REMINDER: This year, we’ve chosen to open up Team Previews for audience participation. We’ve had several brave volunteers, but the following are still available:
C-Hox
Giants
Tampa Bay
Panthers
Falcons
So if you’d like to try your hand, reach out to me at [email protected] and we’ll get you set up.
NFL NEWS
-COMMANDERS CHAOS: Whelp, just in case you thought things would be smooth sailing for the Washington Former Redacteds after getting rid of Little Danny Snyder- your new offensive coordinator is apparently a fucking nutjob martinet, even by NFL coaching standards. Head coach Ron Rivera revealed that “a number” of players had come to him because they were “a little concerned” about the level of intensity of new offensive coordinator Eric Bieniemy. After ten years in the shadow of noted player’s coach Andy Reid, Bieniemy has apparently gone Full Metal Coughlin in his new gig.
A month and a half ago, ESPN did a puff piece with the cliche angle that Bieniemy’s shout-and-make-them-run-it-again approach was Molding Young Men Into a Unit and that he was the Tough But Fair Drill Sergeant. “Rivera said players see the results from the yelling and don’t take it personally.”
Apparently they fucking do, Ron. Remember: most of these players have come up through the high school and college ranks being screamed at, made to run until they puke, playing through injuries For The Good of the Team, etc. While every group of professionals will have some divas, Bieniemy must be doing something extra special to have multiple players express concerns to the guy who hired him before the coin toss in the first preseason game.
Asked for comment, Bieniemy promptly doubled down on clichés AND went Third Person:
“Eric Bieniemy is who he is. Eric Bieniemy knows how to adapt and adjust,” he said. “Eric Bieniemy is a tough, hard-nosed coach. But also understand, I’m going to be their biggest and harshest critic, but I’m also their No. 1 fan because I’ve got their back and I’m gonna support them at all times.”
I’m one of the many, many people who ascribed Bieniemy’s continuing failure to get a serious look as a head coach to the systemic racism pervading team executive and ownership suites. And given some of the guys hired over him (Jonathan Gannon, Adam Gase, Dennis Allen, Urban Meyer, Nathaniel Hackett, Joe Judge, Matt Rhule etc.) I stand by that conviction. But maybe- just maybe- being an angry Mike Singletary/Boss Todd knockoff in the modern NFL played a little role as well. At least he hasn’t dropped his pants on the practice field to make a point. Yet
-THIRSTING FOR KHUNT In the wake of Alvin Kamara’s three game suspension to start the season, the Saints have signed brought in for a visit free agent running back Kareem Hunt. [Edit- it was orginally reported that he was signing with the Saints. Now he is apparently visiting the Clots tomorrow, in an effort to further antagonize sole proven weapon Jonathan Taylor]. Hunt, you may recall, was originally cut loose from Kansas City for physically assaulting a woman while not being as talented as Tyreek Hill. He then served a four year sentence in Cleveland.
-(ALLEGEDLY) SHITTY RICH PEOPLE: Texans minority owner Javier Loya has been charged with rape and several varieties of sexual abuse in Jefferson County, Kentucky. In related news, the Cleveland Browns have traded two first round picks to Houston for Loya.
-GET THEE BACK FROM WENTZ THEE CAME- free agent quarterback Carson Wentz staged a workout wearing bits of each former uniform, like a shell-shocked Napoleonic soldier retreating across the Neimen:
NON NFL RAMBLINGS:
College football is imploding.
Fusion is closer and closer.
Ambient temp superconductors might or might not be A Thing.
The floggings will continue until morale improves:
ISSUE THE SIXTH: BEST DISCWORLD NOVELS
After a Blue Sky conversation yesterday, it occurred that I had not made any ex cathedra statements regarding which of Sir Terry Pratchett’s glorious comic novels are objectively the best. The rules:
*Mainline Discworld only- otherwise Good Omens would top the list. So no Wee Free Men either.
*Novels only- Eric is great as a graphic novel, and the Science of Discworld series is good, but novels only.
*None of the Tiffany Aching books. Haven’t read them, because I know what happens and thank you, no.
1. Thud!
2. Thief of Time
3. Night Watch
4. Monstrous Regiment
5. Going Postal
6. Jingo
7. Hogfather
8. Fifth Elephant
9. Reaper Man
10. Small Gods.
Oook.
I’m going to bed, chuckleheads!
Eric Bieniemy is just trying to make the team not a bunch of losers. Too bad they won’t listen to him and will be dog shit for another year. Fuck off, Washington He Who Can’t Be Named.
Maybe I’m missing context, but from the article it didn’t sound like there was really a problem. Dotson’s quotes were largely positive
Possibly a planting a seed in the event the offense sucks.
I wouldn’t have thought it would ever be necessary again to “plant a seed” in a team where Rex Grossman once played.
Not sure about Dotson saying that though. He’s a team player. Not saying that is a fault, but he’s been giving out praises to his team a lot thus far. Just taking what he says with a grain of salt. No one wants to be that guy who brings discord to a team.
