A Dispatch From America’s Worst City, Apparently

“I’ve been around St. Louis and Missouri a major portion of my life,  I’ve never had any desire to lead the charge out of St. Louis. That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to work very hard and be successful in St. Louis.”

E. Stanley Kroenke, August, 2010

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Enos Kroenke has applied to move the Rams to Los Angeles.  In a particularly ugly sequence, apparently encouraged and rewarded by the NFL, Stanley has burned every possible bridge he has ever crossed in his home state, after pledging to keep the Rams in St. Louis while trying to get approval for his ownership of the team.  Stan has, after several dogged attempts by local St. Louis reporters, finally released the full application to move that he is, by NFL bylaws, required to “publish the notice in newspapers of general circulation” in the team’s community and “provide copies of the notice to governmental and business representatives”, neither of which he bothered to do.  He also didn’t deign to engage with local politicians until late November, most definitely not fulfilling his end of the “make every effort to stay” part of the bylaws.  As he’s decided to move, come hell or high water, we can just stand at the docks and wave as the great ship Gurley makes its voyage.

As a fan (until the move) of the Rams, I have been put through the wringer.  2007-2011 was, literally, the worst five-year stretch in the history of the NFL.  That’s not hyperbole, guys.  It was the worst.   Via facts.  Yet, the team continued to draw 50,000 people a week, to watch garbage football in a dreary building.  After the Greatest Show on Turf era ended, the Rams have devolved into the least-entertaining team in the league, a team guaranteed to disappoint and annoy.  The surprising wins would always be followed by the befuddling losses.  Since Marc Bulger left, we have been “treated” to a succession of Sam Badford, Kellen Clemens, AJ Feeley, Austin Davis, Shaun Hill, Nick Foles, and Case Keenum.  Let that sink in.  Does anyone wonder why Rams fans stopped going?  Well, to the tune of 57,000 fans per game.

Stan’s love letter didn’t stop at “Nobody came to my terrible party so I’m leaving”.  Oh, hell no.  He elected to trash St. Louis as a dying city, with sections titled “Compared to all other U.S. Cities, St. Louis is struggling,” and “St. Louis Is Not a Three Professional Team Market.”  Now, let’s just take a look at these claims, hopefully just as objectively as ‘ol Stanny did.  OK, St. Louis does rank 61st on a list of economic growth among large cities, out of 64 ranked.  Some other notables?  Cleveland was 63rd, and Detroit 64th.  So, I guess that may not be the only criteria to move?  Hell, Jacksonville is 58, Milwaukee is 57 (Somehow, Green Bay doesn’t make the large cities ranking) Baltimore is 56, Phoenix is 55 and Chicago is 51.  So, compared to a bunch of cities, a bunch of NFL cities aren’t experiencing a ton of economic growth.  I guess that’s not as good of a headline, though.  (It hurt my soul to use Detroit and Cleveland as my examples, btw.)

As for “St. Louis Is Not a Three Professional Team Market”?  I guess sellouts from 1995-2006 indicate that?  The Rams have averaged 57,000 fans in the TransWorld/Edward Jones Dome since arriving in 1995, which has been rewarded with an overall 142-193-1 record, with four winning seasons, five playoff appearances, a 6-4 playoff record, 2 conference championship banners, and a Super Bowl (YAY I STILL LOVE YOU KURT AND MARSHALL AND ISAAC AND TORRY AND ORLANDO AND LONDON AND GRANT)

Where was I, I was reminiscing.  Oh yeah, the generally bad football.  Look, we had some awesome years, but they ended 11 years ago.  Losing support when your product is terrible is an expected business trend, and we weren’t going to reward garbage and low effort with our cash.  You know, just like LA did when they stopped going to games in the early 90’s, precipitating this move in the first place.  If the team is competitive, or at least competent, suddenly we’re a 3-sport town.  Enos Stanley has spent his entire ownership slowly telling us that he was leaving, in the slowest fadeout of all time.

Stan’s scorched earth campaign, while the right thing for him to do according to the NFL, is disingenuous garbage, and shows him to be a hypocrite of the highest order.  So enjoy your garbage team and Stan’s dessicated corpse of a moustache, LA.  I hope the 47,000 of you that show up to watch the most boring team in football ruin Todd Gurley’s health have a great time.  I’ll be watching the 1999 Super Bowl on VHS and crying, and then picking a new team.  I’m taking suggestions, btw.