Because Scotchnaut got shamed today while buying beer at the pet store, and thus is now drowning his sorrows with Modelo and single malt, you’re stuck with me tonight.
If you didn’t do the required reading earlier today, you won’t get those references. And thus you should feel as much shame as him. Even more, actually. At least he was trying.
Though he didn’t buy me a puppy so I’m kinda still not happy with him.
–
My Fantasy Football Season Is Over
And good riddance.
At the time of this writing, I’m not technically eliminated from the playoffs. But it would take a minor … errrrrr yuuuuuuge miracle for me to recover today. Thus, unlike a certain Alabamian sex offender we all know and love, I’ve already extended my concession to BeastmodeAteMyBaby. Dude kicked my ass but good to finish off my unremarkable late season slide.
Karma’s a bitch.
I’ll remember that the next time I think about giving someone shit, even as good-natured/humorous as it was intended. Sincere apologies to Covalent Blonde on that one, and congrats to her for then also kicking my ass and starting my late season slide into oblivion/also-ran status.
King Hippo also kicked my ass during that slide, but I expected that one. And he can just suck it anyway.
No, seriously Vlad. Dude’s enjoying my first round bye and winning dough like he gotz a horseshoe up he arse.
(though at the moment, my Yinzer moneyline bet is still looking OK)
((never mind…P*ts FG ties it up…. Jerks))
On the bright side, at least I don’t have to root for Tawmmy to get me the FF win today. And that’s priceless.
Break a leg, Tawmmy….literally.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dX4Jlm75CdM
–
So Who We Got Tonight?
Oh. Crap. Really?
Dallas @ Oakland (+3.0, o/u 46.0)
The Fighten’ JJ’s are still without Zeke for one more week (hey that rhymed). Yet they’ve found a way to limp to a coupla wins lately and keep hope alive. Dak Dak Dak seems to not be ded anymore…20/32, 332 yds, 3 TD, 0 int last week. Then again it was vs the Gigantes. But if they can find a way to get out of the bay area with a win tonight, anything is possible once Zeke hits the field next week.
The Fighten’ Al Davises (Davis’ ?, Davis’s ?) on the other hand, have hit upon hard times and have little reason to expect that to change. Amari Cooper is out for tonight, which is probably being seen as good news for Crabtree and Cook owners. But it probably shouldn’t be. Marshawn Lynch is due to disappear again, and neither Richard nor Washington have shown the ability to carry enough of the load when he does. Trust me, I’ve owned all three of them this year. Much to my chagrin.
If the Raiders protect home field and win tonight….? It probably won’t matter, considering they have to travel to Philly and NawtSD to close things out.
If the ‘Boys get the road win tonight….? It could springboard them into the postseason. Because beginning next week, they’ll be a different team with Zeke in tow when they host Seattle and then close out in Philly.
Sooooo….who wants it less?
Prediction: Cowboys 27, Raiders 17
And no, I’m not betting on this game. No way in hell.
–
Checking In On My Last Bet Of The Day
Oooooh, TD Yinzburgh!!!!
Dammit, Antonio Brown out for the rest of the game….of course, this week.
smgdh
Oh well….
OK then, go talk about it in the comments as usual.
You can even feel free to make fun of me. It seems a popular thing to do around here lately. And it makes me feel very loved.
–
Last Minute Addendum Befoar Scheduled Publishing Time
As always, fuck the P*ts and fuck Tawmmy.
–
Since I took off my Carr jersey in disgust the Raiders have been playing remarkably well.
– Derek Carr
(I kid, I kid)
What do you have left? Socks?
Just the one.
Is Crabtree capable of attempting to make a catch without pushing off?
No.
Capable? Perhaps. Willing? No.
Hank Hill is my spirit animal
Not watching the game. The non-Zeke cowboys are just awful.
Ground game wasn’t bad early on, now…not so much.
Last one.
So many questions to Todd.
Todd can eat shit, beginning and ending with the fact that his name is Todd.
DON’T YOU TALK ABOUT MARINE TODD THAT WAY!
Marine Todd will either:
Rip off your head and shit down your neck.
or
Gouge out your eyes and skullfuck you to death.
“Why don’t I just bend you over the table there and nail ya in the keister… send you home with that “just pumped the neighbor’s cat” look on your face.”
Seriously, have you ever known a Todd that wasn’t a complete dick?
Nope.
