In Which We Rank Athletes From Other Sports At Their Potential Ability to Play Football

OK, Thursday night. REAL LIFE ACTUAL HONEST-TO-GOD PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL THAT’S NOT THE CFL. Less than 12 hours until all our hopes and dreams are fulfilled from now until the end of February!

However, in the meantime until the pissed-off Patriots run roughshod tonight over a Steelers team missing key contributors in Le’Veon Bell, Martavis Bryant, and Maurkice Pouncey, we still have several hours we need to fill, otherwise the boredom returns and the walls start to close in. As I’m sure you’ve observed over the past few weeks, I’m aiming to run weekly debate threads here on DFO in order to stir up the anger, rage, depression, alcoholism, and occasional flashes of brilliance of the general population of this website. By keeping my expectations low in life, I’ve found myself to be pleasantly surprised at almost every turn. “Hey! I just put my shoes on! Alright! Better grab a beer to celebrate.” Try it for yourself sometime if you feel stressed out. It’s nice.

Anyways, this week’s debate is all about athletes in other sports. I pose the following question to you:

Imagine you’re an NFL GM, and you have a roster spot to fill on your team that can only be completed through looking outside the game of football. What athlete do you select? What position are they playing? What makes them a decent fit for the job?

I think I’ll kick this off by selecting literally the only good thing that the state of Ohio has ever produced… a generic choice, yes, but the tone has to be set here.

Going hard in the paint, draining threes from way deep, burning safeties, and playing concertos. The man can do it all.

Yeah, LeBron played high school football, and was an all-state caliber wide receiver before his jump to the NBA, but holy fuck. We joke about Jimmy Graham and Antonio Gates and all the various tight ends with a basketball background, but the guy is a fucking freak of nature. You get this guy jumping over a cornerback to reel in a deep route, or running a wheel route and having blockers bounce right off him…

I don’t think we appreciate just how fuckhuge 6’8″, 250 lbs is. Speed, hops, power. Bron has it all. He will eat your secondary alive.

Anyways, who are you picking to fill out your roster, and why?

Let’s… Get… Kommenting!

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The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/author/the-maestro/
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Sill Bimmons

For real, I think Andrew McCutchen would make a pretty decent ball-hawking free safety.

Senor Weaselo

Do I get to curse out LeBron about his technique? *takes a quick look* Actually, it’s not awful, he just needs to bring his left shoulder down and straighten his wrist a little. I’ve seen worse in stock photos. Mr. James, I am available for lessons if you’d like them next time you play the Knicks/Nets.

Anyway, I’m gonna take Mike Trout at strong safety. 6’2″, 230, you know he knows how to play the ball.

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

Ovechkin would make an excellent DB, I’d lean free safety.

I nominate him solely because he’s one of my favorite athletes of all time ever, not much inherent comedic value beyond his awesome tweets

Wakezilla

“Jordin Tootoo.”

–Daniel Snyder–

“The Ben thinks he would like tiny ball of hate, Patrick Candy Kane as a best fwend.”

–Ben Rongrastname–

Dick E. Phuck

Pedroia
-Peter King

Sill Bimmons

Can you imagine Pedrioa and Ellsbury as the split backs in the wishbone?

I think it would be too much for his Allagash and lardaccino-soaked heart.

Don T

“Any Given Sunday” Willie Beamon, wide receiver.
-Al Campanis

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eli Manning has selected Buster Posey (position unspecified) on the basis of them being best friends at Camp Winnetanka.

Sill Bimmons

EAGLE RIVER?!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I’d have to take Hakeem Olajuwon. That dude was the most coordinated big man in the history of big men. He played soccer at 7 feet tall! He couldn’t even see the ball, it was so far away from him when he dribbled!

blaxabbath

Prince Fielder would be a fine goal line back. And Albert Pujols would be great just so the owners have a shining example of the worst possible thing that can happen with a guaranteed contract.

King Hippo

As a Most Glorious Baseball Cardinals fan, I can’t thank Artie Moreno enough for saving us from ourselves with that massive overpay. And of course, for Jeebus telling AP5 it was his will that he take the most money.

trollsoharduniversity

I’ll take Messier. You can’t teach leadership

blaxabbath

Ryan Braun.

Let him return one kickoff so his body can be destroyed for the rest of his life.

Fuck Ryan Braun.

Kungjitsu

You don’t put LeBron at WR/TE. You make him a defensive end. Think of J.J. Watt except bigger, stronger, faster and about 1000x more athletic (assuming LBJ would have access to and NFL “training table”)

packman_jon

BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS MOTOR?

trollsoharduniversity

I’d pick J.J. Watt since he’s not doing anything football related.

packman_jon

Man the internet is going crazy over what’s on Rex’s screen
comment image

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I LOVE YOU

packman_jon

I LOVE YOU TOO

Cuntler

GAY!

blordinaryfagicmox

I didn’t know they had DFO on digital picture frames these days.

