This Week In Fuck You Money

Old School Zero

Old School Zero

Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
Old School Zero

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So the Powerball jackpot was something like $500 million for last night’s drawing, and while I didn’t buy any tickets because I need that money for my krokodil, it did get me thinking a little about the absurd amount of money that would come from winning. After taxes, one would still get something like $200m to $300m, and while not a smooth half billion, that’s still a ridiculous amount of wealth to have to deal with.

Naturally, thinking of a bank account number so incomprehensible, I got to pondering what I would use it for. Sure, I’d suddenly have an inexhaustible travel fund and I’d finally be able to afford Legos again, but that much money is clearly Fuck You Money. And what good is having Fuck You Money if you don’t use it to loudly say FUCK YOU.

What I would do with my Fuck You Money portion of the winnings is this–I’d buy out those smug and shit for brains Mast Brothers, cash on the barrel, no strings attached, sell off their storefronts, and then call a big press gathering to their warehouse. Once the press and the former owners were assembled, I’d light the place on fire. No clean and sudden implosions; fuck that shit, I want the whole thing to burn and burn and burn. I’d keep feeding their chocolate bars to the fire. Then I’d have a laugh and go home and put the rest of the money to good use.

That’s just the first Fuck You Money idea I came up with–I know there are so many others. That’s your assignment for today–decide on what you’d use your Fuck You Money for and report back. None of that boring regular rich person shit either–no cars, no big homes, no super models, no endless booze and pills, no self-serving philanthropy–I want to hear about the truly ridiculous purposes you’d put your Fuck You Money towards.

 

Old School Zero
Old School Zero
Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
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SepSenor WeaseloPorky PrimeMoose -The End Is Well NighSill Bimmons Recent comment authors
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Sep

I’d buy the Republican party.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

When I win the $700 million jackpot on Saturday, (and I will win, because I bought three tickets), I am going to move to Key West, buy a large house in the old part of town and spend money until I die.

Which, given the location, should be by May.

You’ll want to worm your way into my will now.

blaxabbath

I think I put you in a Speakeasy post once. If not, I meant to.

Can I have $300k now?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I will worm you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It would be a year around small scale Moosemas, Factcheck.org would get the Draftking treatment. Certain behaviors would be…. “encouraged.”

http://40.media.tumblr.com/d098db4ee409c53c42d872c2f0fa2069/tumblr_nxb2gaTbXN1rsyqf9o1_540.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

In all seriousness, I’d probably use the money to just get a couple lawyers to completely harass my enemies at every turn until they did themselves in.

Short of FYM, my first project would be hiring an artist to do the Twilight Princess poster with me and my dog. Stupid, I know, but that’s how I’d spend my Excuse Me, But Get Bent Money.

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

Family of musicians means a Strad for me and a Bosendorfer for the father. If not a Strad, a del Gesu, and an Amati. I mean, $300 million should afford that. And their value goes up over time. Alternately only get one of the three and with the remainder hire the orchestra of my choice to play whatever I’m working on when I feel like it. The conductor at school said I couldn’t play the Brahms Violin Concerto due to it being too long? Fine, I’ll be in Berlin playing it with the Phil.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I had a kazoo once.

Senor Weaselo

And a new kazoo for Sill.

Doktor Zymm

There is a beer made by the Chicago brewery Alarmist called Pantsless! I’m drinking it right now! I’m even wearing a skirt so it’s totally not a misnomer!

...

Godddamnit. Why have I not heard of this beer?

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Is the Light version called Pantyless? Because that would be a great label.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Actual This Week In Fuck You?

Burst. Fucking. Pipes.

Soaked out both myself and my downstairs neighbor.

Never be a homeowner, kids.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Oh man, been there. Sorry to hear it.

blaxabbath

Aren’t you suppose to leave the faucet dripping or something overnight?

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I would pay 10000 people of all colors to organize outside the next NRA meeting with everyone packing combat-level heat.

