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A Requiem for an Ape

Cuntler

/

h/t Etsy

On the one month anniversary of the death of KSK, I leave this here as a tribute to our deposed former simian overlord.  Wherever he is, I am happy he doesn’t have to deal with this shit anymore:

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. I’m not advocating taking away anyone’s guns. But in the wake of the point-blank murders on live TV in Roanoke this week, and the unprovoked and outrageous slaughter of a Harris County sheriff’s deputy while fueling his car Saturday (the 23rd killing by gun of a law-enforcement officer in the United States this year), it is inexcusable in this country if we do not have a national discussion on gun violence. I don’t know what the answer is. I do know we’re being irresponsible if we simply roll over, throw up our hands and say there’s nothing we can do about it.

b. Act, people. Act!

h/t gifphy.com

 

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Brick Meathook

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Wakezilla

I always used to joke that if terrorists really wanted to mess up America, they’d fund the NRA and their lobbyists, but, that’s become too dark to be true.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7AxiSAIKiJc/UbNipTAKWvI/AAAAAAAAIjY/LtkqnYadkE0/s1600/hot+girl+with+gun+images.jpg

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Porky Prime

comment image

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, the last one is the one I was originally looking for, even though it was a crooked road, it was worth the drive.

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/3715391/the-naked-gun-o.gif

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Sill Bimmons

Again, the solution to the firearm problem is to require that every firearm be insured.

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WhyEaglesWhy

As someone who believes in gun rights but yet isn’t batshit crazy, I’ve never heard this idea before and I am intrigued enough to subscribe to your newsletter.

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Doktor Zymm

I’ve always thought taxing the hell out of ammunition would be a good way to go.

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Cuntler

Yup. Insurance and registration like with cars. And a shooting test. And offices with terribly long lines and poor service.

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Sill Bimmons

Not registration. A little too much “GUBMINT COMIN FER MAH GUNS” for the truly deranged.

Just insurance with private companies whose clients could only be made known to the government through the courts.

No jack-booted thugs, no black helicopters–just Flo and the Gecko fighting for your firearms insurance dollar on NFL Sundays.

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Sill Bimmons

People can make their own ammo, plus the fact that a single box of 500 bullets can kill a hell of a lot of people regardless of how much you make it cost.

I’m all for the idea anyway.

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litre_cola

Why hello all! I hope we are all well in the aftermath of Uproxxes shitbaggery and whoever is responsible for this page is a real grinder.

Will there be a way to get a livebrog? I have zero idea how to kill the evenings without dick jokes and plus size women.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Check the other posts on this site; great stuff. The rivebrogs are just ‘open threads’ here; it saves the pages in “previous comments” so the system does not get overloaded and it works really well. All the content is user generated and the guys maintaining it do it gratis (fucking great) thus no pop-ups or political editing. Just a few rules to follow; no uncovered nips, twats or buttholes, semi-safe for work (not my work) and don’t be a dick. Also they have a no Gore policy, I not sure if it is Al or Frank, but I don’t post either just to be safe. Pretty simple. Welcome, glad to have ya.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/04d31a8bf3bebcfcc752f26579d38c9d/tumblr_modqjs8rcG1regpz7o4_250.gif

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Moose covering the bases for the next “the more you know” ad.

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litre_cola

All good moose, I was never a pic poster anyway, just your normal self hating Iggles fan. I am overjoyed that we have a place again. I guess with the new rules Fek has been neutered.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have not seen Fek post on the other site for quite a while. I think the rules are the same, just more self imposed now. Fek did have some funny shit to say and I will always be grateful for the realization that a Shat(TM) is a real thing.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I just heard the news: Fek is coming!

/good for Mrs. Fek!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Of course the other rule is; “FUCK THE POLICE”

http://36.media.tumblr.com/1124f032654166b568841a1b49987834/tumblr_nsnurrfswt1r6mdwlo1_500.jpg

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Sill Bimmons

YEAH FUCK THE POLICE

http://blogs.reuters.com/environment/files/2011/09/gore3.jpg

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, and with regards to your username (fine choice) I met the liter-a-cola cashier guy at a party one time. I was so excited to meet someone I’d seen on TV (I had just moved to LA) that I think I scared him a little. Nice enough guy, though.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Welcome!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Does he attempt to relate this somehow to baseball later?

http://38.media.tumblr.com/c6702a95bc5625f376c606457302ac15/tumblr_np38enAIeS1qzo3c9o1_250.gif

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Spur

#myopinionmattersmost

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Lothar of the Hill People

Here’s the funniest thing. I’m a gun owner. Best friend’s a cop. Brother is active-duty military. Brother and dad between them have well over a dozen handguns, long guns, and shotguns.

