Tonight’s post category again comes from my stomach. Well, probably closer to my liver. I don’t drink like I did when I was younger. Truth be told, I hardly drink at all and I can’t really tell you when was the last time I went to a bar.
However, that will not deter me from going back through Memory Lane to go over all the drinks I’ve ordered in my lifetime. Through experience, I’ve figured what is the best thing to get when you’re at a bar or club that serves alcoholic beverages. Tonight I’m discussing my favourite ones.
As I mentioned in the first post, the plan is for this to be an ongoing off-season series on Saturday nights in which I present to you my five favourite somethings and then you comment and tell me:
- How I’m wrong
- Your Top Five
- Suggestions for the next top five list
Without further ado, I present to you my Top Five Bar Orders!
1 – Beer on Tap
It’s the easiest thing in the world for the bartender to do and it’s the fastest way to get alcohol in your bloodstream outside of buttchugging. Also, beer from the tap invariably tastes better than beer in a can or a bottle.
The beer I prefer to drink from the tap is Guinness, but that’s not necessarily available everywhere. On the other hand, there are places that have hundreds of beers on tap and you can try as many as you want.
Most smaller bars will have a few beers on tap and that’s fine. Unless it’s Bud Light (and that’s a statement on the quality of Bud Light not anything having to do with the current controversy), it will probably be good.
Pros:
Easiest and fastest way to drink.
Hard to fuck up.
Cons:
The selection might be limited.
2 – Seven and Seven
When we were young high school underage drinkers, we didn’t have beer, and we wanted to look sophisticated, we made highballs. A highball is a family of cocktails that use base alcohol and a larger percentage of mixer, like fruit juice or soda water. Your typical highballs are Screwdrivers (vodka and orange juice), Jack and Cokes (Jack Daniels and Coca Cola), Mimosas (champagne and orange juice), and Palomas (Tequila and Squirt).
I wanted to stand out, so my drink was the Seven and Seven: Seagram’s Seven Whiskey and Seven Up. As my palate became even more sophisticated (please read the extreme sarcasm here), I would switch it up and make it a Seven and Ginger: Seagram’s Seven and Ginger Ale.
What can I say? I was young. However, I still stand by this drink. It is easy to make, gets the job done, and is delicious! As I was able to get into bars, this was the drink I’d order.
Pros:
Almost as easy to make as pouring a beer from the tap.
It is a very good combination that feeds my sweet tooth.
Cons:
It is hard to get the ratio of spirit to soda just right. Sometimes it’s better just to make your own.
3 – Bloody Mary
At first glance, this may seem like a difficult drink for a bartender to make because it has so many ingredients. However, once you know that they make their mix well in advance (if they are a good bar and make their own mix) or simply pour it out of a bottle, you realize this isn’t that difficult.
A well-made Bloody (Mary or Caesar, player’s choice) is like heaven on earth. It is my Go-To Breakfast drink. Years back, before Sunday Ticket, I’d go to the bars on Sunday morning to watch games. I ALWAYS ordered Bloodys.
Depending on the garnishes, it could be a complete breakfast!
One thing to note is that I would never order this after noon. I’m like an Italian with cappuccinos in that way. A man has to have principles.
Pros:
Delicious and nutritious.
They go down easier than Nancy Reagan.
Cons:
Too many times, bartenders make them too spicy.
There are many options for how to make them, so consistency is not there across different bars. You need to find a place that makes them like you like and keep going there.
4 – Piña Colada
I practically live on piña coladas when I am on vacation anywhere warm that has access to a poolside or oceanside bar. I will not order anything else.
If I am at an All-Inclusive resort, I tell the bartender or waiter to bring me a fresh one when my existing one is down to a quarter full and to keep them coming all day long.
Unfortunately, I haven’t been on vacation to a beach in a LONG time. I really need to fix that.
Pros:
Have I mentioned I have a sweet tooth?
Even the non-frozen variety is good. Plus, Malibu Rum has a pre-made one in a can that’s delicious!
Cons:
I will judge you Hippo-like if you order one at a regular bar. This is a vacation or beach drink only.
5 – Shot of Tequila, Mexican Style
The American way of doing tequila shots is to lick your hand (or another body part) pour salt on it, and then proceed to:
- Lick the salt off
- Suck a lime wedge
- Swallow a shot of tequila
Otherwise known as the Lick, Suck, and Swallow technique.
The way Mexicans do tequila shots is to pour a shot glass of tequila, pour a shot glass of sangrita (Literally, little blood. It’s a non-alcoholic chaser that you can make or buy. The gold standard to buy is “Viuda de Sánchez”), and either pour a shot glass of lime juice or cut up lime wedges. The procedure is thus:
- Sip the tequila
- Sip the sangrita
- Suck the lime wedge or sip the juice
I prefer the Mexican version. If you go with the shot of lime juice instead of the cut up wedges, that’s called a Bandera cocktail (because lime juice is green, tequila is clear/white, and sangrita is red, the colours of the Mexican flag).
