I have no overarching theme this week.  Keep those brains turned off and treat yo’self.

Fronk’s Hammers welcome Our Brand Is Crisis Chelski (7:30, USA), quite plausibly worth your asshole mind waking you up.  I mean, mine’s will regardless, why not look on the plus side.

I refuse to make any mention of the 10:00 TV match.  You should instead stream Fulham/Geordie Arabia, Very Disappointing Everton/Unded Jamie Vardies, and/or Spurs/Brentford (all on Peacock).  Perhaps Sean Dyche will win the Prem sack race with another loss here, but I doubt it.  We’d fuck up the next hire, anyway.  Pray for new ownership by the summer.

Spotlight is a tad dim this week, Palace hosting Men Untied (12:30, NBC).  As you will see below, the JV schedule ain’t so hot, neither.  Such is life sometimes.

Sunday’s USA double is a monster, with Trashbirds/Robins Hood (9:00) leading into Clash of the Titans, Take One – City of Men braving the assault of the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols (11:30).  Will we get an appearance from the distinguished Gov. Cecil Rhodes?  Surely, we must.

NC State (+20.5) at Clemson (Noon, ABC)

Heavy sigh.  Look, I don’t want to write about this any MOAR than you want to read about it.  But it’s really all this window has.  True freshman QB CJ Bailey will lead the Wolven Sort – who have been complete pants to date.  But Son de Clem are mediocre, and still ripe for the picking if the offense can click into gear.  I haven’t given up all hope, for which I thank drugs.  Drugs are good.

Florida (-6) at Mississippi State (Noon, ESPN)

Failure pile in a sadness bowl.  Losing coach might as well walk home (especially if its Billy Napier).

Southern Cal (-5) at Michigan (3:30, CBS)

I know UM sucks out loud, but I still have a hard time imagining Lincoln Riley’s Troi Boiz going into the Big House and winning their B1G opener.  This is tantalizing moneyline fruit.

Arkansas (+3) at Auburn (3:30, ESPN)

Sam Pittman is basically Fat Billy Napier – each loss just throws MOAR dirt over his grave.  With Pig Sooey’s schedule, there’s basically no way out.  A win on the Plains is a necessary predicate to mere survival.  War Damn Eagle…is really bad.

Arizona State (+3) at Texas Tech (3:30, FS1)

Guns Up! for the Satan del Sols, a surprising and mildly impressive 3-0.  They get their Big Twaaaaaalve opener in Lubbock, and I think this will be watchable.  Possibly even chaotic.  If not?  Fall the fuck asleep.

Team Secular Big Love (-2) at BDSM State (4:00, Fox)

Look, sometimes I use proper names, sometimes their HippoSpeak Monikers.  There is no rhyme nor reason to what I do.  DEAL WITH IT, Murrika.  Winner here takes pole position in the Big Twaaaaalve race.