Your “We Could Use Another Miracle Right About Now” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Evening, dick jokers and jokerettes. As you may have heard, resident open threader BrewHomeyRex is on leave this weekly, likely exploiting free Canadian health care and bragging about his head-of-state’s glove size.  But enough about maple leaf condoms, I volunteered to fill in today for two reasons: Chanukah and the Alabama Special Election.

Now, I know what you’re thinking:

  1. That’s not how you spell Hanukkah, Chanuka, Hanukah, Hannukka…
  2. I thought we stopped using “Special” as a euphemism

:ahem: back to point number one, tonight is the first night of aforementioned festival of lights, so HAPPY HANNUKAH!

 

Sorry, there was a special request for dreidels, so wanted to knock that out right away.

Yes, tonight at sundown commences Hannukah, that holiday non-Jews think is really important but barely registers liturgically. Just about every Jewish holiday is some variation on “they tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat!”  Chanukah is the same, with the “they” being King Antiochus and his Syrian kingdom, and this time we add pyromania to the mix. You see, when this “they” tried to kill “us” (read: the Jews), the temple was destroyed.  Following an underdog victory to vanquish the oppressors (Maccabees are to Antiochus as App State is to Michigan), our peeps returned to the temple to find only enough oil to make the lamps burn for one day, but it lasted for eight days instead. It was a miracle! So now we celebrate the shit out of that miracle by lighting small fires for eight days and eating a bunch of fatty foods fried in oil.  And that shit starts at sundown tonight, so Happy Hanukkah!  If you want to learn more, we can get into it in the comments or we can do a DFO meet up at a temple or something.

I, for one, will be celebrating my heritage tonight by ignoring it completely in order to go to a compulsory work holiday party scheduled with no regard for my own religious traditions or schedule.

Now that we’ve got that covered…

Even though it’s a random Tuesday in December in an odd number year, there is an election today. And thanks to Roy Moore’s wife, this is now directly related to Chanukah! Oh, and pro tip: if you want to tell people you’re not anti-semitic, don’t “prove it” by pointing to someone you employee and say “look, a Jew!” Doesn’t work like you might intend.

Irrespective of that ridiculousness, as of yesterday, the pollsters thought Roy Moore was up by 9 or Doug Jones was up by 10. So basically, no one knows shit beyond the fact that the vast majority of Republicans in Alabama will vote for a guy who was kicked off the bench for being an asshole even before it was widely known that he’s an exploitative fuckwad/creep targeting underage girls (oh and he’s completely unfit for office beyond that morally reprehensible and disqualifying fact). And for those of you scoring at home, this is all to fill the Senate seat made vacant due to the miraculous appointment to Attorney General for Jeff Sessions, who I can personally attest makes Ben Roethlisberger look like a Rhodes Scholar.  For more perspective on Roy Moore, just check out how conservative Alabama Senator Richard Shelby and former Republican spokesman/strategist/whatever say about the GOP’s nominee for United States Senator from Alabama.  Yeah, this guy was bad news even before it came out that he has the dating morals of Roman Polaski. This particular special election is  clear: vote for a decent human being or let your loyalty to the Republican party/blind hatred of all things Democrat lead you to vote for a contemptible human being. Of course, I’m expecting Roy Moore to win by 5 points.

So even though there aren’t enough Democrats in Alabama to last one day every four years since the Civil Rights Act of 1964, let’s pray for a miracle that tonight, there are enough anti-terrible people voters that yield a partial Senate term through 2020 for the guy who isn’t a fuckwad.

No matter what happens, at least we can light some shit on fire for the next eight nights.

As for SPROTS! not a whole that on today that will grab my attention, but YMMV.

NFL:

NHL: 

Ice Argonauts @ Ice Eagles appear to be “nationally” broadcast on something called TVA at 6pm DFO time
Ice Buccaneers @ Ice Abandoned Former Rams will be on NBCSN at 7pm DFO time

NBA:

In what would have been a key matchup through most of my childhood, the Lakers take on the Knicks at 6pm DFO time (ESPN has you there)
And “Trust the Process” travels to Minnysota to face the Men’s Lynx starting at 8:30pm DFO time (also on tWWL)

AAA NBA:

A veritable bounty of whogivesashit starting with the 6pm slot–

Mississippi State at Cincinnati (ESPN2)
St. Peter’s at Seton Hall (FS1)
Columbia at BC (ACCNE)
Fordham at Rutgers (ESPNU)
LITERALLY 9 DIFFERENT OPTIONS LISTED ON ESPN 3

San Diego at Colorado at 7pm (PAC12)
Michigan at Texas at 8pm (ESPN2)
Albany at Memphis at 8pm (ESPNU)
Jacksonville State at Oregon State at 9pm (PAC12)

NCAA Women’s Basketball:

Tennessee State at Louisville at 6pm (ACCNE)
North Florida at Michigan at 6pm (BTN)

Baseketball:

Nothing live, but probably worth rewatching, even if it’s just to pick up life tips.

