TGIF! We are all in the grip of this month’s madness, so let’s get this post over with.
Survival – Personal Edition
Have to go to the bathroom? Stuck in traffic? Stuck on the couch watching a close finish to a game? No worries! Here’s how to avoid that time consuming trip to the bathroom. Note: this is only for #1 and for men. For #2 or female #1 advice, I suggest Depends.
- Alright, look, You’re likely to create a bit of mess of this. Arch that back to get your butt in the air and lay down some protective covering on your seat. Paper towels or newspaper work well here.
- Locate a container. Look for a cup with an open top or a resealable lid like a travel mug, soda cup, or sports bottle. You can also use a plastic water bottle, but you’ll need to widen the opening with a pocket knife or scissors. Do not use a glass bottle or aluminum can. The openings are too small and you do not want to get stuck in either one.
- Once you’ve found your container, empty it first. No need to risk and overflow situation. In the car, just dump it out the window, but avoid splashing other vehicles, people, or getting it on your car.
- If for some reason you are in violation of club house rules, now’s the time to pull down your pants. Have passengers that don’t want to watch? Grab a map and cover yourself first. If you’re in your car, you’ll need to do this step. Keep one hand on the wheel and use the other to undo your belt, unbutton, unfasten, or whatever your current pants situation requires to expose your dick.
- Position the container between your legs and tilt it at a 45º degree angle towards your dick.
- Get your pecker aligned with the opening of the container and do your business. Remember, you still need to have one hand on the steering wheel. Keep a straight face and turn up the radio to keep a relatively normal environment.
- When finished, put the container aside in a cup holder. Then use one hand to rebutton, refasten, or whatever your current pants situation requires to unexpose your dick.
- Dump out the contents of the container. In a car, dump it out the window and again don’t splash it on other cars, people, or your own car. If at home, just wait until you actually get off the couch and dump it in the toilet then.
That’s it! You have reached a new level of laziness in life, congrats!
Click here to get to commenting
Survival – Species Edition
Time to put the sexy in Friday!
Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!
My Italy trip didn’t work out and that’s a damn shame but the logistics and flight times didn’t work.
I’m still learning Italian on my language thing and it’s really an éasy language to learn if you know some Spanish and Mexican and Portuguese.
Probably won’t get much use in Ireland though.
That’s too bad, next time Buddy.
Ciao! This story ain’t over.
Bracket Update! Balls is currently leading with 27/32 picks correct, which puts him among the top 99.9% of all brackets submitted to ESPN. Not bad!
But he picked UCLA to win!
Ha!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8kSUDp2BC0
Media members are marveling that Carlos Sainz is competing just 2 weeks after his appendicitis surgery. Not sure why. I had appendicitis surgery a few years back. The common procedure is laparoscopic surgery which I had. That’s just 3 tiny incisions in your abdomen. Patients are released within 24 hours of a successful surgery.
I wasn’t as lucky, since I delayed going to the hospital until my appendix perforated, which is just before a full burst, but the result was still the same. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks with an abdomen drain while the doctors monitored for an infection. Also, I was kept there because due to the pain meds I was unable to poop and instead was puking up any solid food.
The point is, the day after my surgery I shared a room with another appendicitis patient. His didn’t perforate or burst, and he left and got back to his life just 24 hours after his surgery. Carlos is young and in great shape. He’ll be just fine this week as his position in first after Q1 shows.
Yeah, but how long before you were taking 4 or 5 Gs in a tight corner at 140 MPH?
Yeah Right, you watching Freo?
No! Oh shit!
Where can I watch?
Just finished but you should be able to see the replay in the Watch AFL app
Two weeks from tomorrow I’m traveling to that world renowned tourist Mecca of Indianapolis.
Best friend Jersey Mike is driving from fucking Jersey and picking me up at the airport in Indy and
Please don’t be cloudy!
Jersey Mike? The sandwich guy? Hope you do a Sunday Gravy with him!
My buddy was jersey Mike before jersey Mike the sandwich guy.
My buddy is old enough to be his dad.
Made a better sandwich too.
I was at a conference there above 15 year’s ago. Rather dull but we did get to go into Lucas Oil stadium for a grab ass punt, pass and kick thing. Since most of the others were drunk I kicked their asses.
That sounds like a good time.
First day after the flight, check in to my room, unpack, change your dirty ass plane flight clothes.
Walk a few blocks and get me a pork tenderloin sandwich!
I stayed a night in Indianapolis and my room was in a Pullman train car in a hotel.
WEIRD.
Yes we have reservations at St. Elmos and we will have the shrimp cocktail.
