Evening, dick jokers and jokerettes. As you may have heard, resident open threader BrewHomeyRex is on leave this weekly, likely exploiting free Canadian health care and bragging about his head-of-state’s glove size. But enough about maple leaf condoms, I volunteered to fill in today for two reasons: Chanukah and the Alabama Special Election.
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
- That’s not how you spell Hanukkah, Chanuka, Hanukah, Hannukka…
- I thought we stopped using “Special” as a euphemism
:ahem: back to point number one, tonight is the first night of aforementioned festival of lights, so HAPPY HANNUKAH!
Sorry, there was a special request for dreidels, so wanted to knock that out right away.
Yes, tonight at sundown commences Hannukah, that holiday non-Jews think is really important but barely registers liturgically. Just about every Jewish holiday is some variation on “they tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat!” Chanukah is the same, with the “they” being King Antiochus and his Syrian kingdom, and this time we add pyromania to the mix. You see, when this “they” tried to kill “us” (read: the Jews), the temple was destroyed. Following an underdog victory to vanquish the oppressors (Maccabees are to Antiochus as App State is to Michigan), our peeps returned to the temple to find only enough oil to make the lamps burn for one day, but it lasted for eight days instead. It was a miracle! So now we celebrate the shit out of that miracle by lighting small fires for eight days and eating a bunch of fatty foods fried in oil. And that shit starts at sundown tonight, so Happy Hanukkah! If you want to learn more, we can get into it in the comments or we can do a DFO meet up at a temple or something.
I, for one, will be celebrating my heritage tonight by ignoring it completely in order to go to a compulsory work holiday party scheduled with no regard for my own religious traditions or schedule.
Now that we’ve got that covered…
Even though it’s a random Tuesday in December in an odd number year, there is an election today. And thanks to Roy Moore’s wife, this is now directly related to Chanukah! Oh, and pro tip: if you want to tell people you’re not anti-semitic, don’t “prove it” by pointing to someone you employee and say “look, a Jew!” Doesn’t work like you might intend.
Irrespective of that ridiculousness, as of yesterday, the pollsters thought Roy Moore was up by 9 or Doug Jones was up by 10. So basically, no one knows shit beyond the fact that the vast majority of Republicans in Alabama will vote for a guy who was kicked off the bench for being an asshole even before it was widely known that he’s an exploitative fuckwad/creep targeting underage girls (oh and he’s completely unfit for office beyond that morally reprehensible and disqualifying fact). And for those of you scoring at home, this is all to fill the Senate seat made vacant due to the miraculous appointment to Attorney General for Jeff Sessions, who I can personally attest makes Ben Roethlisberger look like a Rhodes Scholar. For more perspective on Roy Moore, just check out how conservative Alabama Senator Richard Shelby and former Republican spokesman/strategist/whatever say about the GOP’s nominee for United States Senator from Alabama. Yeah, this guy was bad news even before it came out that he has the dating morals of Roman Polaski. This particular special election is clear: vote for a decent human being or let your loyalty to the Republican party/blind hatred of all things Democrat lead you to vote for a contemptible human being. Of course, I’m expecting Roy Moore to win by 5 points.
So even though there aren’t enough Democrats in Alabama to last one day every four years since the Civil Rights Act of 1964, let’s pray for a miracle that tonight, there are enough anti-terrible people voters that yield a partial Senate term through 2020 for the guy who isn’t a fuckwad.
No matter what happens, at least we can light some shit on fire for the next eight nights.
As for SPROTS! not a whole that on today that will grab my attention, but YMMV.