Total Fucking Bullshit:

WWE Smackdown at 10pm (USA)

Hmmmm, some DFOers may not like that description.

Eh fuck it. Even if you don’t watch any of that, you can still get good and drunk so we have dick jokes to talk about. That and anal.  Remember, a dick joke can make your whole day, but anal can make your hole weak.

/shows self out

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West, then to SoCal, then back to the mountain West, and then again back to our nation's capital. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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King Hippo

not a word about the paedo’s fee-fees. WOOOO!!!!

SonOfSpam

Roy Moore loses at blackjack because he doesn’t hit on anything over 14.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Shit! That’s good.

SonOfSpam

Not mine, unfortunately. First heard it years ago about R. Kelly.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m giving you the Vaudeville Credit; you said it last.

nomonkeyfun

Roy Moore would never “eat a peach”. They are too fuzzy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Another one.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Roy Moore just found Sweet Sixteens were parties five months ago.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Jones speech, shouts out to black community, Latino community, and Jewish folks. No bones thrown to LBGTQ folks, but I guess that would be a bridge too far for Alabama.

SonOfSpam

“That one guy in the coat closet in the Tuscaloosa Country Club when I had one too many spritzers…”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Someone once asked Roy Moore if he ever fucked a 10, and he said, “Oh yeah me and Ben McAdoo once… I mean, no, never.”

blaxabbath

We not doing Marc Trestman anymore?

SonOfSpam

We’re too old.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[redacted]

SonOfSpam

Grope
Only
Prepubescents

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

“To Roy Moore’s lawyer, Happy Hanukkah!” wouldn’t have quite cut it.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Roy Moore doesn’t know how to win elections, but he does know how to get cheerleader captain pubes out of his teeth.

SonOfSpam

Yeah, you just let go, right?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t think she was a captain anyway.

SonOfSpam

Underachieving skank.

Senor Weaselo

Yeah, isn’t the captain normally a senior?
/My HS didn’t have cheerleaders, honestly don’t know

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

//I don’t care; that is a great joke.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Grass
On the field
Play ball

blaxabbath

Do not let Doug Jones’ victory distract you from the fact that in 1998, The Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell In A Cell, and plummeted 16 ft through an announcer’s table.

WCS

BAH GAWD, KING

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Roy Moore’s fucked more 17 year olds than online child porn laws.

blaxabbath

::erection fades::

-dennis hastert

blaxabbath

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nice.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Usually when an old man fucks cheerleaders, it means Al Davis was too senile to pay the Raiderettes in 2010.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Fox has already stopped talking about the loss and is going right back into criticizing the Mueller investigation. It’s OK Fox, most of your viewers are taking their Dulcolax and putting on their jammies.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Don’t call Roy Innis an Uncle Tom, and Geraldo wouldn’t need nose surgery.

https://youtu.be/XnADCwtobiA?t=2m48s

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean this is just wonderful.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Fucking Fox News guy says the church bombing that Doug Jones convicted the KKK guys of committing happened 30 years ago. That was 1963. No math majors at FNews, I guess.

SonOfSpam

Math is for librul homos.

blaxabbath

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“Can I finish? May I finish? Thank you.

Fractions are for fags.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“I’m a millennial. Millennials don’t like labels.”

Senor Weaselo

Eh, there is one fraction in Alabama they were okay with…

SonOfSpam

+ 3/5

Viva La Tabula Raza

Spurs drop this one. Guess I’ll ease on over to Fox News and watch schadenfreudically as they spaz out like Ian Holm did in Alien when Yaphet Kotto knocked his head off.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ashe is a goddamned robot!!!!

WCS

Uh, I’m asking you now to pull the plug.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I won’t lie about your chances but you have my sympathies.

SonOfSpam

McConnell just released a statement saying Jones should “do the right thing and serve the people of Alabama and vote with the Republicans…”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHH

(deep breath)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

blaxabbath

I wouldn’t even be surprised if McConnell refused to seat him.

SonOfSpam

Yeah, could kinda see that from Turtle McChinless.

...

He will absolutely do that until next year.

Gratliff

The problem with Mitch is he still has enough supporters to realistically serve out the last 75 of his 150 year life span.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Somebody get into the Manischewitz?

...

The best part about this election is that Trump backed a loser *twice.*

blaxabbath

Dude – if Strange had won the primary, he’d totally have won the general there.

TRUMP ACTUALLY BACKED THE CORRECT PICK!