I usually don’t static stretch before a run, but I must have really over did it in the yard yesterday evening. I wish I had one of those mideval torture racks… or just a rack for that matter. Not sure how that would stretch me out but hey… Up for anything!
A good rack is always great.
They really motivate a fella
Remember when we were kids and you could fall off of your bike and knock the shit out of yourself?
And the next day you woke up early to prove the bike thing wouldn’t happen again?
But it happened again!
I don’t remember that either.
I wish I had back a fraction of that flexibility.
It’s like watching a cat that’s about 10 months old – the perfect athlete. There is nothing it can’t do, and nothing breaks on it either.
Hockey is a stupid and pointless game. Can’t believe I’ve spent any time watching this crap. Even more disappointed I’ve spent money on this useless and soulless enterprise.
Spoken like a season ticket owner.
OMFG. Ban hockey. Contract the Kraken. Embarrassing.
The thing about the Kraken is that they always try to walk it in.
Stupid team. Can’t wait to boo them on Sunday.
https://twitter.com/SeattleKraken/status/1771397303250911366
That 4th lady is doing it for me here Mr Ayo, sensational hustle Sir. Have used that survival hack on a number of occasions. And are there any V’s?
Always fascinated that everyone has a different favoUrite. Even more so that no one else’s favoUrite is the same as mine. I have two this week, both ignored by everyone else.
Although it’s likely that those that agree with me are likewise inclined to not disclose their proclivities.
The spice of life Buddy
I think I’ve made my proclivities pretty obvious. 1 and 5 are my faves although #4 is pretty darn amazing.
Couldn’t guess what two are Ayo’s faves.
2 and 8
That’s interesting because I don’t see the link between the two.
There is no link. That’s just the spice of life for me.
And just like that, ice VAR is totally redeemed!
Tomorrow I will once again attempt to hang the ceiling fan in my bedroom in Chicago, this time with the help of some spacers I ordered off Amazon, as well as all the stuff I need to minimize the space the wiring takes up. If it doesn’t work out this time I will officially give up for a few weeks
I suggest a proper indoor welding unit. That fan won’t budge for eons.
Listen to Ayo. He’s good at this.
Indeed. I installed my ceiling fan about a year ago all by myself and it’s worked flawlessly since then. No wobbling, no noise, no fires, no electrocutions.
You wants to avoids your electrocutions.
Dying
Sounds like wire nuts would not be helpful.
Come on Canyoneroooosssss!
I really thought Longwood would have more success in the home of Houston 500.
Found a funny:
dune appeals to the male fantasy because at its core, it is a story about a guy who has a lot of cool nicknames
Don’t forget that everyone gets to do drugs the whole time there
“I like the part where you never have to take a bath!” – Eli Manning
Eli would never, ever go near any rock in space large enough to house giant, subterranean worms.
Fair point; he still has nightmares from watching Tremors.
Mrs sharkbait went out to dinner with her sister tonight. Of course tonight is the night sharkette decided to launch herself into bed and banged her head on the windowsill. She’s got a nice little goose egg going where she whacked it. I definitely needed this drink I’ve got going.
Shitty vodka and a Big Turk are en route.
You join such luminaries as Weaselo, Spam, and Ayo!
Make no mistake, the shitty description of the vodka is a vast understatement. And the Big Turk is even worse.
It is how TWBS would want it.
At the Wine emporium, I bought 4 bottles of 30 dollar wine, 12 of “good” hard ice tea and the plastic bottle of vodka. The man looked at me.
“Ok, what is with the shitty vodka? You clearly can afford these wines, why this?”
“Dead guy FF pool”
Still haven’t opened the vodka; waiting for the right time vintage-wise.
Oh boy. It is easily worse than the Malort I drank last night.
Can any Chicagoans speak to the afterbirth like after taste?
I had some a while ago. It did suck.
I assume afterbirth would actually taste much better
You can probably also rinse the taste of afterbirth out of your mouth, while nothing chases away Malort aftertaste. Hmm, I wonder if utterly destroying your tastebuds with something stupidly spicy would help? Probably not, it would just be extra painful
How shitty are we talking here?
There’s a debate on which is worse and there’s nawt a concensis
I think dipping the Big Turk in the vodka would probably be the worstest
*Unwrapping the Big Turk optional
My Man!
So, Mr. Ayo, what happened with those stuck screws?
Yes! Screw and tell!
Too soon!
Ok, so I broke a couple titanium drill bits on them. The extractor bits don’t work without a drill hole. And the super glue idea was as bad as Doktor Zymm suspected.
HOWEVAH, I now have procured a set of solid carbide drill bits and whenever I next find myself sober and motivated, I will attempt to drill the screws again.
