This Week In Fuck You Money

So the Powerball jackpot was something like $500 million for last night’s drawing, and while I didn’t buy any tickets because I need that money for my krokodil, it did get me thinking a little about the absurd amount of money that would come from winning. After taxes, one would still get something like $200m to $300m, and while not a smooth half billion, that’s still a ridiculous amount of wealth to have to deal with.

Naturally, thinking of a bank account number so incomprehensible, I got to pondering what I would use it for. Sure, I’d suddenly have an inexhaustible travel fund and I’d finally be able to afford Legos again, but that much money is clearly Fuck You Money. And what good is having Fuck You Money if you don’t use it to loudly say FUCK YOU.

What I would do with my Fuck You Money portion of the winnings is this–I’d buy out those smug and shit for brains Mast Brothers, cash on the barrel, no strings attached, sell off their storefronts, and then call a big press gathering to their warehouse. Once the press and the former owners were assembled, I’d light the place on fire. No clean and sudden implosions; fuck that shit, I want the whole thing to burn and burn and burn. I’d keep feeding their chocolate bars to the fire. Then I’d have a laugh and go home and put the rest of the money to good use.

That’s just the first Fuck You Money idea I came up with–I know there are so many others. That’s your assignment for today–decide on what you’d use your Fuck You Money for and report back. None of that boring regular rich person shit either–no cars, no big homes, no super models, no endless booze and pills, no self-serving philanthropy–I want to hear about the truly ridiculous purposes you’d put your Fuck You Money towards.