Yes, all good things must come to an end. But first, we have Lesser Footy – which thankfully is fairly infinite its benevolence.
No Early Bird fixture, nice of the Prem to be considerate of how late we had to stay up to watch the last PAC-tion title game. Arsenal hosting Wolves is your TV fixture in the 10:00 window (USA), what’s with all this Wolvery of late? Everyone just really wants to marvel at Handsome Mikel and his Gooner band. True championship contender this season, methinks. Remember that Hippo is usually wrong.
Streaming options are Boo-urnely/Knifey and Bees/Luton. Woof.
In a strange Spotlight Dance, the Robins Hood welcome Very Naughty-Boxed Everton (12:30, NBC). The first iteration of “Angry Toffees” was a shittastrophe, hopefully they’ll focus better on the road this week. I will deffo be fat shaming the Robins Hood owner, and you can’t stop me.
Bonesaws host Men Untied in a late matchup (3:00, Peacock). Who’s more pissed off and/or angry about their midweek Shempions performance? Both are drawing to an inside straight just to stay alive, and likely underdogs even to parachute into Zooropa. I guess they can “focus on the League” starting…NOW!
For some reason, we get FOUR matches at 9:00 Sunday, with Chelski/Trashbirds being the TV choice (USA). Cherries hosting Villa seems more interesting to me (Peacock), but YMMV. We can also hope for Mighty Whitey to spill some Redshite blood at least (but we shan’t be watching).
City of Men take on reeling Spurs to end the weekend (11:30, Peacock), and man – this is some real overkill in trying to make folks sign up for Peacock. Don’t kill the golden goose, NBC. We like what you’ve done with your coverage, but everyone’s got their limits. I wonder if we will soon see Gonzo Pep, where he shrugs off their defensive shortcomings and tries for 5-2 wins every matchday. Be good TV, this.
Fansville Can Eat Shit Big Twaaaallllve Title Match – BDSM State (+15.5) v. Texas @ JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)
I don’t get this, Vegas. We all KNOW Steerfuckers South will panic at the enormity of the moment, just a matter of whether they recover in time to pull off the win. Humanity sure hopes not, but maybe the Orange Paddle aficianados prefer the world of pain.
MACtion Why Is This Not on Wednesday Title Match – Miami-OH (+8) v. Toledo @ House That Fuck LioUns Built (Noon, ESPN)
This is the only viewing option to Texans likely being happy. Be grateful you learned to love the Premier League. I guess this is the Battle FOAR the Even Shittier Parts of Ohio? Winning coach might get a promotion, too. Certainly at least a raise.
Mountain West Title Match – Boise State (-2.5) at UNLV (3:00, Fox)
There was a 3-way tie atop the MW, thanks to San Jose State’s upset win at UNLV last weekend. SJSU and Boise had not played, so the conference said “let the computers decide!” and SJSU is the one left out. Fucking strange shit. Not that anyone cares who wins this conference, until they merge into the 2-PAC. Barry Odom has done a nice rebuild job in Vegas, though.
SEC Paaawwwwlllll Means MOAR Title Match – Alabama (+5) v. Georgia @ Megatron’s Butthole (4:00, CBS)
Good heavens, we’ve made it to the meat course. Don’t worry if you miss the wafer thin mints on offer later. Just watch this, should be groovy. UGA still hasn’t truly been tested, which I think might come back to haunt them. Or really, I’m just looking for sommet to nitpick – these guys are really, really good. Roll Damn Tide lucked Damn out on the Plains last weekend, and if you want a narrative for them – playing with house moneys. Nick Saban would love to crash the party, too.
Murrika FUCK YEAH Title Match – SMU (+3.5) at Tulane (4:00, ABC)
What genius decided to put the lower-middle class games up against the SEC? Without staggering start times even a little bit? Dumb, dumb, dumb. But yeah, flip around to this one, winner likely gets the NY6 bid to the adults’ table. I’m pulling for Tulane, not because my high school mascot was also Green Wave – but because I read that SMU is no longer formally “Southern Methodist University.” As a Methodist who hasn’t been to church for like 12 years, I take that personally.