Robert Smith at his finest
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6PgftKbQnQ&ab_channel=TheArkive
It would be great if we could banner a YouTube video.
Hey I love both bands. So they’re kinda the same (snickering)
I love that we have enough lore that we need a wiki.
I’m too lazy to do that, mind you. Just that’s it’s cool that we do.
I have this fantasy of someday doing an oral history of DFO that would cover a lot of the inside jokes. I’ll get around to it as soon as I finish writing this script for “Harold and Kumar F Up the Timeline”.
My favorite part about the DFO story is when Rikki and Revan had butt sex, taking turns being the dom, and each giving birth to children through the Goatse method, Brick and Covalent Blonde.
Buddy’s too.
I have standards, you know.
Two words: “Fun Dungeon”
Just read that a restaurant my family has been going to for years, and I’ve started bringing Sharkette to, is closing. In it’s place? Fucking condos.
Lame, especially since people who live in condos like to eat at restaurants too, so they could have made an effort to keep it
There’s a really good Indian restaurant in Birmingham that had to close because the building was torn down for condos. I just saw today that they are reopening in a new location, yay! The restaurant’s name is Taj, so you know it’s awesom!e
There’s (supposedly) a housing shortage and an obesity epidemic, so it seems like a good trade to me
well how else you gonna make baby condos?
They’ll build another Chuck E. Cheese, don’t worry.
…and in good surprise, but sad because its a surprise, Ohio has voted in favor of Democracy!
Hang On Sloopy – YouTube
Ohio Issue 1 results: Voters reject effort that would make it harder to amend state constitution, CNN projects | CNN Politics
I’ve lost my editting privileges, apparently.
I’ve lost my “editting” privileges”?
I am very happy to see this. Way to go Ohio!
I love all the Discworld books, but Wee Free Men is one of my favorites of all time. CMOT Dibbler is my favorite character, but it seems I love the side characters more than most of the main characters – Nobby Nobs, Fred Colon, Detritus, Death of Mice, Lord Vetenari, and of course Carrot and Agua.
It’s a treat when Detritus becomes cold/smart
The concept of the pork bellies “futures” was absolutely hilarious. I just remembered that after listening to Monstrous Regiment my kids would claim things were an “Abomination unto Nuggin” if they did not like them, particularly food.
Looking at Went’z shitty tattoo I’m reminded of the kid at my gym who has “I can do all things through Christ who sustains me” on his bicep. I want to get “I can do all things through Cthulu who sustains me” on mine in response, but the problem is that he’s a lot bigger than me and I’m not sure I’ve got the room.
Also per my last conversation with Cthulu the relationship between you two has deteriorated to a point that it could best be described as “strained” and I think you would be playing with the wrath of the Old Ones if you were to expect It to “sustain you”.
Figures that passive-aggressive asshole told that to you instead of coming to me.
I would issue him a series of challenges to confirm that he can do “all things”
Start with the “chug a gallon of whole milk without puking” challenge, and move on to other stuff featured on Jackass or Tik Tok
Ooh, the ‘spoonful of cinnamon’ challenge!
Offer to spot for him when he’s bench pressing a lot of weight….
Fluminesne won, like I told Litre was a SURE GODDAMNED THING.
Now, we see if he listened.
Was watching. 90th minute, then a brawl ensued was delish!!!
Contemplating a glass of wine to wash down my cough medicine.
Call me Jamarcus cuz it is poured.
That pounding on the window is Other Hippo.
He do like sum Purple DRANK!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsoMVxtKlGM
Mmmmmm sizzurp!
.
Balls, you should 100% go see Cracker, the rest of those shows seem like a crueler alternative to Supermax imprisonment.
I’m not going to any concert any time soon.
Area 15 in Vegas looks interesting though…
Um, is Wentz’s tattoo the Jesus fish made out of a bent nail that went through the 2x4s?
Nailed it!
(Chrissie Hynde voice): Way to go O-hi-o
Turnout was presidential-election level at our polling place. Which was not our normal polling place. Evidently the ratfucking didn’t help Issue 1.
“They let a minority be an owner!?”
-Jerry Richardson
Still can’t find The Cure/Cult…
https://www.stubhub.com/performer/1941?AffiliateID=49&adposition=&PCID=PSUSGOOCONTHECC8D6ED03C39&AdID=654604488655&MetroRegionID=&psc=&psc=&ps=&ps=&ps_p=0&ps_c=18141833643&ps_ag=140506054957&ps_tg=kwd-297830856375&ps_ad=654604488655&ps_adp=&ps_adp=&ps_fi=&ps_fi=&ps_li=&ps_li=&ps_lp=9032018&ps_n=g&ps_d=c&ps_ex=&gcid=C12289X486&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paid-search&utm_sub_medium=prospecting&utm_term=nb&utm_campaign=18141833643%3adefault&utm_content=default&keyword=140506054957_kwd-297830856375_c&creative=654604488655&utm_kxconfid=s2rshsbmv&kwt=nb&mt=e&kw=the+cult+in+concert&gclid=Cj0KCQjwz8emBhDrARIsANNJjS48uw8IpOq-8WLhC6IRs9RtPsM7lNGga4xjQvXmya5fGbl_78WCRgoaAlyXEALw_wcB
The cure for the cult is basic literacy, right Gumby?