Semi-automatic assault rifles and 19-shot pistols FOAR EVERYBODY

And I’m not stopping with the firearms. Oh, no.

BDUs, helmets, gas masks, body armor, magazine bandoliers, multiple knives, suspenders that hold things other than your pants–all festooned with whatever symbols of national/cultural pride each individual can Velcro.

And then we point and laugh as the NRA collectively shits its pants.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

With a big American flag that has Obama’s face in the star field.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Alternating Hillary/Obama faces as the 50 stars.

litre_cola

This thread is awesome and made my day. I would tour the world drinking only the best booze, and give my waiter/bartender the same stuff I am drinking. Start in Scotland, head down to France and just keep going until I hit China and pay for a new liver. You can do that there right?

Beerguyrob
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not sure if this is the kind of music WBALLS would play, but it got me fired up (to finish up my daily field report), so here you go:

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Ooh, this sounds like fun! Can I get a request in?”

– Adrian Peterson

[Request line will be back after the Superbowl. I hope you’re all as excited as I obviously am!]

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Hey, can I get one in too?”

– JJ Watt

[I have no idea what Watt’s politics are, but this just feels right]

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Don’t forget about us!”

– Dez Bryant

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Well, shit. This seems like it’s turning into a party.”

– Rob Ryan

[I know, I know, I’m getting carried away]

Beerguyrob

“Can you play this one about my cousins?”

– Chip Kelly

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Another sad reminder that every original member of the Ramones is dead, and Poison keeps on rocking.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is just kind of a throwaway one, but it’s not too expensive, so:

Buy a building in a really posh neighborhood – someplace that has gotten in trouble for exclusionary zoning practices based on race would be ideal. Then open a methadone clinic there, and provide extremely convenient transit access to it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If I have enough money it’s actually a good business idea, too, because the influx of a “bad element” will bring property values down, so I can snap them up at depressed prices, and then I just close the methadone clinic and make a mint. MORE FUCK YOU MONEY!

Thanks for the idea, Boondocks!

Horatio Cornblower

No one won. It’s going to be over $700 million by Saturday.

I might buy 3 tickets!

Duchess

pump the breaks… don’t go too wild

Doktor Zymm

Why have a DFO Clubhouse when we can have a DFO Island, self-sufficient and complete with old government facilities?

http://www.gsa.gov/portal/content/180067

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

How many monkey butlers will there be?

http://i.imgur.com/jXm6ByM.jpg

Clipboard Jesus
Clipboard Jesus

Well, 1 at first, but he’ll train others.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

It doesn’t say how much they want for it.

Doktor Zymm

I think it’s an auction.

Horatio Cornblower

Why buy an island? Apparently you can just walk into federal facilities in Oregon and just take ’em.

nomonkeyfun

Are you planing on doing some research there Dok?

I believe they’re taking the facilities with them to Kansas.

Sep

I was gonna say “Buy Cuba”, but this works also.

WCS

Buy Washington’s professional team, change the name, exile Dan Snyder to a Native American reservation in South Dakota, resell franchise someone else for double the money.

Doktor Zymm

Sadly, even the Bills, the lowest valued team in football, are worth $1.4 Billion.

WCS

THANKS FOR RUINING THE DREAM, DOK.

Doktor Zymm

I’m good at that sort of thing!

...

“THANKS FOR RUINING THE DREAM, KIRK!”

– Every [*Redacteds] fan two weeks from now

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Set up an IPO of a company dedicated to a hostile takeover of the Washingtons opening at $100 a share; common shares that would vest as common shares in the team when the company acquires it.

Use your millions to advertise it as a product and watch the money roll in.

Even the shitbag NFL owners couldn’t pass up a $3 billion offer.