I prefer lime wedges.
Pros:
It’s the classier more adult version of a shot.
Cons:
I think you pretty much have to be IN México to enjoy this. However, some high-end Mexican places may offer this.
***
What say you in the comments?
Oh wow, am I ever glad I caught this Poirot! Poirot told Japp he is allergic to faggots, and Japp asked him if he was allergic to dick. I swear on Lenin’s glassed in corpse, I’m not making it up. Japp was talking about our old friend spotted dick, and apparently faggots are a kind of English meat product in gravy, but the writers were definitely having some fun with it.
What’s your old people’s candy, that you like? For me it’s French burnt peanuts, with Boston Baked Beans as a 1A. It used to be Bit-o-Honey, but that would just pull my crowns off. Second place would be Sixlets(?), the little round M&M imitation candy.
What made me think of this? It had probably been 40+ years (possibly 50) since I had a Charleston Chew. ISTR buying them as a little kid because they were huge. I bought a movie theater box of them at a Giant Eagle (hi yinzers!) to see what they tasted like, because I had forgotten. It wasn’t nasty like a circus peanut or a Necco wafer, but it wasn’t very good. The chocolate was thin and barely tasted like chocolate, and the advertised nougat was like a hard marshmallow
Werther’s Originals are actually pretty good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sUaD2r11oE&ab_channel=oonai5000
Baby Ruth.
Eating them around the pool is a great time.
Salt water taffy.
Big turk. Buy em in bulk.
I like pina coladas.
And getting caught in the rain.
I looked up the song Timothy on One Hit Wonderland (on Youtube, entertaining if you’re bored). Old farts like me might remember it being controversial back in the Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Seventy One. So controversial it wasn’t played on any local AM station*. It turns out it was written by Rupert Holmes, of Pina Colada Song infamy.
How cutting-edge was it in West By God back then? They wouldn’t show Saturday Night Live.
Was that the cannibal one?
Yes it was.
So I had Taco Bell tonight. Specifically because a certain someone declared Baja Blast the best thing since drinkable water. I would like to share my experience through each item I ordered.
1) Beefy 5-Layer Burrito. The “burrito” I received had the first issue of being smaller than a soft taco. Also, it would have been better presented as a Beany 5-Layer Burrito. Not sure where the beef was, but it was not detectable in this abomination.
2) Nachos BellGrandes (sans tomato) Again, more beans than beef, but not excessively. Also, way too too little meat, beans, and cheese to chip ratio. Very sad.
3) I’m not shitting my brains out yet, so win on that front.
4) Mountain Dew Baja Blast must be an acquired taste, because yuck. Much like cilantro this tastes like carbonated, sugary soap.
The Baja Blast ice cream should come out between august and October. I hope it comes to your market.
I will try and review it here just because it will be terrible.
It sounds like the Taco Bell you went to is a shitty location.
Beyond that, I would recommend against the nachos. They are not good. I would recommend instead the Power Bowl.
As for the burrito, I would again advise against what you chose. The superior burrito is the Steak Grilled Cheese burrito. That’s what I had today.
Last note, the regular Baja Blast is too sweet for me. I recommend the Baja Blast Zero.
And avoid at all costs any Taco Bells that are combined with KFC or Pizza Hut. Proper Taco Bell requires a dedicated crew that focuses only on Taco Bell food.
My wife and I stopped at a Hardee’s built into a truck stop a few months ago for the breakfast biscuit. That was a mistake.
I had one of those steak grilled cheese burritos recently. It was bueno!
Your poor, poor plumbing.
Oooh, this Poirot is Hickory Dickory Dock! I love it when it’s one I’ve read.
Love Poirot!
That’s my man right there.
Looks like we get Collingswood/Sydney on FS1 at 10 Pacific. Oy oy oy or what have you.
Nice! !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=md1KuP8fkRU&ab_channel=LeticiaAlinage
Getting a little chippy out there.
I dont even know what figs are, but I must be 80% fig right now, these damn fig Newtons.
Old folks cookie FTW!
1) Beer. Give me your list and I’ll pick one. If you don’t have a list, I’m probably ordering the next item on the list.
2) Bourbon on the rocks (lime optional). Nearly impossible to fuck up.
3) Manhattan. I’ve learned my lesson not to order it at airport bars.
4) Piña Colada (Midori float optional). Only on vacation on a beach.
5) Remember the Maine. In a cocktail bar, this shit gives me credibility so my follow on of “whatever whiskey cocktail the bartender” wants to make doesn’t just return an old fashioned.
And tomato juice is gross.
It is. But, when you remember that a tomato is 90 to 95 percent water, it is essentially the same thing as a tomato.
