I feel the same way every year-excited to see the season running on all cylinders (much like Brick) and a wee bit anxious, knowing I’ve got so many of these intros to write up. Whatever, focus on the positive, Scotchy.
I do enjoy very much watching the players and am continually stunned at the physical ability that they possess. I love the strategizing, the in-game decisions made that create differing outcomes. (Hippo has a sixth sense about this) And of course I love Hippo’s Monday morning breakdowns. The anticipation of knowing that the season will bring outrageous moments of all kinds deludes me into thinking that I can still feel things. That’s important!
Squidgy Bits:
-Kelly Stafford, the raging Id married to Matthew, said on a podcast that her husband was having trouble jelling with the young ‘uns on the team. So of course Matt has to address the media about it. Stir that pot woman, put your guy on the spot.
-The Raiders were more than a bit concerned about the mental health of Chandler Jones, to the extent that they sent a crisis team member to his house. Allaying all fears, Jones took to social media and shared this IN ALL CAPS FASHION. Everything is just ducky there.
-Good News! Jimmy Graham won’t be charged by the brave and concerned police of Newport Beach for having a “medical episode”. Back the Blue people.
To The Game!
Lions/Chiefs:
-The Over. Take It: The last time Goff and Mahomes threw down the final was a beefy 54-51 final in favor of the Rams.
-For those that have Kelce, his knee is a true game-timer so pay attention. Noah Gray’s family members completely deny that the pushpins in their possession are being used for anything but the hemming of pants. Why, that doll looks nothing like Travis anyway!
-Jahmyr Gibbs (why the ‘h’?) is reaching for the sky, saying that his goal this year is 1,000 yds rushing and 500 receiving. Only McCaffrey reached those totals last year but Gibbs does have very fresh wheels.
-The Chiefs have scored no less than 33 points in their opening game since Patty wandered over center. Plus, Andy’s record is quite impressive when he’s had seven months to prepare.
-Prediction Time: Kadarius Toney will limp off the field at some point.
-Prediction Time 2: Justyn Ross of K.C. will score a TD, justifying my selection of him in Hippo’s “Math Hurts!” league. (no, I’m not playing him)
Have at it!
My bedsheets are full of enchilada sauce. The good news: it’s a continuing situation.
NFL on laprop and straight degradation wooooo!
My bedsheets are full of enchilada sauce
Please tell me this is a metaphor
Don T right now (artist’s conception):
cagón jamás
Gotta say it-NFL sked-makers got this one right.
Brian extended a branch to get that pick 6.
Everybody knows you only pitch bread ideas to Oprah.
Nice “catch” there by Kadarius Toney.
Somewhere in Canada Scotchy puts his feet up on what we’ll charitably call an elephant’s foot ottoman, takes a big sip of brandy, and happily says “not my problem anymore.”
I can’t plus this enough.
Toney is dead to me.
PICKEREPTION! DETROIT!!!
I got a fuck-around-and-find-out-lion now come fuck with me.
Well, well, well. Lions TD!
Go for 2 Campbell you pussy!
SUDDEN CHANGE!
lions…defense?!
It was happenstance but I’ll take it.
SUDDEN CHANGE BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE AT BEST IT WILL BE A TIE!!!
I CALL JARED GOFF A PLATE OF CLAMS BECAUSE IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH PRESSURE TO EXPOSE HIS WEAKNESS.
PICKERCEPTION!
ah my fellow fat hump brethren indycar gets a mention
nothing says “we are a sport run by dumb hoosiers” like a sport that has its championship round being held on kickoff sunday
My ice barrel arrived today. I did two mins in under 50 degree water.
And that was after adding 80 lbs of ice blocks.
Which is PROBABLY how Deshaun Watson should have chosen to recover in HOU.
Jesus, just pay for air conditioning.
Or, you know, use your bathtub
THIS U.S. OPEN WOMEN’S SEMIFINAL I CALL IT ANDY REID LOOKING AT A DESSERT MENU BECAUSE IT’S A VICTORY FOR COCOA!
kinda odd kc doesnt draft players with names that have a food reference
It’s a player safety/anti-cannibalism codicil in their bylaws.
2nd and 10, run it right up the middle.
THAT’S BLUE-COLLAR FOOTBALL RIGHT THERE!! AND ALSO REALLY DUMB!!
Dan Campbell took voice lessons from Ed Orgeron and got a B-.
“BEAH MAHNUS”
-Ed
I’m super duper high and laying on my couch, but holy matron saint do I want to punch Collingsworth Jr.
Like that’s how much his stupid face bothered me. I had to actually put in effort to announce it.
Have we done a Punchable Faces Mock Draft?
Not yet.
Odds I’ll remember this by next off-season? Slim and none.
I think we discussed it, but couldn’t settle on whether political figures were allowed. I remember being laser-focused on getting Chris Kattan in the early rounds.
Lowratio will remember. He remembers everything.
Bryson Dechambeau is my top pick.
I know there’s such a thing as nepotism, but I don’t appreciate having it rubbed in my face.
“Just so you know, rubbing things in people’s faces can get you sent to prison.” – Kellen Winslow Jr.
“Or not.”- Peyton Manning.
Cow-Centric News Not Related to Horatio Update:
This morning I almost ran over Bessie. There are many Mennonites in my environs and their bovines are transitioning to different fields. I came up over a blind corner and Bessie was right there, willing to jump onto my windshield and force me to pay her out on an insurance claim. Bastardess!
Why are the Mennonites’ cows changing careers? Are there good service jobs there?
They told them the beef futures are way up versus milk futures.
Is this how you explain the blood all over everything?