Horatio Cornblower

Ol’ Double J could. The Cowboys are valued at 3.1 or 3.2 billion. Second most valuable sports franchise in the world. The first? Glad you asked! It’s either Barcelona or Real Madrid, at $3.6 billion.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I’d invent a time machine for one purpose only: To see some of the best live music performances from across history: My company will allow you to visit your 3 most favoritey bestest of the best music. Want to go see that early NWA show in Compton? I got you. Want to check out Chuck Berry in London during the 50s? Done. Want to have a weekend of filthy debauchery with the Rat Pack in Vegas? I’ll send you with a case of Jack Daniels for Ole Blue Eyes. Want to go to the opera in Austria or Paris in the 1800s? You’ll be there with plenty of opium. Shit, even Beethoven or Bach ain’t out of the question, as long as you say you’re Bill S. Preston, Esq.

Doktor Zymm

You should read this book, it sorta has something like that as part of the premise. Also, Robert Rankin is hilarious and awesome.
http://www.amazon.com/Drugs-Sausage-Rolls-Robert-Rankin/dp/0552147419

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

You’re not the first person to suggest that book actually. I’ve been meaning to pick it up.

I like to ask this idea as an ice breaker type question whenever I’m at some function where I don’t know many people, just to see the bands/artists that different people say. It’s rather a neat insight into a stranger, plus it usually leads to interesting conversations when someone says something stupid like going to see Milli Vanilli.

Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

I can get back to now, right? Because I would love to see the Harlem jazz scene in the 1930’s, BUT as an African-American I want zero part of anything pretty much before 1975. So getting back is a deal breaker.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

Of course you can come back to now. You ain’t stuck.

Besides, I’m absolutely going with you on that trip.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Does it have to be a top 3 favorite or can it be anyone?

I’ve seen my top 3 a lot and I’d like to branch out into N.W.A/Classic Orchestral.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

That’s totally fine.

...

My favorite example of someone hilariously fucking with people with money has to be The Great Stork Derby.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Stork_Derby

...

“Fuck you! I’m already doing this!”

– Donald Trump

Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

All of this would occur in metro-Jacksonville.

I’d build a massive fucking house on the beach that blocked out the sunrise for my across the street neighbors to the west. It would have porches all around every floor. On the oceanfront side of the porches I’d only have rum, and everyone would address me as Cap’n or Commodore (I haven’t decided which). On the westside of the porches I’d only have bourbon and everyone would address me as Colonel.

I’d buy a drivetime slot on one of the local sports talk radio stations and refuse to talk college football, like ever. Ironically, this would lead to me getting a Heisman vote, and every year I would vote for whoever was the best player from an HBCU. I would never talk about him, just his school’s marching band. I would interview Spanish speaking players and media members IN SPANISH at least twice a week. Fourth Saturday in November coming up? We got Ricky Rubio next, followed by Dan LeBatard. Remember, this is all taking place in Jacksonville, Florida.

Cocaine. Lots of cocaine.

...

I admire your restraint for not just buying a nuclear weapon to destroy Jacksonville.

ballsofsteelandfury

This is the best idea yet.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Buy a NASCAR racetrack. In some state that has absolutely insane open/concealed carry gun laws – maybe Texas? Use my newfound money and influence to schedule my race to be the most important one of the season – the last event in the “Harmonica Joe’s Prosthetic Toes Emporium” Cup or whatever the hell it is those hicks drive around in circles for.

As a special surprise, none after than President Obummer will drop the starting flag. A car painted with the flag of an Arab country – say, Iran – will emerge as the leader through a series of extremely questionable officiating decisions. Then, about two thirds of the way through the race, beer sales will be halted, the race shut down, and announcement will be made over the PA (in the most stereotypically homosexual voice ever heard) that Sharia Law has been instituted throughout the property.

SonOfSpam

Instead of the prerace National Anthem, play Bronski Beat’s “Smalltown Boy” while a gay couple gets married by Lady Gaga.

Beerguyrob

And serve the vegan jerky PETA fed to Y’all Queda.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, you KNOW there is going to be plenty of gay kissing going up on the Jumbotron.

