I’m writing this Sunday, April 23rd, and of course by that I mean that I’m re-writing it on Tuesday, April 25th, because the Jets and Packers decided that three days before the draft was the perfect time to pull the trigger on the Rodgers deal and fuck me over. So thanks for that.
Because there won’t be 5 picks run the first 20 minutes, you see.
As usual I’ll add Peter King’s picks below mine. Or I would have, if he had done one. As near as I can tell he has yet to put one up. If he does I’ll try to update this draft. MAYBE.
King did do a mock draft, three days ago, but I can’t type fast enough in 12 minutes to add his picks to mine. His draft can be found here.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’m just back from the gym and have learned that the Ravens resigned Lamar Jackson to a 5-year deal. I don’t know the details because I do not care about the signing, other than that it fucks up my draft. This thing goes live and you hang me out to dry like this? Screw you Ravens, and screw you, Lamar. I could run through and change that pick and all the picks after as needed, but I just realized I don’t get paid for this so I’m not going to.
Also, Todd McShay and Mel both released their final mocks today. I only remember a few things, notably that they agree on their first ten picks, and only the first one looks like mine. Notable picks are Houston taking Will Anderson, leaving Mike Bidwill alone and shivering outside of a highway rest stop, (something I’m sure has never happened to him before), Jalen Carter goes to the Seahawks at 5, I think the Colts trade with Arizona and take Will Anderson, Anthony Richardson falls off the planet, and Nolan Smith, a guy I forgot all about, (so guess who the Ravens are picking now), goes to the Eagles at 10.
I’m sticking with my picks, other than Baltimore, because let’s face it I’m pulling these out of my ass anyway. The important thing is that the draft is here, and it’s time to have a couple of beverages of your choice and second guess your team’s decision-making.
Team needs taken from Josh Edwards, although I only took the top three he listed for each team, because I have things to do. Josh neither uses nor endorses these picks.
1. Carolina Panthers (from Chicago)
Record: 7-10
Top Needs: Doesn’t matter, they’re taking a QB
The pick: We’re switching things up right from jump street here at the first pick. Apparently Alabama QB Bryce Young canceled the rest of his visits after visiting with Carolina. Carolina is denying that they told Young they were taking him with the first pick but c’mon, Young isn’t a moron. The coin apparently done me wrong in Version 1.0. I’ll remember that, metallic currency.
2. Houston Texans
Record: 3-13-1
Top Needs: Doesn’t matter, they’re taking a QB
The pick: Oh it’s rumor central time, with the Texans apparently spreading the word that “we don’t have to take a quarterback, you know,” and that if they do take a QB it might not be Young or The Ohio State QB CJ Stroud but, as with the first pick, c’mon. The league revolves around QBs, the Texans need a QB, and Stroud is far and away the best QB prospect available at #2. Everything else smells like an effort to maybe get someone like the Falcons or Washington to give the Texans even more picks than they already have which, to be fair, they really could use.
3. Arizona Cardinals
Record: 4-13
Top Needs: DL, Edge, RB
The pick: Alabama Edge Will Anderson remains the pick here, unchanged from Version 1.0. This is only because I don’t do trades in my mock drafts, because that’s just insane. My best guess here is that Bidwill, whose sexuality has no bearing on my predictions, is going to trade this pick to a team desperate to get ahead of the Colts and take one of the top 2 remaining QB prospects or, like when the Chicago Bears just had to get Trubisky, the Colts themselves moving up to block someone else from moving up. Hey, it worked out great for the Bears! Absent a trade, however, Anderson still seems the best fit here.
4. Indianapolis Colts
Record: 4-12-1
Top Needs: QB, CB, WR
The Pick: Florida QB Anthony Richardson. I’m seeing talk about Will Levis, talk about Richardson’s lack of experience and shaky production dragging him down, and all of it sounds like a smoke screen to keep people from leapfrogging the Colts, allowing them to draft Richardson at 4 and not give up multiple later picks just to swap with the Cardinals. Ultimately I’m most persuaded by the Colts now being coached by the guy who was the OC for Jalen Hurts, to whom Richardson is most compared to. The NFL loves nothing more than covering up incidents of domestic abuse, but copycatting what worked before is a close second, and it’s about to get Richardson paid.