SonOfSpam

Well, Trump DID invent the name “Big Luther” so there’s that.

blaxabbath

Big Luther is what Roy Moore tells teenagers….

Look, point it that Roy Moore hits on kids.

...

He should definitely argue being wrongs make a right.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Blind squirrel, acorn, blah blah blah.

SonOfSpam

SO TIRED OF THE WINNING.

Also, Mr. President, eat a giant bag of dicks, you repugnant loser.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

One more positive thing that many people have overlooked, it looks like Jones will win by more than 0.5%, which means that an automatic recount won’t be triggered, so this won’t drag out for too much longer.

blaxabbath

Oh, I’d expect the state to do it anyways. Remember, Jones didn’t sweep.

King Hippo

“In other words, YES I’m sure” – God

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
theeWeeBabySeamus

Reprising (and improving) my bus joke from earlier…

Q: Why does it take longer to get the results from the traditionally black counties in Alabama?
A: It’s a longer walk from teh back of teh bus.

Gratliff

So these good feelings end instantly if Alabama wins the national championship, right?

SonOfSpam

Well, duh.

Shogun Marcus

That was far too close. Let’s not go all daisy-chaining just yet. A good day yes, but seriously, too close. Fix our shit crackers.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Agreed; a few stayed home. Just listening to an envangelical woman voter saying it would be difficult to vote for this fucker, but good christians need to because of aburshun and teh gays agender.

...

This result is absolutely mindboggling considering how Alabama is one of the most Republican states in the country, it’s a fantastic result.

...

And when you consider this is a one-party state that suppressed the fuck out of votes, it should have been a much bigger margin.

SonOfSpam

Well, suppressed “some” votes.

Black. They suppressed black votes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I wish I could share that; this vote will double down the white backlash and the republican grass-root efforts. The hope I have is that at some point there is enough if these in congress to stem the tide (NPI) of the republican rape for the rich campaign.

I do hope my pessimism is incorrect.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Loooooooool. Fox News: “Thank god we don’t have to worry about people asking us about our kiddy fucking Alabama senator now! It’s actually v good we lost.”

WCS

Fox News just called it for Doug Jones.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Are they weeping quietly?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Why the long face, Britt Hume?

blaxabbath

“This has been too easy for Trump. He wants a challenge. He’s happy that Jones won!”

King Hippo

AP was like 3 minutes behind me, but they have also called it now. BOOM!

Gratliff

It’s time for the traditional Fox News schadenfreude viewing

...

LOL Trump is going to trash Moore on Twitter and say he was right about Strange.

Senor Weaselo

What’s the O/U with minutes after concession speech?

Senor Weaselo

I gotta say I’m surprised. I thought Saban would be running away with this.

WCS

Don’t lose to Auburn. SMH

King Hippo

Hippo’s calling it. Doug Jones is the 49th Demmycratic-aligned United States Senator. THANK YOU, ALABAMA!!!

/told YEEEEWWWW the South had enough decent folk left

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippo’s right. My uncle only said the n-word once today.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Mr. Ayo

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theeWeeBabySeamus

You’re just mad you didn’t think of it.
😛

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

DOUG MUTHAFUCKIN’ JONES IS NOW AHEAD OF ROY MOORE

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Such an inspirational story for Alabama, as the guy who convicted the church bombers narrowly defeats a cartoonishly racist pedophile fake cowboy who got a mere 70-75% of the white vote. The crazy part is that it really does feel like an achievement. Alabama is just so bad.

King Hippo

The key is…this is NOT an elastic group of voters. It’s the least likely group to “swing” maybe in the country. This is HUGE.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Indeed.

Also…

This is HUGE.

– R. Moore campaigning at the girl scout jamboree

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

‘murka!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

I am too lazy to look all the way back but have we covered Kenny Britt catching the superb owl winning td this year for the Pats?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

77% MAH NINJAS!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

w/in 6k votes now. IT’S HAPPENING!!

King Hippo

62% probability again.

litre_cola

Your senate race was the opening story on the local news tonight on 2 stations up here. Only 25% of people voted?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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...

The final Alabama numbers are in and… my GOD!

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Spur

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theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL…Rusted Leadership.

blaxabbath

One of my favorite all-time memes.

Also, “This is dog, I can play Quarterback”

King Hippo

Mobile and Montgomery

WCS

And Selma.

King Hippo

this is too fucking close, though.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Little known fact: during a summer break in college in 1976, Roy Moore was a roadie for a concert tour:comment image

King Hippo

the black counties with the State Senate race haven’t reported at all, either

Spur

like they would let those be counted. Grow up Hippo.

theeWeeBabySeamus

They weren’t allowed on the bus to bring their results probably.