Sun Belt – WHY Would You Belt teh Sun?? Title Match – Happy Appy (+5.5) at Troy (4:00, ESPN)
No, this ain’t the Troi Boiz of Southern Californnia, but rather Troy, AL. Nobody would know that place exists if not for the football program. Anyway, Happy Appy is known as such because everybody in Boone is high af all the time. Hopefully, they remember to put their bowls away in the locker room, Alabama Jeebus ain’t no galdurn hippie YEEHAW!!
I saw Warren Zevon live at a great venue in D.C. called “The Bayou.” It was down under the Whitehurst Freeway back when Georgetown was an industrial area. It was great. That’s all gone now.
Holy Shit. I just shot a man dead in cold blood.
If any of you could pick me up and also hold this weapon for a few minutes I’d appreciate it. We need to trade clothes too, but not in a gay way. I’ll give you twenty bucks. Don’t worry, you’re safe as a kitten.
Here’s an aerial photograph of my workspace from an AR4050-20-Mod20 “Python” surveillance drone. This unit flew out of Oceana Virginia and was controlled from Joint Base Andrews in Maryland. They would have seen everything if I hadn’t been smoking a cigarette, which is odd because I don’t smoke.
The scene: Front yard of the Cornblower estate. Horatio is raking a pile of leaves onto a tarp.
Mrs. Horatio: (rounds corner of house) (possibly high). What are you doing?
Horatio: (Looks at leaves) (looks at rake) (looks at tarp). Is this a trick question?
Damn it georgia, you’re ruining my narrative!
-brocky. February 2017
Stole this:
==========================
Dear Arm & Hammer,
As your customer I would greatly appreciate in the future if you could affix warnings or perhaps bold letters depicting the words “MENTHOL” on the bottle of your “EXTRA STRENGTH PLUS” sinus rinse.
As a long time customer of your saline washes, I was left to assume that “EXTRA STRENGTH PLUS” referred to the sodium level in the saline spray. I stand corrected in my assumption. It actually means SPICY ACID BATH OF NOSTRIL LAVA.
This product set off an unexpected chain of events which led me to quite literally; shit my pants.
As with prior sinus rinses I inserted the nozzle into my nostril, tilted my head back, and began to spray the saline wash into my nose letting it work it’s way through my sinus canals. Suddenly, with a thunderous vengeance, the menthol activated. It felt like I had snorted pure wasabi. My whole head began to burn like a prostitute trying to enter the Vatican. I felt burning in places I had never felt sensations before. It was so hot, my third eye began to water. I can only describe it as my “inside face” had caught on fire. Meanwhile my teeth, armpits, and groin suddenly felt freezing cold. Parts of body began to tingle, as if my Spidey Sense was warning me that the worst was still yet to come.
This sudden combination of sensations prohibited me from leaning forward to let it drain from my nose into the sink. Instead, it began to run down the back of my throat sending me into an uncontrollable coughing fit, ultimately leading me to lose control of my rectal retention. Thus removing my ability to govern self control over my sphincter – which regrettably induced an episode of what I’d like to call “unexpected wet farts of despair.” I’d estimate, I coughed five times in total, whilst simultaneously farting each time. Each one sounding exactly like air escaping a balloons blow hole being pinched and spread apart. Crying out in a high pitched whine mimicking someone whispering the word “Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?” in a really really sad voice.
Take note Arm & Hammer: “Half blind, on fire, and shitting your pants,” were not mentioned in potential side effects. You may want to add that for legal purposes.
I implore your marketing and design department to have the word “VERY SPICY” printed on the front of the label. Along with “MAY SHIT PANTS.”
Your loyal customer,
Sean
Listen Heretic, if you had truly believed in the Emperor’s grace, the nasal deluge of the holy elixir would have given you grace, instead your heresy was explosively purged by the Emperor’s mercy. Ave Imperator!
– Inquisitor Armedandhammered of the Ordos Hereticus
CBS’ geriatric crew talking about Tebow for some goddamned reason/ I still think UGA is ded. They ain’t ready to play.
Another Bama kicker to add to Saban’s list of disappeared.
Outside of house. Done. So far, Mrs. Fozz has not discharged her sidearm.
jjfozz: a man of many contrasts
You should come down to Post #8 on Capitol Hill. As long as you Uber and don’t drive drunk I’ll pay for booze. It’s too late today but until 12/31/23 think about it.
That’s not that far from my house, definitely will give it some thought.