Stopped paying attention to basketball when they invented a second kind of Guard.
Dental dam?
Lisa needs braces!
I generally don’t drink unless I am home. But I am interested in that sangrita shot. May try to make that tonight, but I am already drunk.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E9ydw_aDMg&ab_channel=Thergothon1
Yes. I am still too sober to make fun of Peeky Blinders, because British people are more funny than dangerous. So I’m not in trouble with the Mrs yet.
All these fisticuffs-seems to me like Vegas players are posturing.
Seems things are getting a bit testy in Vegas.
Well there’s no game going on, so it only makes sense to entertain themselves by swapping knuckles.
The buffet ran out of shrimp???
The sign said, “all you can eat!”
You been here 4 hour! You go now!
*Henry Ruggs revs up his engine
I just got back from seeing Eldest granddaughter play her final performance with the high school jazz band. She graduates next month.
That girl can absolutely rip the fucking bass. Holy shit she KILLED it.
I asked her mom, “Where did she learn the thumb slap?”
“She made it up herself.”
Fierce shit and 3 solos. She was absolutley the best on stage and everyone in the crowd was saying “That girl can play the bass!”
Seriously proud moment.
Awesome man, that’s the best.
It was amazing.
Makes note to take “Yeah Right’s Eldest Granddaughter” #1 in upcoming Bass Players Mock Draft.
Maybe after Geddy but before Flea.
Late to the list, but current top 5:
Runners Up (decent pilsner like Trumer when it is hot out or a Mai Tai on vacation at the pool or, finally a Bushwacker to get messed up in the Caribbean (even better than a Painkiller)
/I seem to have too many in my top 5, but there is absolutely no nutmeg or Allegash in it, so I am assuming I get a pass
Ooh, Old Fashion Fashioned is a great call.
Beer on tap
Martini Sahara dry
Mai Tai
Manhattan
Moscow mule
A nice cab is always a good call too.
Do you order Michelob when you order beer?
No. It varies depending on the bar but never Michelob.
Mahou when you’re in Spain?
(Alliteration joke)
I have now seen two kings out in public today (Coronation and the final of the Copa Del Rey).
Where’s WCS for the trifecta?
Rims should have salt.
Right Balls?
Better specify which rims you’re talking about.
That’s why I asked him specifically.
Absofuckinglutely!
True Story Time:
There is a bar in the Ottawa market area called The Lafeyette. (The Laff) It was established way back in 1849. Every Xmas Eve they would have an “Orphan Night” for servers/bartenders that either had no family or couldn’t get back to their clan. You had to get there by 7pm and after that the doors would be locked. It was a complete free-for-all. Snorting lines on the table and heating knives and doing the hash thingy in the kitchen was par for the course. I was there for two consecutive years and my lasting memory is the poster of Rambo that had tinsel around the borders.
That sounds amazing and terrifying.
There’s an excellent chance you partied with Rob Ford.
I give you credit for having any memories of those nights, lasting or otherwise.
Steph Curry either splashes 3s or get swatted by AD in the pain. Should probably stick with 3s but I hope he doesn’t.
Don’t let Ayesha hear you describe him as “sticking with a 3”.
“Some gals have all the luck”
-D. Favre
Are all Irish folk songs about some comely young lass (aside from the ones about drinking)?
No, many are about killing British people.
That’s how you know they’re aspirational songs; otherwise they’d be about being killed by the British.
Why are irish chicks so hot? I don’t get it, but then I can’t help agreeing to it
Another great list! Here’s mine, and keep in mind I’m kind of a shut-in.
1) Beer on tap, but instead of a Guinness, either a solid IPA or a lighter wheat beer, depending on what kind of place/how many I’ve had.
2) Flight of beers – Any good brewpub will pour you like five beers to try, and one should always do this at a new place. Because 5 > 1.
3) Bar/bartender specialty – whatever they’re good at, by reputation or inquisition (which no one expects)
4) Whatever the skanky shot girl is selling, especially if it’s in a test tube or whatever.
5) Slow(e) Comfortable Screw Against The Wall – Aw yeah
Shit, I forgot about flights. Agree, those are an excellent ice-breaker at any new place.
.
Brilliant (as the across=the=pond tossers say)
You go, Queen Squidgie!
Hey, it’s the first intermission of the Oilers/Knights tilt, why don’t we feature a few snippets from interviews of Leafs players? That’s completely relevant to tonight’s proceedings.
My top bar order was a bourbon neat while trying to get this woman to join me for one. “I have to put my kids to bed,” she told me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TI8SWd7iYWI
Narrator: “The woman in question had no children.”
Actually, she does, but she’s also married (or was, at the time, sometime around 2008) and an alcoholic in recovery. But she took it in very good spirits.
Stop ruining my jokes with “facts”.
