Your “We Could Use Another Miracle Right About Now” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Evening, dick jokers and jokerettes. As you may have heard, resident open threader BrewHomeyRex is on leave this weekly, likely exploiting free Canadian health care and bragging about his head-of-state’s glove size.  But enough about maple leaf condoms, I volunteered to fill in today for two reasons: Chanukah and the Alabama Special Election.

Now, I know what you’re thinking:

  1. That’s not how you spell Hanukkah, Chanuka, Hanukah, Hannukka…
  2. I thought we stopped using “Special” as a euphemism

:ahem: back to point number one, tonight is the first night of aforementioned festival of lights, so HAPPY HANNUKAH!

 

Sorry, there was a special request for dreidels, so wanted to knock that out right away.

Yes, tonight at sundown commences Hannukah, that holiday non-Jews think is really important but barely registers liturgically. Just about every Jewish holiday is some variation on “they tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat!”  Chanukah is the same, with the “they” being King Antiochus and his Syrian kingdom, and this time we add pyromania to the mix. You see, when this “they” tried to kill “us” (read: the Jews), the temple was destroyed.  Following an underdog victory to vanquish the oppressors (Maccabees are to Antiochus as App State is to Michigan), our peeps returned to the temple to find only enough oil to make the lamps burn for one day, but it lasted for eight days instead. It was a miracle! So now we celebrate the shit out of that miracle by lighting small fires for eight days and eating a bunch of fatty foods fried in oil.  And that shit starts at sundown tonight, so Happy Hanukkah!  If you want to learn more, we can get into it in the comments or we can do a DFO meet up at a temple or something.

I, for one, will be celebrating my heritage tonight by ignoring it completely in order to go to a compulsory work holiday party scheduled with no regard for my own religious traditions or schedule.

Now that we’ve got that covered…

Even though it’s a random Tuesday in December in an odd number year, there is an election today. And thanks to Roy Moore’s wife, this is now directly related to Chanukah! Oh, and pro tip: if you want to tell people you’re not anti-semitic, don’t “prove it” by pointing to someone you employee and say “look, a Jew!” Doesn’t work like you might intend.

Irrespective of that ridiculousness, as of yesterday, the pollsters thought Roy Moore was up by 9 or Doug Jones was up by 10. So basically, no one knows shit beyond the fact that the vast majority of Republicans in Alabama will vote for a guy who was kicked off the bench for being an asshole even before it was widely known that he’s an exploitative fuckwad/creep targeting underage girls (oh and he’s completely unfit for office beyond that morally reprehensible and disqualifying fact). And for those of you scoring at home, this is all to fill the Senate seat made vacant due to the miraculous appointment to Attorney General for Jeff Sessions, who I can personally attest makes Ben Roethlisberger look like a Rhodes Scholar.  For more perspective on Roy Moore, just check out how conservative Alabama Senator Richard Shelby and former Republican spokesman/strategist/whatever say about the GOP’s nominee for United States Senator from Alabama.  Yeah, this guy was bad news even before it came out that he has the dating morals of Roman Polaski. This particular special election is  clear: vote for a decent human being or let your loyalty to the Republican party/blind hatred of all things Democrat lead you to vote for a contemptible human being. Of course, I’m expecting Roy Moore to win by 5 points.

So even though there aren’t enough Democrats in Alabama to last one day every four years since the Civil Rights Act of 1964, let’s pray for a miracle that tonight, there are enough anti-terrible people voters that yield a partial Senate term through 2020 for the guy who isn’t a fuckwad.

No matter what happens, at least we can light some shit on fire for the next eight nights.

As for SPROTS! not a whole that on today that will grab my attention, but YMMV.

NFL:

NHL: 

Ice Argonauts @ Ice Eagles appear to be “nationally” broadcast on something called TVA at 6pm DFO time
Ice Buccaneers @ Ice Abandoned Former Rams will be on NBCSN at 7pm DFO time

NBA:

In what would have been a key matchup through most of my childhood, the Lakers take on the Knicks at 6pm DFO time (ESPN has you there)
And “Trust the Process” travels to Minnysota to face the Men’s Lynx starting at 8:30pm DFO time (also on tWWL)

AAA NBA:

A veritable bounty of whogivesashit starting with the 6pm slot–

Mississippi State at Cincinnati (ESPN2)
St. Peter’s at Seton Hall (FS1)
Columbia at BC (ACCNE)
Fordham at Rutgers (ESPNU)
LITERALLY 9 DIFFERENT OPTIONS LISTED ON ESPN 3

San Diego at Colorado at 7pm (PAC12)
Michigan at Texas at 8pm (ESPN2)
Albany at Memphis at 8pm (ESPNU)
Jacksonville State at Oregon State at 9pm (PAC12)

NCAA Women’s Basketball:

Tennessee State at Louisville at 6pm (ACCNE)
North Florida at Michigan at 6pm (BTN)

Baseketball:

Nothing live, but probably worth rewatching, even if it’s just to pick up life tips.

