Go West, Young Chip

Wellllllll…. this should be interesting…

Charles E. “Chip” Kelly has accepted the position of head coach of the Santa Clara San Francisco 49ers. I mean, when your team president and noted thin-skinned dickbag Jed York couldn’t get along with noted successful sociopath and discount khaki enthusiast Jim Harbaugh, it’s a brilliant idea to bring in noted weirdo control freak, Chip Kelly. I mean, just look at this guy:

God, what a tool.

Personally, I can’t wait for endless TAEKS on how FASTFASTFASTFASTFASTFAST the Niners offense will be. CAN CHIP SAVE COLIN KAEPERNICK’S CAREER? WILL CHIP MANDATE ORGANIC KALE SMOOTHIES? We demand answers!

Terms of the deal haven’t been posted in their entirety, though the Niners will offset some of the $13 million the Iggles still owe Chip not to coach for them. Chip will not be replacing Trent Baalke as the de facto general manager, so our hopes of watching him trade away Carlos Hyde, Anquan Boldin, and Torrey Smith and three draft picks for Riley Cooper, Rex Burkhead, and a box of organic walnut clusters won’t come to fruition in the near future.

Get your yellow bats ready. This could be fun.

Tonight’s viewing lineup is pretty JV hoops-laden. #4 Sparty hosts #16 Iowa on TWWL at 19:00, and at 21:00 we have #20 Pitt (boo) at #21 Louis Ville. Also at 21:00 on TWWL2, the Fighting Mormons (quite literally!) are at #25 Gonzaga (how do those freaks stay so consistent? Ever been to Spokane? Ew.) On Fox Sports 1, as at 21:00 is Washington at #16 Arizona.
There’s also quite a few contests on the ice tonight. The Brooklyn Islanders are in MSG to play the Rangers, there’s an Original Six match-up with the Blackhawks in Montreal, and the league-leading Washington Crapitals (see what I did there?) host the Vancouver Canucks.

Lastly, the Republican candidates have their 54th debate on FOX Business (which apparently is an actual network?) at 21:00, if you’re a masochist and subscribe to far too many channels from your cable provider.