NFL:
NHL:
Ice Argonauts @ Ice Eagles appear to be “nationally” broadcast on something called TVA at 6pm DFO time
Ice Buccaneers @ Ice Abandoned Former Rams will be on NBCSN at 7pm DFO time
NBA:
In what would have been a key matchup through most of my childhood, the Lakers take on the Knicks at 6pm DFO time (ESPN has you there)
And “Trust the Process” travels to Minnysota to face the Men’s Lynx starting at 8:30pm DFO time (also on tWWL)
AAA NBA:
A veritable bounty of whogivesashit starting with the 6pm slot–
Mississippi State at Cincinnati (ESPN2)
St. Peter’s at Seton Hall (FS1)
Columbia at BC (ACCNE)
Fordham at Rutgers (ESPNU)
LITERALLY 9 DIFFERENT OPTIONS LISTED ON ESPN 3
San Diego at Colorado at 7pm (PAC12)
Michigan at Texas at 8pm (ESPN2)
Albany at Memphis at 8pm (ESPNU)
Jacksonville State at Oregon State at 9pm (PAC12)
NCAA Women’s Basketball:
Tennessee State at Louisville at 6pm (ACCNE)
North Florida at Michigan at 6pm (BTN)
Baseketball:
Nothing live, but probably worth rewatching, even if it’s just to pick up life tips.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1E5ZxphZH8
Total Fucking Bullshit:
WWE Smackdown at 10pm (USA)
Hmmmm, some DFOers may not like that description.
Eh fuck it. Even if you don’t watch any of that, you can still get good and drunk so we have dick jokes to talk about. That and anal. Remember, a dick joke can make your whole day, but anal can make your hole weak.
/shows self out
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/where-we-are-after-90-minutes
went down to 62%, back up to 70%. BELIEVE IN ALABAMA, Y’ALL
I guess all the bullying of those hicks worked!
Fine. But Wyoming is still totes fake.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFYRkzznsc0
There’s no shortage of dummies on the left, but goddamn do they put some stupid motherfuckers on TV.
Hippo jinxed the election
He does that.
NAWT SO FAST!!!
/Montgomery ain’t in
Turns out those muffins were just urinal cakes.
But they are so minty!
Well, these were a bit salty too; may have been slightly used.
Did the hair tip you off?
DAMN IT!
Wood Giants hold on in OT, hey!
GUYS GUYS GUYS!!!!!!!
I just saw a thing on teh TeeVee about a new…a new…
STAR WARS MOVIE!!!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lCW-iaOZ_M
That resolution sucks.
I had trouble masturbating to it also.
Let’s see how the Knicks blow this. “They’re up 4 with 30 seconds left!” you say. Exactly.
now back to 72%, I don’t like THAT!
Forbes with the halftime buzzer beater.
Flyers gonna win their 4th straight. Hockey is stupid and I don’t understand it.
It’s like soccer, but on ice.
That really doesn’t help. does it?
Somewhat related to the subject matter: Indoor Soccer is teh tits.
Remember, this is Sessions’ old seat and he was no doubt nominated thinking the seat was as safe as safe could be so if Jones wins it’s LOLOLOLOL.
Beauregard hisself refused to say who he voted for. Nice “fuck yeeewwww” to Der Fuhrer
85%, y’all
For whom?
Their lord and savior, Nick Saban.
Hail Satan!
Dougie the Demmycrat
We finally found a state with enough white people (~30%) who won’t vote for a white pedophile
Rudy Gay was a great pickup. So happy this guy found a spot on a good team, even happier it’s with the Spurs.
You know he’s good if Texans are OK with a player named Gay.
Unfortunately, probably #notallTexans.
I wonder if the originators of this forum, oh so many years ago, ever thought we’d live-blog an election in Ala-fucking-bama.
Those crucial Barkley and Condi tacit endorsements, yo! We live in such a strange world.
did they imagine President Trump? Strange days.
slowly but surely, the Jones odds ever click higher
He ain’t winning by enough in Deliverance country. Not close.
Let us pray
up to 63%!!!!!
I am legit surprised he’s doing this well. I expected Alabama to Alabama all over the place.
I could legit get some faith back in humanity. Not due to write-ins, either. All people sucking up and voting D.
Is their spokesperson Houston?
Goddamn GTA5 commercial in 2017. I wish more developers gave as much of a shit as making a good game last as Rockstar does.
You mean we don’t need a new Call of Duty and/or Battlefield every six months?
