NSA Telephone Transcript #68U127IP93

[brief ringing sound, then a phone picking up]

OSZ: [brief sound of a phone being fumbled then dropped; faintly] Ah, what the fuck…

Drunk Uncle Roy: ZERO! ARE YA THERE MY BOY?

OSZ: [sound of a cat meowing loudly] Gimme that… hullo?

DUR: ZERRROOOOO! WE’RE UN! DEE! FEET! ED!

OSZ: Oh no. Is that you Roy? It’s three in the—

DUR: Didja see it? DIDJA SEE MY EALGLES? [indeterminate background noise—kind of sounds like a helicopter? Or maybe a lawn mower?]

OSZ: What are you talki—

DUR: We fuckin’ STOMPED the sColts. Fuggin took um out to the shed and grabbed the hose and made em shit Roundup.

OSZ: What does that even m—

DUR: IT MEANS CHIP IS A GENSIUS! He wend out there and sent Mark Ancho to deliver a MESSAGE, and he delivered it to Jordan Matthew Ryan to show just how much BOSS we are this year!

OSZ: Wait, who?

DUR: The guy, Matthew Jordan.

OSZ: Who?

DUR: Uh, Ryan Jordan.

OSZ: Do you mean Ryan Matthews? Or Jordan Matthews?

DUR: MATT RYAN!

OSZ: That doesn’t even—

DUR: AAAAHHHHH HA HA HA! Got you! Just kidding! YOU THOUGHT WE GOT MATTY ICE!

OSZ: I didn’t—

DUR: [indeterminate sound again: maybe a generator of some sort?] Yer so gullible, Zero. Heck, you’d believe it if I told you I was gonna vote for Hurlary.

OSZ: I don’t—

DUR: I’M A TRUMP GUY! Or Ron Paul. [the noise is louder again, then fades away]

OSZ: Where are you, anyway?

DUR: Lissen, it’s no big deal. YOU KNOW WHAT IS A BIG DEAL?

OSZ: Don’t you dare say Teb—

DUR: YEAHHHHHH BABY! TEBOW TIIIIIME! WOOOOOOOOOO!

OSZ: Shit.

DUR: Didja sees im? He was DYNAMITE! He put those godly shoulders right into their PANSY ASS FACES and marched into the endsone like he was onna CRUSADE! I gotta tell ya, Chip’s gonna quarterback the committee all season, and just CRUSH evuhrybody. YOU WAIT! He’s gonna trot out a three qb formation that’s gonna blow yer mind! YOU’LL NEVER KNOW WHO’S GONNA GET THE BALL! Could it be Bradford to zip a shot right to where we need it? Or Sanchay who’s gonna slick willy his way into the secondary? OR THE CHOSEN ONE, WHO’S JUST GONNA WIN?! Ya know what makes the Tebow so speshul?

OSZ: I just don—

DUR: I’ll tell you the secret. It’s because he’s from FLORIDA!

OSZ: Oh, no.

DUR: Yeah, that’s right! You ever hear of something terrible happening in Florida?

OSZ: Well, y—

DUR: OF COURSE YOU HAVEN’T! All of the greatest people I know come from Florida. There’s Party Pete, Scrummy Pete, Big Pete, Carny Pete, Professor Pete, One-Tooth Pete, Hobo Pete, Pete Pete, Re Pete, and Clem.

OSZ: Aren’t they all in jail or rehab?

DUR: EVERYBODY’S GOTTA PAY THEIR DUES! Listen, my time with the Dr. Oxy Motorcycle Club has been the best time of my life. [background noise again—bees?]

OSZ: Motorcycle club? You don’t have a motorcycle, Roy.

DUR: I don see what difference that makes.

OSZ: So you don’t ride with them?

DUR: OF COURSE I DO!

OSZ: How?

DUR: I ride bottom balloon. [noise grows louder]

OSZ: What? Is that like riding bitch?

DUR: Sort of. It’s part of their Florida runs. Listen, it’s complicated, I don’t expect you to unnerstand, just like you can’t seem to understand the greatsness of Tebow.

OSZ: What is that noise? Where the hell are you, Roy?

DUR: Arright, arright… Carny Pete hooked me up with a private cab in the ferris wheel at the fair, said I could stay here tonight as long as I cleared out by noon. Figgered isssafer than trying to drive home.

