Tonight’s post category again comes from my dirty dirty dirty mouth. As I mentioned last weekend, one cannot call oneself an American if one cannot use the word “fuck” in at least 25 different ways.

We all have our different and preferred ways of using the word. The defining thing about idioms is that unless you know the proper usage, you can’t readily understand what the phrases mean just by listening or reading them and I LOVE that! Tonight I’m discussing my favourite ones.

As I mentioned in the first post, the plan is for this to be an ongoing off-season series on Saturday nights in which I present to you my five favourite somethings and then you comment and tell me:

• How I’m wrong
• Your Top Five
• Suggestions for the next top five list

Without further ado, I present to you my Top Five American Idioms or Phrases that use the F word!

1 – Give a Fuck

This one has so many variations that make it a clear #1 for me. I don’t give a fuck, commonly abbreviated as IDGAF, is a good one but I also enjoy counting the number of fucks I have to give.

I like to make it seem like I’m adding numbers in my head, look up, and then tell the person I’m with, “carry the one, okay! It’s a grand total of zero fucks I have to give!”

Pros:

You can get really creative with this.

The more elaborate the phrase you use, the more insulting it is.

Cons:

Can also work with “shit”, which makes it seems less special.

2 – What The Fuck

I think this is the quintessential “fuck” phrase. It means nothing literally but it means the world as an idiom.

I like to add the word “actual” for a little extra emphasis.

In this world of texting and acronyms, it’s commonly expressed as WTF, but I don’t like using it that way. Not saying the word “fuck” lessens the impact.

Pros:

So good that it’s universally known and understood in all English-speaking countries.

You can combine it with a facial expression like in the gif above for extra effect.

Cons:

It is, apparently, not work appropriate! Who the fuck knew??

3 – Fuckup

I have referred to people as “fuckups” ever since I was a kid. Back then, we added words to indicate the level of fuckup. Low level was plain “fuckup”. A little higher was a “real fuckup”. A little higher still was a “total fuckup”. Your highest level was a “complete fuckup”.

The plural, of course, is “a bunch of fuckups”.

One thing to note is that “fuckup” can be used to describe a person or a mistake. I prefer to use it to describe people because a lot of people are mistakes.

Pros:

A handy dandy noun for all occasions!

Cons:

Too many people get upset when you call them this. It’s not my fault they’re fuckups! I just helpfully point it out.

4 – Shut The Fuck Up

My favourite usage is in the picture above. A nice cup of shut the fuck up is such a perfect image.

You can use it to give a sense of urgency when a simple “Sh!” doesn’t get the job done. You should say it, “shut the FUCK up!” for even more emphasis. Or play around with which word you emphasize for funsies.

Pros:

This is a very fun and useful phrase.

Cons:

People get offended when you tell them to shut up whether you add the “fuck” or not.

5 – Abso-fucking-lutely

This one is a favourite from the Sex and The City days. Okay, let’s have a conversation about Mr. Big. My assumption is that the nickname originated from his dick. Some people are trying to tell me that it was because he was a big shot in business.

That’s a bunch of horseshit, right?

I think it’s the greatest nickname a boyfriend could get from his girlfriend.

And that’s the only way that’s a cool nickname. If anyone else gives it to you, it’s sad and pathetic.

Pros:

It’s unexpected and a pleasant surprise when you pull it out (GHOST OF TWBS: “LIKE MA DICK!!”)

Cons:

Some people just don’t get it.

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What say you in the comments?