Gotta keep it up so you can have some buffers between the games starring sex predators
It’s worth noting that Manhunt, another Rockstar game, released in 2003 is still a blast to play today.
As of yet, Brian Cox has not been accused of raping anybody, so it has that going for it. He’s also a good dem soc.
Kawhi with a 3 pointer
I have some 16-year-old Lagavulin but do I drink it if Moore wins or if he loses?
Really?
All the above is never the wrong answer.
Too old for if he wins.
Ha!!!!!
That’s pretty funny shit right there.
Does your whisky have a yearbook?
Jones predicted to win by 0.3% currently, by NYT widget. 52% shot
The recount will go to court and then the Gook Ole Boys win for Moore
So Spur is Bill Parcells. You’d think he’d be more sour on the Cowboys.
I call them Jap recounts.
Pretty epic Freudian slip is what that was.
So I’ve read we’re going to see wild swings all night because precincts are so segregated so prepare for heartburn, baby!
Bama and segregation, yeeeewwww don’t say??
Michigan and Texas…not so great at teh baxsetballing.
This is how even:
https://www.nytimes.com/elections/results/alabama-senate-special-election-roy-moore-doug-jones?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=first-column-region®ion=top-news&WT.nav=top-news
I’m presuming most of the write ins are for Nick Saban?
I was joking, but…..
http://www.al.com/sports/index.ssf/2017/12/alabama_man_-_citing_richard_s.html
He’d get them fancy boys in shape quick, what say yeeewwww?
The Dame just brought home a huge container of Pancit and Lumpia provided by her coworker’s husband that used to run a Filipino restaurant, as the return of a work-related favor.
I married well.
Yummy. Hope no balut for dessert.
I draw the line at chicken embryos.
The ones I saw in the Phillipines were duck. Bigger and grosser.
Did someone say Lumpia?
SHIT!!!! I’m out of banana sauce!
the exit polls have it dead fookin’ even
You can’t trust those. No chance the #FAEKNEWZ crowd spoke to the LIBRUL MEDEA.
go to the NYT live tracker
It’s about to go south here pretty quick
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again.
I don’t lean nearly as far to the left as the most vocal fans of DFO, but I still think that jackass needs to fall into the deepest part of the abyss.
Ok compulsory fun starting. Talk later.
Kawhi has made a basket. Hot Damn!
It is an art form.
Dammit. Beat me to it.
Ya snooze ya lose.
That reminds me, I need a nap.
“Snooze”…yeah…that’s what I was doing. As far as you know…
Cuz I haz da hi-speed yo!
So, the local Jack FM affiliate, they of the clever bumper comments, got Danny Green to record a testimonial: “Hi, I’m Danny Green of the San Antonio Spurs, and I never listen to Jack FM.”
That’s pretty solid.
They’ve got another one, probably with his blessing: “None of the Spurs listen to Jack FM, but Matt Bonner does. Does that count?”
If they get Denny Green to record one then I’ll be impressed.
Jones by 8% with three percent reporting…
I almost just spit beer out.
This is hilarious.
Krieger would be envious of my cat’s version of Fort Kickass, don’t you think?
McNabb is into watersports, just like the President. Common grounds is how we heal as a nation.
Oh shit. Do you think it was the Pats who actually recorded the pee tape?
Anything concerning under-inflated balls is fair game in that venue.
How will Alabama embarrass the Nation tonight?
Bama gonna bama.
Yes? Is that the answer we’re looking for?
Go Spurs Go
Glad Lamarcus found a way to stick around.
Kawhi’s back!!!
I love that dude!!! (no homo).
Evening
She always has the scrunched up “I smell something bad” face…like someone cropdusted her with a fart.
The definition of “vapid”.
Hola
Vote by race (Alabama exit):
White
Moore 70%
Jones 27%
Black
Jones 95%
Moore 5%
White folks be into some fucked up shit…
Specifically, pedophilia
Hey, don’t forget serial murder. That’s ours too. Ppl forget that.
