I guess you’re wondering why I called this meeting. I’ll tell you why but first I think we need to give a round of applause to all the dickbags that provided summer (ie., ‘unfootball’) time content on this here football-centric blog. Y’all did yeoman’s work to keep us engaged and coming back again and again. Nicely done. And now to the matter at hand. You’re here because you love football. Or maybe you hate football in that weird way that you hate your ex. Or maybe you love to hate football. Or maybe you hate that you love football. No matter-it’s back and your jaundiced eyeballs are begging to see that sweet, sweet large man on large man action. Perhaps for just a little while we can forget about those players (too many) and their penchant for domestic abuse or the brain-addling inconsistencies of the punishments meted out against them. (Okay, Zeke gets to play the first game and then his suspension kicks in? Got it.) The garbage surrounding the game is hard to take but the game itself? I do like it and commenting with you fellow woebegone souls makes it that much better. So let’s dig in and enjoy the shit out of this. TO THE GAME!
Chiefs/Pats: Good old Alex Smith. For a guy that is only behind Russell Wilson and Tom Brady in games won over the last four years he sure gets a lot of grief for being the game manager that he is. Most of the rookie qb hype that I came across in the pre-season was centered around Mitch “Truth Biscuit” Trubisky but out Kansas City way the folks are drooling over a certain Patrick Mahomes and his big-ass arm. Apparently the Chiefs cut CJ Spiller about five hours before game time so that his contract isn’t guaranteed for the entire year. I hope I’m wrong because that seems remarkably petty. The guy is on the books for 615k, for Goodell’s sake! That leaves KC with only two rb’s for the game and the starter, rook Kareem Hunt, will be joining the illustrious company of Duce Staley, Brian Westbrook, LeSean McCoy and Jamaal Charles as players that Andy Reid has run into the ground. Freaking Brady is forty and it looks as though his arm strength is still there and he’s got a full complement of toys to play with. Recent acquisition Brandin Cooks is going to stretch the field (don’t sleep on Phil Dorsett and his 4.33 speed though) so that Gronk can work the middle of the field. The guy I’m looking to have a career year is Chris Hogan-it takes a year to wash all the Buffalo Bills stink off so I think he’s ready to make some noise. Perhaps your thinking Amendola is going to be the guy? Jokes on you-simply by mentioning his name out loud you caused him to strain a hamstring.
Well, the meeting is adjourned. Go out there and do your worst/best. If there are any new commenters out there this is probably the second best place to introduce yourselves aside from the new guys post that Seamus put up a few days ago. Have at it and I’ll see you down below.
#PunterLivesMatter
WE WILL SHITHAMMER HIM UNTIL YOU CALLS IT ROUGHING U SNOWFLAKES
HAIL BLEERGH
STOP TRYING TO MURDER THE PUNTER
I’ve had a cold and my throat is a bit raw, but I should keep throwing alcohol down it to disinfect it
Well, you’re no doctor but…wait, you are? Sounds like all the medical advice I’ll ever need!
/ignores open wound
I’m not THAT kind of doctor, but I don’t have a deductible so….
Good enough for me!
/bleeds out
//but with good mental health
Alcohol DOES kill germs after all
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
Oh what the hell. I saw someone do a real embed earlier. Is it not the embed code from twitter?
I took my embed code from Tweetdeck. Not sure if that had any effect or not.
Yeah, couldn’t get one for it from tweetdeck. Maybe because it was a quoted tweet.
Actually, Matt Patricia reminds me of the Thumbnail Guy at UConn in the mid-80s
That’s Physics Phil to you buddy, and I’ll have you know that as of 2-3 years ago he was still floating around UCONN.
HOLD MOAR EFFECTIVELY
Hee hee…I said the same thing.
Why does Patricia have a pencil if his sheet is laminated?
Makes him look S-M-R-T. His version of Rick Perry glasses.
Wait, a backwards baseball cap and a beard makes you a “character” in New England? What?
Add an entire can of Kodiak, and HE’S JUS LIKE ONNAH US!
Beards : TOTALLY COOL UNLESS YOU’RE MUSLIM OR THINK BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD BE TREATED EQUALLY OR WHATEVER, HIPSTERS
2nd and 17? Sure, let’s run a draw!
Try that thar Tyreek play again, ah sure did like it!
I am just so fucking sick of refs throwing flags because Patriot players have been conditioned to make the “throw a flag” motion on every single fucking play. It’s like they’re using Pavlovian conditioning on the refs
Hightower: pedalpedalpedalpedalpedalpedal
Hah – you know Van Noy was starting shit, but Kelce was too fucking dumb to not react.
Team Captain Taunt
Let’s see what other bullshit we can do!
Something something KelCe KC
Just between the few of us, I’m looking forward to the team-furnished science that explains why the 49ers performance is the NFL equivalent of down syndrome.
My hypothesis: Kyle Shanahan
I have to hit the sack now otherwise I’ll be even more useless than usual tomorrow.
G’NIGHT!
NOBODY LIKES A QUITTER sez teh pill addict
Complaining about flagging? That’s a flagging. Complaining about no flagging? You better believe there’ll be a flagging.
Guess who has Gillislee in FF?
Guess whose wife has the KC defense?