5. Seattle Seahawks (from Denver, for Russell Wilson, which is hilarious)
Record: 9-8
Top Needs: S, LB, DL
The pick: The consensus among the more recent picks is Texas Tech Edge Tyree Wilson, and by that I mean I saw exactly one mock that had anyone else going here. For the records that was Christian Gonzalez, a CB who doesn’t meet any of the top three needs. I’m keeping Wilson here, but I still like the idea of Seattle trading out of this pick and going after Brian Branch with a later pick, getting themselves some extra picks as well.
6. Detroit Lions (from Los Angeles Rams, for Matt Stafford, 3 boxes of doughnuts, and a Super Bowl)
Record: 9-8
Top Needs: TE, CB, DL
The pick: I had a fairly lengthy and well-reasoned paragraph here about why the Lions would take Bijan Robinson, the RB out of Texas here. It was pretty good. And then the Jets and Packers did their thing and I was scrolling down to see if I had any other thoughts and I said “there’s no way way Dan Campbell passes up the chance to add Georgia DT Jalen Carter, pair him up with Adrian Hutchinson, and just tee off.” Carter’s got more red flags on him than a May Day parade in Moscow, but this is the NFL and no one cares. Just a hunch on this one, literally nothing more.
7. Las Vegas Raiders of Los Angeles vis Oakland
Record: 6-11
Top Needs: OT, OG, C
The pick: Horatio, did Kentucky QB Will Levis fall to Rikki’s Raiders? Yes he did, Other Horatio, yes he did. If this happens, (it won’t), be prepared for some wing-wang wrapped running about the clubhouse. It’s not a real need, but every NFL franchise loves a flashy new toy, and an NFL franchise in Las Vegas almost needs one, especially when the current starting QB is made of glass.
8. Atlanta Falcons
Record: 7-10
Top Needs: QB, CB, LB
The pick: Unless they trade up, (which I suspect is likely, not just for Atlanta but for several teams), Atlanta seems unlikely to get one of the top 4 QB prospects. Version The First had them falling into Will Levis, but I just arbitrarily sent him to the Raiders based on nothing more than a hunch. Atlanta therefore turns their lonely eyes to their second-most pressing need and takes Oregon CB Christian Gonzalez.
9. Chicago Bears (from Carolina in exchange for the first pick)
Record: 3-14
Top Needs: OT, C, CB
The pick: Ohio State OT Paris Johnson. They’re also apparently a very likely landing spot for Carter. If the Lions don’t take Carter he almost certainly won’t fall past the Bears, despite being overweight, not that interested in practice, and, oh yeah, killing someone(s). This is too much about what a dick Carter is and not enough about Johnson, (go ahead, giggle, you know you want to), so here’s an article about why the Bears are zeroing in on Johnson.
10. Philadelphia Eagles (from New Orleans, in exchange for something, probably beignet-related)
Record: 14-3
Top Needs: S, WR, OG
The pick: Now that I’ve changed my Lions pick I can go ahead and give the Eagles the pick I wanted to, Texas RB Bijan Robinson. Not only can you plug a stud RB into the backfield to complement Hurts, the Cowboys are making noise about taking a running back in the first round, and the Eagles love nothing more than fucking the Cowboys over in the first round. That’s a win-win for Philadelphia!
11. Don T’s Tits
Record: 7-10
Top Needs: OT, OG, WR
The pick: Tennessee OT Darnell Wright. No real reason, just that I keep seeing his name as someone who is moving up the boards. He also fits the Titans top need and he’s a hometown guy. You like that logic? This entire mock draft is based on it!
