Your “A Bauer of Hours Until The Draft” Wednesday Open Thread

I assume the face most GMs see in their dreams the night before the draft is Jack Bauer.

It is a nightmare, naturally, as the GM slogs through the dank, polluted streets of their town, running uphill through mud, having to take the stairs since the elevators just don’t work, trying to beat the clock and get their pick in to a cackling ginger demon.

“Chi-town is draft town!”

The whole while, a rabid fanbase is getting ever closer, screaming for blood and demanding that all the franchise’s historic wrongs be righted on this one day. They hunger, be it for championships or mediocrity, but they are always demanding and pressing for more.

FAAAACCCKKK YOUUUUU!!!

He runs as fast as he can, barely staying ahead of the slavering mob. Always running; heart racing; never out of range. Just when he turns a corner and thinks he’s safe – there’s Jack.

Gun in hand, he screams, “WHO IS IT?!”, ‘WHO MADE THE CALL?!”, and “WHERE’S MENDOZA?!!”, because even in dreams Jack Bauer is always on the hunt. When the GM doesn’t answer right away, Jack has to use a little persuasion

“I’LL FEED YOU TO THEM!” Jack screams, pointing at the fanbase, which has somehow slowed down yet gotten closer. “WHO’S THE PICK?!”

Chris Weinke?

“I don’t know…” the GM weeps, “it’s not up to me. It’s whatever the owner’s 8-ball says”.

“8-ball?”

“LIAR!” screams Bauer, as he grabs the GM and hurls him out the window.

Waking up just before he hits the ground, covered in sweat, the GM realizes that his future, and his family’s, rests on the decisions that will be made today.

Except in Cleveland. They always hit the ground in Cleveland.

His wife, having left the bedroom earlier in the night due to the screaming, returns with a smile and a cup of coffee. She worries about him – wondering when the stroke will come, has the will be updated, and will she be in the passenger seat? “Don’t worry, honey”, she purrs, “it’ll all be over tonight. Why don’t you watch the news?” She turns on the TV and leaves the room, the Xanax finally taking effect. The GM turns to the screen, hoping to catch the basketball highlights, when the screen suddenly becomes his nightmare…

And it ends…

Liveblog tomorrow! Get your picks in!

Until then, the games!

NHL:

  • Islanders @ Lightning – 7:00 – Round 2 Game 1
  • Predators @ Ducks – 10:00 – Round 1 Game 7

NBA: (all are Game 5)

  • Hornets @ Heat – 8:00
  • Blazers @ Clippers – 10:00
  • Rockets @ Warriors – 10:30

Sweet dreams, Trent Baalke.

 

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude

http://i.imgur.com/AtZaU0y.gif

Fans got stuck in traffic…

King Hippo

would peeps have cared more in that great Ice Footbaw Mecca of Nashville?

Duchess

see thats why they want 2 NFL teams in LA. So they can possible seel 3/4ths of the seats between the two of them. Ya know to the visiting team

Duchess

Im not saying I’m a Browns fan… but dang it I would like to see them play well.

Unsurprised

You could cheer for the Ravens. They’re sort of the Browns.

Duchess

I’ll take sadness over stabbings.

Doktor Zymm

Yeah….there comes a time when it stops being (as) fun and just starts being sad (but also still kinda fun).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would love for the Browns to commonly beat Pittsburgh and Baltimore, but that is just hatred for those teams in addition to just wanting something different in that division.

Unsurprised

Oh, and yes. I made most of these. If they’re in their own gallery, I made the gifs. There are a couple I made in the miscellaneous gif gallery, but I can’t remember which.

It’s a nice side effect of having learned Photoshop and knowing where to find look books and modeling mega-fans.

Unsurprised

I’ll have to rectify leaving Dok Zymm out of the fun.

Doktor Zymm

Eh, I’m a good sport. Though some sexy men pics are always appreciated.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Inorite?????
Moar Penus!!!!!

Doktor Zymm

So this is a thing I ordered. It does not come with instructions. I spent about 45 minutes with this picture and one of the back figuring out how to put the damn thing on. I’m still not 100% sure I’ve got it right, but after some consultation with the Pats fan we agreed it didn’t really matter.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51cwq6N814L._UX342_.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO
Best gif response ever.

JustStopDude

Looks better than the one I got in the mail…

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude

Some of us…have more…refined…tastes…

http://i.imgur.com/SFEDe5k.gif

JustStopDude
JustStopDude
Unsurprised
theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow….she’s really excited about clean sheet day, huh?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WAS clean sheet day.

