Evening, dick jokers and jokerettes. As you may have heard, resident open threader BrewHomeyRex is on leave this weekly, likely exploiting free Canadian health care and bragging about his head-of-state’s glove size. But enough about maple leaf condoms, I volunteered to fill in today for two reasons: Chanukah and the Alabama Special Election.
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
- That’s not how you spell Hanukkah, Chanuka, Hanukah, Hannukka…
- I thought we stopped using “Special” as a euphemism
:ahem: back to point number one, tonight is the first night of aforementioned festival of lights, so HAPPY HANNUKAH!
Sorry, there was a special request for dreidels, so wanted to knock that out right away.
Yes, tonight at sundown commences Hannukah, that holiday non-Jews think is really important but barely registers liturgically. Just about every Jewish holiday is some variation on “they tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat!” Chanukah is the same, with the “they” being King Antiochus and his Syrian kingdom, and this time we add pyromania to the mix. You see, when this “they” tried to kill “us” (read: the Jews), the temple was destroyed. Following an underdog victory to vanquish the oppressors (Maccabees are to Antiochus as App State is to Michigan), our peeps returned to the temple to find only enough oil to make the lamps burn for one day, but it lasted for eight days instead. It was a miracle! So now we celebrate the shit out of that miracle by lighting small fires for eight days and eating a bunch of fatty foods fried in oil. And that shit starts at sundown tonight, so Happy Hanukkah! If you want to learn more, we can get into it in the comments or we can do a DFO meet up at a temple or something.
I, for one, will be celebrating my heritage tonight by ignoring it completely in order to go to a compulsory work holiday party scheduled with no regard for my own religious traditions or schedule.
Now that we’ve got that covered…
Even though it’s a random Tuesday in December in an odd number year, there is an election today. And thanks to Roy Moore’s wife, this is now directly related to Chanukah! Oh, and pro tip: if you want to tell people you’re not anti-semitic, don’t “prove it” by pointing to someone you employee and say “look, a Jew!” Doesn’t work like you might intend.
Irrespective of that ridiculousness, as of yesterday, the pollsters thought Roy Moore was up by 9 or Doug Jones was up by 10. So basically, no one knows shit beyond the fact that the vast majority of Republicans in Alabama will vote for a guy who was kicked off the bench for being an asshole even before it was widely known that he’s an exploitative fuckwad/creep targeting underage girls (oh and he’s completely unfit for office beyond that morally reprehensible and disqualifying fact). And for those of you scoring at home, this is all to fill the Senate seat made vacant due to the miraculous appointment to Attorney General for Jeff Sessions, who I can personally attest makes Ben Roethlisberger look like a Rhodes Scholar. For more perspective on Roy Moore, just check out how conservative Alabama Senator Richard Shelby and former Republican spokesman/strategist/whatever say about the GOP’s nominee for United States Senator from Alabama. Yeah, this guy was bad news even before it came out that he has the dating morals of Roman Polaski. This particular special election is clear: vote for a decent human being or let your loyalty to the Republican party/blind hatred of all things Democrat lead you to vote for a contemptible human being. Of course, I’m expecting Roy Moore to win by 5 points.
So even though there aren’t enough Democrats in Alabama to last one day every four years since the Civil Rights Act of 1964, let’s pray for a miracle that tonight, there are enough anti-terrible people voters that yield a partial Senate term through 2020 for the guy who isn’t a fuckwad.
No matter what happens, at least we can light some shit on fire for the next eight nights.
As for SPROTS! not a whole that on today that will grab my attention, but YMMV.
NFL:
NHL:
Ice Argonauts @ Ice Eagles appear to be “nationally” broadcast on something called TVA at 6pm DFO time
Ice Buccaneers @ Ice Abandoned Former Rams will be on NBCSN at 7pm DFO time
NBA:
In what would have been a key matchup through most of my childhood, the Lakers take on the Knicks at 6pm DFO time (ESPN has you there)
And “Trust the Process” travels to Minnysota to face the Men’s Lynx starting at 8:30pm DFO time (also on tWWL)
AAA NBA:
A veritable bounty of whogivesashit starting with the 6pm slot–
Mississippi State at Cincinnati (ESPN2)
St. Peter’s at Seton Hall (FS1)
Columbia at BC (ACCNE)
Fordham at Rutgers (ESPNU)
LITERALLY 9 DIFFERENT OPTIONS LISTED ON ESPN 3
San Diego at Colorado at 7pm (PAC12)
Michigan at Texas at 8pm (ESPN2)
Albany at Memphis at 8pm (ESPNU)
Jacksonville State at Oregon State at 9pm (PAC12)
NCAA Women’s Basketball:
Tennessee State at Louisville at 6pm (ACCNE)
North Florida at Michigan at 6pm (BTN)
Baseketball:
Nothing live, but probably worth rewatching, even if it’s just to pick up life tips.