The extremely rare triple-recessive genes on display here.
Jesse Plemons is a really good actor. Fantastic in the second season of ‘Fargo’
Which reminds me that I really need to watch the 3rd season.
Yes, you do.
Yet he clearly watches and cares. Otherwise why make your opinion known again?
Curling it is…
I wouldn’t mind the Cowboys riding Zeke to the NFC Championship. Related: I thought the pills were aspirin.
You high right now Don?
No comm➿?t
LMFAO
Oh Roderick, I do not think we have the same definition for raped. Maybe ask your qb?
It’s not rape if the ball was drunk.
Did you see how that ball was dressed?
Webster’s will allow it.
archaic : to seize and take away by force
So how are the standings in her heart?
also, I don’t want to exactly say “Karma for all the bullshit in the Cincy game” but…
They’re hotter than the burning sensation she’s going to get checked at the clinic tomorrow.
Derek Carr: STOP CHASING MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
“Why you chasing me, man?”
“Why you running?”
To Live and Die in L.A. is an underappreciated classic.
Plus you get to see the guy from CSI’s balls.
My 60-something year old aunt got a bit excited at that scene when we watched that movie It was a bit of a weird moment.
“You want bread, fuck a baker.”
So many great lines in that movie.
How the fuck did that just happen?
Someone just threw a dildo onto the field.
Oh sorry, that’s just Derek Carr.
Hey…when’s a dildo ever been bad? No seriously, I have no idea what the problem is. -w. sapp
hey-OH!!
This here is a 5 year olds argument when they lose at anything.
“You’re mean and you smell like poop.”
That’s a five year old’s argument. Period
I smell like poop? IT IS BECAUSE YOU POOPED ON ME!
Why’d you stand there and take it? You LI-I-KE POO-OOP.
Clearly you all have had kids.
Close. Child welfare for 15, teacher now. Also, I refuse to grow up. It’s for stupids.
As an NC State fan who has seen the power of 8 on 5 in baxsetballing….I just wanna say…
Yeah, you’re probably right.
I still don’t think it was the right call; I thought that guy kept his hand under the ball enough to not overrule the call. That said, it’s not the refs, it’s that goddamn stupid “catch/notacatch” rule. He broke the plane with control of the ball. it’s a TD.
Yes I was to understand the goal line is a magical barrier where nothing matters once you break the plane. If he was a RB, that would’ve counted.
Why are the cookies still there?
Exsanguination?
Hummm, he knows a little too much about how Muppets die.
Yeah, but I still can’t figure out how to get rid of snuffleupagus’s body. Is that how you spell it?
It’s gonna take a shitload of acid and big fucking tub.
Seems like it’d be easier to chop it up and feed it to pigs.
Acid?
Really glad I’m not high right now or I’d watch this until morning.
Do you not?
Someone should really tell this dumb person that all domesticated dogs are the same fucking species.
Breeds. Breeds is the word you’re looking for.
Apparently, some survey claims partially torn calves are a big problem in Washington state.
Not since Ted Bundy was executed.
That may be the darkest thing I’ve read here.
And that is saying something.
Thank you.
Heh heh…good one. They should’ve moooved quicker.
So, this first half, more of a clown-show, or a shit-show? Discuss.
I’m cool with the score, but even the derping wasn’t very entertaining.
A shit-show whilst wearing clown shoes.
Second straight game of the Raiders going scoreless through the first half.
I see the Romanians are still bitter about the Dacian Wars.
The French really are pussies.
I’m really glad Beastie made it such that I’m from Ireland.
Dingle specifically.
You can look it up. I’m the 3rd best featherweight from there.
I’ve seen pictures. There’s no way you’re a featherweight.
So close.
You got that right, buster.
I ain’t overweight these days, but even at fighting weight Imma heavyweight.
As one of the resident Cowboys fans here I’d just like to say that was a bullshit PI call on Cook.
GO FU…oh. I mean, yes, I quite agree.
I’ll take it, but yeah it was pretty weak.
How the fuck are you a Cowboys fan?
And how the fuck did I not know that?
I’ve explained this before but many years ago, when we were but wee Cornblowers, my brother and I received football jerseys for Xmas. For years I thought it was my father, a Giants fan, but he has recently blamed an aunt and denied any responsibility.
My brother got a black and gold 32 for Franco Harris and has been a Steelers fan ever since . I got a white and silver 55 for Lee Roy Jordan and have rooted for the Cowboys ever since.