Beerguyrob

Just cut out the middleman and stage a real-life version of James Caan’s “Rollerball”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am trying to figure out a way to convince half of them that the other half are there to take their guns away and vice versa.

Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

You could get that up and running in Daytona in like six hours. I remember the first time I stopped at a gas station in Daytona — it was an Amoco or Exxon, not a Cletus’s House ‘o Gas ‘n Shit — I was shocked because they sold 100 octane gasoline. There are so many people with race cars in Daytona that it makes sense for gas stations to carry 100 octane gas.

ballsofsteelandfury

There is a gas station in Pasadena, CA that sells race fuel. It is located at the beginning of the twistiest freeway in Southern California. It is a LONG way from the nearest racetrack.

You do the math.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Hordes of assassins.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Hire a team of people whose sole purpose is to annoy Peter King. Bonuses are determined by both frequency and creativity.

Starting tasks include:
⦿ Slapping cups of Starbucks/Allagash out of his hand
⦿ Making noise on the Acela Quiet Car
⦿ Interrupting “private meetings” with Goodell and Fav-rah
⦿ Sabotaging the Red Sox season

And yes, I am accepting applications.

Senor Weaselo

I will gladly sabotage the Red Sox season.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

⦿ ⦿
^
I—–I

Duchess

So I mean if no one wins in 2 more drawings that thing will be over a Billion

Duchess

Wow so no one won and the next drawing will be 700MM.

Senor Weaselo

Would that be considered “fuck you more” money or “fuck you harder” money? I’m unsure of the hierarchy of fuck yous.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Meanwhile, in the Alabama…

comment image?w=1000&h=600&crop=1

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Your next what??? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!

Duchess

I think that truck is Yoda Speaking

Your Next National Championship: Clemson.

...

Your parking is shitty. Stop trying to fit into the compact car spots.

SonOfSpam

*You’re

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I am stunned, STUNNED, there is not a single NOBUMMER sticker on that “vehicle.”

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Five USMC stickers, though.

It must be patriotic respect for the C in C.

Doktor Zymm

Because I’m a killjoy, I’m going to point out that :
a) the $500 million is the amount you would get if you got the payout over 30 years, the cash payout is usually about 60% of that amount, so about $300 million here.
b) With the bigger jackpots, there’s a much higher chance that you’ll have to split your prize, as someone else bought the same numbers as you. You might even have to split it 3 or 4 ways.

If you end up with a payout of $150 million, after taxes that goes down to about $100 million.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I’ve always looked at that math too, but I always think “what the hell would I do with 500M over the next 30 years that I couldn’t do with the 300M I get from the cash payout?”

Doktor Zymm

They’re giving you about a 3.8% interest rate if you take the payouts rather than the lump sum. This isn’t bad considering the security of the investment, as it’s higher than the real return you would get on something like treasuries. Also, with the payout option, you pay taxes on what you receive that year, rather than the lump sum. The amounts are enough that you’ll still be in the highest tax bracket, but politics will dictate whether that rate is higher or lower than it is now.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I know I know, but I just want to have a Scrooge McDuckian Vault as soon as possible so I may dive into all my cash. Math doesn’t figure into that image.

With that said, I’d totally take the long term payout, especially given the odds that you’ll be splitting the winnings with others.

Doktor Zymm

Well, yeah, the lump sum is way more fun 🙂

And you actually can math that, or rather behavioural economics that by talking about personal values of time discounting and “hedonic value.”

I actually would probably take the lump sum, invest about 2/3 of it, and spend the other 1/3 on something dumb. So really, my budget for this exercise is $30,000,000.

...

The State of Illinois dares you reconsider the security of lottery payouts.

http://abc7chicago.com/politics/il-lottery-sales-slump/1079866/

SonOfSpam

Yep. Lump sum for that reason alone. Plus, MONEY BONER.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

Side note to this, because I have not looked into the state economics, but states like OR, WA, CO (does Alaska have lottery? I forget) that have legalized weed, wouldn’t they have a cash reserve to ensure that something like this doesn’t happen? I mean, Colorado had to give money back because they made so damn much.

