Your “We Could Use Another Miracle Right About Now” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Evening, dick jokers and jokerettes. As you may have heard, resident open threader BrewHomeyRex is on leave this weekly, likely exploiting free Canadian health care and bragging about his head-of-state’s glove size.  But enough about maple leaf condoms, I volunteered to fill in today for two reasons: Chanukah and the Alabama Special Election.

Now, I know what you’re thinking:

  1. That’s not how you spell Hanukkah, Chanuka, Hanukah, Hannukka…
  2. I thought we stopped using “Special” as a euphemism

:ahem: back to point number one, tonight is the first night of aforementioned festival of lights, so HAPPY HANNUKAH!

 

Sorry, there was a special request for dreidels, so wanted to knock that out right away.

Yes, tonight at sundown commences Hannukah, that holiday non-Jews think is really important but barely registers liturgically. Just about every Jewish holiday is some variation on “they tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat!”  Chanukah is the same, with the “they” being King Antiochus and his Syrian kingdom, and this time we add pyromania to the mix. You see, when this “they” tried to kill “us” (read: the Jews), the temple was destroyed.  Following an underdog victory to vanquish the oppressors (Maccabees are to Antiochus as App State is to Michigan), our peeps returned to the temple to find only enough oil to make the lamps burn for one day, but it lasted for eight days instead. It was a miracle! So now we celebrate the shit out of that miracle by lighting small fires for eight days and eating a bunch of fatty foods fried in oil.  And that shit starts at sundown tonight, so Happy Hanukkah!  If you want to learn more, we can get into it in the comments or we can do a DFO meet up at a temple or something.

I, for one, will be celebrating my heritage tonight by ignoring it completely in order to go to a compulsory work holiday party scheduled with no regard for my own religious traditions or schedule.

Now that we’ve got that covered…

Even though it’s a random Tuesday in December in an odd number year, there is an election today. And thanks to Roy Moore’s wife, this is now directly related to Chanukah! Oh, and pro tip: if you want to tell people you’re not anti-semitic, don’t “prove it” by pointing to someone you employee and say “look, a Jew!” Doesn’t work like you might intend.

Irrespective of that ridiculousness, as of yesterday, the pollsters thought Roy Moore was up by 9 or Doug Jones was up by 10. So basically, no one knows shit beyond the fact that the vast majority of Republicans in Alabama will vote for a guy who was kicked off the bench for being an asshole even before it was widely known that he’s an exploitative fuckwad/creep targeting underage girls (oh and he’s completely unfit for office beyond that morally reprehensible and disqualifying fact). And for those of you scoring at home, this is all to fill the Senate seat made vacant due to the miraculous appointment to Attorney General for Jeff Sessions, who I can personally attest makes Ben Roethlisberger look like a Rhodes Scholar.  For more perspective on Roy Moore, just check out how conservative Alabama Senator Richard Shelby and former Republican spokesman/strategist/whatever say about the GOP’s nominee for United States Senator from Alabama.  Yeah, this guy was bad news even before it came out that he has the dating morals of Roman Polaski. This particular special election is  clear: vote for a decent human being or let your loyalty to the Republican party/blind hatred of all things Democrat lead you to vote for a contemptible human being. Of course, I’m expecting Roy Moore to win by 5 points.

So even though there aren’t enough Democrats in Alabama to last one day every four years since the Civil Rights Act of 1964, let’s pray for a miracle that tonight, there are enough anti-terrible people voters that yield a partial Senate term through 2020 for the guy who isn’t a fuckwad.

No matter what happens, at least we can light some shit on fire for the next eight nights.

As for SPROTS! not a whole that on today that will grab my attention, but YMMV.

NFL:

NHL: 

Ice Argonauts @ Ice Eagles appear to be “nationally” broadcast on something called TVA at 6pm DFO time
Ice Buccaneers @ Ice Abandoned Former Rams will be on NBCSN at 7pm DFO time

NBA:

In what would have been a key matchup through most of my childhood, the Lakers take on the Knicks at 6pm DFO time (ESPN has you there)
And “Trust the Process” travels to Minnysota to face the Men’s Lynx starting at 8:30pm DFO time (also on tWWL)

AAA NBA:

A veritable bounty of whogivesashit starting with the 6pm slot–

Mississippi State at Cincinnati (ESPN2)
St. Peter’s at Seton Hall (FS1)
Columbia at BC (ACCNE)
Fordham at Rutgers (ESPNU)
LITERALLY 9 DIFFERENT OPTIONS LISTED ON ESPN 3

San Diego at Colorado at 7pm (PAC12)
Michigan at Texas at 8pm (ESPN2)
Albany at Memphis at 8pm (ESPNU)
Jacksonville State at Oregon State at 9pm (PAC12)

NCAA Women’s Basketball:

Tennessee State at Louisville at 6pm (ACCNE)
North Florida at Michigan at 6pm (BTN)

Baseketball:

Nothing live, but probably worth rewatching, even if it’s just to pick up life tips.

