I guess you’re wondering why I called this meeting. I’ll tell you why but first I think we need to give a round of applause to all the dickbags that provided summer (ie., ‘unfootball’) time content on this here football-centric blog. Y’all did yeoman’s work to keep us engaged and coming back again and again. Nicely done. And now to the matter at hand. You’re here because you love football. Or maybe you hate football in that weird way that you hate your ex. Or maybe you love to hate football. Or maybe you hate that you love football. No matter-it’s back and your jaundiced eyeballs are begging to see that sweet, sweet large man on large man action. Perhaps for just a little while we can forget about those players (too many) and their penchant for domestic abuse or the brain-addling inconsistencies of the punishments meted out against them. (Okay, Zeke gets to play the first game and then his suspension kicks in? Got it.) The garbage surrounding the game is hard to take but the game itself? I do like it and commenting with you fellow woebegone souls makes it that much better. So let’s dig in and enjoy the shit out of this. TO THE GAME!
Chiefs/Pats: Good old Alex Smith. For a guy that is only behind Russell Wilson and Tom Brady in games won over the last four years he sure gets a lot of grief for being the game manager that he is. Most of the rookie qb hype that I came across in the pre-season was centered around Mitch “Truth Biscuit” Trubisky but out Kansas City way the folks are drooling over a certain Patrick Mahomes and his big-ass arm. Apparently the Chiefs cut CJ Spiller about five hours before game time so that his contract isn’t guaranteed for the entire year. I hope I’m wrong because that seems remarkably petty. The guy is on the books for 615k, for Goodell’s sake! That leaves KC with only two rb’s for the game and the starter, rook Kareem Hunt, will be joining the illustrious company of Duce Staley, Brian Westbrook, LeSean McCoy and Jamaal Charles as players that Andy Reid has run into the ground. Freaking Brady is forty and it looks as though his arm strength is still there and he’s got a full complement of toys to play with. Recent acquisition Brandin Cooks is going to stretch the field (don’t sleep on Phil Dorsett and his 4.33 speed though) so that Gronk can work the middle of the field. The guy I’m looking to have a career year is Chris Hogan-it takes a year to wash all the Buffalo Bills stink off so I think he’s ready to make some noise. Perhaps your thinking Amendola is going to be the guy? Jokes on you-simply by mentioning his name out loud you caused him to strain a hamstring.
Well, the meeting is adjourned. Go out there and do your worst/best. If there are any new commenters out there this is probably the second best place to introduce yourselves aside from the new guys post that Seamus put up a few days ago. Have at it and I’ll see you down below.
I’m not sure what I love most about the Chief’s performance…
The fact that the offensive play calling is somehow regressing the longer that Smith plays…I think Johnny Football had a more complicated passing scheme the year he played in between blackout periods for Cleveland.
Or the fact that the receivers are just projecting with their body language that they are checking out completely because they know Smith can’t hit a damn thing pass 5 yards. Its like looking at a team 14 games into a 3 win season.
“GIVE BIGLY AND I PROMISE I WILL NOT KEEP MORE THAN 75% OF THE CONTRIBUTIONS FOR MYSELF. BELIEVE ME!”
Confession Time:
You ever have a movie that sucks. Everyone know its sucks. You know it sucks. But you can’t help but like it.
I’m done with this game. I’ll be watching “Major League: Back to the Minors”.
(please don’t judge me)
“Houseguest”
Love it.
Waaayyyyy too late for that.
I fucking love…I mean absolutely LOVE and will watch it over and over again…Battlefield Earth.
Its like if Ed Wood had a $200 million budget.
/Raises hand
I liked that one too. It was better than II.
I’m gonna answer this as pre-teen me, and it’s The Cutting Edge and Wild Heart’s Can’t Be Broken. To be shortly replaced by The Lost Boys
“Oh, I don’t watch movies, I experience film…”
/killed by assembled DFO
“Shooter”. I hate you for bringing this up.
“Hackers” aka “Cute Angelina Jolie Topless”
I think it was about the making of Fitzcarraldo but there’s a story that the Indians involved in the shoot offered to kill Klaus Kinski if Herzog wanted them to.
But then we wouldn’t have had Nastassja Kinski.
Aguirre, the Wrath of God. Kinski was (understandably) stressed out by the shoot & threatening to quit, and Herzog got his gun and told him he’d fucking kill him if he tried.
I looked for Ol Bay in the spice aisle last night but didn’t see it.
Save-a-Lot is the only place I’ve found it regardless of geographic location
Scrolling up from futher down the page, I like to assume that every comment is a reply and imagine the comment it is in reply to.
