five.
Your Top Five: Maple Bar, Apple Fritter, Sour cream old fashioned, blueberry cake, and the Samoa donut from Sidecar
Suggestions for the next top five list: Sports stadia you’ve been to in person.
Blueberry cake and sour cream, this man knows
I need to seek this Samoa donut out!
The Hurts Donut in OKC (and Dallas) goes all out for Halloween.
We love it, so I would choose Bloody Raspberry.
Attractive doughnut treats!
I’m mostly with you here, although I have not personally had a buttermilk bar it looks fookin amazeballs, kinda similar to sour cream donuts which are great. My other point of disagreement is apple fritters, nawt really a fan and much prefer the blueberry cake donut, which also has the healthy advantages of fruit (and antioxidents which apples do nawt!) but is closer in texture and flavor to your previous selections.
