YEEEAAAHHHHH BOOOYYYEEEEE! I AM SO FREAKIN’ PUMPED FOR THIS GAME! (it’s midnight somewhere, right?) And I don’t even have a dog in this fight. I imagine Bronc/Panthers fans have spent the day peeling themselves from various ceilings much to the consternation of their co-workers/loved ones/friends. I liken this feeling to when I was younger and anticipated playing in a championship baseball or basketball game-giddy and excited and revelling in the anticipation itself.
Sure there’s a shit-ton of detritus that surrounds the sport and there’s no need for me to go on about it here. We tackle that shit on an on-going basis the same way that a certain coach from Kansas City tackles the “All You Can Eat And Rub On Your Face Innards Special” at The Offal House. There’s…Just…Something…About…This…Game. Whatever it may be, it is my master tonight. TO THE GAME!
Panthers/Broncos: There’s tons of hand-wringing out there in Denver fandom about this Siemian fella. The qb’s CV is thinner than the audience at an “Anne Coulter Appreciation Night”. He’s got all of three quarters of exhibition play under his not-onion belt. No one seems to know anything solid about his arm strength but he is said to be a fan of the slant route but crap, what qb in the league isn’t? Kubiak, a big fan of the Northwestern grad, and the coaching staff will do their best to keep Trevor (Trevor? Who names their kid Trevor?) out of 3rd and long spots because that talented Panther lb crew will be jumping those slant routes looking for an easy pick-six. In useless stat news, Denver has won 15 of their last 16 home openers.
Possessor of 16 career sacks, dt Kawaan Short is only 121.5 short of the record at his position. My money says he doesn’t get it tonight. Cam has a paltry 11.1 QBR vs. Denver in two meetings and Von Miller aims to drive that rating down even lower. In related news, Michael Oher’s ears are burning. Wr’s Funchess and Benjamin have to be the biggest pair in the league, right? No, I don’t acknowledge the existence of one year wonder Ted Ginn Jr., thanks for not asking. Both teams are relatively injury-free right now although I just learned that wr Bennie Fowler is out. Thing is, I don’t know which team he plays for.
And there you have it-one of the most comprehensive, salient, insightful game intros that you’ve ever just read. Of course you’re welcome! NOW LET’S TEAR THIS PLACE UP!*
*in an orderly, respectful manner
Jesus Fucking christ this “comedy” is worse than that conservative version of the Daily Show.
Hey, I tried to get the ball(s) rolling, but then Entropy made fun of me and I hid under the couch.
Reply fail due to auto-reload. That was supposed to be a reply to Sill.
Buddy confession:
I used to help write intros for Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld circa 2009-10. It was a glorious time, and I loved that show.
You know, for a dick joke blog, not many dick jokes so far.
http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1340497692633_5533564.png
Taking a guess, the band will not be paid by the NFL but instead is doing it for exposure.
I’m about to go pull a double Van Gogh over this OneRepublic thing.
This is what happens when Lemmy, Bowie, and Prince die within a year of each other.
Only reason I am watching the game is for the ONEREPUBLIC performance
This “band” should be lowered slowly into a volcano.
I refuse to give this pre game bullshit my viewing. Turn the channel folks maybe they will stop with this dumb stuff.
A decade of screaming about how much we hate Joe Buck has done fuck all to get rid of him, I doubt we’ll get rid of this shit any time soon.
Just want an NFL broadcast needs, generic, milquetoast, unremarkable pop music.
Is Denver a nice city to vacation at? And i don’t like weed.
Ugh, serious Buddy caveat:
Went there when I was 19 in 2009 and it one of my favorite vacations, if not my favorite. Our hotel was in the ‘burbs but a 2 minute walk from the light rail that takes you downtown. Had a rental car because we wanted to see Colorado Springs and the like, namely the Air Force Academy.
I thought it was a good time.
[mute]
I want to see CBQUE tonight. Please god make it happen.
One republic sucks dead dinosaur dick.
My plans for Sunday:
Wake up
Leave for Ravens game
Drink beer
Go to Capitol Grill
Barf in Uber ride
/thinks wistfully about vodka in freezer
//looks at front door, but wife doesn’t magically appear
DAMMIT, POSITIVE THOUGHT IS A BUNCH OF CRAP
Every time I see Cam Newton, I smile because I know that there are plenty of stupid ignorant rednecks and old racist white people losing their minds. It’s almost as good as wiping my ass with a confederate flag.
So I’m not the only one always wants to rip down those “don’t tread on me” flags and use em as welcome mats?
Hey, the guy at the end of my street has one of those. It matches his Trump banner nicely.
Well old people are conditioned to be leery of Black Panthers.
What the fuck is a onerepublic
C:\>MANNINGBOT DISENGAGE
execute upgrade_QB_bot c:\manningbot.exe
new_QB_bot c:\sploogeQB.exe
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http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Drunk-Mellie-2.gif
Oh, NBC and NFL Network is the same feed. I want different talking heads.
Just give me two hours of Eisen, Deion, and Irvin in a bar and I am happy.
Awww nice to see two generations of Newtons shit their pants uncontrollably.
Interviewer: Cam, some say you’re a narcissist.
Cam: That’s because everything’s about meeeeeeee
Computer died for the 2nd time in a month this morning
Shitty walmart HP laptop ENGAGE
(took me 3 attempts to properly log on to DFO, not good hustle wordpress)
I can’t wait until we get to make the first “Siemianception” joke. I’m gonna go with the over/under being 5 minutes of game time.
SPERMCEPTION
Maybe we can just shout “zygote!” make it easier on ourselves?
Siemiandown! Spermdown!
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Have I told ya’ll lately how much I hate living in a “swing state”?
