CrimeBeat!: Lead-Based Hangover Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - June 7, 2016

So I wasn't planning on doing a CrimeBeat! this week, as 1. it's the off-off season, 2. work is shitty and makes me not want to even make a passing gesture toward "funny", and 3. every time it seems to be filled with Dire News for the Bills, and my

CrymBeet?: At My Most Beautiful

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - May 17, 2016May 17, 2016

And so on. This week's CrimeBeat! is brought to you by the letters F and U, and the number tequila. It's a Satan's Asshole week at CrimeBeat! Home Office, between work, grandparental health issues and it being Day 15 of Dr. Mrs. Mayhem being in the goddamned Himalayas. Enjoy your week,

CrimeBeat!: Second Thoughts Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - May 10, 2016May 10, 2016

And then came the hangover. I'm still excited to see what the New Bills can do. And I'm still excited to see Todd Bowles stand up in front of the New York media and have to grind out the words "We have every confidence in Geno Smith as our starting quarterback"

CrimeBeat!: Now With Extra Preservatives!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - May 5, 2016May 5, 2016

Gentlemen and ladies- I would like to formally retract my "this year's draft is boring and too drawn out" statements. Not the "drawn out" part, because that remains an Undeniable Truth, but still- that was pretty spectacular. Trades! Surprise slides! TV showing a gas mask in a context other than

“Drafting For Character” and Other Spectacular Draft Lies

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 28, 2016April 28, 2016

TOP IMAGE from "Great Lies to Tell Small Kids" by Andy Riley. Highly recommended book. SO HERE WE ARE! It's hours until the draft starts (then stops, then starts, then stops, and finally limps over the finish line a few days from now) and except for questions about hand size and

CrimeBeat!: The One With The Bourble

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 26, 2016April 26, 2016

Greetings, Starfighter. You have been drafted by the National Football League to defend the Shield against Xur and the Ko-dan Armada. God, I loved that movie as a kid. Video games save the known universe. Mary Catherine Stewart, who still has her fastball at the age of 57. The "Death Blossom"

CrimeBeat!: Drafticipation Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 19, 2016April 19, 2016

OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ! The Honorable, the Right Reverend Electric Mayhem. All persons having business before this poorly-written, barely coherent pseudo-tabloid-news-show internet column are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the Chief Asshat is now sitting. God save the Commentariat and this Sport we love and revile. We have

CrimeBeat!: Celebratory Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 14, 2016April 14, 2016

Alright kids- turns out I am doing this week's CrimeBeat!, because my Dad ended up defying expectations and not dying on the operating table. Go modern medicine! I am exhausted and jubilant and incredibly pissed off that clients don't seem to understand the term "family medical emergency" when they really need

CrimeBeat!: Lesser Sports Week

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 5, 2016April 5, 2016

Holy piss, it's another CrimeBeat! So this is the only week between now and the draft that I will concede a "normal" person can reasonably enjoy Sport. Opening Week of beisbol has its charms (I'm working on a way to distill and bottle the BFIB angst sweat, a la Oliver Wendell

CrimeBeat!: Thirty Days Has Smarch

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - March 29, 2016

Oh god. The nightmares. The craving. The soul-crushing emptiness for those of us who do not Sully Ourselves with thoughts of Lesser Sports. The Bleakness walks among us, fellow pilgrims. It's another month until the draft. Another goddamned month. There is precious little relief in sight. Unless Will Fuller does the

Robert Griffin III Signs With Cleveland: An Analysis

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - March 24, 2016

CrimeBeat!: Rob Ford Memorial Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - March 22, 2016March 22, 2016

Ladies and gentlemen, sad news from the sporting world today as Toronto Councillo(u)r Rob Ford passed away at 46. We here at CrimeBeat! extend our best wishes to his family, his friends, and his dealers. Due to overwhelming sadness, and a complete goddamn lack of any newsworthy arrests, CrimeBeat! will