Doktor Zymm

Interesting, she appears to have her panties on over the garter straps. That always seemed like the more practical approach to me, but people usually do it the other way around.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You frighten me.
(to be clear, only because I noticed this as well….and recently had a “spirited” discussion on this subject with someone)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It seems like the kind of thing Prince would have kicked someone out of bed for.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is she a real cop?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I sure hope so. If she doesn’t have handcuffs I’m gonna be way disappoint.

Unsurprised

Better. She’s Russian.

Unsurprised

Okay, so I have managed to collect a ton of images over the last couple of months. I blame Moose and Mark Trestman’s Windowless Van.

The rest of the Kelly Brook gifs and some photos: http://www.imagebam.com/gallery/x2125hjaxpavdmsd1w40buhbwzfqc5n9

http://115.imagebam.com/download/jm5I2KS3sAKm9BRmxTEFag/48019/480184495/Kelly-Brook-Caps-2015-Calender-Video-9.jpg

Duchess

remember ladies too much douching has been linked to increased risks of cancer

http://larrybrownsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Johnny-Manziel-Scott-Disick.jpg

Doktor Zymm

Also yeast infections!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Damn you, opportunistic candida!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippocrates….schmippocrates.

Unsurprised

To make up for ruining your night with the earlier unpleasantness.

http://116.imagebam.com/download/7Lk5H9D4Kb0FXalXEWW43A/48024/480239499/Kelly-Brook-white-5.gif

Redshirt

Its a start. Now keep it up.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

At least Swanny is still afloat…

Duchess

Still think this should have been the pic for his rookie year football card

http://nowyoutwokiss.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/20140707-084603-31563638.jpg

Spur

Is the Manziel mugshot available yet? I can’t seem to find it.

Duchess

sorry thats from 2012.. have to be more specific about JFF musgshots 😉

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

New School Zero send that to you?

JustStopDude

Ha…just saw that if the Foxes win one more game, bookies in England are at an estimated loss of over $14.5 million USD.

That’s leg breaking losses there!

WCS

Time to dispatch this guy:

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Doktor Zymm

I’m reminded :

Duchess

fuck madonna remember when Guy Richie made great movies? Yeah before marrying that succubus/

King Hippo

I would have thought they would have made a killing by all the bets on the “clubs that matter” that wouldn’t cash at all, not the 5-10 weirdos at the pub who put a tenner on the 5,000:1 sides on a lark.

JustStopDude

The Brits gamble at a slightly lower rate than the US has gun violence incidents.

Its staggering the amount of money involved…

Doktor Zymm

In a sudden twist, a friend of mine who happens to be a Browns fan will be sleeping in my glamorous guest accommodations that consist of an air mattress on my living room floor tomorrow night. No matter who the Browns pick, I plan on making fun of him for being a Browns fan.

King Hippo

You should make a special sign “Factory of Sadness Air Mattress of Shame”

Doktor Zymm

I wish I had time to order custom Factory of Sadness sheets. That would be glorious, and well worth the money.

Spur

Will Kaep be traded tomorrow?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“I’d cut Colin, but then I’d just be a thug like him.”

–Chip Kelly, probably

Duchess

3rd rounder for him? Do the 9ers think they could get a 2nd for him? Possilbly Bradford was traded for a 2nd rounder.

Redshirt

If Broncos don’t get a QB in 1st or 2nd round, then yeah.

JustStopDude

I just realized its my birthday tomorrow.

I really need to start tracking the days of the week and shit…

This also means that I am suppose to be on vacation this week.

I am a fucking idiot…

Doktor Zymm

Happy Birthday! Also, maybe don’t go into work tomorrow.

JustStopDude

Nah fuck that…since I was suppose to be gone all week…they shouldn’t bitch about me skipping out two days for a long weekend.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Happy Birthday!!!!!
(sorry to hear about the idiot part though….I’ve got some pamphlets from the doctor which might be of help)
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-i-tsySriekY/UzxCo4SsRvI/AAAAAAAAUEI/5wLqNbA3S10/s1600/43e850db4a1b947b8a03e4ea6096b04f.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hawt Taek incoming….
I’m already tired of hearing about the NFL Draft. Frankly, they can all go get fucked.

/ducks multiple rotten fruit/vegetable projectiles

King Hippo

you picked the wrong weekend for the 4-day beach hiatus then ,, smh

/fucking infidel

theeWeeBabySeamus

I been telling meself that same damned thing for the last 3 days.

Redshirt

On the bright side, there should be no lines everywhere except bars.

Spur

Howdy Folks. Happy Draft Eve!

King Hippo

Hoping Santa brings us a Dak Prescott!!

Spur

I hope Jerry Claus brings us a Bosa.