Grumpy priest at the funeral mass I attended today:
“So, can we say that [name of deceased] is in heaven right now? No, we can’t.”
I almost burst out laughing.
I asked my wife, who is catholic to the core, what the hell that meant.
“That’s a new one to me.”
Because libtards like teh Pope have to go to hell now, because right-wing priests and cardinals are infallible obvs
If you think I’m not bringing up the Pope at xmas eve dinner, you’re sadly mistaken.
I think you should use my sentence verbatim, if can keep a straight face during. They’ll think you converted and will review all their Q-anon “secrets”
“Fuck that Cardinal Burke! Am I right or am I right?”
I have this burning desire to set up a huge aquarium in my house. Someone please stop me.
Stop you? I double dog dare you!
You are just setting yourself up to be pissed off when your son or sons break it.
Look at Fozz, thinking he’s being koi.
I’m floundering on making a decision.
Throw some fish sticks in the oven and turn on the oven light. Just like a fish tank.
You know I wouldn’t be surprised if Somewhere a sportswriter was arguing that notre dame going undefeated in conference play warrants them a playoff spot
THEY SHOULD WIN EVERY GAME IN THE WORLD BECAUSE GOD IS ON THEIR SIDE
Oof!
Mrs. Fozz has decided to put the manger in a high traffic area of the house. Not one of those wise men is going to make it to Christmas day. Guaranteed.
Old Rick Neuheisel makes me feel ancient.
How many shotguns are discharged in the tailgate of an Alabama Georgia game?
All of them, Katie.
My rooting interests in playoffs:
1) Washington (fun team)
2) Any SEC team (Son of the South)
3) not-Michigan
4) not-Texas
My rooting interest: Revive the Chaos Gods of Old and unleash Hell.
Dropped TAJ off at LAX. He’s off to Maine to visit his youngest.
Then I ran a shit load of errands. Got some polishing compound and cleaned the batmobile. Doing a load of laundry.
And I’m recording the SEC championship.
Fuck it
I’ve earned these upcoming beverages.
“Everything’s coming up Milton!”
-Georgia announcer
Balls predicted Bama would be toast, too.
Georgia has a player with the last name of McConkey? I’m all in!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feHspQIXtQg&ab_channel=NewYorkGiants
Conkey?!
The ACC expanded in 2005:
Miami Hurricanes conference titles: 0
Miami Redhawks: 4
I just had the greatest omelette in the history of omelettes. Gruyere cheese and undisclosed herbs (possibly pot), at a traditional French bistro. I’m talking “old school” (ancienne école).
Where?
Cafe Colline
Arlington, Va
It’s hard to get traditional French cuisine in Los Angeles anymore. I think Taix was the last one and they closed. The others always get trendy and Wolfgang Fuck it up. Damn, just kill a rooster and make me a Coq au vin.
There’s one suggestion for next Season of Sunday Gravy!
You have to go all the way and kill the rooster too! And the rooster has to have a name and live with you as a pet for one week. Then WHACK! it never saw it coming. I’ll help (I’ll photograph it all)
After a week you’ll probably be looking forward to killing it.
Whomever moved in behind my parents’ house has three of the cocks. They really don’t shut up.
Point is, there’s going to be roast chicken at my place next weekend. Yinz are all invited.
I’m not sure about the owning for a week thing but I’ll chop that chickens head off with a quickness.
WAS EMILY IN PARIS THERE? DID SHE TAKE A PICTURE?
HOLY FUCK I’M STILL HAVING FLASHBACKS
Urge to game rising…
https://twitter.com/falloutonprime/status/1730985800559702394
“And the studio behind ‘The Boys'”
Oh wow, Buddy Cole’s into video games now?
Just got back from the mountains chopping down a tree. 10 dollars to the Junior Forest Rangers out there, or 100+ from a lot. I will be giving those kids money every damn year going forward. Deci loved it, and I feel so manly.
Now to get ready to serve rich people tonight.
Little full, lotta sap.
Surprisingly not a lot!! Was a 10/10 experience
That shit sticks on your hands for days!
Remember when serving the rich it is preferred that you serve with your testicles in full display.
“THIS IS THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO TOLEDO SINCE THE ALLIANCE WITH KING ORDONO OF ASTURIAS AND THE SUBSEQUENT LOSS AT THE BATTLE OF GUADACELETE!”