Total Fucking Bullshit:

WWE Smackdown at 10pm (USA)

Hmmmm, some DFOers may not like that description.

Eh fuck it. Even if you don’t watch any of that, you can still get good and drunk so we have dick jokes to talk about. That and anal.  Remember, a dick joke can make your whole day, but anal can make your hole weak.

/shows self out

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Latest posts by BrettFavresColonoscopy (see all)

BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.

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King Hippo
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

went down to 62%, back up to 70%. BELIEVE IN ALABAMA, Y’ALL

theeWeeBabySeamus

BELIEVE IN ALABAMA, Y’ALL

Fine. But Wyoming is still totes fake.

blaxabbath

I guess all the bullying of those hicks worked!

Spur
Spur

Gratliff

There’s no shortage of dummies on the left, but goddamn do they put some stupid motherfuckers on TV.

Gratliff

Hippo jinxed the election

King Hippo

NAWT SO FAST!!!

/Montgomery ain’t in

WCS

He does that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Turns out those muffins were just urinal cakes.

Spur
Spur

Did the hair tip you off?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DAMN IT!

Romonobyl

But they are so minty!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, these were a bit salty too; may have been slightly used.

Senor Weaselo

Wood Giants hold on in OT, hey!

Romonobyl

GUYS GUYS GUYS!!!!!!!
I just saw a thing on teh TeeVee about a new…a new…
STAR WARS MOVIE!!!!!!!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Romonobyl

That resolution sucks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I had trouble masturbating to it also.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Senor Weaselo

Let’s see how the Knicks blow this. “They’re up 4 with 30 seconds left!” you say. Exactly.

King Hippo

now back to 72%, I don’t like THAT!

Spur
Spur

Forbes with the halftime buzzer beater.

Gratliff

Flyers gonna win their 4th straight. Hockey is stupid and I don’t understand it.

Romonobyl

It’s like soccer, but on ice.
That really doesn’t help. does it?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Somewhat related to the subject matter: Indoor Soccer is teh tits.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Remember, this is Sessions’ old seat and he was no doubt nominated thinking the seat was as safe as safe could be so if Jones wins it’s LOLOLOLOL.

King Hippo

Beauregard hisself refused to say who he voted for. Nice “fuck yeeewwww” to Der Fuhrer

King Hippo

85%, y’all

Gratliff

We finally found a state with enough white people (~30%) who won’t vote for a white pedophile

Romonobyl

For whom?

King Hippo

Dougie the Demmycrat

LemonJello
LemonJello

Their lord and savior, Nick Saban.

Spur
Spur

Hail Satan!

Spur
Spur

Rudy Gay was a great pickup. So happy this guy found a spot on a good team, even happier it’s with the Spurs.

Romonobyl

You know he’s good if Texans are OK with a player named Gay.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Unfortunately, probably #notallTexans.

Romonobyl

I wonder if the originators of this forum, oh so many years ago, ever thought we’d live-blog an election in Ala-fucking-bama.

Spur
Spur

did they imagine President Trump? Strange days.

King Hippo

Those crucial Barkley and Condi tacit endorsements, yo! We live in such a strange world.

King Hippo

slowly but surely, the Jones odds ever click higher

King Hippo

He ain’t winning by enough in Deliverance country. Not close.

Spur
Spur

Let us pray
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LemonJello
LemonJello

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King Hippo

up to 63%!!!!!

Gratliff

I am legit surprised he’s doing this well. I expected Alabama to Alabama all over the place.

King Hippo

I could legit get some faith back in humanity. Not due to write-ins, either. All people sucking up and voting D.

litre_cola

Is their spokesperson Houston?

Gratliff

Goddamn GTA5 commercial in 2017. I wish more developers gave as much of a shit as making a good game last as Rockstar does.

WCS

You mean we don’t need a new Call of Duty and/or Battlefield every six months?