You were her fave, nawt anymore.
Nah, it’s funny. I’m not mad about it! Gumby tends to hold a grudge forever, but he’s not on here, so neener.
When I first read it I thought why the fuck are The Cure playing at a casino when they have sold out every arena venue on this tour???
I just figured they added some dates. It never occurred to me he would make a mistake like that. He must have hit the edibles hard that day!
You want 2 tickets, lol!
I’m gonna take a slightly different route and choose my favorite Discworld book for each major group of characters
City Watch/Sam Vimes: Night Watch
Wizards/Rincewind: The Last Continent
Witches: Witches Abroad (Nanny Ogg is my fav)
Death: Soul Music
Tiffany Aching: I Shall Wear Midnight (with cameo from Esk!)
Moist von Lipwig: Raising Steam
Others: The Truth
Pyramids is maybe a tie in the Others category too
I contend Pyramids is vastly underrated.
I need to reread Night Watch. That and Small Gods were so fucking good.
I can’t pick a favorite, but this is a good list. I need to read or reread his stuff, it’s been awhile.
The price of salted, cured meats in this country is too damn high!
Come up north my friend, cheese is worse. I plan to have a suitcase full of cheese from Trader Joes when I leave Vegas in November.
Well sure, but you guys get all that Moose Cheese for cheap so it balances out
The Killers would be worth seeing.
Worst show I have ever seen.
I’d go to this.
Ask Gumby to get you tickets!
/ Dials 911
// Gets arrested
Well played.
My wife’s seeing him with Earth, wind and Fire tonight, like now
How Gumby Could Have Done It: I read this too quickly and thought, “Isn’t Kenny Rogers dead?”
Paging BallsOSteel please come to the house phone.
https://twitter.com/CNN/status/1689052898057994240?s=20
Door Dash thing. It’s interesting…
I have seen Bienemy’s M.O. before
https://www.theonion.com/saddam-hussein-rules-over-cell-with-iron-fist-1819567245
Witches Abroad has got to be up there
And the Tiffany Aching books are absolutely worth reading
“Tiffany Aching” sounds like someone who Steve McNair would have had a lot in common with, and maybe should have dated instead of…you know.
Doktor Zymm has had enough of this motherfucking traffic on this motherfucking bridge!
https://youtu.be/05KKcAU4CEs
In the almost 6 years I’ve lived here, I think I’ve only driven over the Bay Bridge 3 times? It’s a very well engineered bridge, but the traffic flow onto and off of the bridge is horrendous. When something is called ‘the Maze’ you should really try to avoid having it on your commute
Yeah. And always try to avoid Spaghetti Junction.And Interstate 10.
You have to think one of these RB-thin squadrons eventually take a KHunt punt
Supposedly the Saints are going to
It just kind of came to my attention this morning that I am in Detroit next week.
My mom says I’m gonna get killed.
She shouldn’t worry, it takes years to eat enough of their delicious Detroit-style pizza to cause fatal coronary issues
I am going to get some DEEP DISH while in town.
“Those kids were having the times of their lives!”
– Texans Minority Owner Javier Loya’s Attorney
I’ll take the Mighty Giants-I just forgot to confirm.
Woo!
I always liked Granny Weatherwax & Nanny, so I’d put “Equal Rites” or “The Wyrd Sisters” in there somewhere.
Ooo. Or “Carpe Jugulum” That’s a fun romp with witches, vampires, and an Igor.
Carpe Jugulum always felt like one that sounded better on the book jacket than in execution. Same with Making Money and Lords and Ladies.
I love the ending of Carpe Jugulum, it’s clever and funny in classic Pratchett fashion
‘specially the bit with Igor and his faithful dog “Scrapth”. Loved that.
Yes.
Speaking of THUD – Problematic, but, well, he’s not wrong…
“When listing the 20 quarterbacks he thinks “are not getting to a Super Bowl,” Cowherd included former Commanders and Steelers quarterback Dwayne Haskins, who died in April 2022.”
https://www.si.com/extra-mustard/2023/08/08/colin-cowherd-lists-dwayne-haskins-segment-current-nfl-quarterbacks
You can never count out the heart in a player, the fortitude in a person’s soul, and the chance that the COVID virus and vaccine will unleash the zombie apocalypse.
It would be in very poor taste, but a video game featuring zombie versions of dead NFL players would probably be a hit
If you defeat Aaron Hernandez you get a shotgun.
True, but as he was hit by a garbage truck, I don’t think his arm & hand are going to have the structural integrity for a tight spiral…
Whoopsie!