Sill Bimmons

Why is that Bills hoodie Jets green?

TROJAN HORSE ALERT

montythisseemsstrangetome

Fred Filntstone imho,, guy literlly took a lunchpail ot work

Porky Prime

Yeah,but multiple concussions. Lots of bowling balls to the head.

Lothar of the Hill People

I thought Barney was the one who got all the balls on his face?

Porky Prime

American Pharaoh would be impossible to stop in the open field.

Lothar of the Hill People

Barbaro is the Napoleon McCallum of the horse world, then.

Enrico Pallazzo

I would very much enjoy watching Brock Lesnar take the Manning Brothers to Suplex City.

laserguru

The Vikings had him at training camp one year to try for a defensive line position.
Alas.

Enrico Pallazzo

the only good thing that the state of Ohio has ever produced

You forgot about a certain amazing umpire/opera singer/internet commenter, shit for brains!

blordinaryfagicmox

Joe West?

Porky Prime

Lebron would be a hell of a TE, but every time he had the ball, he’d try to pitch it off and get his teammates involved.

packman_jon

Kobe would be a terrible QB because he’d never pass to his teammates

Porky Prime

Yasiel Puig would be a Cuban RGIII. Fantastic debut, cannon arm, great athletic ability, a stunning lack of career growth, injury problems, hated in his own locker room, and the fanbase wishes he could get traded while there’s still value.

packman_jon

Usain Bolt

– Al Davis

packman_jon

I have no idea why I posted to here. Everclear and root beer isn’t a good way to start a morning (it’s a great way)

laserguru

Fuck Lebron, give me DeAndre Jordan as my tight end.

Plus he would finally be in a sport where he wouldn’t have to shoot free throws.

laserguru
makeitsnowondem

I want to see DeAndre Jordan kick extra points, though.

Wakezilla

Ryan Getzlaf of the Anaheim Ducks would be a great wideout. He’s 6’4, 221 and is fast. His brother Chris plays for the Saskatchewan Roughriders and admitted that Ryan is faster in a foot race. He’s also mean as hell and has soft hands. Apparently he was a really good tailback growing up, but decided to play hockey instead. Given his career, that was a pretty good choice.

PS: Hey, The Maestro! My BC Lions are going to kick the shit out of your Redblacks on Sunday! Redblacks? That’s not even a real thing! Manny Arcenaux doesn’t respect your corners, playa!

Wakezilla

Ha! Joke’s on you, The Maestro. Lulay already is hurt and nobody cares because he went full Andy Dalton this year. John Beck is where it’s at.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrPsHs_tAyg

Lothar of the Hill People

Serena Williams. She could cover LeBron and then eat him for lunch.

Wakezilla

Her big butt and size would be a running back coach’s dream.

blaxabbath

Or she could play O-line in front of Nacho with that ass.

Lothar of the Hill People

Nacho would get swallowed up in her ass.

It’d be like that gif of Homer going back into the bushes.

whorootbeerdatbe

I heard from a reliable source that Darrin Erstad played football in college.

Fronkenshteen

Jimmy Connors running back kickoffs! Oh, wait…Phil McConkey already happened.

makeitsnowondem

Tony Stewart, because he will run a guy over.

Lothar of the Hill People

You’re a horrible person… and I would like you to make more jokes like this.

packman_jon

And we’re done here

laserguru

I would take Jorge Soler, outfielder for the Cubs. He’s 6’5″ about 225, has great hands and a mean streak. He could be the next Megatron type wide receiver.
Plus he’s on the DL so he would fit right in.

Horatio Cornblower

Can we pick former players? Because if so I’m taking retired New Jersey Devils concussion machine Scott Stevens, because holy fuck could he hit people.

http://www.inlouwetrust.com/2013/8/7/4596130/scott-stevens-eric-lindros-possibly-the-greatest-hit-by-a-new-jersey-devil

laserguru

Holy god, I loved Scottie Stevens. If you questioned his hitting ability just ask Eric Lindros or Paul Kariya or…

Wakezilla

It’s always funny watching those Stevens hits and guessing how many games he’d get suspended for now. People forget that before he was a head hunter, Stevens was the King of hip checks in St. Louis.

My personal favorite hit of his was the one on Kozlov. Where his helmet ends up in the end is hilarious.

https://youtu.be/04ehv4xepJw

trollsoharduniversity

Fuck Scott Stevens with a rusty spoon

Sill Bimmons

This ought to do.

No rust but WAY more splinters:

http://travel.suejchiu.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/woodenspoon.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll take Glen “Big Baby” Davis as an offensive lineman. He’ll have no trouble adding the extra weight, and the man already knows his way around a concussion.