Gratliff

Gotta keep it up so you can have some buffers between the games starring sex predators
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WCS

It’s worth noting that Manhunt, another Rockstar game, released in 2003 is still a blast to play today.

Gratliff

As of yet, Brian Cox has not been accused of raping anybody, so it has that going for it. He’s also a good dem soc.

Spur
Spur

Kawhi with a 3 pointer

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I have some 16-year-old Lagavulin but do I drink it if Moore wins or if he loses?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Does your whisky have a yearbook?

Senor Weaselo

Too old for if he wins.

Romonobyl

That’s pretty funny shit right there.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha!!!!!

Romonobyl

All the above is never the wrong answer.

Shogun Marcus

Really?

King Hippo

Jones predicted to win by 0.3% currently, by NYT widget. 52% shot

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

So I’ve read we’re going to see wild swings all night because precincts are so segregated so prepare for heartburn, baby!

King Hippo

Bama and segregation, yeeeewwww don’t say??

Spur
Spur

The recount will go to court and then the Gook Ole Boys win for Moore

Romonobyl

Pretty epic Freudian slip is what that was.

Gratliff

So Spur is Bill Parcells. You’d think he’d be more sour on the Cowboys.

Spur
Spur

I call them Jap recounts.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Michigan and Texas…not so great at teh baxsetballing.

King Hippo
theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m presuming most of the write ins are for Nick Saban?

King Hippo

He’d get them fancy boys in shape quick, what say yeeewwww?

Romonobyl

The Dame just brought home a huge container of Pancit and Lumpia provided by her coworker’s husband that used to run a Filipino restaurant, as the return of a work-related favor.
I married well.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Did someone say Lumpia?
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Romonobyl

SHIT!!!! I’m out of banana sauce!

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Yummy. Hope no balut for dessert.

Romonobyl

I draw the line at chicken embryos.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

The ones I saw in the Phillipines were duck. Bigger and grosser.

King Hippo

the exit polls have it dead fookin’ even

Romonobyl

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again.
I don’t lean nearly as far to the left as the most vocal fans of DFO, but I still think that jackass needs to fall into the deepest part of the abyss.

Gratliff

It’s about to go south here pretty quick

WCS

You can’t trust those. No chance the #FAEKNEWZ crowd spoke to the LIBRUL MEDEA.

King Hippo

go to the NYT live tracker

Spur
Spur

Kawhi has made a basket. Hot Damn!

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

So, the local Jack FM affiliate, they of the clever bumper comments, got Danny Green to record a testimonial: “Hi, I’m Danny Green of the San Antonio Spurs, and I never listen to Jack FM.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

If they get Denny Green to record one then I’ll be impressed.

Senor Weaselo

That’s pretty solid.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

They’ve got another one, probably with his blessing: “None of the Spurs listen to Jack FM, but Matt Bonner does. Does that count?”

Romonobyl

It is an art form.

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Dammit. Beat me to it.

Romonobyl

Cuz I haz da hi-speed yo!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ya snooze ya lose.
That reminds me, I need a nap.

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Snooze”…yeah…that’s what I was doing. As far as you know…

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jones by 8% with three percent reporting…

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I almost just spit beer out.
This is hilarious.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Krieger would be envious of my cat’s version of Fort Kickass, don’t you think?
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Spur
Spur

McNabb is into watersports, just like the President. Common grounds is how we heal as a nation.

Gratliff

Oh shit. Do you think it was the Pats who actually recorded the pee tape?

Romonobyl

Anything concerning under-inflated balls is fair game in that venue.

Spur
Spur

How will Alabama embarrass the Nation tonight?

Senor Weaselo

Yes? Is that the answer we’re looking for?

Shogun Marcus

Bama gonna bama.

Spur
Spur

Go Spurs Go

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Kawhi’s back!!!

Romonobyl

I love that dude!!! (no homo).

Romonobyl

Glad Lamarcus found a way to stick around.

Spur
Spur

Evening

Romonobyl

Hola

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Romonobyl

The definition of “vapid”.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

She always has the scrunched up “I smell something bad” face…like someone cropdusted her with a fart.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Vote by race (Alabama exit):

White
Moore 70%
Jones 27%

Black
Jones 95%
Moore 5%

White folks be into some fucked up shit…

Gratliff

Specifically, pedophilia

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, don’t forget serial murder. That’s ours too. Ppl forget that.