1. Mezcal with juice (passion fruit or grapefruit)
2. Whisky with coconut water
3. Bubbly 🍾
4. Beer
5. Club soda
Coconut water is an underrated mixer. I imagine run and coconut water would be delicious.
Coconut water runs are whiteness overload.
1. Guinness on tap’s definitely a winner
2. Rum and Coke
3. Rum and ginger
4. Dark and stormy
5. Gin and tonic
Rum and ginger is an excellent idea!
I don’t drunk rum with redheads, Christina Hendricks excepted.
Senorita Weaselo and I have mainly gone to fancier bars as of recent, so I don’t really get to drink these nowadays.
And by of recent I mean once every 3-6 months.
Battle of LA for the NCAA Beach Volleyball Championship tomorrow!
Man, y’all will CRUSH the rest of the B1G there. How do they even find a beach to practice on smgdh
Bruins won the indoor championship today.
(Walton voice) Conference of Champions!
I get a Caesar when in a busy restaurant bar when waiting for our table for dinner as most come with something to eat along with a drink. And cause they are good
I tried the caeser in the can thing last week. The aftertaste with the taste of aluminum was nawt enjoyable. Would not recommend
Used to get Mountain Dew and vodka back in the day. Note that back then the Canadian version of Mountain Dew did not have caffeine in it and was less carbonated than others.
And love a pint of Guinness if available
My buddy cannot have the gluten, so gluten free beer is hard for him to find, so have had hard ciders and some flavoured vodka sodas with him. So had some white claws and they aren’t bad. The black cherry one was better than expected
Oh and love me a Rye and ginger
Not to brag, [begins bragging] But I make an amazing Bloody Mary/Ceasar and I would never order one in a bar setting because it would be so disappointing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vd3kNr-PdOE&ab_channel=JimGaffigan-Topic
As you do delivery, am I in the area?
His son will have one to you at 4:35 tomorrow morning.
If he bothers to wake up on his own. smgdh…
D-men that check opposing players into their own goalie are the dumbest athletes on Spaghetti Monster’s green earth.
“That’s what I’ve been saying!” -Chris Kreider, pissing off Quebecois everywhere still
God damn McDavid. What a play.
Edmonton taking no prisoners. Just like the Mongols! Are the Oilers going to raze Vegas to the ground? One can hope.
Fingers crossed!
Bourbon and gin made me sin. Had fun though!
1) Draft Beer (usually an IPA)
2) Pear Cider
3) Bombay Sapphire and Tonic
4) Amaretto Sour
5) I’ll just have a Coke, thanks
Very easy to get coke at a bar, ifyouknowwhatImean.
I once saw a dude pull his stash out of his pocket and do a rail right ON the bar.
Bartender didn’t blink.
We used to go to a bar in the early 80’s that was always covered with coke. It never got raided. Now I might know why. The police department in town just got searched by the feds. The consensus opinion is that the cops were either selling coke themselves or taking bribes to look the other way. Could be a longstanding tradition. That bar is now a weird fundy church, lol. They must have had to do an exorcism.
Once walked into the men’s room at a dive bar to see two bikers standing in the middle holding a mirror, (surprisingly they’d apparently brought their own, since there was still one on the wall), doing lines off of it. I just said “I’ll come back later” turned around and got the fuck out.
I hardly ever drink any more either,but I sure did when I was younger.
5. Dirty Martini, extra olives
4. Tanqueray and tonic- summer in a glass. I prefer a lemon garnish
3. Champers, darling!
2. Wine, sometimes red, sometimes white, sometimes green. Vinho verde! And tawny port after dinner
1. I like beer. It makes me a jolly good fellow.
Olives are nutritious vegetables!
Make them blue cheese stuffed and you have most of the food pyramid covered!
I’m intrigued by the Mexican tequila shot. Will have to try with my parent’s tequila collection.
I used to drink a lot of tequila, for some reason it started to give me heartburn. No mas!
Keyboard Gato!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCir2lQei8M
That gato was muy pissed off.
My go to order was a bourbon rocks.
This was because I know A LOT about bourbon (from years working as a busboy and bar back), so I could hear the bartender tell me what they had, and then either try to sound cool by discussing the choices, or decide that I wasn’t a fan of the bar. Also, any bar that didn’t free poor was not a spot for me, so I checked that first.
Bourbon is also great because you can drink it fast, if need be, or sip it slowly.
Was any particular brand your favourite?
If you’re in Texas, ordering Balcone’s or Garrison Brothers flexes your Texan.
Blanton’s is a favorite but I rarely found it in bars when I was going ~2003-2017
Favorite bourbons at bars
1) Willett Pot Still (very good and the bottle gets peoples’ attention
2) Makers Mark Cask Strength
3) Knob Creek
4) Buffalo Trace
5) Eagle Rare 17
Honorable Mention: Michter’s American Whiskey (it technically isn’t a bourbon but has the flavor profile of one)