Zymm, what’s an annoying habit you have?
I love how teams forget the most basic processes when playing against the Patriots. Holding onto the ball, running, not running into the guy trying to catch the punt…
Don’t forget not taking a shot at the QB when he’s a blocker!
Blocking, clock management…
This was the moment when I knew the show was becoming a masterpiece.
So many little details…the shovel always leaned against the shed after the flu ep….the line in the driveway….
“Feet. How do they work?”
-Alex Smith
“So ya see…”
– Rex Ryan
“DID SOMEONE SAY FEET?”
I’m so happy that Drew has brought this character back in his Jamboree.
“Andy Reid knows he’s gotta get to this point in the game soon”
Lunch?
A self sack. Alex Smith(and Andy Reid)’s career in single play form
That was Alex Smith’s entire career in one play.
Turf monster DERP.
Designed sack.
Hey did you guys know that while eggs do have cholesterol, they haven’t been proven conclusively to increase the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream.
Is that good?
/crams 6 deviled eggs into mouth
A run up the middle on second and long? Will wonders ever cease, Andy?
NBC dick jokes.
Holy crap today, guys. So, usually, I work from home. Today, I was in a customer’s office working when, concurrently, I get a message that my ADT motion alarm had gone off, and the server for this customer, my BIGGEST customer, had shit the bed. Old Dad about had a goddamned panic attack.
Jaysus. I’m sorry, I should have just taken a week off.
But you’re here, so hope it all worked out well?
Currently doing data recovery for a school whose principal decided to take the scorched earth approach after losing their job. People and computers are shit. Why do we do these things?
Because alcohol costs money and being homeless sucks.
That’s why you don’t a) let people have access to the computer system after being let go, or b) hire people smart enough to put in kill switches and give them the admin access needed to do so
We act as an MSP for them. I told them a bunch not to let them have access the moment they were out of the door, but they let them keep it for another week, and that’s how they signed off. Oh wells~
Yeesh, a week? I hope you’re going all “I TOLD YOU IDIOTS SO”
Oh, the second I knew about it, I grabbed a manual backup of anything important they had, so I’m basically a superhero now. Gonna be a lot of flat stares next time I see them.
Sorry, I tried not to trip the alarm.
In an unrelated matter, you’re out of beer.
You’re not New School Zero!
Hey, look. Someone figured out that if you make a helmet that has some give in it, it won’t scramble brains so easily!
Oh, look. CARS WERE BUILT THAT WAY YEARS AGO.
The NFL is the stupidest fucking major sports league and it’s not even close.
“But did they put an ice-sport team in Vegas?” -Bettman
Somebody tell the MLB
http://njjewishnews.com/kaplanskorner/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/large_wrighthelmet.jpg
It’s-a him!
Ugly as that stupid thing is, MLB moved faster to address head injuries than the NFL has.
Its a fucking joke. The increase in stopping distance is not enough to over come the brain slamming into the skull.
Considering that the little impacts multiplied over time are the really bad ones, probably not.
Still, it seems that a helmet with some give on it was obvious from the start even if it wasn’t that helpful.
They need to do away with helmets…and pads.
Slow the game down.
Yeah, fuck this shit. I’m done.
Congrats to everyone who had Unsurprised this week in the survivor pool.
Is Molly in this commercial just a young Barb from Stranger Things? Better make some contraption for the Demagorgon, kid.
Totes weird, but as much as I like Motorhead, they don’t inspire me to buy a goddamn KIA
Have to admit, our Soul is a pretty damn good car.
But fuck those rodents.
Lemmy would trash one in a second
They inspire to me to fuck one though.
Motorhead is the absolute loudest show I ever saw, (Nashville Pussy opened, followed by Rev. Horton Heat), and not only would I have fucked a Kia afterwards I’d have cuddled the goddamn thing after finishing.
Playing Boston during a Patriots game? HOW CLEVER
What next, Dropkick Murphys?
So that KC pass rush is good, huh?
Pass……..rush?
http://assets.adamriff.com/images/elroy_patashnik.jpg
Get back from a long, annoying convo with my two asshole (high school junior) kids to see yet another P*ts TD. What a day, what a year-plus.
Psshht, juniors; seniors rule, juniors drool! Woo!
Aw, back when small amounts of booze were super fun and sex wasn’t really yet. Nostalgia.
You call that nostalgia. I call that right now, woo!
This is bullshit.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sploosh.
Look at Tom Brady’s poise. Watch as he moves in the pocket, looking for an open throwing lane. Observe him nearly throwing the ball directly into the safety’s hands.