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Yrq3iqjMicI/TyZQogo_Z_I/AAAAAAAASyg/RtVEAVuUqDA/s1600/funny_gif_selection10.gif
You don’t like fucking multiple partners?
Gaaaaaah, I really hope NBC is streaming the game in 30 mins, otherwise I’m gonna have to put pants on for the first time today and have to look at other peoples stupid faces at the bar.
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“Rodney Harrison: Trevor Siemian is not a black guy but Simeon Rice is”
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Damn it.
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Ladies…gentlemen…I understand that this is the proper forum in which to gather, to better elucidate ourselves and our fellow enthusiasts on the proper forms of etiquette and the finer points of rules administration in that sport known as…
FUBAW!!!
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Hi Everyone!
Am here for the football and dick jokes.
Go Cowboys!
/dick joke
Early in the season for low hanging fruit, ain’t it?
Sometimes you just have to take a swing at the easy ones.
We did it. We survived the offseason.
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My condolences for being a ‘Nati sports fan.
Here’s something good:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtmFCzUq810
Its not all bad. The derpiness makes the rare successes a little bit sweeter.
Foobaw is back.
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How great would it be if Cam sits during the anthem? The takes would be immediate, volcanic, and oh so racist!
Or maybe he could raise a black-gloved fist.
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It’s better with the baby included. And pesto.
Why not both?
I hope he wears a Dolemite hat!
Do I trust the Donks D enough to make some big plays to offset the fact that they’re going to be on the field for like 40 minutes and give up a shitton of yards and points?
The Bills season opener is against the Jets on a Thursday night.
Nice to the see Ralph will look like Fallujah next week.
I’m planning on watching it with my Bills fan friend. I hope to give her endless amounts of grief. Also it’s apparently New Era Field now?
Yes, a new era of Superfund-addled corpses lining the Orchard Park creeks.
I don’t know a single Bills fan, so that means I’ll be watching with my Jets fan friends… ah christ. They’re gonna shit the bed, aren’t they?
It’s the Jets, so yes.
The Jets, or your friends?
*raises hands*
S! H! I! T! BED BED BED!
I don’t know you well enough to tell you THAT story yet, so we’ll go with the Jets for now.
Fair enough.
I have many Coors Lights in the fridge, but this feels like a “good beer” night.
Maybe Coors Regular, or perhaps Olympia.
Coors Original! The Banquet Beer!
Go for it, my man.
(Remember, this is the guy who drank a whole goddamn case of Mich Ultra one gameday last season. You may wish to adjust your expectations accordingly)
A whole case? That’s like, over 50 carbs!
I’d run out of everything else, and decided to see if I could down the whole thing. Turns out, I could. Not my best idea, but it was funny at the time.
I did that during a Super Bowl (to be funny)…killed an 18 pack of Miller 64, and was looking for more by halftime. Lotsa quality pissing at least.
http://cjwbeer.com/sites/default/files/beers/keystone-light.jpg
I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU ANY MORE.
It’s ok, I’m still huffing spray paint and butt chugging quaaludes.
Go with the Oly, especially if you have stubbys. It’s the water.
“the” always felt superfluous in that slogan.
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Too Many Selfies?
It’s only a selfie if you are by yourself.
It’s a snake eat lizard eat cockroach league out there.
http://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/scalefit_630_noupscale/57d166e11600004425c016e0.jpeg
ah fuck
I have always wanted to ask a lead singer the following question:
“When you wear skinny jeans, what technique do you use to tape your cock up?”
My guess:
“I leave it in its harness on a hook in the tour bus, why?”
I read somewhere that zika can survive up to three months in the denver QB.
God, I still cannot believe that desiccated husk of Dixie won a Super Bowl last year.
I had a roommate in college whose name was Trevor. Trevor had a neck beard and tried to distribute a Communist newsletter across campus. Trevor constantly hit on my girlfriend (at the time) and would literally only listen to 2 bands the entire year at unreasonable volumes. I don’t have a good association with Trevors.
But that’s not important now. What is important now is WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FOOOOOOOTTTTTBAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Dok seems pretty cool.
AND WE’RE LIVE!!!!!!!!!
Dear Bleergh is shining upon me today. The early pre-natal class for Little Charcandcola has been cancelled due to illness!!!! Huzzah
You know what Sports Authority Field will be “The Field Siemian Built” because both won’t be in Denver by midseason.
Time zones man, smgh. I just had breakfast, and now it’s time for some footballs! Probably not drinking for this one tho.
“smelling my girl hands?”
They smell like oranges
How floral!
I thought I knew you…
Check out is at ten, and I don’t really know where to obtain morning booze in small Japanese mountain towns
Don’t they have cascading sake at every crest?
Vending machines.
Booze and used panties!
And edible, uh, aides!
http://media02.hongkiat.com/bizarre-vending-machines/bananas.jpg
That’s Twinkie the Kid’s cousin, Kid the Twink!
Is it time to get ill? I can never tell when it is time to get ill.
It’s possible you already be illin’
Maybe Morris Day can come by with The Time to let me know.
I think he wants to know you (know you)
oh-ee-oh-ee-oh!
I too struggle with this. And when is something, or me, in fact phat?
Also are you licensed to do so? We don’t want any bad communication.
Better call Ma Bell.
That’s a sure shot to success.
Careful, let’s not sabotage this post.
Hi Grandma Hazel!
Hi Grandma Tilly!
It’s a good thing Kaepernick is kneeling during the anthem, because he’s not getting into a victory formation anytime soon!
Welcome to the season, people.
Any and all spelling/grammar errors are due to my excitement and lack of quality schooling.
Plus alcohol. Always partner blame with alcohol.
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