It’s a fine slate of action, too. The footy gods want you warmed up for the real shit come Sunday afternoon. SO CLOSE!!
Start things off with Man City hosting the Redshite, with the winner laying claim to being top challenger to United (in the largely meaningless early going). There will be goals aplenty, so could be worth setting your alarm (7:30, NBCSN).
NBC decides to be merciful and go back to giving you two whole choices in the 10:00 window, with the drab Arsenal/Bournemouth clash on NBCSN, and Everton hosting Spurs on CNBC. Wayne Rooney will apparently start in his first match following his uber-drunk driving/attempted adultery incident over the break, and we shall just have to see how that goes. Everton were also unable to sign ANYONE at striker before the deadline, so it’s Sandro, Calvert-Lewin, or bust on that front. Leicester and Chelsea are behind the 10:00 NBC paywall, which is annoying as fuck.
Absolutely nobody but Manure fans will watch their spotlight dance with the mutants of Stoke (12:30, NBC), but it’s the kind of match where they typically get tripped up and drop points. Have United really turned a corner?
Sunday Funday is Burnley/Palace (8:30, NBCSN) and Swans/Barcodes (11:00, NBCSN). Who gives the slightest of diddly-fucks? Watch DVR JV NFL instead. Speaking of…
Louisville at U*NC (Noon, ESPN)
Wow, the Petrinos start the season with two road contests against Power Five squadrons, this’un a league fixture. Fortunately, this isn’t a basketball exhibition, so the Holes will send mostly aluminum fans.
Northwestern at Duke (Noon, ESPNU)
Sooooooo many nerds to punch, so little time ,, amirite?
West By God Virginia at East Carolina (Noon, FS2)
Uhhhhh, whatever the converse of the above-referenced game is. Plus various levels of in-familia fucking.
Iowa at Iowa State (Noon, ESPN2)
Perhaps the bowl of porridge that Goldilocks chose? Does that also count as a corn reference? Fuck if I know what porridge is made of. I don’t run an 18th century Russian prison.
Pittsburgh at Penn State (3:30, ABC)
So many mediocre rivalries on display today!
TCU at Arkansas (3:30, CBS)
Finally, a game that should actually be fun and involve lots of wild scoring plays and general September JV NFL entropy.
Nebraska at Oregon (4:30, Fox)
I enjoy how the JV NFL is on the big network, all the pennant race el beisbol gets shuffled off to FS1. Similar to Frogs/Pigs in entropy potential.
Auburn at Clemson (7:00, ESPN)
Don’t be surprised if’n Aubie comes out and just whips Clemson’s ass. I know Coach Jeebus Camp has paid ample funds for a deep pool of talent, but they leaned heavy on Deshaun Watson, and Auburn will be a stiff challenge.
Oklahoma at Ohio State (7:30, ABC)
Let’s hope tOSU didn’t just get they bad half of footy out of their system in Bloomington opening night. If they show anything like that again, Boomer Sooner will run train on ’em. And it will be nigh P*ts Schadenfreude Day delicious. In any event, Okie will definitely score, and score lots. Query is whether the Bucks match.
Stanford at Southern Cal (8:30, Fox)
No shit, the hits just keep on coming! One will need ample chemical intervention to keep this party going. Not sure whether the Trees will be legit or just annoying, but the Troi Boiz looked plenty vulnerable last week. And this fixture is usually quite exciting.
Boise State at Washington State (10:30, ESPN)
Catch your breath yet? Not one, but TWO late night tweaker games!! The smurfs travel slightly west to take on the Mad Bomber of Eastern Washington, to see which will be the fringe Top 25 side media folks like to talk about “trending” as the calendar flips into October. Because FUN.
San Diego State at Arizona State (11:00, PAC12)
And last but not least, COED BOWL 2017!! Every pervy cameraman’s Valhalla, and worth staying up late for. Hee hee, double meanings.
Ruh-Roh Clemson – that one didn’t quite have the distance (or accuracy).
Clemson’s QB may be ded.
They’ve got him in the sideline jack shack for evaluation.
So I am drunk. I just got back from a barbecue competition three towns over.
Fantastic barbecue.
I get the driver to stop to allow me to get booze. About an hour later, two young Mormon missionaries show up.
Mormon missionaries are so much fun to talk to when you are drunk.
They are my favorite cultists!*
*any church without a pope is a cult to me.
I also broke down and bought a pack of smokes.
Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do to make it through the day, JSD. No judgement here.
Tosu v OkieSt: Whole lotta nuthin so far?
LET’S GO BOYS!! HANG HALF A HUNDRED ON THEM!!
How many possums did he trap to make that coat?
Green Lantern is on one of the TVs and oh my god, why the shit was Sinestro a Green Lantern the entire film?
Origin. Story.
and because that movie was a big “FUCK YOU” to any Green Lantern fans.
But R. Lee Ermey was the big GL instructor guy!
I stand by my opening statement.
It was a complete shitshow from casting to production to spending $200 million on marketing.
Rutgers loses to Eastern Michigan.
State finally decides to be vaguely competitive. Yay.
Vaguely, holy hell. That’s the descriptor I’ve been looking for all these years. We’re vague, at best.
Da fuck? I’m at the gym right now and none of the games are on. If there weren’t so many attractive women who came here, I’d consider dropping my membership.
Are the Ducks still taking Nebraska to pound town?
Hey, if they didn’t want you to stick corn up there, why would they call it a corn hole?
they cut it to 14 again, but can get no closer
Settling in for some hot Tiger on Tiger action…
Dramatic Reenactment of great Auburn minds, date unknown:
Genius 1: “Tigers are awesome, fearsome, exotic animals that will populate the earth forever, let’s make them our mascot.”
Genius 2: “Nice. And they can probably be trained to kill runaway slaves.”
Genius 1: “But eagles are awesome, fearesome animals too. And I’ll be a stranger fucker if we let that lib cuck yanqui President Ben Franklin take our freedom eagles away from us!”
Genius 2: “Nice. They can be our second mascot.”
Genius 1: “But we can’t have two mascots. But I WANT two animals. Let’s make one like our slogan, yeah.”
Genius 2: “Nice.”
I’m 99% sure the War Eagle is simply because they could actually buy and keep an eagle on campus (the aviary is across the street from Jordan Hare Stadium). Tigers cost too much.
3rd and 11, Marshall’s one good player naturally in single coverage deep.
Cornfucker PICKERCEPTION. 28-to-7 is imminent.
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FWIW, the tertiary tweaker game is MinnySEWTA at Oh-rayGAWNE State. It’s always worth staying up late FOAR BEAVER!!
ROW THE BOAT YOU F’N GOPHERS!
Down to 14 in Oh-ray-GAWNE. Ruh roh?
A zen reminder. U*NC lost its home opener to Cal, who is currently losing its home opener to Weber State at halftime.
Why can’t I like this comment like a fucking bazillion?
Damn you wordpress…your mind games continue.
“A fucking bazillion? Isn’t that Brady’s wife?”
-E. Smiff
hee hee
Marshall 10, NC State 3. SO PREDICTABLE
I’m not watching. Just got the tracker on in a tab. I already know what’s coming….humbling loss or humbling win. Either way, nah.
fortunately, stream quality is GREAT as maybe 10 ppl in the world are dumb enough to watch it
Apropos of nothing. So, what’s going down, kids?
You say something Unsurprised?
Damn.
Blackrose! That’s the guy we need to be extra sorry for this autumn. Pigs/Bolts combo platter, yikes.
He’s PigSooey? Huh, never knew that.
Damn. Has anybody checked local gun stores?
fortunately, he’s a doctor, so he can go out way less messy unless he decides to take a few of us with him
Who would want to go alone?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2iKCKgMIiw
Leinart! Wannstedt! Fox JV Fitbaw halftime report! Catch it!*
*If it is caught, seek medical attention immediately
Dunno if there be antibiotics strong enough
Arkansas has some piss poor tackling
Blood FOAR the Bloodeyes’ GOD!!
When was the last time you ate at a Subway and why?
I honestly can’t remember.
Governor’s school, that and Domino’s is all that were in the Godforsaken town. Like 28 years ago.
Last Fall.
I was hungry.
What’s with all the fucking questions?
Are you a cop? You have to tell us if you’re a cop. It’s the law, right?
I SWEAR TO GOD THAT SANDWICH ARTIST WAS ASKING FOR IT. HE WAS ASKING FOR IT I TELL YA.
I mean “she”.
Sure, sure. We believe you…
“You betcha it’s the LAW!! Oh wait, I thought you said Jew.” – Jefferson Beauregard S., Montgomery, AL/Washington, DC
Last summer; I am a Reuben fiend so I had to try it.