After that I will get some carbide center punches and beat the shit out of those screws and ruin the jet engine casing in the process.
If that doesn’t work, I’m going to find and learn how to use the smallest welding kit in the world to weld on an intact screw to the broken screw and loosen it that way.
I’m sure there’s no flaw or problems with any of these approaches.
Tiny welding sounds fun!
Find someone with a powerful laser!
Or a shark with a laser!
RANDOM WCS TOURNEY THOUGHTS NO ONE ASKED FOR
Dookweznee hasn’t been to the Tournament since since Squeaky Frome was taking pot shots at Gerry Ford. They hadn’t won a game since Nixon was bombing Cambodia.
Nebraska just lost their ninth game of nine total play in their Tournament history. That’s incredible in several, pathetic ways.
LOL ESS EEE SEE
Tom Izzo a damn warlock. There’s no other answer.
The state of Colorado is still liquid scheisse at JV foobawl (AF Zoomies somewhat aside), but their JV hoops game is STORNG.
UNC won’t make it past the Sweet 16. At best. Wolven Sort sort of have “random Elite Eight from ‘Underdog Power Conference’ this year.
HIPPO GON NAP O U NOE HE WILL BULLLEEE DAT
No #16 or #15 seed Cocainedellas this year. Oh well.
For the record, women can also pee in cups. It’s pretty easy.
So glad I have a toaster oven so I don’t have to microwave my leftover pizza like some sort of savage
Makes sense, given the urinal usage I’ve seen in the past.
That is quite the subject change.
I came here to say the second bit, then felt compelled to add the first bit after reading
THIS DOKTOR ZYMM I CALL HER DJ 3000’S MEMORY CARD BECAUSE SHE KEEPS ADDING BITS.
Catching up on F1 practice in Australia which reminded me I didn’t include my tirade on street circuits earlier.
I will correct that now by stating DEATH TO STREET CIRCUITS. My order of street circuits from worst to best:
6 through 8 I would keep on the schedule. The other 5 can fuck all the way off.
I lived in St. Kilda and you could hear the cars from the route at Victoria Park. Was incredible.
I will say I was astounded at the amount of Eurotrash that traveled down under for the event. Both at the bar that I worked at and at the race.
Unfortunately, they’re much quieter now with the batteries and turbos. No more N/A V12s and V10s with no exhaust howling down the straights.
It indeed was 2004. So ugggh 20 years ago. I have a hat from it on my wall!
Miss Fisher must have needed a strong cocktail to deal with the noise
That’s funny you don’t like Monaco considering it’s the most famous one.
I tend to agree, though. No passing zones.
It doesn’t make sense anymore with the size and speed of the modern F1 cars. The race is just the qualifying session. The race is just a ceremonial procession now. The only drama is if the pit crew fucks up or the very rare instance anymore of a car breaking down.
MOnaco as pretty as it is is too fucking tight.
Monaco was the first place I ever paid 10 euros for a gin and tonic. As long as there are stupidly rich people in Monaco they’ll keep having F1 there
Also, the Red Bull Ring track can fuck off with them as well. It’s great for MotoGP but terrible with F1 cars. So many stupid track limit violations there and a quite boring circuit to boot.
Sup
It’s perfect.
https://ibb.co/tPHMQnK
Bullshit, you can impersonate fake police all you want
Sexy Friday Appropriate?
Vermont ACL just blew up, poor kid.
Will be at the pub tomorrow which makes day 3. Guess I am on a bender.
Vermont is Hanging With Mr. Sheyer.
Running out of gas.
I was wondering how deep their bench was.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwikdkqYw6o
Could we manifest both Duke and Purdue losing? I have no money on either, just that would be good for the world.
Not this round. Grambling St needs their asses handed to them for what they did.
Lost me a bet. I agree.
Once you’ve found your container, empty it first.
Carefully.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFevH5vP32s
Hey, I put the necessary disclaimers in there!
Also, why are you people reading the blog? Just look at the pictures!
why are you people reading the blog?
Way of the road, Ayo. Way of the road.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb1KndrrXsY
“It was piss.”
-GG Allin, doing his best imitation of Ron Howard
Isn’t this a bit from dumb and dumber
Heard this today. Still appropriate:
https://youtu.be/vuJ2-i2_d2I?si=DrHuVTWhJZSXlFh4
You’re either assassinated or shitty enough that people want you to be
Holy shit that first pic!
Thought it might be too small for you. Glad to hear it wasn’t!
It’s perfectly shaped.
“No, no, it was perfect.” – Deanna Favre, telling a little white lie on her wedding night
We got a Ron Jeremy over here.