Obviously not Oregon, because they’ve clusterfucked their way into a marijuana economy.

Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

The problem with taking the annuity is that if you die the money stops.

...

/checks costs of naming rights deals.

Phew. Still enough to make someone name a stadium after my dick for at least five years! WOOOO.

Duchess

Fake companies to offer people I dislike jobs then close them all down when they are supposed to start work.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I hear Wolf Cola is hiring.

Duchess

What are you making right now? Man that is too low. Look, we are gearing up for a big 2016 fiscal year. I have one spot open you would be perfect for, it pays 10% more to pay for the extra 1hour of commute each day. We may also be able to swing a nice signing bonus to be received on day 1. What do you say? I need to know by the end of the week. You can start on Monday!

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I’m retiring back to Kauai to build my secret underground lair in the extinct volcano at the center of the island.

http://nerdreactor.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Picture-17.png?15016e

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I will be accepting applications from nefarious DFO members for high level positions in my organization. It is a high growth industry, with tremendous room for expansion for self starters who are highly motivated, but can also bring enthusiastic energy to the table. Our organization is dedicated to sabotaging any and all NFL broadcasts with terrible announcers, where we seek to replace and overthrow the current dictatorship in place.

All high level members receive the following perks:
– offices with a view (we’re on a freakin volcano)
– 24/7 free coffee
– free surf lessons
– flexible work schedules centered around high tides and swells
– all you can eat poi
– and as many Samoans as you can handle

...

YOU HAD ME AT FREE COFFEE

SonOfSpam

Throw in a 401k with at least 20% company match and I’m there.

Just kidding. I’ll be there for the poi, son.
/books Bell Biv Devoe for backyard concert.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

Done and done.

Healthcare is totally covered too; since being an evil organization and all, we of course, own all the healthcare insurance providers.

ballsofsteelandfury

When do I start?

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

As soon as your reference checks are complete.

/calls Tawmmy from Quinzee

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

What’s the dress code? Specifically, how do you feel about pants?

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

Never required except for weddings and funerals (though slippahs* are totally cool as long as they’re your dress slippahs). It’s Kauai.

*slippahs are local for flip flops

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Finally, all those years of Henching School are paying off!

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

After we fill out our high level positions, a welcome party is planned that features a live performance from H Jon Benjamin, providing voiceover work of HAL for the entire 2001: A Space Odyssey film.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0cqV3h-aDA

All current DFO members are invited.

Beerguyrob

One year whisky tour of Scotland. Start in Edinburgh, then work north. Then a ferry to Ireland; work way south. Buy favourite place. Invite Nick Offerman to ribbon cutting. Have Ray Davies play personal concert.

SonOfSpam

If you take a ferry to Ireland, make sure you two don’t march in any St Patrick’s Day parades.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Elaborate pranks disguised as acts of God against people who have wronged me? Elaborate pranks disguised as acts of God against people who have wronged me.

SonOfSpam

Like when Dubya flooded New Orleans during “Hurricane Katrina”?

RAIN CANNOT MELT STEEL LEVEES!

Duchess

Thanks Tila Tequela!

American Pie Story
American Pie Story

Ivy League grad school at all the schools, just so I can say I did it

King Hippo

In case anyone hadn’t already noticed, the DFO ladyfolk are smarter than the menfolk by like a factor ten. AT LEAST.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

Was that ever in any doubt?

Duchess

Fuck that I’d pay the tuition of underprivileged kids to build out half of each class for each ivy league school making all the other snotty shit head kids uncomfortable.

SonOfSpam

Put on a retro concert once a month in my backyard.

This month: Winger
Next month: Missing Persons
Undetermined future month: Florence and the Machine

Commentists attend for free, but I only serve beer. BYO Zima.

American Pie Story
American Pie Story

Can I triple like for Florence?