Total Fucking Bullshit:

WWE Smackdown at 10pm (USA)

Hmmmm, some DFOers may not like that description.

Eh fuck it. Even if you don’t watch any of that, you can still get good and drunk so we have dick jokes to talk about. That and anal.  Remember, a dick joke can make your whole day, but anal can make your hole weak.

/shows self out

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.

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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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laserguru

The Los Angeles Chargers are winning the West.

It has been ordained.

ballsofsteelandfury

How high are you?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Coast to coast.

Senor Weaselo

I have accidentally watched a minute of something called The Fantasy Show. I want to throw a sledgehammer at the TV.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, that is NOT on Cinamax.

Beerguyrob

Does Charles Barkley finally get a championship ring?
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Shrek looks different in this picture.

ballsofsteelandfury

You shoot porn at home?

Beerguyrob

Warehouse.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You shoot porn in a warehouse?

Redshirt

Alabama Recount Rules (last updated 4/7/1927)

1. The Republican Candidate gains 5,000.
2. All (racial profanity) votes get “lost”.

I think we’re in trouble.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Democratic Party: We really don’t know what we’re doing, and we’d like to thank the Republican Party for going full-throat behind full retard candidates.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I finished off the dregs of a bottle of tequila in celebration of Doug Jones’ victory. I feel good.

nomonkeyfun

Roy Moore will cry with his 12 year old.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t think tequila can be dregs, unless it is shitty tequila, of course.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Cazadores. So, not terrible, but certainly of this world.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It is a great tequila for the price. I do prefer it a a mix in a Mooserita (sorry) and like my more expensive Azul for teh sippin’

nomonkeyfun

Time to celebrate the result by watching MILF porn. Your Mom would approve.

Redshirt

Have a nice one, Senator Cruz.

blaxabbath

God our elected officials are so…bad at hiding anything.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Approve? She’s in it.

*The earlier versions anyway.

Moore disproves of MILF porn.

Redshirt

Watching CNN reaction.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You probably should switch to Fox.

Redshirt

I don’t watch Fox News. I want the actual news, not sanitized news.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sanitized is an interesting term for what they do.

Redshirt

I’m tired. I couldn’t figure out how to make a “Soviet Political Officer” or “American North Korean Newsperson” reference without you all wondering if I’ve suffered a stroke.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It is close enough for me.

blaxabbath

Have you heard of….

comment image?w=685

Redshirt

I would make a Star Trek Joke where Worf and Gowron said “‘Destroying an empire to win a war is no victory and ending a battle to save an empire is no defeat.'” but I think its been well established that the Republican Party has no honor.

WCS

This is your Party. Well, it might have been. Today, it’s the “Party” of Sean Hannity, Steve Bannon, and Rish Limbaugh. None of those guys are in public service, yet, they continue to push the narrative.

The Democrats have more problems than possible to list here. They’re fucking idiots, and all they do is luck into any victory they win. But, they haven’t let themsevles been carjacked by a group of dickfaces who have the bullypit.

Social media is stage four lung cancer on this country.

Redshirt

Its not my party. It quit being my party when the Tea Party showed up and compromise become a four letter word.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well fuck, neither one of us can dry then.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I’m enjoying this nebbishy left, for what it’s worth.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, I’m sure there are a few who still do, but they are more rare than 12 year old virgins in Alabama.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

Say what you will about Roy Moore. At least we know he wpuldn’t make his mistress have an abortion.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Unless she wasn’t white.

nomonkeyfun

He would only fuck them over.

He doesn’t go for that chin-chang-chong talk.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, prolly not…. but then these hypocrites usually have a full bag of suppressed perversions.

nomonkeyfun

Also she prolly hasn’t had her period yet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There we go!!

blaxabbath

We’re watching Unsolved Mysteries.

It’s held up pretty well.

Redshirt

Scott Jennings
✔ @ScottJenningsKY

Well, let’s see. Today, Mitch McConnell is delivering tax reform, 12 Circuit Judges (record), a Supreme Court justice, and a rollback of Obama’s regulatory state.

Bannon is delivering Doug Jones to the US Senate in the reddest state in America.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, let’s see. Today, Mitch McConnell is delivering tax reform, 12 Circuit Judges (record), a Supreme Court justice, and a rollback of Obama’s regulatory state.

Way to ruin the mood.

Redshirt

Oh, sorry. I was making fun that the Conservatives’ version of Michael Moore screwed the party over.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

um…. sure.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Roy Moore: Let’s go home and sleep on it.

(referring to his Dora the Explorer doll)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BOOOM!