12. Houston Texans (from Cleveland for Deshaun Watson and an absolute moral failing)
Record: 3-13-1
Top Needs: QB, WR, C, LB
The pick: Ohio State WR Jaxon Smith-Nijigba. No change from the first version. This actually turns into a pretty good draft for the Texans if it works out that way, almost like a Burrows-Chase connection, but with a much worse front office that almost certainly won’t make as much of it as Mike Brown did.
13. Green Bay Packers (From Jets for Aaron Rodgers, a bunch of other stuff)
Record: 8-9
Top Needs: WR, TE, S
The pick: Well this is just fucking great. 18 picks shot to hell. A lot of mocks have Green Bay giving Rodgers one more ‘fuck you’ on the way out the door and taking Smith Nijigba here, but I just sent him to Houston, so that’s not happening here. This is probably a smidge early, but Boston College WR Zay Flowers probably wouldn’t get past New England at 14 anyway, he has been moving up boards, and he managed to be productive in a Boston College offense that Uconn throttled, so why the hell not.
14. New England Patriots
Record: 8-9
Top needs: OT, WR, TE
The pick: I actually spent a lot of time here trying to persuade myself that Belichcik would draft Zay Flowers here, but I just can’t do it. Especially after the Rodgers trade, when I literally can’t. His track record with first round WRs is abysmal, and that was with Tom Brady. No, I’m staying conservative, denying a woman’s right to choose, bribing a Supreme Court justice, and taking Georgia OT Broderick Jones here.
15. New York Jets
Record: 7-10
Top needs: OG, OT, TE
The pick: Part of me wants them to reach for another TE, just so we can see this again, but this trade and my subsequent revisions actually work out pretty well for the Jets, because here they are needing an OG to protect Rodgers, the top two WRs are gone so Rodgers can’t whine about them not taking one here, (he most assuredly will anyway), and there’s Northwestern OG Peter Skoronski right there. Added bonus I don’t have to change too many picks if this works out. Make it so!
16. Washington Spiders (I’m still not calling them the Commanders)
Record: 8-8-1
Top Needs: QB, C, CB
The pick: Penn State CB Joey Porter, Jr. Washington’s front office is, of course, currently a disaster of epic proportions. I think that might make them less likely to make a trade, actually, (even though they could use the good publicity. Hoo boy, could Washington use some good publicity), simply because no one knows who’s in charge, or even who should be answering the phones. I’ve been seeing Porter going here since Version 1.0, and that doesn’t seem to be changing.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers
Record: 9-8
Top needs: OT, CB, WR
The pick: Illinois CB Devon Witherspoon. Most draft have Witherspoon going well before this pick, and that’s because most people publishing mock drafts know more about football than I do. But in this case Witherspoon has dropped a bit, and the Steelers are more than happy to fill a pressing need with his talents.
18. Detroit Lions
Record: 9-8
Top needs: TE, CB, DL
The pick: Having picked up problem child Carter earlier the Lions take Notre Dame TE Michael Mayer here and send Jared Goff some much needed help, at least until Williams and company get back from the dog track sometime around Week 7. It’s worth a stab at him anyway. See what I did there? Oh screw you, Jamie Lee Curtis thinks it’s funny.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Record: 8-9
Top Needs: S, LB, OT
The pick: The Bucs apparently really want Brian Branch here, but I think they’ll need to trade up if they really want him, especially with Seattle and Philadelphia in front of them and also needing a safety. So either they trade up or they move to their other needs. I like Oklahoma OT Anton Harrison here, just because his hame keeps coming up in all the Bucs mock drafts.
20. Seattle Seahawks
Record: 9-8
Top needs: S, LB, DL
The pick: My ill-informed hunch about Carter going 6 to Detroit, (or 9 to Chicago; I’m insecure enough to claim credit if he does), keeps Seattle from landing Carter here. Instead the Seahawks can draft their actual #1 need with the #1 prospect at that position, Alabama S Brian Branch. This has worked out so well Peter Carroll is going to send George Soros a thank you card.