Total Fucking Bullshit:
WWE Smackdown at 10pm (USA)
Hmmmm, some DFOers may not like that description.
Eh fuck it. Even if you don’t watch any of that, you can still get good and drunk so we have dick jokes to talk about. That and anal. Remember, a dick joke can make your whole day, but anal can make your hole weak.
/shows self out
not a word about the paedo’s fee-fees. WOOOO!!!!
Roy Moore loses at blackjack because he doesn’t hit on anything over 14.
Shit! That’s good.
Not mine, unfortunately. First heard it years ago about R. Kelly.
I’m giving you the Vaudeville Credit; you said it last.
Roy Moore would never “eat a peach”. They are too fuzzy.
Another one.
Roy Moore just found Sweet Sixteens were parties five months ago.
Jones speech, shouts out to black community, Latino community, and Jewish folks. No bones thrown to LBGTQ folks, but I guess that would be a bridge too far for Alabama.
“That one guy in the coat closet in the Tuscaloosa Country Club when I had one too many spritzers…”
Someone once asked Roy Moore if he ever fucked a 10, and he said, “Oh yeah me and Ben McAdoo once… I mean, no, never.”
We not doing Marc Trestman anymore?
We’re too old.
[redacted]
Grope
Only
Prepubescents
“To Roy Moore’s lawyer, Happy Hanukkah!” wouldn’t have quite cut it.
Roy Moore doesn’t know how to win elections, but he does know how to get cheerleader captain pubes out of his teeth.
Yeah, you just let go, right?
I don’t think she was a captain anyway.
Underachieving skank.
Yeah, isn’t the captain normally a senior?
/My HS didn’t have cheerleaders, honestly don’t know
//I don’t care; that is a great joke.
Grass
On the field
Play ball
Do not let Doug Jones’ victory distract you from the fact that in 1998, The Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell In A Cell, and plummeted 16 ft through an announcer’s table.
BAH GAWD, KING
Roy Moore’s fucked more 17 year olds than online child porn laws.
::erection fades::
-dennis hastert
Nice.
Usually when an old man fucks cheerleaders, it means Al Davis was too senile to pay the Raiderettes in 2010.
Fox has already stopped talking about the loss and is going right back into criticizing the Mueller investigation. It’s OK Fox, most of your viewers are taking their Dulcolax and putting on their jammies.
Don’t call Roy Innis an Uncle Tom, and Geraldo wouldn’t need nose surgery.
https://youtu.be/XnADCwtobiA?t=2m48s
I mean this is just wonderful.
Fucking Fox News guy says the church bombing that Doug Jones convicted the KKK guys of committing happened 30 years ago. That was 1963. No math majors at FNews, I guess.
Math is for librul homos.
“Can I finish? May I finish? Thank you.
Fractions are for fags.”
“I’m a millennial. Millennials don’t like labels.”
Eh, there is one fraction in Alabama they were okay with…
+ 3/5
Spurs drop this one. Guess I’ll ease on over to Fox News and watch schadenfreudically as they spaz out like Ian Holm did in Alien when Yaphet Kotto knocked his head off.
Ashe is a goddamned robot!!!!
Uh, I’m asking you now to pull the plug.
I won’t lie about your chances but you have my sympathies.
McConnell just released a statement saying Jones should “do the right thing and serve the people of Alabama and vote with the Republicans…”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHH
(deep breath)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I wouldn’t even be surprised if McConnell refused to seat him.
Yeah, could kinda see that from Turtle McChinless.
He will absolutely do that until next year.
The problem with Mitch is he still has enough supporters to realistically serve out the last 75 of his 150 year life span.
Wooooooooooooo
Somebody get into the Manischewitz?
The best part about this election is that Trump backed a loser *twice.*
Dude – if Strange had won the primary, he’d totally have won the general there.
TRUMP ACTUALLY BACKED THE CORRECT PICK!