King Hippo

Me +1 Shake It Out

RayRay +1 Kiss With A Fist

SonOfSpam

Kinda figured you midwest folk would be more of a Winger crowd, but I’ll go ahead and book Ms Welch as soon as her popularity drops to county-fair level.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

BRING BACK NEW EDITION

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

The real thing I would do with $200-$300M is that I’d buy a radio station and play only good music that no one gets to hear anymore. I’d have special shows for different genres of music. Here is the kicker: no commercials. Ever.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Everybody’s got to hear the shit, on WBALLS, WBALLS, WBALLS.

ballsofsteelandfury

You know that would be the station ID every hour on the hour.

http://youtu.be/4rc2OUvsH0E

King Hippo

That made my day and then some.

...

A second station west of the Mississippi would be KBALLZ.

King Hippo

SETTING FIRES IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER

Don T

Buy all advertising time during MLB’s Opening Day broadcast; instead of commercials, run brief NFL highlights, the George Carlin baseball / football bit, and flash LATINOS MAKE THE AMERICAN PASTTIME PASSABLE YOU DUMB RACIST HICKS.
I have to work on the invective part, but yeah, that would be it.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

How about a separate commercial with footage of Nolan Ryan throwing multiple no-hitters in his 40s, with archival footage of talking heads saying he was a physical freak who defied age followed by the text “oh, but let’s keep Clemens and Bonds out.”

ballsofsteelandfury

If FUCK YOU money doesn’t mean murdering your enemies and getting away with it, I don’t know what FUCK YOU money is.

ballsofsteelandfury

Btw, I still don’t think $300 M is FUCK YOU money.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

It’s FUCK most of YOU MONEY.

nomonkeyfun

Someone’s still not getting anal?

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

I would also produce a computer animated Moosemas special and put it on Netflix, with the casts of Always Sunny and Archer providing voice work.

blaxabbath

I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities…

Or-

http://i.imgur.com/Mi7Fy2l.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

Option 2. Always option 2.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime
...

Easy, buy some naming rights. Stan Kroenke would gladly take my cash for his L.A. team can play in “Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli’s Rod Is the Biggest and Best Ever Stadium.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I will give this more thought over the course of the day, but the very first thought that popped into my head was to buy up the rights to the Star Wars franchise and remake episodes 1-3, but make them even WORSE.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Qui-Gon Jinn? Gungan.
Mace Windu? Gungan.
Darth Maul? Gungan.
Jar-Jar Binks? Narrating like the shitty cut of Blade Runner.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Shia LaBeouf as Anakin Skywalker

Quite possibly the only person worse than Hayden Christensen…

Sep

YES!!! The collective nerd tears would probably put Florida underwater and sustain me forever and ever.

laserguru

I would give it all to Mark Davis with the only stipulation being keep the Raiders OUT of LA.

Fuck you indeed.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

I wouldn’t mind if the Raiders pulled the other bluff and moved to San Antonio. There’s plenty of room for two teams in Texas!

makeitsnowondem

Remember the skywritten shit-talk about Donald Trump at the Rose Bowl? That, but about Josh McDaniels, at every NFL game forever. I mean forever. I will set up a perpetual trust just for this.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

I’d hire Gordon Ramsay and the broad from Nanny 911 to run my kitchen and household.

But at night they’d have to get into drunken, heated, expletive-filled arguments over random topics pulled out of a hat.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s buying uproxx?

American Pie Story
American Pie Story

I’d buy back KSK and preserve it forever, then nuke the rest of Uproxx.

Then I’d use the remaining 299 million to finally achieve those Pinterest lifestyle/fashion blogger look #goals and finally ~feel fulfilled or whatever

Senor Weaselo

Does this include getting the band back together?

http://thenewswheel.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/The_Blues_Brothers.jpg

Beerguyrob

#FuckYouMoney
#That’sWhat’sUp

Enrico Pallazzo

Sounds like you want to perform a Mastectomy IMO.