21. San Diego Chargers
Record: 10-7
Top needs: LB, OT, DL
The pick: Clemson DE Myles Murphy . I almost sent him to Tampa Bay, but he didn’t have his shots so I couldn’t. Most likely to drop a few spots as Carter moves up and the teams behind the Lions/Bears simply have too many other needs for Murphy to make sense. But he does seem likely to fit with the Chargers. Also I kind of forgot about him until now. Honestly he probably makes more sense for Tampa Bay, but I’m so beyond giving a shit right now.
22. Baltimore Ravens
Record: 10-7
Top needs: WR, OG, CB
The Pick: Georgia LB Nolan Smith. I believe I’ve made my reasons clear. This is hilarious because I forgot all about Smith, he’s likely a Top-10 talent, and the three teams in front of Baltimore need a LB. There is no chance this should happen, so this will be one of two picks I get right all night.
23. Minnesota Vikings
Record: 13-4 (Total frauds)
Top needs: CB, WR, OG
The pick: Maryland CB Deonte Banks. Because the two higher-ranked CBs are gone, and Minnesota still needs a cornerback. A lot of people like Tennessee QB Henderson Hooker here, but you know who doesn’t like that, huh!? HUH!? Anyway, I have the Ravens taking him one pick before and don’t feel like changing this again. But if they reach detente with Lamar before tomorrow night condor it changed.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars
Record: 9-8
Top needs: CB, S, DL
The pick: Georgia CB Kelee Ringo. Because the three high-ranked CBs are gone, and Jacksonville still needs a cornerback.
25. New York Giants
Record: 9-7-1
Top needs: CB, WR, C
The pick: Most of the Giants mock drafts have the Giants taking a WR, and Zay Flowers has been getting so much attention lately that I seriously doubt he’ll still be available at 25. USC WR Jordan Addison still is, however, so this pick remains unchanged.
26. Dallas Cowboys
Record: 12-5
Top needs: OG, S, DL
The pick: Some are saying that the Cowboys are likely to go defensive line with the first pick, and there are a couple of guys I’ve seen drop on this mock as I’ve replaced them with guys who’ve been moving up since the first version. So Dallas could do that and get a pretty good player and bolster an already more then decent defense. This isn’t your father’s NFL, however, and offense rules the roost. I still like Utah TE Dalton Kincaid here. Just makes too much sense, so look for Ol’ Double J to draft Alabama RB Jahmyr Gibbs here. Which honestly also makes sense with Elliott out and Tony Pollard no one’s idea of a heavy-duty back.
27. Buffalo Bills
Record: 13-3 (one less game because their guy almost died)
Top needs: OG, C, DL
The pick: The Bills need to replace Tremaine Edmunds, who went to Chicago as part of Chicago’s wholly unexpected “doing a good” offseason. It’s like a ‘hot girl summer’ for a front office. Walter Football has Iowa ILB Jack Campbell rated the highest for that position, so I took him. Also ‘Jack Campbell’ just sounds like someone who should play linebacker in Buffalo.
28. Cincinnati Bengals
Record: 13-3 (one less game because that guy on the Bills almost died)
Top Needs: OG, S, CB
The pick: Florida OG O’Cyrus Torrence. Still available in Version 2.0, still the Bengals supposed most pressing need.
29. New Orleans Saints (from San Francisco via Miami via Denver, which sounds like a Ryanair flight)
Record: 7-10
Top needs: OG, WR, LB
The pick: I still won’t be surprised if the Saints do take the running back I had the taking the first time around, but a couple of defensive guys have fallen in the second version, and for whatever reason the mocks seem to like the Saints taking a defensive tackle. I’m not one to argue, so Clemson DT Bryan Berese, come on down.
30. Philadelphia Eagles
Record: 14-3
Top Needs: S, WR, OG
The pick: TCU WR Quentin Johnston. Apparently Johnston was considered the top prospect at WR going into the season, then spent most of it showing that he had trouble catching. This would be a problem for most teams, as an ability to catch the ball is considered desirable in a WR, but the Eagles employed Nelson Agholor, so a little thing like “paddles for hands” won’t bother them. He fills a need, the Eagles already have Hurts, AJ Brown, and (if they listened to me), a stud RB in Robinson. They can take a shot at catching lightning in a bottle with Johnston, which is good because it doesn’t sound like Johnston will be making that catch.
