[brief ringing sound, then a phone picking up]
OSZ: [brief sound of a phone being fumbled then dropped; faintly] Ah, what the fuck…
Drunk Uncle Roy: ZERO! ARE YA THERE MY BOY?
OSZ: [sound of a cat meowing loudly] Gimme that… hullo?
DUR: ZERRROOOOO! WE’RE UN! DEE! FEET! ED!
OSZ: Oh no. Is that you Roy? It’s three in the—
DUR: Didja see it? DIDJA SEE MY EALGLES? [indeterminate background noise—kind of sounds like a helicopter? Or maybe a lawn mower?]
OSZ: What are you talki—
DUR: We fuckin’ STOMPED the sColts. Fuggin took um out to the shed and grabbed the hose and made em shit Roundup.
OSZ: What does that even m—
DUR: IT MEANS CHIP IS A GENSIUS! He wend out there and sent Mark Ancho to deliver a MESSAGE, and he delivered it to Jordan Matthew Ryan to show just how much BOSS we are this year!
OSZ: Wait, who?
DUR: The guy, Matthew Jordan.
OSZ: Who?
DUR: Uh, Ryan Jordan.
OSZ: Do you mean Ryan Matthews? Or Jordan Matthews?
DUR: MATT RYAN!
OSZ: That doesn’t even—
DUR: AAAAHHHHH HA HA HA! Got you! Just kidding! YOU THOUGHT WE GOT MATTY ICE!
OSZ: I didn’t—
DUR: [indeterminate sound again: maybe a generator of some sort?] Yer so gullible, Zero. Heck, you’d believe it if I told you I was gonna vote for Hurlary.
OSZ: I don’t—
DUR: I’M A TRUMP GUY! Or Ron Paul. [the noise is louder again, then fades away]
OSZ: Where are you, anyway?
DUR: Lissen, it’s no big deal. YOU KNOW WHAT IS A BIG DEAL?
OSZ: Don’t you dare say Teb—
DUR: YEAHHHHHH BABY! TEBOW TIIIIIME! WOOOOOOOOOO!
OSZ: Shit.
DUR: Didja sees im? He was DYNAMITE! He put those godly shoulders right into their PANSY ASS FACES and marched into the endsone like he was onna CRUSADE! I gotta tell ya, Chip’s gonna quarterback the committee all season, and just CRUSH evuhrybody. YOU WAIT! He’s gonna trot out a three qb formation that’s gonna blow yer mind! YOU’LL NEVER KNOW WHO’S GONNA GET THE BALL! Could it be Bradford to zip a shot right to where we need it? Or Sanchay who’s gonna slick willy his way into the secondary? OR THE CHOSEN ONE, WHO’S JUST GONNA WIN?! Ya know what makes the Tebow so speshul?
OSZ: I just don—
DUR: I’ll tell you the secret. It’s because he’s from FLORIDA!
OSZ: Oh, no.
DUR: Yeah, that’s right! You ever hear of something terrible happening in Florida?
OSZ: Well, y—
DUR: OF COURSE YOU HAVEN’T! All of the greatest people I know come from Florida. There’s Party Pete, Scrummy Pete, Big Pete, Carny Pete, Professor Pete, One-Tooth Pete, Hobo Pete, Pete Pete, Re Pete, and Clem.
OSZ: Aren’t they all in jail or rehab?
DUR: EVERYBODY’S GOTTA PAY THEIR DUES! Listen, my time with the Dr. Oxy Motorcycle Club has been the best time of my life. [background noise again—bees?]
OSZ: Motorcycle club? You don’t have a motorcycle, Roy.
DUR: I don see what difference that makes.
OSZ: So you don’t ride with them?
DUR: OF COURSE I DO!
OSZ: How?
DUR: I ride bottom balloon. [noise grows louder]
OSZ: What? Is that like riding bitch?
DUR: Sort of. It’s part of their Florida runs. Listen, it’s complicated, I don’t expect you to unnerstand, just like you can’t seem to understand the greatsness of Tebow.
OSZ: What is that noise? Where the hell are you, Roy?
DUR: Arright, arright… Carny Pete hooked me up with a private cab in the ferris wheel at the fair, said I could stay here tonight as long as I cleared out by noon. Figgered isssafer than trying to drive home.
OSZ: You don’t have a car. Or a license. It got rev—
DUR: Shhh shh shh shh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
OSZ: Wait, did Aunt Margaret kick you out again?
DUR: [humming in the background—a ferris wheel! Yeesh.]
OSZ: What did you do?