The cows seem to have adopted the copse of trees and brush at the neighbor’s yard across the street. I believe they’re tired of me chasing them out of my yard with a leaf blower.
Also they’ve eaten most of the apples anyway.
Going to the town meeting Monday to talk about the need for an ordinance addressing wandering cattle, which is not something I though I’d ever be doing.
This is extremely not what I’d pictured.
You don’t usually hear “copse of trees” outside of Gettysburg
I hit a goat one time. It was somewhere in the Transkeii. Broke one of my turn signals, but he ran off so I think he was okay.
In what alternate universe is Captain Bluebunny a great play caller?
A high school sacrificed their Homecoming float for Maria’s outfit tonight.
It was a choice, that’s for sure. But she’s rocking it, as much as it can be rocked.
The behind the scenes for that Bristol Meyers Squibb commercial must be hilarious. “Now hold your arm up like you’re talking to someone on facetime. No, you’re not going to be holding a phone, do you see the giant camera rig here? Imagine that’s your phone. Just hold your arm out as far as you can and act like it’s not weird at all”.
What are we drinking? I’ve got a Fluffy Hazelnuts Porter from Odyssey.
About to make a margarita. Spoiler alert for tomorrow morning.
Hell yeah.
Jameson and opiates. I call it the Janice Joplin.
Breakfast starts in 2 minutes so gonna get some coffee and/or juice!
I had a glass of vermentino, and quite a few hits off an infused sativa preroll. They call me mellow yellow. Quite rightly.
Chris Simms looks like a wish.com Jason Garrett.
Chris Simms looks like someone tried to draw Jason Garrett from memory.
I hope someone kicks Hutchinson and his parents in the nuts.
especially his mom i hate her nuts most of all
She has the biggest chorizo and twin nuggets in the family,
“Same.” *sigh*
-D. Favre, Hattiesburg MS
Your search history must be magical
I can’t think of a guy I trust more to spike the ball than Jared Goff.
Sometimes on purpose!
Shit, I stepped away and thought halftime already happened.
oh, so YOURE the new lions def coordinator
Much as I enjoy an underdog, the weird offseason of Lions fans calling the Jets overrated following the Rodgers trade and acting like missing the playoffs was a sign of future success makes seeing the Chiefs punch them in the mouth more satisfying. Like, you’re the Lions. We’re the Jets. It’s like if vomit accused diarrhea of being pretentious.
One gets tired of all the knob-slobbering. But Mahomes really is fucking good.
lions d has that “early 90s saints defense with great pass rushing and awful everything” vibes going on
The Dome Patrol Defense
When you mix hall of fame linebacker talent with replacement level everything else. And Jim Mora!
Tall Receiver sighting.
DID HE PLAY BASKETBALL THO
Is he from Detroit?
I’m starting to believe in the Lions pass rush.
This comment aged like milk.
Pass rush is good. Fleshwound is spot on regarding the secondary.
coverage? no so much
Will Internet Dad stop by the clubhouse before going back out for smokes?
I’ll be honest with you all: I’ll have tonight’s game on in the background this evening, but most of my attention will be on an ambitious project, allegedly in a completed state at last at incredible expense and about a year late, that in all likelihood will still be crippled by various issues there was no time or money left to fix.
Sorry, what’s that about the Broncos? I’m playing Starfield.
I was tempted, but I think I’m gonna get Baldur’s Gate 3 and let Bethesda fix their game.
If I’m going to be straight about this the game’s been pretty solid so far. I got both, and am putting BG3 on the back burner for the moment.
I remember Jared Goff! He used to be on billboards in L.A., staring at Angelenos with his soulless lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn’t seem to be living, until he fucks up the play in new and interesting ways.
That’s why they went and got a bigger stadium in LA.
Can always tell a Milford Man when the pass rush gets home
The Detroit Lions, they’re in this thing.
Yes Cris, the score is tied.
They are indeed still in the game.
In his defense, it’s the lions.
They’re they only team in the league who’s win probability goes down even when they have the lead
Yes, but I hate Collinsworth. If he was on fire, I’d piss gasoline on him.
2023: Expend4bles
2025: Expendable5
2028: Expenda6les
2031: Expendab7es
Just popping to celebrate MOST GLORIOUS FOOTEDBALL RETURNING.
Cheers, and same ol’ Fuck Loins.
Marques Slocum can have ’em.
Hutchinson’s parents are a steroided 50+ yr old and a bottle blonde. Where were they on 6/11?
I just spent two months with a Tesla and I absolutely love it and I’m big on electric cars. However, that Hyundai commercial (and they make great EVs) made me hate electric cars. I hated everybody in the commercial and everything they stood for.
That’s why you get a shotgun rack as an accessory
You’re absolutely right in so many ways!
aidan hutchinson’s mom looks 27
I was wondering if that might have been sister, mom on other side? But if so, hide her from MILF-hunter Z for sure
Are there normally this many commercials during a football game? Has lesser footy spoiled me too much?
This is why the NFL is unwatchable with the volume on
This is why Redzone is the way. So many gambling ads.
In response to the razzle dazzle joke
Gentlemen.
Fat Sean will save us, yeah?
We put our trust in Flab Paycheese.
Look who showed up!
I mean come on “look who SNOWED up” was RIGHT THERE.
I think we reserve that for Irsay.
Are the Academy Awards on this Sunday or some shit?
/I kid, I kid
Welcome, sir.
now THAT’s the good ol lions i know
Look at Detroit, acting like their
peoplea football team!Oof, the timing on that comment couldn’t be blurst.
It was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room, a dream about Detroit being a football team
“It’s really surprising how confident Jared Goff looks” is not exactly what you want to hear in the 8th season for a number 1 overall pick.