My brother–a right-wing anti-immigrant nutjob–is the one who’s been saying for decades that if we have restrictions on the ownership of cars, and trace changes in car ownership, why do we not do the same thing for guns? It makes sense.

Unless, of course, you’re some militia member who thinks that a government database on who legally owns which gun means that the government will come take your guns.

Fuck that.

You want to carry a loaded firearm on my campus? When you cannot carry one into a gun show? Or into the state legislature? Or a GOP campaign event?

Fuck that.

I’m sure if the Roanoke reporter had been packing a handgun, she and her cameraman would be alive today. And if that cop fueling up his squad car had only been carrying a pistol, he’d be alive today, too.

Oh wait.

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jjfozz

I would like to build a man sized, old fashioned meat grinder – cast iron, painted black, with flames on the sides, and “Grinder Minder” emblazoned in gold letters at its top.

Then I would like to slowly, ever so slowly, insert PK into the maw of this fantastic machine and grind him into 335 pounds of lardachino and Allagash flavored meat.

Then use the remains to make Skyline Chili, and serve it to Joe Buck and Cris Collinsworth until they die.

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Sep

You forgot to add “sew their assholes shut and keep feedin’ ’em and feedin’ ’em and feedin’ ’em”

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Old School Zero

S-E-P I-S THE MAN

WU TANG! WU TANG! WU TANG!

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Sill Bimmons

http://i.imgur.com/f5KL3Wr.gif

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Lothar of the Hill People

This is how shitty PK is. He takes a wishy-washy stance (I don’t want to take away your guns, but we need to talk about guns!) on an issue that needs discussion, and does so expressly because of a couple incidents that pale in comparison to, say, Sandy Hook.

So, we didn’t need to have a national discussion about guns after a bunch of schoolkids were gunned down, but now that a couple TV people were shot, we need to? We don’t need to talk about guns and how readily they’re used after a cop shoots an unarmed guy IN THE BACK and then PLANTS EVIDENCE, but when a cop is killed, now it’s time?

Way to get behind and issue and then shit all over it, you disgusting fuck.

I was going to volunteer to do an Ape-Lite PK takedown–just focus on one point, a paragraph or so, in a MMQB column, and hammer PK into dust on that one point, but I think even with the meds I take* it would drive my BP through the roof to do.

*disclaimer: I take meds for tachycardia, and those meds actually keep my BP so low that I skip them when I run so I can actually get my heart rate up. Getting old is fun!

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blaxabbath

Tragic events require more than a single cycle through the news when they happen to the media (the opposite when they make a mistake).

Kids or theater goers (multiple times) mowed down — “Sell that ad space and move on.”
Reporter shot as fuck — “Shut down everything while we address this!”

RG3 response about feeling like he is a good QB — “Look at this clown! Look at him! Put a pin in this, we need to come back to it during political gaffs week!”
NBC anchorman caught lying about material facts and damaging his and the networks integrity. — “We all make mistakes and he polls well. Six months off and put him on cable to boost those ratings.”

Your shitty company gets his with layoffs — “Some drones are gonna have to go back on the dole. What else you ya got, intern?”
Newspapers suck at their jobs and do not adapt to modern needs and practices. — “Here’s a series on what JOURNALISM means to America and how we can SAVE JOURNALISM!”

I don’t need a news account so long as I subscribe to Fat Jewish!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

To be fair to PK, these victims were on tv, so he can relate to them.

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packman_jon

Who wants to get even more mad?
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packman_jon

(re: Deb’s comment)

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Truly blessed.

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Cuntler

Man, I just can’t take a woman named “Deb” seriously. Especially because I start singing this every time:

/Beck is such an awesomely weird guy

//”Lady, step inside my Hyundai!” – Joe Flacco

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SonOfSpam

He also does a great live show. And I really like his mellow Grammy-winning album from last year or whenever, but then I’m old and white.

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Cuntler

I saw Willie Nelson and him do a show together in Kansas City earlier this summer. (Willie opened, Beck closed, one song together). It was excellent. Best concert I saw in college was him at the Metro right as Odelay was released. Just great.