OSZ: You don’t have a car. Or a license. It got rev—

DUR: Shhh shh shh shh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

OSZ: Wait, did Aunt Margaret kick you out again?

DUR: [humming in the background—a ferris wheel! Yeesh.]

OSZ: What did you do?

DUR: She doesn’t care for my friends. Says they’re dangerous with their motorcycles, and their sawed off shotguns, and their needles and stuff.

OSZ: [sigh]

DUR: Listen, can we get back to the Eagles? I mean, come on, man! [beginning to cry] It’s all I have left, and—

OSZ: No. Just don’t.

DUR: [emotional] You’re the only one I can talk to, Zero! You leave me alone tonight and I don’t know what I’ll do.

OSZ: [sigh] I’m not playing this game again.

DUR: If you really care about—

OSZ: Tebow got sacked.

DUR: [suddenly angry] What did you s—

OSZ: Yeah, three times. For big losses.

DUR: You little sh—

OSZ: IT’S THREE IN THE GODDAMN MORNING, YOU’RE SLEEPING IN A FERRIS WHEEL, IT WAS JUST A PRESEASON GAME, AND TEBOW IS A FUCKING BUST!

DUR: Why you fucking runt, YOUR BROTHER WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN YOU!

OSZ: STOP CALLING ME!

[Call ends]

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Old School Zero
Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
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WhyEaglesWhy

I can vouch for Pete Pete. He’s a helluva guy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

Between Sanchez & Tebow, Chip is obviously showing his fanboy appreciation for Rex Ryan’s Jets. By the end of the preseason, the Eagles will have signed Braylon Edwards, Bart Scott, and Vernon Gholston and every borderline suicidal Eagles fan in Philly will be pushed to finish things by the brilliance of Kelly’s “plan.”

I, personally, cannot wait.

Bloody Lethal

Living on a ferris wheel is probably great. Great view of the witter.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry for this pun in advance.

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Horatio Cornblower

Yes, yes I did just google “bottom balloon”

/It’s a trick!

Horatio Cornblower

No, it’s not a thing. That’s the trick!

50andstillfly

Isn’t it INTERESTING that White Chocolate Chip Kelly signed TT when Vince Young was still available? Wake up Sheeple!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bath Salts Pete would be outraged that his name was omitted, but at the moment he’s convinced he only exists as a character inside one of Party Pete’s dreams. For which we should all breathe a sign of relief, because “outraged” means “will eat your face”.

When do we find out Drunk Uncle Roy is actually New School Zero after a timeloop collapsed?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WHOA!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I already pressed the button, but I feel this bears repeating: This Is Great

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*bares.

trollsoharduniversity

I thought OSZ was allergic to nuts?

Roger Ramjet

so it’s a pea-legume allergy?

Cuntler

Yup.

DEEEEEZZZZ. NUTS!

/sorry

Cuntler

Related:

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, teabags are fine.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Let’s be fair now… If he’s living in Philly can he really be the ONLY one sleeping in that ferris wheel? There’s gotta be at least a couple Petes on it with him.

SonOfSpam

Hillary was right – OSZ is not ready to field those 3 AM phone calls.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sharkbait

Dr. Oxy Motorcycle Club doesn’t have anything on the Hell’s Satans

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Yeah, but have you seen the girls they roll with? No one tops the Perky Sets.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I was gonna pull a Fek and post something terrible but the first image I saw when I searched for “motorcycle chick” was Katee Sackhoff

http://douglas.nerad.org/journal/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/bsg-girls-interview-mag-1.jpg

Also, I know that is the laziest, uninspired google search but I was looking for fat women wearing a size 0 so I didn’t care

WCS

Speaking of… where is that Klingon sonofabitch?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We’d have to go back to an old post and see if a D.M. would work.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Hobo Pete is a great guy. I don’t like you throwing his name into a list of other terrible Petes like that

Hobo Pete claims to have served in ‘Nam with a secret CIA special ops company.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
WCS

I didn’t know Angelo Cataldi was your uncle, OSZ.

Cuntler

So that’s how it is in their family.

http://i.imgur.com/xf7rSWv.gif

...

This is why God has proclaimed the Eagles will win no Super Bowls.

jjfozz

Sounds like every conversation I’ve had with my wife at 3 in the morning, but substitute Flacco for Godboy

blaxabbath

Poor Snowden.

laserguru

Drunk Uncle Roy is my spirit guide.

My only experience with dating a carny turned into a dose of the clap pretty damn quick.