Glad that “aunt”, (I know it was you, Dad), wasn’t a Bengals fan.
Jerry Jones secretly calls Mark Davis “The Crypt-Keeper’s retarded Chucky doll”
Secretly? If he weren’t a cheap bastard he’d be flying that on banners above the stadium.
With Ol’Dubble J, it’s not-so-secret.
WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Jerry Jones still thinks the Black Hole is a Hispanic hooker he pays $12k whenever he’s in Oakland.
There’s a man with his ducks in a r
/giant hook hauls Horatio offstage
I have a feeling they’re not gonna like where this ride ends.
Lawyerball.
I liked that one. They would rather weed out trolls than cheer for the Steelers
You are not helping the cause fine Eagles fan, not helping.
Pity troll Iggles fan
facebook anger is far better than reddit this evening.
Welcome to the Cleveland Browns FanZone!
“Dilly dilly!”
– John Yoo, looking up from a machine he’s designing that will crush a child’s testicles.
Sex robots are not as advanced yet as I’d been led to believe.
Just because it’s not your fetish for this one…
Shut up P*ts fan.
Those assholes cost me scrilla today.
😛
eh, whatever.
I’M UNCANNY ROBOT RIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!
Ah, the Oakland Coliseum, or as I like to call it, “Syria Jr.”
It sucks that Megatron’s only lasting legacy is having the second-dumbest rule ever, behind Tuck Rule, named for him being assfucked by it.
Tuck rule, sir
That’s it.
With hands like that T.J. Carrie should be playing for the Raiders offense!
Hands like Carrie Fisher.
Cold and stiff?
Dez and Marshawn are not holding up their end of the I need 75 combined points bargain
I should know better than to expect the Raiders defense to stop a team that’s facing a 3rd and 12.
Derek Carr doesn’t look like an NFL QB…
He looks like the asshole that stole my HVAC unit for pill money.
Is he wearing eyeliner?
Shit. Dokk got another one.
I’m trying to figure out why it looks like he is missing his left arm at the shoulder.
It’s like the photo in BTTF and he’s stuck in the past being converted to a cyborg beginning with his left hand?
Image must be reversed.
It’s his right arm which has been missing most of the year.
Damn
He just discovered The Cure and is really in to their early stuff.
Did Del Rio just call a timeout so he could keep yelling at the refs?
I’d respect him for that.
I’ve seen teams pull that defensive holding on the guard/tackle a few times this season. First time I’ve seen it called. And of course the Raiders were the ones to get flagged.
“In a survey this week, men said they preferred penis size to height. Sixty-two percent of men said they’d rather be five foot two with a seven inch penis. Thirty-six percent said they’d rather be six foot three with a three inch penis. And the remaining two percent said they’d rather be one foot four with a three hundred inch penis.”
Brett Favre is very happy to be 6’4″
I hope this is what Mom meant by being young and needing the money.
Narrator’s voice: “It wasn’t.”
At 6’2″, I am conflicted. I hate being below average, but I’d probably want to kill myself if I were under 5’6″.
Holding on the defense? In Oakland?
That’s a stabbing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0EvxfcFSrY
Picking up the slack for Dok, who’s been fangirling about SF?
Evergreen Tweet:
You know that could be any one of us, right?
Did someone win the lottery in the last five seconds?
I’d like to think we have enough self respect to get better hair cuts
Not all of us eat the poor.
Buddy I’m losing hair faster than Roy Moore lost votes and I still have a better haircut than Mark Davis.
Wait till he molts.
Steelers reddit is a good time right now
I refuse to believe that.
“i was prepared to lose this game but the fact that we had to listen to a full season of “ben can’t outplay brady” and then he does but nobody will remember it because of that call and the pick makes me sick. the fact we lose brown is just the turd on top of the shit sundae we just got served”
I stand corrected.
This sounds like Hell.
I am not new to football and I still have no fucking idea.
The Pit of Misery come to life.
crabtree wearing that chain??
Every year for Christmas, I ask for a monkey butler. And every year, I come away disappointed. When will my fortune finally change?
The year after you die, they pass the Monkey Butlers For All Act.
I’d also accept a shaved eunuch servant, but apparently those are even harder to come by than monkey butlers these days.
Damn techbros. I blame Dok for the sudden shortage.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKt7BvgVChQ
1st and Alcatraz.