Well, Trump DID invent the name “Big Luther” so there’s that.
Big Luther is what Roy Moore tells teenagers….
Look, point it that Roy Moore hits on kids.
He should definitely argue being wrongs make a right.
Blind squirrel, acorn, blah blah blah.
SO TIRED OF THE WINNING.
Also, Mr. President, eat a giant bag of dicks, you repugnant loser.
One more positive thing that many people have overlooked, it looks like Jones will win by more than 0.5%, which means that an automatic recount won’t be triggered, so this won’t drag out for too much longer.
Oh, I’d expect the state to do it anyways. Remember, Jones didn’t sweep.
“In other words, YES I’m sure” – God
I voted for Roy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmuSRja8sHg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNPW2wZ4D2s
Reprising (and improving) my bus joke from earlier…
Q: Why does it take longer to get the results from the traditionally black counties in Alabama?
A: It’s a longer walk from teh back of teh bus.
So these good feelings end instantly if Alabama wins the national championship, right?
Well, duh.
That was far too close. Let’s not go all daisy-chaining just yet. A good day yes, but seriously, too close. Fix our shit crackers.
Agreed; a few stayed home. Just listening to an envangelical woman voter saying it would be difficult to vote for this fucker, but good christians need to because of aburshun and teh gays agender.
This result is absolutely mindboggling considering how Alabama is one of the most Republican states in the country, it’s a fantastic result.
And when you consider this is a one-party state that suppressed the fuck out of votes, it should have been a much bigger margin.
Well, suppressed “some” votes.
Black. They suppressed black votes.
I wish I could share that; this vote will double down the white backlash and the republican grass-root efforts. The hope I have is that at some point there is enough if these in congress to stem the tide (NPI) of the republican rape for the rich campaign.
I do hope my pessimism is incorrect.
Loooooooool. Fox News: “Thank god we don’t have to worry about people asking us about our kiddy fucking Alabama senator now! It’s actually v good we lost.”
Fox News just called it for Doug Jones.
Are they weeping quietly?
Why the long face, Britt Hume?
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/miami-firemen-who-placed-noose-on-black-colleagues-photos-file-grievance-of-their-own/ar-BBGCS8T?li=BBmkt5R&ocid=ientp
“This has been too easy for Trump. He wants a challenge. He’s happy that Jones won!”
AP was like 3 minutes behind me, but they have also called it now. BOOM!
It’s time for the traditional Fox News schadenfreude viewing
LOL Trump is going to trash Moore on Twitter and say he was right about Strange.
What’s the O/U with minutes after concession speech?
I gotta say I’m surprised. I thought Saban would be running away with this.
Don’t lose to Auburn. SMH
Hippo’s calling it. Doug Jones is the 49th Demmycratic-aligned United States Senator. THANK YOU, ALABAMA!!!
/told YEEEEWWWW the South had enough decent folk left
Hippo’s right. My uncle only said the n-word once today.
Sorry, but I gotta….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LzSJV90EBE
You’re just mad you didn’t think of it.
😛
DOUG MUTHAFUCKIN’ JONES IS NOW AHEAD OF ROY MOORE
Such an inspirational story for Alabama, as the guy who convicted the church bombers narrowly defeats a cartoonishly racist pedophile fake cowboy who got a mere 70-75% of the white vote. The crazy part is that it really does feel like an achievement. Alabama is just so bad.
The key is…this is NOT an elastic group of voters. It’s the least likely group to “swing” maybe in the country. This is HUGE.
Indeed.
Also…
– R. Moore campaigning at the girl scout jamboree
‘murka!!
I am too lazy to look all the way back but have we covered Kenny Britt catching the superb owl winning td this year for the Pats?
77% MAH NINJAS!!!
w/in 6k votes now. IT’S HAPPENING!!
62% probability again.
Your senate race was the opening story on the local news tonight on 2 stations up here. Only 25% of people voted?
The final Alabama numbers are in and… my GOD!
LOL…Rusted Leadership.
One of my favorite all-time memes.
Also, “This is dog, I can play Quarterback”
Mobile and Montgomery
And Selma.
this is too fucking close, though.
Little known fact: during a summer break in college in 1976, Roy Moore was a roadie for a concert tour:
the black counties with the State Senate race haven’t reported at all, either
like they would let those be counted. Grow up Hippo.
They weren’t allowed on the bus to bring their results probably.