31. Kansas City Chiefs
Record: 14-3. Won the Super Bowl.
Top needs: Edge, DL, OT
The pick: The Chiefs can pretty much do what they want as long as they have Patrick Mahomes at QB, and they certainly take advantage of that. On and off the field, the latter with frequently unfortunate results. Frank Clark was releases last season, so I’ll go along with the crowd and replace him with Georgia Tech DE Keion Wright.
32. Miami Dolphins.
The pick: Just kidding, they don’t have one because of all that tampering.
This guy looks ready for Vegas.
The next Silky Gerrard y’all
“Bitch, best check that mouth.”
“That’s my Raiders” must be happy with this swag.
Raiders looking at a good criminal defense lawyer or a pro to “clean up” this McDaniels issue
Levis is the one hated by his teammates IIRC
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you this cinematic masterpiece is 10 years old next year
Paris Johnson is only starting to learn the Portuguese language? Seems like a bit of a slacker.
dont even speek paris in protugeese smh
Las Vegas P.D are watching this intently.
I like the Bears rumor for trading with WFT 9 for 16 and Chase Young
Jesus Christ! How much did God pay the NFL to be mentioned this much?
Thoughts and prayers to families of those who will die of alcohol poisoning due to Draft Drinking Games.
Twenty pieces of silver?
“What a shitty negotiator”
-J. Iscariot
I would think having “being weak” as a deficiency would drop you a couple of rounds as, you know, an offensive lineman.
Trading 26 times to draft the third-best tackle at six overall, you have to do it.
Again, the swimsuit portion of thecombine must’ve been incredible
That’s something they can fix, unlike T Rex arms or terminal stupidity.
You can fix the arms, just have to be REALLY open-minded
Paris lacks COD map awareness!
Exactly three people were excited in the Cardinals draft room.
*pictured…. someone from neither Arizona nor Ohio
Lacks height, good hips, could use more arm length, nice upper body development. Based on her work in Kick-Ass seems to have great motor skills, solid drive.
Would draft middle-to-late first round.
That rug really ties the room together.
God: “Okay, now back to trying to end the war in Ukraine and restore Russia to…”
Angel: “Boss, another player wants drafted in the Top 10.”
God: “Me damn it! I gave them superhuman talent. The thanks should be assumed!”
Arizona trading back up to get to Detroit’s pick!? This is it folks, it’s chaos time. Hold your loved ones close and your beers closer!
Cards drafting a real estate agent who can offload a few homes in Queen Creek
Yeah, Jesus, you’d certainly hate to mix water with Corona.
Evening Fuck Boys (and Girls)!
Spur is buzzed and feeling frisky!
Witherspoon’s mom is dressed like a flapper. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Umm… sure?
.
.
.
.
Go Hawks?
Legion of Boom II: Steel Melting Boogaloo?
The ATL Hawks or PNW Hawks?
Horatio, sitting at 4 for 4, dreaming of perfection as Seattle steps to the podium and announce Devin Wetherspoon:
You’re a retarded Irish guy?
A couple of generation removed from the Auld Sod, but otherwise not inaccurate.
That seems like a big overreach, but who the fuck knows with Steely McBeams.
Any time you can get the second-best CB in the draft at #5 you have to do it.
I’m sorry but holy shit this “let’s talk to everyone’s family” who the fuck cares about this? Is this for Campbell’s soup’s next marketing plan on whose mother is the most camera ready?
I’d like to see the “college girlfriend that’s getting dumped when the player gets to his new team” montage…
Yo
Totes cool, bro.
Evening
Call me nuts, but I don’t think God gives a rip about the NFL Draft.
Yeah he is more “90-day fiancee”
Loose Change on the clock
Oh, for Heaven’s sake, not even in church is God praised this much!