WCS

YYYEEEEHHHHAAAWWWWWW THE OL’ DOUBLE J CLAUS IS BRINGIN’ IN TWO NEW GODDAMNED STARS THIS YEAR! WE’RE TRADIN’ AWAY OUR PICK FOR THAT GOOD OL’ TEXAS BOY, JOHNNY MUTHAFUCKIN’ FOOTBALL, AND HIS BUDDY, JOSH GORDON! THEY’RE GONNA BE STARS, I TELL’S YA! I AM FUCKIN’ CRAZY!

Spur

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King Hippo

me too because that’s what I predicted in teh contest

Redshirt

Tomorrow during the NFL Draft, I will be on pain meds for the first time in my life.

Will I be awake?
Will I be grumpy?
Will I be goofy?
Will I think my skin is some sort of fleshy, hairy bodysuit and attempt to take it off?

Find out tomorrow!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Said no Hippo in EVAR!!!!!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Will you find Trump to be at least somewhat reasonable?

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Redshirt

I do not like him in a pool
I do not like him in a school.
I do not like that orange ham.
I do not like him Sam-I-Am.

Unsurprised

Son of Sam was a pussy.

— Ted Cruz

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He won’t be THAT fucked up.

King Hippo

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

Gratliff

Getting prescribed pain killers can be amusing. I’ve never done drugs I wasn’t prescribed, and I’ve never drank enough to be drunk. Yes, I’m that guy. When I had my wisdom teeth basically strip mined out of my gums, they put me on Vicodin. Oddly enough, I have a natural resistance to pain medication. For a month, I got to experience the lovely mix of cringing in pain and laughing my ass off at nothing in particular. Fun times, and probably more enjoyable in hindsight than it was when my gums were bleeding. If it weren’t for the unique way in which I’m a broken human being, I’d probably find out if it’s more enjoyable if you’re not also getting elbowed in the brain by your jaw.

King Hippo

so you got the goofiness, but NOT the painkilling? And JEEBUS, if you didn’t get that with wisdom tooth extraction, dunno how you managd not to black out in agony.

Gratliff

Still so much better than before. For the month and a half or so leading up to it, the pain was so severe that I would was sleeping less than probably 1.5 hours total a day. I could be mid-sentence, and if the pain subsided, I’d just pass right out. That was a fucking exquisite pain.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

It’s almost 9. Why are we still awake, with the draft tomorrow?

montythisseemsstrangetome

Oklahoma court rulings keeping me up

King Hippo

got yew a purty mouth, huh?

montythisseemsstrangetome

The dog’s been looking at me funny.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Just A Thought-

Let’s walk away from this mouth-rape thing before one of us says something stupid/thoughtless.

herodotus450

I bet the girl was black and the guy was white.
/That’ll learn ya not to tell me not to say something stupid/thoughtless.

All rise for the Honorable Judge Xenomorph

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Better than some associate circuit judges I’ve seen. She’s harsh but fair

Don T

A mouth inside a mouth? That’s no judge; that’s a plaintiff tort lawyer.

King Hippo

my entire life is a series of regrets ,, smgdh

Don T

Nulla poena sine leg–
/Struck with copy of Common Sense for Dummies

I hope you guys are resting your “B”, “O”, “H”, and “A” fingers for tomorrow.

Wakezilla
theeWeeBabySeamus

Full set of teeth.
2/10….would not mouth rape.

King Hippo

all the excite of a true regular J-E-S-T/Bucs matchup, too. But less rapey.

JustStopDude
montythisseemsstrangetome

JustStopDude
scotchnaut

CANADA-

Come visit a land where rulings concerning unconscious mouth-rape are pretty much non-existent.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Sooooo… that means it’s okay?

scotchnaut

[gist of joke flies over]

[Monty looks up]

montythisseemsstrangetome

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JustStopDude

I got a thing for pretty mouths…

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Holee Sheet…the catch by Rays’ RF Souza to rob Os’ Chris Davis of extra bases.
Oughtta be #1 on SCTop10 tonight, but it won ‘t be (fuck you NBA).

montythisseemsstrangetome

Any Portugal The Man fans? They got a little overexposed on commercials a year or so ago, but that seems to have waned.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

Hell’s yeah!

scotchnaut

Sure it tastes good on a bagel but cream cheese is a food disaster. How far away is it from Easy Cheese? Not more than a few paces…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Your seeeester sure likes it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Counterpoint: cheesecake

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Check and fucking mate.

scotchnaut

I stand by my stand. It tastes good but it’s a god-awful food stuff.

King Hippo

YOU ARE ALL MONSTERS. How can one even LOOK at that shit?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Communist traitor.