Gratliff

Sir, were you not there when all the white people got to fail high fiving each other when the Beltway Sniper ended up being a black guy?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Kawhi Leonard returning to the court tonight six months after Zaza Patchouli chop-blocked him and the Spurs out of the WCF, and the apparently non-related quadriceps peenectomy whatever-the-hell that has kept him out this season.
Not expecting any miracles but the Hope Sack just got a little more full for the Spurs’ season.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Lakers at Knicks is getting weird as shit…

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Romonobyl

There is no unit of measure recognized by the global scientific community of humanity as a whole that can measure how much I can’t stand that guy.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Yeah but how many people can say they would beat Michael Jordan one on one?

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Shit-ton?
Fuck-ton?
Like the heat from a thousand burning nuns?

Romonobyl

Not even close.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Nothing on teevee interests me, so I’ve got the NFLN Iggles/RAMMIT replay on in the background.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I have to go watch a movie before balls disowns me.
I’m holding up our writing efforts.
(sorry balls, tonight I promise…probably)

Romonobyl

“Sorry balls, tonight I promise”.
I can’t tell you how many weekends I let my balls down with that fantasy.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, rooting against the Republican candidate is like rooting against the Patriots.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

One difference, the Patriots have a lot more black people on the team than the Republicans have on theirs.

blaxabbath

Also of note, the Patriots aren’t….well….

Well, the Patriots have a lot more black people on the team than the Republicans have on theirs!

theeWeeBabySeamus

So now we celebrate the shit out of that miracle by lighting small fires for eight days and eating a bunch of fatty foods fried in oil.

Buncha lightweights. Us rednecks do that the whole year ’round.

(Also, yay foar dreidels!!!)

Gratliff

Just turned on Smackdown and the Shoot Homophobic Christian Fundie Champion just hugged some foreigners as a joke. It’s very much like politics, really.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Do you think Al Fraken’s real first name is Alfred?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I would prefer to think of him as an Aloysius.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Free hockey game is… Ottawa-Buffalo? I guess I’ll just watch roy moore win a fucking election instead.

LemonJello
LemonJello

So you’re saying Opening of one of the seven seals >>>>> meh hockey?

Senor Weaselo

Is this Seal 5 or 6?

LemonJello
LemonJello

TBH, I’ve lost count…maybe #4?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Well Seal 3 was about 20 years ago now…
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Beerguyrob

This was seal #5

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Was this the first seal(s)?
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scotchnaut

Not bragging-but my re-heated chili is bringing the boys to the yard.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Are their farts better than yours?

scotchnaut

My farts are #1.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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blaxabbath

Yeah, I’m probably as right wing lunatic as we get around here — and even I think it’s probably time to let the pendulum swing way the hell left for a decade or so and, frankly, I’m completely alright with ruling Democrats just ignoring birther hotbeds like AL and overregulating everything the Feds touch.

THEN we’ll throw out the coloreds and the ladies and start cutting like mad again. It’s a beautiful cycle but it must be able to make complete rotations.

herodotus450
herodotus450

It’s getting more and more unlikely that the Alabama senate race is secretly a ballot measure to voluntarily secede from the union.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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My netflix account is either drunk or diabolical.

scotchnaut

*engages rudimentary sense of humor*

-Skynet

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

That is wonderful.

blaxabbath

I’d like to hear more about your firsthand dealing with Jeff Sessions.

scotchnaut

/3 weeks ago

*wonders if his 15 yr. old smokes pot*

/today

*finds son’s stash, smokes a part of it

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

My dad started smoking weed when he retired from the Air Force. Being a 42 year old retired military officer in the Texas heartland in the late 1970s, he didn’t have any connections and so relied on me to supply him, which I was cool with since I was living at home during my first aborted attempt at college. Only problem arose when I wasn’t around and he felt like getting high. After a couple incidents of him going through all my stuff looking for the goods, I finally resorted to just leaving him a tributary stash in an easy to find location. He finally stopped getting high a few years ago at age 77.

blaxabbath

We did our first ultrasound yesterday and the reality of this shit came crushing down on me. I got high as shit, ate way too much, and still feel sick today.

Still gonna be a better father than LaVar Ball.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Oh my god that whole fiasco…

Did you know facebook apparently does TV shows now? They do…and the show they are trying to make a big thing is a reality show based around that fucking mess of a family.

blaxabbath

Facebook is the worst.

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