Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your host John Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between John Fecal, Jack Handey, Balls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the twenty-ninth edition of a potentially sporadically recurring irregularly scheduled Random Thoughts with BFC! Now also (occasionally) in open thread form! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open  attempt at an advice column.

• Howdy.  I’ve been derelict in writing lately, so here are some random thoughts.
• The NFL draft is rapidly approaching, and if you thought Rev was bullish on QBs projecting 5 to go in the first round, take a look at the horseshit the “professionals” are spewing on ESPN: Yates says four of the first five picks will be QBs, plus Bo Nix at 12 and Pe-nix at 36, and then 14 WRs between rounds one and two.
• Guess not everyone agrees with Brick on drafting linemen to build championships.  I do, though, so keep me on the good list.
• While I was getting ready for work and trying not to wake up Lady BFC the other day, I had a thought that I can’t decide if it’s brilliant or stupid:
  • Sound waves are like ghosts, in that they can go through doors, whereas light is more like a vampire in that it has to be invited into your home.
• Let that marinate, I guess. Feedback (possibly) welcome.
• I can’t explain why, but this song/old SNL but has been popping into my head randomly this week:

• Best work by Taran Killam outside of Community.
• Does anyone else throw doorfliesopen[dot]com in multiple browsers every time they’re at the Apple store or just me?
• How about some more travel observations? What percentage of missed flights do you think are from people actually in the airport but drunk at a bar? 10%? Significantly higher or lower?
• Bold move with the prominently branded Enron duffel bag, random dude on the train. How else can you tell the world either “I gave my all to and got fucked by this enterprise” or “I’m a huge fan of rampant corruption?” Other than a MAGA hat, of course.
• Since it’s April, it’s time for the annual reminder that there is absolutely no reason for us (Americans) to play a game of higher or lower with the IRS except for the fact that tax preparation service companies are very good lobbyists.
  
• Equally as bad as tax season, it is now definitely allergy season. And I know that because in the morning I feel like someone has snuck into my bedroom and done a reverse Egyptian pharaoh, shoving stuff up through my nostrils into my brains.
• My wifi has been garbage lately. Is it because I’m watching too much porn? Not enough? Unrelated to porn? Too much scrolling of Instagram to see things like a faux juggalo gen Zer repeatedly failing to do the Macarena?
• Full disclosure: I’m writing this without a specific publishing date in mind, so while I expect tax season and hayfever to be relevant/timely the White Sox’s record futility (scoreless all season, no wins since September 2023) may be somewhat improved upon by the time this post runs. However, this may be the funniest single thing I’ve seen in sports: they delayed the resumption of a game after a rain delay due to not having a first base coach.  Who was clearly taking a shit.

Ever seen a first base coach delay?

Thanks to the 2024 White Sox, now you have pic.twitter.com/48KRySh45t

— Talkin’ Baseball (@TalkinBaseball_) April 1, 2024

• Yeah, that’s fucking great.
• I guess this post is due a rant that’s a little more petty than the tax / allergy season one up there. Fine. There’s an ice cream place called Jeni’s that is headquartered in Columbus but has proliferated all across the country, especially in cities that I’ve happened to live in over the past 5ish years. Anyhoodles, they have my absolute favorite flavor of ice cream period, sweet cream biscuits and peach jam. It is fucking magnificent. Actually chunks of biscuits and peaches, this stuff lives up to its name and then some. But that’s not what the rant is about. Jeni’s, like all hipster ice cream, is really fucking expensive. And fine, a fat tax is a really good idea for me, and if the market is willing to bear that price, good for them. Here’s what I don’t get: a pint of Jeni’s ice cream is $12 at the ice cream shop(pe). Where I’m ostensibly buying it directly from them, no middle man layering in margin, additional cost of freight, loading and unloading, incremental refrigeration, etc. So how the fuck is the same pint of ice cream $9.99 at Whole Foods? That’s not a place known for its low low prices, and when you haul your ass to the point of origin, isn’t that where you’re supposed to get the deal? I’ve been seeing the same thing at some craft breweries, too. If I’m visiting the point of production as the point of sale (and tipping your fucking employees), how is it MORE EXPENSIVE than at a different retailer after all the incremental costs and margins have been layered on?  You’re either giving Whole Foods too good of a deal, you’re fucking me, or that ice cream is expired/tainted. But it’s still fucking delicious, so I may have to run over to Whole Foods tomorrow to grab another pint or two.
• Oh and Fuck Ohio.
• Alright, that’s enough of that, and we’re well over the league site minimum; how about a little fill in the blank to close us out?  “Baseball season is here, and while it’s obviously the far inferior sport to football, I still enjoy its _____________________.”