/also white and old

//
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ballsofsteelandfury

I saw Beck do a show where he played almost all the songs behind a screen and the audience only saw puppets resembling his band playing the songs. It was surreal and awesome.

It was supporting the album with the song “Think I’m in Love”

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WhyEaglesWhy

…and your sister

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montythisseemsstrangetome

We’re all missing the point here. There’s a man named Harry Handmaker.

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...

Ugh. I’d bet good money Deb would lose her shit if the Cards dropped a playoff series to the Cubs.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

So would I. Deb and I are already working on our excuses.

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Cuntler

Isn’t it just “Matheny, Matheny, Matheny!”

http://static01.nyt.com/images/2012/02/26/realestate/26DEAL1/deal-popup.jpg

(Jan Brady was a Cardinals fan)

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Injuries. We loooove to play the injury card.

Until recently, there was also the payroll-differential, but the teams are almost dead even this year

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packman_jon

Is it too much to ask for the Cubs to sweep the Cards and then have a heartbreaking WS loss in Game 7?

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Cuntler

NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE BREWERS.

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Senor Weaselo

It would have to be a heartbreaking loss in the NLCS. Getting to the Series would technically break the curse, even if your idea might halve the population of Chicago.

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Enrico Pallazzo

Peter makes a great point. Everyone else should do something but him.

/eats a barista

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montythisseemsstrangetome

“I’m not advocating taking away anyone’s guns.”

Because that would be taking a position on an issue that might prove unpopular or controversial in some circles. I just want us to have a CONVERSATION about guns. Because this country never ever ever talks about guns after one of these events takes place.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

“I do know we’re being irresponsible if we simply roll over, throw up our hands and say there’s nothing we can do about it.”

Which is totally not what I’m doing by writing this paragraph saying I don’t know what to do and admonishing people to ACT!

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Lothar of the Hill People

Especially annoying, because it’s not like the demo he writes for (older white dudes) wouldn’t be primarily against any sort of new controls on gun purchases or ownership.

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Lothar of the Hill People

So, in essence, telling his audience to “Act!” is telling them to exhort the NRA to stop any semblance of sane gun control in this country.

Thus, PK shoots himself in his lardiccino foot.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It reminds me very much of conversations with my wife that begin with her saying “We should [do some chore like cleaning the refrigerator]…” which means she wants me to do that thing while she watches House Hunters International.

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SonOfSpam

We have similar conversations at my house, but they’re phrased as questions:

“Did we switch out the laundry?”

Well, I fucking didn’t, but I can’t speak for the rest of us here.

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Lothar of the Hill People

Good gravy, I’m glad other men experience the same passive-aggressive bullshit I do.

“Has anyone scooped the cat litter?” means “Hey, go scoop cat shit.”

“The grass is looking long.” means “You need to get busy with the mower.”

“We should probably get the oil changed.” means “Take the car over.”

Ahh, the hate.

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Sill Bimmons

#1 on the list of things I don’t miss about being married: Passive-aggressive bullshit.

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jjfozz

Yeah, but if you say, “Hmm, my penis hasn’t been thoroughly suckled lately” she never says, “Oh, fine. I’ll take care of the blow job duties around here.”

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Horatio Cornblower

That’s the great thing about having kids.

“Did anyone clean the cat litter”

“Nope, but I’ve got two pretty good candidates in mind.”

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Cuntler

That’s the even greater thing about not having cats.

“Did anyone clean out the box filled with animal shit that resides in my house?”

“No, we don’t have any boxes filled with animal shit in our house.”

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Oh, listen to Mr. Fancy Cuntler who doesn’t shit in a box in his house.

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Cuntler

Of course. We keep the shit box in the garage, like respectable folk.

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Old School Zero

Garage? Ga-rajjj?? Hey everybody, get a load of mister fancy Frenchy over here! Gaaa-raaaaajjjjj!

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Lothar of the Hill People

I park my SUV in my car-hole!

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ballsofsteelandfury

I don’t blame her. That’s a great fucking show!

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WhyEaglesWhy

Not to mention, the worst thing you can do when you don’t know what to do is “something”.

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blaxabbath

I hope one of those barristas PK has publicly scolded ends up being a Senator. Then PK won’t even bother asking for Congress to act. “I don’t know what else you’d expect from a limpdick who doesn’t know how to properly froth the bottom of a tall coffee.”

