/door flies open

//finishes bottle of Spotted Cow

///throws bottle into pile off to the side

////cracks open bottle of Riverwest Stein

Good morning.  I am here to talk about the NFL team known as the Green Bay Packers for 2015.  I forgot my notes, but what do I really need to say?  It’s been basically the same story for the past six seasons.  Yeah, one year they win it all, one year they can’t make it past the wild card round.  Not too long ago I read almost every training camp update and tweet. Now?  I’m so used to the pattern that I only know that…well, fuck.

The drama of training camp becomes so irrelevant come week 1 that it’s not worth paying attention to.  There are THREE THINGS I THINK I THINK MAYBE 1864% LEGIT CHANCE WITCHITA that I’m interested in this training camp, and two are on offense.  One is Richard Rodgers, a TE that looked good in camp last year and should contribute more in 2015.  Another are the backup QBs, Scott Tolzien, Matt Blanchard and Brett Hundley.  Tolzien was a damn fine QB in college, but very meh in the NFL.  Blanchard is the shittier version of Tolzien, who failed at Northern Michigan and transferred to Wisconsin-Whitewater.

Brett Hundley is the most intriguing because he comes from an option offense at UCLA and could eventually replace Tolzien as a backup.  PACKERS FOOTBALL: CATCH THE EXCITEMENT OF BACKUP QB DISCUSSIONS.

And being as good as the Packers have been since Mike McCarthy (MM) put his system in place and Ted Thompson (TT) got the players he wanted, you know the story: Rodgers (and please stop saying “Rogers.” Are you as dumdfucktarded as the dumbfucks on @JSComments?) will throw for a billion yards.  Lacy will break every tackle on every carry.  The defense will DO YER JERB for a few weeks then shit the bed.  There’s more to this year’s team than what talking heads babble about.

Offensively, MM is giving playcalling duties to Tom Clements, which after the NFC title game was a very good move.  Under MM the goal line offense has been pretty mediocre, but for years we assumed it was because the OL was undersized like the Shannahan-era Broncos – better for zone runs and pass blocking.  But now with a good blocking FB and a bruising RB, there’s no excuse for what happened last season.  MM kept giving the goddamn ball to John Kuhn, who’d basically walk for three yards and fall upon contact.  The “Kuhn chants” that were once belted by fans are now almost said with an eyeroll, because Lacy is goddamn amazing and should have reduced Kuhn’s carries to once a month.

Second year WR Davante Adams should make a huge leap this year.  I’d give him a look at the later rounds of fantasy draft

Defensively, the signing of Peppers had a much bigger impact than most expected, with the exception of that asshole who expects every FA and draft pick to be the next Reggie White. You know that asshole.  Fuck that guy.  Also, Capers’ decision to finally blitz more than 3 guys helped because BJ Raji of 2014 isn’t the Raji of old and Clay Matthews can’t beat double teams.   Two key positions groups that are younger include ILB and safeties, where Clinton’s Dick has made a leap in the offseason.  The loss of Nick Collins has been tough to recover from, as Capers’ Cover 2 blitzing scheme worked best with him since he generated INTs and called effective coverages.  Dix has the potential to be as good as Collins in coverage.  ILB will be critical, as AJ “Most Mediocre Packer Ever” Hawk was shitcanned and replaced with Sam Barrington.  These two groups should be able to stop those fucking long plays that Capers’ D has given up too much of from 2012 until now.

Special teams?  Masthay has turned out to be a very good punter and Crosby is finally back to the level he was in his rookie season.  Kick return shouldn’t suck balls anymore and a return specialist would be nice, but at this point I know there are Jets fans that are reading this and would saw off their right foot for a decent QB and Browns fans that do anything for actual football-related happiness on Sunday.

I’ll open the floor to questions.  No, I won’t answer any questions about my lack of pants.  Nor will I answer any questions about having five beers before 7am.  Okay?  My realistic prediction is that the Packers will win between 10 and 12 games and come up short of a Super Bowl run in another way because football just fucks you in the ass that way.  But, since I’m drunk before most people are working, my prediction is…