Before that it was mid/late 90’s.
In Montana somewhere a month ago. It was all that town had.
#SpurFresh!
/also, I thought we established last night you was Li’l Sweet what with the multitasking??
High school, I worked at subway in Baltimore.
I gave up mayonaise and I have not touched subway in close to 20 years. I cannot stand the fucking smell of the places.
Looky at that, Marshall gots MOAR 4-star recruits than NC State do.
Hey look, NC State wants to lose to fucking Marshall. Don’t you guys have a plane to crash instead?
At least Marshall still has a football program – Wichita State
I guess you can say Shockers’ football…took one up the ass?
Not the funnest day in evar for Arky QB, methinks.
Me wonder if he got Trent Greened on one of those early hits. His reaction time is a little sundial-y this second half.
Hey Guys, if UCLA can do it!!!!!
– Nebraska kicker just before he got murdered at halftime
“yeah but there coach isn’t a ” BEEEEEEPPPPPPPP
/all of Texas talk radio
“actually he is now” – Chip K., Western Oregon Klavern
Let the record show that Pig! Sooey!!’s 5th year senior QB has completed SIX forward passes today.
Our poor goddamned Chargers/Razorbacks combo fan…
CHRIST WHAT A KICKER
/again, this is Trump’s Murrika, without Hispanic teenagers to placekick
Now it’s getting muy dificil. DFO and ESPN.com scoreboard on this laptop. Shitty wolves stream (with sound, for now) on the other. May drop that sound for Most Glorious el beisbol Cardinals KMOX radio feed around halftime. And then the teevee box games (still on, muted) will be getting good.
/adding coffee back to my pill regimen
//prolly should puke to get that food out the way
Wouldn’t it be amusing if Urban Meyer had a brother named Rural?
When he’s having sex with someone they would then be referred to as sub-Urban Meyer
or GRITTY
Oh horny toads. DO YOU EVAN WANTTO WIN??
Alright, so I’ve changed my avatars on here, on wordpress, on gravatar. I tried the logging out and the cache clearing and all that good shit, and I still have the damn F is for Family avatar. I guess I’m just stuck with it.
I didn’t log in all off season; signed in 3 weeks ago and it first brought me to the edit profile page (with a blank avatar) so I uploaded new/old avatar. BOOM!! Problem solved!!
Yeah, I did that. Changed it, deleted it, etc. Still this fucking guy over here.
Sorry bud I think Hippos right; not even the Lizard people know how to do it.
For awhile, I had only my old gravatar. Then I cleared every thing out, changed everything here AND at gravatar, and my new Hippo showed up. Now I can’t change my old Hippo DFO avatar in comments (which showed up again after like 3 weeks) but new Hippo avatar shows up in my post author slot.
tl;dr IT’S THE LAWD’S WILL, GRATLIFF
My insane wolf still pops up occasionally. Also in gmail every now and again even tho I scrubbed it.
Announcer said that guy has a big hole.
Really?
– A. Rodgers
I totally though HW Bush was dead. He and Jimmy ain’t looking too good…
There’s a superhero show I’d watch. The POTUS Squad! Watch as they band together to reclaim and rebuild the country they hold dear.
with him and Bar still having tantric sex constantly like in TV Funhouse skits on SNL, yeah?
They’ve both had serious health scares this past year. HW didn’t look like he was going to make it back out of the hospital and that was months ago.
Jimmy has brain cancer.
he should TOTES visit the Oregon Duck, then!
So if I went with the “packing while high” option (I plead da fif)….does that mean I’ll need to get high before unpacking or else I won’t be able to find anything?
Not saying I have a problem with that, I just wanna be prepared.
And through the trip so u are ready.
Never mind. I wanted to put a Beerfest pic but it’s not behaving.
So….what? Now I don’t get my funny pic?
I feel cheated man. Way to dangle that thing out there and then snatch it away.
It was the drunken recall bit. It got FORBIDDEN.
Surprised we aren’t seeing more aggressive play by TCU. Kick those Piggies.
Rex agrees
Looks like Kenny Hill is who we thought he was.
Coach Fatty McGoo makes Herr Bannon seem liberal.
Just got home, what game is everyone watching?
Pigs/Frogs
Anything Slims!
The one where one team tries to score against the other.
Ducks biting on Cornflakes
My weight.
you can tell Kenny Hill, Jr. was Manziel’s disciple, eh?