Redshirt

Charles Cornwallis, October 17, 1781: “Bloody hell, these Yankee wankers actually pulled it off!”
Robert E. Lee, April 9, 1865: “Alright! Alright! They’re free now!”
Adolf Hitler, April 30, 1945: “Wo habe ich meine Waffe hingelegt?”

Roy Moore: December 12, 2017: “I didn’t lose! Fake news! I won! Honest!”

blaxabbath

‪Does Doug Jones win if Crimson Tide are left out of the CFB Playoff? Not sure I see 20K writing in a guy headed to the Cotton Bowl.‬

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Cotton bowl.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nice. Even though that book does pretty well on its own.

JerBear50
JerBear50

Heh. You knowing who Andrist is just elevated you considerably in my book.

Redshirt

Thank God. There are good people in the world. Or in Alabama at least.

King Hippo

while the scumbucket pretended to his cultists it wasn’t over, the margin doubled to a full 1.5%

Again, God is sending pretty strong hints

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

This why A-aron doesn’t commercial anymore.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Dilly dilly! To the Pit of Misery with you, Roy..

King Hippo

if God is always in control…then TAKE A HINT, ASSHOLE

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

“Way to make me commit statutory rape, God”

Redshirt

We may actually see God Himself show up on Earth just to smite this guy personally.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

The Penis is evil! The Penis shoots Seeds, and makes new Life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the Gun shoots Death and purifies the Earth of the filth of Brutals.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Similar to the actual.

Col. Duke LaCross

Oh for fucks sake. He’s not gonna concede is he?

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I mean…..

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Goddamit Moore, get out there and give your confession speech. Oh, here he is!

Edit: Fox says Moore will not concede, will want recount.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Unfortunately for him, it won’t be triggered automatically. He’s gonna have to pay for it himself.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That girl scout cookie money is gonna take a hit?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is fucking stupendous; well done….. well, rare really, but still.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well aren’t you sweet.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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If it makes me chuckle nothing else matters…. well if it offends someone else that is just a bonus.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Roy Moore’s pants drawer is also known as “The Living Megan’s Law Crime Lab”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is this where this fucking garbage blames his victims?

blaxabbath

This is my banner quote.

Fuck it- just name the banner “Buddy’s House”.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Uncle Ed’s thoughts, “I’d vote for a gay person before I voted for Roy Moore. Aaron Rodgers is still hurt right?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

When asked if he wanted to fuck little girls, Roy Moore angrily replied, “Nah – back off!”

blaxabbath

At the end of the day, it just seemed like black females in Alabama didn’t feel like Moore was someone they could just sit down and have a beer with.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Because Roy Moore wouldn’t let you sit down.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They could in the back.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Or even let them in the building. Except to clean up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, the ones he wanted to sit with are way under drinking age anyway.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Roy Moore was never in the Klan, but he did like to cut a hole in a white sheet at high school bonfires.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Roy Moore is Ted Bundy without the charisma.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Or a VW.

King Hippo

ol’ Ted was MOAR of a Country Club Republican, methinks

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Warthog

Dolphins yesterday and Jones tonight. Not sure if this was the winning I was promised, but I’m not tired of it yet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

“Damn right I’d like to feel up some bobby sox!”

“Uh, no Judge Moore…I asked if you wanted a grape Nehi.”

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Trump tweets!
“Congratulations to Doug Jones on a hard fought victory. The write-in votes played a very big factor, but a win is a win. The people of Alabama are great, and the Republicans will have another shot at this seat in a very short period of time. It never ends!”
I don’t believe he wrote that, to be honest.

SonOfSpam

Zero chance. None at all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s not past 2:00 am toilet run so no; he didn’t.

Redshirt

Maybe he drunk tweeted?

nomonkeyfun

Won’t someone think of the children.

“I do everyday.”

-Roy Moore

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The thing that makes this Jones win twice as sweet is that it’s a nice fat FUCK YOU to Trump, who thought he was going to be able to swing the election for Moore.

blaxabbath

Nick Saban won this election for America.

Trump to tweet about the DOJ investigating NCAA sports in 3…2…1…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s quite possible. Write-ins were 22k and margin was just 9k.

blaxabbath

I KNOW IT’S QUITE POSSIBLE!

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

If Roy Moore were in the Bible, all of Genesis would consist of him trying to sneak back into the Garden of Eden to eat a ripe kiwi.

blaxabbath

This was totally your uncle.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Uncle Ed waited until they were 35. He likes his women to have breathalyzers in their cars and be able to remember when REM was good.

“No you dumb skank, Monster was shit! Get out of my sight!”

nomonkeyfun

So I guess politicians shouldn’t get caught with a live girl either.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Vut?”

-Guido Henckel von Donnersmark

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, that’s a bit obscure.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Chants of “USA! USA!” during Jones speech. Republicans: “Hey! That’s our chant! We copyrighted it! Litigate!”