CrimeBeat!: Take the Cannoli Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 2, 2016August 2, 2016

Well boys and girls, we made it. Training camps are all now officially "going on". Peter King is probably on some back road in Iowa between Mankato and Missouri Western State University, glorying in the soybean fields and meth shacks that he considers "Real America" and (God willing) getting crippling

CrimeBeat!: Isn’t This Where We Came In? Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - July 28, 2016July 28, 2016

Jeebus Cripes. As Albert Einstein (probably never) said, "When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity." And somehow the last year feels like

CrimeBeat!: Better Never Than Late Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - July 12, 2016July 12, 2016

So yeah. In God's ongoing quest to drive me insane using ten thousand tiny frustrations, last week's best Crime News I Could Use came out an hour or so after I posted a disjointed bitchfest about how nothing good (for purposes of this column) had happened over the traditionally Target

CrimeBeat!: Anticlimax Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - July 5, 2016

Well fuckery. I mean, Fourth of July weekend is traditionally a feast for your everyday Pulp Sports Crime Writer, and not just because Uncle Rick and Aunt Rita made hot dogs AND ribs AND hot links AND italian beef AND that shitty Jello-mold thing. It's the perfect convergence of 1.

[DFO] Theogyny: The Feast of the Suspension

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - June 30, 2016June 30, 2016

[1] Lo, and once every summer, Venus and Jupiter and Rigel III shall come into alignment, [2] an obscure and ancient bell shall toll within in NFL Headquarters, and the Watcher of The Seals [3] shall be shuffleth out of his office with an antiquated boombox bigger than he. [D]

CrimeBeat!: “We Voted To Do What Now?” Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - June 28, 2016June 27, 2016

Men. MEN! In what I can only assume was a brilliant ploy to eliminate opponents of Real Football In London, Roger Goodell has successfully orchestrated the shadow campaign to make the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and That Island Filled With Sheep in the South Atlantic to exit

CrimeBeat!: Requiem for a Lightweight Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - June 21, 2016

It's 4 pm on an offseason Tuesday. Do you know where your tangentially-NFL-related crime stories are? THEY ARE RIGHT FUCKING HERE! LET YOUR CELEBRATIONS AND MERRY-MAKING COMMENCE! Once again, I find myself compelled to apologize to you, gentle reader, because you come to this site for The Funny, or at least the

CrimeBeat!: Lead-Based Hangover Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - June 7, 2016

So I wasn't planning on doing a CrimeBeat! this week, as 1. it's the off-off season, 2. work is shitty and makes me not want to even make a passing gesture toward "funny", and 3. every time it seems to be filled with Dire News for the Bills, and my

CrymBeet?: At My Most Beautiful

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - May 17, 2016May 17, 2016

And so on. This week's CrimeBeat! is brought to you by the letters F and U, and the number tequila. It's a Satan's Asshole week at CrimeBeat! Home Office, between work, grandparental health issues and it being Day 15 of Dr. Mrs. Mayhem being in the goddamned Himalayas. Enjoy your week,

CrimeBeat!: Second Thoughts Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - May 10, 2016May 10, 2016

And then came the hangover. I'm still excited to see what the New Bills can do. And I'm still excited to see Todd Bowles stand up in front of the New York media and have to grind out the words "We have every confidence in Geno Smith as our starting quarterback"

CrimeBeat!: Now With Extra Preservatives!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - May 5, 2016May 5, 2016

Gentlemen and ladies- I would like to formally retract my "this year's draft is boring and too drawn out" statements. Not the "drawn out" part, because that remains an Undeniable Truth, but still- that was pretty spectacular. Trades! Surprise slides! TV showing a gas mask in a context other than

“Drafting For Character” and Other Spectacular Draft Lies

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 28, 2016April 28, 2016

TOP IMAGE from "Great Lies to Tell Small Kids" by Andy Riley. Highly recommended book. SO HERE WE ARE! It's hours until the draft starts (then stops, then starts, then stops, and finally limps over the finish line a few days from now) and except for questions about hand size and