@PeterKingSI, “Lots of reactions about my call for a New World Order. Didn’t know I shouldn’t be prompting dissolving America’s sovereignty.”

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SonOfSpam

I saw “froth” and “bottom” in your comment and was looking for something about Rick Santorum.

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drquuxum

This is literally only the second time ever that someone was looking for something about Rick Santorum. (The first time is when Penn Hills School District was looking for about $80,000 in taxes.)

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SonOfSpam

I’ve really enjoyed all the Facebook posts blaming “anti-cop rhetoric” for the cop shooting in Texas. They’ve been really reasonable and not racist at all.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

SonOfSpilly

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packman_jon

White People Act Completely Reasonably

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“The ones on my payroll are compensated fairly.”

-DeCavalcante family

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Horatio Cornblower

I may just watch this the rest of the day. I must know how it ends!

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Sharkbait

What if PK is like Darth Vader. What if the meaning of the title “10 things I think I think” is his last remaining shred of humanity trying to scream for help from the NFL mind control device forcibly implanted by the league??

Or he’s just a shitty writer. Who knows?
/chugs 4th bloody mary

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blaxabbath

I’d elect to having a generally more educated populous who basically NEVER looks to a the federal Congress to ‘Do Something’. But, frankly, I’m not all that bright myself and if other people start getting their shit together, it’s just gonna make it harder for me to hang on. So, in theory, I want Congress to do something. In reality, I want to continue to see high barriers of entry into my career field, illegal labor to the max, and police forces large enough to keep the dahkies out of my neighborhood but also small enough to be ineffective in bothering with the illegal things I do.

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Sill Bimmons

Populace.

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CBQUE

It’s days like this when I realize that there really is no going back. A week from the season and it sucks knowing that the band really isn’t getting back together. Fuck you Uproxx enjoy covering Miley’s bony ass. Pours one out for Ape & the whole KSK crew.

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Senor Weaselo

Is anyone on a mission from God who knows how to play both kinds of music, country AND Western?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vS-zEH8YmiM

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blordinaryfagicmox

His name was Robert Apeson.

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Old School Zero

His name was Robert Apeson

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makeitsnowondem

His name was Robert Apeson.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

His Ape was Robert Nameson.

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packman_jon

His name was…what was his name again?

– Trent Green

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Lothar of the Hill People

His nape was Norbert Bobberson.

Hi Snape, it’s Norbert!

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Sill Bimmons

FOREST LORENSTON

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Horatio Cornblower

I thought his name was Mike?

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Old School Zero

Your name is Shut The Fuck Up.

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Horatio Cornblower

Dad?

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makeitsnowondem

You can’t pay cops enough. You just can’t.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Apparently I can DEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR the reply:

“The ones on my payroll are compensated fairly.”

-DeCavalcante family

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Horatio Cornblower

You can pay the one who just gave me a ticket for flicking my high beams at oncoming cars to alert them to his speed trap a little less if you’d like.

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Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, every time you pay them, they’re back at your window demanding another bribe.

You just can’t pay them enough.

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Old School Zero

The more I see tidbits from his column, the more I am fully convinced that having to work with Peter King was the sole cause of Dr. Z’s stroke.

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Duchess

But what should congress do PK?

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blordinaryfagicmox

Oh, I know this one! It’s… “nothing,” right?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, they are busy:
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/obamas-renaming-sparks-backlash/ar-AAdMsM7?ocid=spartandhp

Priorities people!! Obummer is calling it what most people have been referring to it for years. COMMUNIST!!

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SonOfSpam

This thing. I mean…guh.

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Duchess

Ohio… We are the Cleveland of States

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Sill Bimmons

Cleveland is the North Dakota of Cities.

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Cuntler

No. Gun control is the answer. Mother. Fucking. Gun. Control.

http://www.factcheck.org/2009/05/gun-control-in-australia/

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Why Thank You Eddie

Works on contingecy? No, money down!

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Horatio Cornblower

As with everything else in life I take my position on gun control from Ted Nugent, so fuck all you liberal pansies.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go adopt a teenager so I can fuck it.

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SonOfSpam

“I’ll drive.”

– Jared

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well they didn’t need to do anything until now; when it was kids or black people getting mowed down en mass

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Horatio Cornblower

That actually ended a lot better than I thought it would.

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Sill Bimmons

I was expecting a best case scenario of paraplegia.

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