I have the Chefs in my auction league, but bought RAMIT!!! for $1 for this week and this week ONLY
Mine?
Just kidding, I don’t have a wife. Or anyone for that matter
You aren’t playing each other at least?
No, we are…
Oh, shit, yeah, I’m not used to the new names. Good luck not being murdered!
Shit, I still don’t know the names from last year.
Also, I legtimatley don’t know who I”m facing
Zymm, I think…
Don’t forget “Guess who’s against their wife in fantasy?”
Do not donate to the Red Cross. They will pocket the money. Give to JJ Watt.
Hands that have been in Katy Perry’s snatch will never do any wrong!
As long as they keep their nails trimmed
HA!!!
Wait. What?
I’m proud of the fact that I had no idea they were an item apparently
Oh yay, another rushing TD can happen now after what should have been passing TD’s and points for me. Fuck me having to hope Brady does well. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck this shitty FF shit….I ain’t pulling for Brady….fuck that dick.
Bring it on Universe. You fucking KHunt.
whoooooo!
/tips over, takes nap.
Why yes, yes I am Al, thank you
Whatever happened to that thing where runningbacks weren’t supposed to get low?
My insufferable homerism is actually paying off for once in fantasy… bless you, Mike Gillislee.
For once I am not playing the 0.2% assdicks of America like you
Wooooooo
Jesus, refs, call it evenly at least.
Terrance Mitchell is really Eric Smith/Chris Conte-ing this game up.
oh but Misters Magoo saw THAT just goddamned fine and dandy
Fuck, I’m waaay out of mid-season condition. Haven’t seen the other side of 2300h in a long time. And 20 minutes left.
I’m with you on that….this shit runs late
STRATEGIC NAPS PPL!!!!
Got home from work and slept from 430-630. Absolutely essential.
Late? It’s only eight o’clock.
I like that Mitchell deals with the PI against him by doing some quick yoga
Ugh.
Slight tug on a P*ts jersey? Flag. Pick? No flag.
How is that not fucking holding?!
saved me some typing
2 plays in a row right up the middle? Must be a new Brady rule
KC with the lead in a big game? Andy will fuck this up.
Guys, I just want to take a moment, we made it through the off season:
GROUP HUG!
https://i.giphy.com/media/W9xM974gq49sk/giphy.webp
That is heartwarming and petrifying.
It was all due to HRTN.
Ron Howard voiceover: “It wasn’t due to HRTN.”
Also, I apologize for not being caught up on HRTN, I’m sure you’re just heartbroken without my witty commentary, not that summer’s over, less outings with friends, I should be back to a more regular schedule.
Awesome! You’re in the future, looking for Rikki in an Iguana Mart and…
Look, it’s probably better if you just catch up yourself…
Tell me this at least:
Was I correct in my prediction in that everyone would travel to a different time period, and would have to leave in a hurry, and naturally I got left behind?
No, you all ended up in the future where the DFOers met the Ape City cops and had a fight with rejects from the Road Warrior.
But you did get untied from the chair.
http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/I-have-mixed-drinks-about-my-feelings.jpg
Less tongue!
Howdy Folks!
No flags?
If KC pulls this one out I’ll never fat-shame Andy Reid again until next week.
I’m glad I read the entire post before replying.
Comparing him to a Walrus isn’t fat shaming. Fat is the correct shape for a walrus, otherwise they would die.
I’ll buy him one Golden Choice buffet meal at the location of his choosing.
The Chiefs golden corralled Brady all game long.
Look at former Redacteds being essential to other teams….not that this happens frequently or anything, cause the various DC regimes have totally inspired all players to be their best and they totally haven’t gone to other teams and frequently done way more or anything….
It’s not having to be all shamed of the uniform and whatnot.
/one tear falls
“Wait, I don’t know anything about car insurance.”
“That really doesn’t matter. You’re a white, nonthreatening football player.”
“People don’t generally know football players by face because we’re almost always wearing helmets.”
“But you’re white.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that…. Whatever, what do you need me to do?”
“Catch some passes?”
“I’m a linebacker.”
“For fuck’s sake, Luke, just lift some weights. We’ll figure it out.”
“So you don’t want me to say anything about Geicco?”
“Well…not anymore.”
BRADY’S PASS RATING LOWER THAN TRUBISKY’S THE BEARS WILL REIGN AGAIN!!!
-Some guy in a bar near me, probably
I want what that guy’s having.
Seriously, THat shit sounds dope
I told you folks that Hunt was going to get his touches.
[ruefully regarding my starting tight end, Antonio Gates]
Conflicting emotions.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
Taxi Driver inspired a crazy guy to try to assassinate a president, and maybe Uber or something. What current films have the same impact?
Rambo III led to 9/11 I think?
Video games -> Killing sprees
Dunkirk inspired many of our politicians to speak out mildly against Nazis?
Hinckley just got out of jail. Tell him Lily James hates Donald Trump and we’ll find out.
Fury Road inspired me to stock up on that silver food spray stuff.
Bitchy Brady is the best Brady. Next to Ded Brady.
Sacked into a sad injured heap is the best Brady.
http://i.makeagif.com/media/8-16-2015/Nuh761.gif
Brady out for the year courtesy of a chiefs hit is best brady
when the FUCK am i gonna figure word press out?