Sir, were you not there when all the white people got to fail high fiving each other when the Beltway Sniper ended up being a black guy?
Cockwallets
Kawhi Leonard returning to the court tonight six months after Zaza Patchouli chop-blocked him and the Spurs out of the WCF, and the apparently non-related quadriceps peenectomy whatever-the-hell that has kept him out this season.
Not expecting any miracles but the Hope Sack just got a little more full for the Spurs’ season.
Lakers at Knicks is getting weird as shit…
There is no unit of measure recognized by the global scientific community of humanity as a whole that can measure how much I can’t stand that guy.
Shit-ton?
Fuck-ton?
Like the heat from a thousand burning nuns?
Not even close.
Yeah but how many people can say they would beat Michael Jordan one on one?
Nothing on teevee interests me, so I’ve got the NFLN Iggles/RAMMIT replay on in the background.
I have to go watch a movie before balls disowns me.
I’m holding up our writing efforts.
(sorry balls, tonight I promise…probably)
“Sorry balls, tonight I promise”.
I can’t tell you how many weekends I let my balls down with that fantasy.
Man, rooting against the Republican candidate is like rooting against the Patriots.
One difference, the Patriots have a lot more black people on the team than the Republicans have on theirs.
Also of note, the Patriots aren’t….well….
Well, the Patriots have a lot more black people on the team than the Republicans have on theirs!
Buncha lightweights. Us rednecks do that the whole year ’round.
(Also, yay foar dreidels!!!)
You’re welcome
Just turned on Smackdown and the Shoot Homophobic Christian Fundie Champion just hugged some foreigners as a joke. It’s very much like politics, really.
Do you think Al Fraken’s real first name is Alfred?
I would prefer to think of him as an Aloysius.
Free hockey game is… Ottawa-Buffalo? I guess I’ll just watch roy moore win a fucking election instead.
So you’re saying Opening of one of the seven seals >>>>> meh hockey?
Is this Seal 5 or 6?
TBH, I’ve lost count…maybe #4?
Well Seal 3 was about 20 years ago now…
Was this the first seal(s)?
This was seal #5
Not bragging-but my re-heated chili is bringing the boys to the yard.
Are their farts better than yours?
My farts are #1.
Yeah, I’m probably as right wing lunatic as we get around here — and even I think it’s probably time to let the pendulum swing way the hell left for a decade or so and, frankly, I’m completely alright with ruling Democrats just ignoring birther hotbeds like AL and overregulating everything the Feds touch.
THEN we’ll throw out the coloreds and the ladies and start cutting like mad again. It’s a beautiful cycle but it must be able to make complete rotations.
It’s getting more and more unlikely that the Alabama senate race is secretly a ballot measure to voluntarily secede from the union.
My netflix account is either drunk or diabolical.
That is wonderful.
*engages rudimentary sense of humor*
-Skynet
I’d like to hear more about your firsthand dealing with Jeff Sessions.
That’s a story to be told IRL over drinks.
Not that it’s too exciting, I just try to limit my PII on this here blog.
Where U live? Flagstaff?
Um, no
/3 weeks ago
*wonders if his 15 yr. old smokes pot*
/today
*finds son’s stash, smokes a part of it
My dad started smoking weed when he retired from the Air Force. Being a 42 year old retired military officer in the Texas heartland in the late 1970s, he didn’t have any connections and so relied on me to supply him, which I was cool with since I was living at home during my first aborted attempt at college. Only problem arose when I wasn’t around and he felt like getting high. After a couple incidents of him going through all my stuff looking for the goods, I finally resorted to just leaving him a tributary stash in an easy to find location. He finally stopped getting high a few years ago at age 77.
We did our first ultrasound yesterday and the reality of this shit came crushing down on me. I got high as shit, ate way too much, and still feel sick today.
Still gonna be a better father than LaVar Ball.
Oh my god that whole fiasco…
Did you know facebook apparently does TV shows now? They do…and the show they are trying to make a big thing is a reality show based around that fucking mess of a family.
Facebook is the worst.