King Hippo

Da! The bestest kind, comrade!!

Wakezilla

I found out today that the DMV has nothing on Passport offices. Holy fuck, there is a special place in hell for the scumbag Passport agent I had to deal with today.

It is so weird to see the NHL have two games on tonight, but each game is in a different round.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My passport was one of the easiest government dealings I’ve ever had, but that was a while ago before. HSD.

Wakezilla

YMMV, I guess. All I know is,I’m fairly certain my skin turned green in a fit of rage.

/breathes into a paper bag

Unsurprised

I hope someone gets Oklahoma drunk and mouthrapes it.

Oklahoma court: oral sex is not rape if victim is unconscious from drinking https://t.co/OxahU8zwXD— The Guardian (@guardian) April 27, 2016

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

JESUS FUCKING H. CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK FUCK?!?!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

People are lithesome creatures.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Of any of the states that would have this verdict Oklahoma is one of the least surprising, although 21 states fit in that category. Fucking assholes.

montythisseemsstrangetome

“See?”

– Darren Sharper

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Must have been a jury of his peers.

herodotus450

Seems like their argument is that someone cannot object when unconscious, and therefore they cannot said to have been coerced if they never resisted. And there is a separate law/criminal charge for unconscious victims which was not at hand since it only specifically calls out vaginal and anal forcitude.

herodotus450

And in that very article they quote an expert who calls the ruling “appropriate” according to the law (by way of calling the law itself the problem). If I could retract my click which was brought about, baited if you will, from that tweet, I would.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

True, but WTF? This part “someone cannot object when unconscious, and therefore they cannot said to have been coerced if they never resisted.” It would seem to me that if someone is unconscious, that by logic and law they are not consenting to anything, but I’m no lawyer. That sounds like a Darren Sharper/ Bill Cosby defense.

herodotus450

The boy claims it was consensual, the girl turned out to have a .34 BAC; seems unlikely a 16 year old was conscious at that level unless she’d had a lot of practice. Maybe, assuming Oklahoma is not a complete confederate shit hole, the DA knew the case was weak, hoped it would it least get the kind of attention it’s getting now and the appropriate law can get passed. Better than the whole thing going away quietly?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If it was an OU athlete we would not have heard about it.

Wakezilla

So what you’re saying is, we need to recreate that monkey with the tortoise gif to the people in favor of oral sex not being rape if the person is passed out? Agreed.

King Hippo

Look at Tampa gettin’ all chippy, like a real side! And when did they arena stop being all Amway-ish??

Unsurprised

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King Hippo

An 8 ball sounds just LOVELY!!

Also, Ted Cruz is a real moe-ron.

JustStopDude
Unsurprised

Penelope Cruz is an underrated director. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpqhUpiUYy8

Unsurprised

I spent my time waiting for the dryer making this and others. The ultimate:
http://116.imagebam.com/download/ABVuU55BZ0syi3Z2ZEkVbA/48023/480228221/irinashayk-9.gif

Unsurprised
Wakezilla

You make these? How?

Unsurprised

Photoshop and patience.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The important thing about this draft is not who gets picked where, it’s who we can make fun of the most between the Jets, [REDACTED]s, Eagles, Rams, and Browns

Unsurprised

Dude’s a Browns fan. What was he expecting?

JustStopDude
montythisseemsstrangetome

A Browns fan who SHOWED UP TO THE DRAFT

Unsurprised

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jjfozz

THIS DRAFT, I CALL IT THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEX, BECAUSE I HAD EXTENSIVE SCENARIOS FOR WHO WOULD BE FIRST, AND THEN IT WAS OVER IN 30 SECONDS.

JustStopDude
Unsurprised

How’d you know there was a Mexican involved?

jjfozz

Except it was a midget with a wooden leg and an eyepatch, but one hell of a cook.

indieguy

wooden leg and a hell of a cook? Yeah right was there?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh, you said COOK…

JustStopDude

I figured there would be a team of wannabe wiseguys shouting abuse from the sidelines of the love making…

ballsofsteelandfury

This needs to be tomorrow’s banner quote.

JustStopDude

How tits awesome would it be if a drunk Johnny Football just showed up and took a seat?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wearing a fake moustache and blond wig.

JustStopDude

http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/manziel-nfl-draft-cleveland-browns-hat-money-sign-johnny-manziel-gifs.gif

We all want this to happen…to the same team…hell…it might not even be the worst pick the Browns ever have made, taking Manziel a second time!

jjfozz

My sons are each betting me $5 on the Ravens’ first round pick. If I’m right, I’m taking the money from them. I don’t care.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well done, sir

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