My man.
Gumby is Kim Thayil?
Without the money.
He bought that shirt from a sketchy internet site. One sleeve is Steelers, the other is the Chargers, lol!
Sketchy internet site? More sketchy than this one?
Have you ever considered the adoption option?
Guy getting drafted by Washington: “First I’d like to thank God. Without Him I wou…”
Huge Voice From Above: “Leave Me the fuck out of this!!!”
I think the fact that Trump didn’t get smote on the spot when he was waving that bible upside down is proof that God doesn’t exist.
So many uncivilized players getting selected in this draft! I shall truly rejoice when Jack Campbell gets selected!
Would’ve thought you’d be leading a naval squadron against those wogs from the Emirates, Your Lordship.
It was my intent to, but I had a previous engagement with those troublesome spice merchants in the Dutch East Indies over some land that I had hoped to acquire. I shall be sending a telegram to the front lines of the King’s Not-so Finest to let them know that their little stunt against the Bald Man’s Chester Hair City was unacceptable!
Richardson’s completion % was 53.8 last year in college. But he killed it in the swimsuit portion of The Combine, so there you go.
Someone on the radio today pointed out the he did that with a receiving corps that is going to go undrafted, arguing that if he had OSU’s receivers he’d be far and away the first pick. Is that accurate? It’s a guy on sports radio, so almost certainly not. Worth considering, though.
Good receivers are actually harder to throw to.
/Trying out for my own sprots talk radio spot
Yeah, I heard that he has the arm to make all the throws but accuracy is a huge problem.
If your pick cries, I think they should let the team go back and pick somebody else
I’m having flashbacks to the ‘99 Draft with all the QBs going early.
The Colts track record of keeping qb’s healthy is not good. Some say Irsay gets a bulk discount on pills.
And glue.
Good pick Colts. I hope it doesn’t work out. I hope nothing ever works out for you. Fuck you Irsay. Fuck you Indy.
By year 2 they’re going to be fans wanting Gardner to be playing even though he’s ass.
And yes it will be a racial thing. Fuck that team, fuck that town….
…and fuck this state!
4 for 4 equals my best start ever. That was in the first mock I ever did, and I proceed to go 0-28 the rest of the way.
On the plus side, I am killing Todd and Mel right now.
That’s good hustle
I wish you were being literal, especially with Mel.
/////////sssssssssssssssssssssssssssnnnnniiiiiiiiiiffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
— Jim I., totally-not-at-all-Indianopolis
I was wrong!
White qb to the Clots.
If I was going to be drafted, I’d wear a boat anchor around my neck and have the best bling of all.
I was talking politics with a stranger at a bar, because that’s always a good idea. Looks like Horatio got the first 2 picks right! What we on? Like 3 or 4?
Clots trade their pick for 1 tanker of cocaine (for Irsay) and 1 tanker of gravy?
And can we get Schefter’s mic cut off?
Remember the story when oldest Fozz spawn fell while drunk on halloween and bashed his nose? well, he’s getting it fixed. and it’s costing $5K. idiot.
Are you paying for it?
Yup, it’s not covered by insurance.
You know chicks love a deviated septum
If Houston somehow trades into #4, this is the best draft ever.
I said Anderson would be the third pick and that Bidwill would trade the pick. I’m giving myself full credit, declaring myself 3 for 3, and giving me permission to go get a goddamn snack. And a beer.
/Mrs. Cornblower fires up vacuum
Does that mean the same thing as “loading the dishwasher”?
/dwarf pops yet another Cialis
I think that’s worth 2 points myself.*
*you’ll need it later on, of course
I haven’t seen a Houston be this aggressive since Sam won The Battle of San Jacinto!
He’s a stupid god-botherer. Screw him.
I have some bad news for you about 85%* of athletes.
*might be low
We all agree there’s always a chance the Cardinals forget to make their pick in time, right?
[puts himself out there on Linkedin]
-Davis Mills