-Thomas Babington Macaulay, sports announcer
“Man, this dude likes obscure references” — Dennis Miller
That gave off some serious Europe Universalis vibes.
PAAAWWLLL ALMOST THERE PAWL PPAAWWLL PPPPPAAAAAWWWLLLLLLL
/Qb launches a really long pass
Me: “The wide receiver is white, he’s never going to catch up to it.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbgI3J59ZZc&ab_channel=MJEdwards
Does OSU stand for Our Scoring Unlikely?
Why is Ewers still in the game? Ah, nevermind. He quasi-ded.
Texas fans just had the same look Bengals fans had whenever Burrow takes the field.
“Miami/Toledo is the best game in this window” is not a thing that has ever been typed before.
Steerfuckers South hasn’t won a conference title in 14 years, a program-worst.
Former Stillers and future CTE-addled person Max Starks is doing the radio color commentary for the Big 12 Championship. He also does Stillers sideline stuff on gamedays.
OSU still ain’t the worst Cowboys squad to play in AT&T Stadium in the last few years….
Over/Under is 56.5
Can’t I go one damn week without an OSU team shitting the bed on the national stage?
“That’s what happens when your school initials spell out the word ‘FAIL’.” – Lea Michele
.
That’s being dedicated to the bit
That plate is gonna look real dumb on the next car
This was actually in the….not rural area.
Yes, if there’s one thing banks are known for, it’s being overly hospitable to poor people and minorities.
I find it so amusing that idiots in the US think they’re super smart when they think of politicizing something they think hasn’t been politicized before.
I could not think of a more perfect way to phrase this sentiment. Well done.
I didn’t know Mr. Potter opened a bank.
Nothing I like more than a relaxing morning watching Arsenal easily dispatch an overwhelmed opponent with no stress.
And someday I hope to find out what that’s like.
From the sportsball “action” to the overcast weather to the cat presence? It’s all coming up naptime, down Cakalaky way.
Getting some softwarmsnuggly, kitteh action? One of life’s great joys. Truly, you are blessed, brother.
Very much, good for the soul
This is probably the best banjo-centric version of Walking on the Moon you’ll hear all day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4iJH7rP_a8&ab_channel=FoggyMountainSpaceship
Managed to go to xmas Zoo Lights last night and no LDB!
I survived a holiday party Thursday without hearing it. I was stunned.
Another party at the Richie McRichardsons’ place? Or was it at the Van der Affluenters’ manor this time?
Bowling alley.
Like Nigeria, I am a land of contrasts.
We also zoo lighted last night. It was good.
It’s the curse and the rat fuck of Christmas lights time of the year. But so far still in the LDBC game at least.
This is the Christmas film I watch every December (fuck the rest oif it):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UIwFCzH3BI
Michigan Graduate Sues State After Custom ‘G0BLUE’ License Plate Was Reassigned | News, Scores, Highlights, Stats, and Rumors | Bleacher Report
I hate Michigan with the rage that rivals the entirety of the Red Lantern Corps, save for Dax-Starr (don’t look it up his origin unless you need a good cry), but how in the Hell do you give away someone’s custom License Plate number, let alone their dead fathers?!
A classic “Yes, BUT v. Bureaucracy” case. Plaintiff being a “III” only helps to retain expensive and therefore undefeated lawyers.
Texas is leaving the Big 12 and the Big 12 Championship is being officiated by Big 12 Referees.
We’ve seen how BLEERGH acts when they are impartial. We may see how BLEERGH acts when they are corrupt.
From your lips to God’s ears, hopefully. I’d love to see Steerfuckers South fuck this up.
And YES, Balls called the PAC-tion exactly right. Plus, Ayo been telling us to BOW DOWN! all season.
The important bit is.. please tell me you didn’t bet on us for today’s 2PM kickoff?
*3PM (against Wolverhampton)… also no edits still, I see… grrr.
I did not. Y’all is safe. Wolves are proper shite, though. King’s Afrikan Water Pistols in a dog-walking.
… don’t get my hopes up and then immediately jinx things with a prediction for an easy game. Might as well not risk it then and watch some holiday movies and just check up on the score after the final whistle
See??
We bossed the game against wolfy, they ain’t good.
#WhitePrivilege