DUR: She doesn’t care for my friends. Says they’re dangerous with their motorcycles, and their sawed off shotguns, and their needles and stuff.
OSZ: [sigh]
DUR: Listen, can we get back to the Eagles? I mean, come on, man! [beginning to cry] It’s all I have left, and—
OSZ: No. Just don’t.
DUR: [emotional] You’re the only one I can talk to, Zero! You leave me alone tonight and I don’t know what I’ll do.
OSZ: [sigh] I’m not playing this game again.
DUR: If you really care about—
OSZ: Tebow got sacked.
DUR: [suddenly angry] What did you s—
OSZ: Yeah, three times. For big losses.
DUR: You little sh—
OSZ: IT’S THREE IN THE GODDAMN MORNING, YOU’RE SLEEPING IN A FERRIS WHEEL, IT WAS JUST A PRESEASON GAME, AND TEBOW IS A FUCKING BUST!
DUR: Why you fucking runt, YOUR BROTHER WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN YOU!
OSZ: STOP CALLING ME!
[Call ends]
I can vouch for Pete Pete. He’s a helluva guy.
http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/03/us/hitchbot-robot-beheaded-philadelphia-feat/index.html
Between Sanchez & Tebow, Chip is obviously showing his fanboy appreciation for Rex Ryan’s Jets. By the end of the preseason, the Eagles will have signed Braylon Edwards, Bart Scott, and Vernon Gholston and every borderline suicidal Eagles fan in Philly will be pushed to finish things by the brilliance of Kelly’s “plan.”
I, personally, cannot wait.
Living on a ferris wheel is probably great. Great view of the witter.
Sorry for this pun in advance.
Yes, yes I did just google “bottom balloon”
/It’s a trick!
You did? I just made that up. It’s a thing?
Wait, who am I kidding? Of course that’s a thing.
No, it’s not a thing. That’s the trick!
I fell for my own trick!
Isn’t it INTERESTING that White Chocolate Chip Kelly signed TT when Vince Young was still available? Wake up Sheeple!
Bath Salts Pete would be outraged that his name was omitted, but at the moment he’s convinced he only exists as a character inside one of Party Pete’s dreams. For which we should all breathe a sign of relief, because “outraged” means “will eat your face”.
When do we find out Drunk Uncle Roy is actually New School Zero after a timeloop collapsed?
SPOILER ALERT MUCH?!
Nah. But we might end up with some NSZ calls before long.
WHOA!
I already pressed the button, but I feel this bears repeating: This Is Great
*bares.
I thought OSZ was allergic to nuts?
Peanuts. They’re not nuts, though; they’re legumes.
so it’s a pea-legume allergy?
I’m also not into golden showers.
Yup.
DEEEEEZZZZ. NUTS!
/sorry
Related:
No, teabags are fine.
Let’s be fair now… If he’s living in Philly can he really be the ONLY one sleeping in that ferris wheel? There’s gotta be at least a couple Petes on it with him.
That’s the sad thing–he’s never lived in Philly, or even Pennsylvania.
Hillary was right – OSZ is not ready to field those 3 AM phone calls.
Wait, what?
http://resources1.news.com.au/images/2008/01/11/1111119/932817-sir-edmund-hillary.jpg
Dr. Oxy Motorcycle Club doesn’t have anything on the Hell’s Satans
Yeah, but have you seen the girls they roll with? No one tops the Perky Sets.
I was gonna pull a Fek and post something terrible but the first image I saw when I searched for “motorcycle chick” was Katee Sackhoff
http://douglas.nerad.org/journal/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/bsg-girls-interview-mag-1.jpg
Also, I know that is the laziest, uninspired google search but I was looking for fat women wearing a size 0 so I didn’t care
Speaking of… where is that Klingon sonofabitch?
We’d have to go back to an old post and see if a D.M. would work.
Hobo Pete is a great guy. I don’t like you throwing his name into a list of other terrible Petes like that
Hobo Pete claims to have served in ‘Nam with a secret CIA special ops company.
Story of Hobo Pete: Part 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nH2ekEArCkE
Story of Hobo Pete: Part 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awZbOOU234w
I didn’t know Angelo Cataldi was your uncle, OSZ.
So that’s how it is in their family.
http://i.imgur.com/xf7rSWv.gif
This is why God has proclaimed the Eagles will win no Super Bowls.
Sounds like every conversation I’ve had with my wife at 3 in the morning, but substitute Flacco for Godboy
Poor Snowden.
Drunk Uncle Roy is my spirit guide.
My only experience with dating a carny turned into a dose of the clap pretty damn quick.