I’m so fucking pissed my beer isn’t arriving tomorrow.
So, ten seconds and there is zero pressure, but we’re gonna call just defensive holding? Hail Bleergh!
Holding is bullshit.
“I GOT SOLDERED AND MY NAME IS SOLDER” – Nate Solder, referring to the cauterization procedure
Yeah, Brady totally got that ball off in .33 seconds like they said in that thing earlier…
Usually takes me twice that time
Good idea.
Banner
What’s that? You can’t banner images? Well….Whatever.
From what I’ve seen, Kansas City’s run defense falls somewhere on the spectrum of “Atrocious” to “File Not Found”
I GOT SOLD BUT I’M NOT A SOLDER — Solomon Northup
What’s up, slapdicks?
I’ve already given up all hope for an interesting NFL season, but I’ll probably be here every weekend anyway.
You?
This.
Whatever gets me time with all of my kids.
Holy shit! Dad actually came back from getting cigarettes! This is amazing!
I ran out of scotch. I’m just back for the Glengoolie and some clean drawers.
http://i.imgur.com/qlotKRv.png
Da-add…I think Horatio’s drunk an’ Buddy’s using bad words an’ Zymm’s gonna run away from home an’…
You kids are gonna make me go back to the GODDAMNED CHEESECAKE FACTORY
Oh there’s no “think” about it.
wow its almost like the Patriots go after guys who know the oppositions playbook…
♫ Blessed BLEERGH you name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the Pats gets denied the flag
Blessed BLEERGH your name. ♫
LOOKED CLEAN TO ME, FOLKS
I’m conflicted. I could easily hate Edelman because I wanted to shove a sharpened stake through his throat. So he’s gone. Now I have to hate Amendola with the same ugly passion. HOWEVER. He’s half Italian, which conflicts me because I am a full breed Italian American.
Aaah, I’ll get over it. Fuck that fucking guy with a Genoa salami.
Hate always wins.
Permanent Banner
you know what else is half Italian?
TAWWWMY WAHNTS A FACKIN FLAG!
That narrows it down to every play.
The HALL OF NATiONS
If you need a management-type guy to hide in his office with a hangover tomorrow-I just might be what you’re looking for.
TGIF: Thank God I’m Funemployed
You’ve got to get your piece of the Twitter grift.
“Chairman, CEO, and Potential Serial Killer”
During commercials : I will be driving fairly quickly cross-country in October. I’ve driven DC-Chicago before, but after that, thinking Chicago – Sioux Falls – Salt Lake City – SF? Maybe a quick stop in Reno if I have time?
Recommendation: Stay the FUCK away from SLC. Seriously, that is a horror show.
they had a pretty decent punk scene years ago
I just meant the driving part. I’ve driven through Vegas, LA, Houston….SLC was by far the worst.
Can confirm. I got pulled over in SLC for Driving While Mexican.
oh it was a joke about this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DILdeHgWF-U
Duh. Totally forgot about that movie.
Was mostly going off of SLC Punk and some stories one of my co-workers told once. K
I live in Salt Lake City and I concur.
Salt Lake City? Do you REEAAAALLLY like white people?
If not, then avoid it.
If Yes, do you really like RICH white people?
If not, then avoid it.
Follow the railroad route.
ppl forget that you can just drive right on the tracks. If a train comes along behind you then you just put it in neutral and enjoy the scenery.
Wow, the new Kingsman movie is really going to boost Harlan Hill’s profile.
You made it. Welcome.
Nothing can stop me. As long as Internet Dad helps.
I hear he and Todd Starnes are looking to open up a little organic piss café as a new startup venture.
I turned on the TV to watch the game and Fitzcarraldo was on TCM (it had just started) and the channel hasn’t changed.
Only a bat-shit insane genius like Werner Herzog could make this movie.
you looked into Klaus Kinski’s eyes didn’t you?
The documentary about making it, “Burden of Dreams” is even better than the movie!
That movie is a way better option than this game. Not even joking, I’m switching over.
As always, fuck the Pats.
Motherfucker it’s in Spanish, with subtitles!
/switches back to football
BUILD THAT WALL! BUILD THAT WALL!
It’s in German with subtitles. When they speak Spanish it says “Speaks Spanish.” And those Germans really will build a wall, dammit.
Ah, German, the language of love.
Hmmm…I think the Pats have picked up on the “four check down options” play on 3rd and long.
Can’t wait for them to make a show of letting the Chiefs have Brandin Cooks for a half, “to make it fair.”
Are Peyton’s forehead and the Energizer bunny’s ass the same thing?
Except the bunny was proven to have used it to smother a Vol co-ed