THE WORLD CUP IS STARTING!!!! Open Thread

This is the moment we have all been waiting for!

Shut up, tWBS!

The wait is finally over and the real non-friendly games begin.  We are starting at the ripe time of 4 AM Pacific because the Opening Ceremony to the 2018 World Cup begins at 6:00 AM Pacific and we need time to properly prepare ourselves.

That’s marriage material.

The details of the Opening Ceremony have been kept relatively secret, with only a few details leaking out:

  • Apparently, there will be a strong Opera presence
  • There might or might not be people on stilts
  • The ceremony will focus heavily on Russian culture and history
  • As is tradition, the Official World Cup Song will be performed:

so my guess is that Will Smith will be in attendance as well as Nicky Jam, whoever that is, and that girl with the weird past tense name.

Editor’s Note: Apparently,  she is Albanian/Kosovar and got famous on YouTube via this song:

Don T Note: ¿¿Cómo es posible que no sabes quién es Nicky Jam?? ¡Es un Dios en el mundo del Reggaeton!:

Balls Note: I do apologize.  I really should have known Nicky Jam (really dig the song) and I’m shocked SHOCKED I tell you,  that I did not know of a blonde that wears skimpy clothing and dances suggestively. 

I am, however, hoping the Russian Mafia takes advantage to get some easy kidnapping/ransom money for Will Smith.

The Ceremony and the Opening Game between Russia and Saudi Arabia will take place in Moscow’s beautiful Luzhniki Stadium:

I hope they turn the sprinklers on during the ceremony…

Coverage is as follows (all times Pacific):

English Language in the US (Fox)

7:00 AM – FIFA World Cup Live – Pre-game Show

8:00 AM – Kickoff

10:00 AM to 10:30 AM – FIFA World Cup Today – Post-game Show

***

Spanish Language in the US (Telemundo)

5:00 AM – Opening Ceremony coverage

7:00 AM – Hoy en la Copa Mundial – Pre-game Show

8:00 AM – Kickoff

10:00 AM to 11:00 AM – Hoy en la Copa Mundial – Post-game Show

***

English Language in Canadia (TSN/CTV)

7:00 AM – Pre-game Show

8:00 AM – Kickoff

10:00 AM to 11:00 AM – Post-game Show

***

French Language in Le Canada (RDS)

5:30 AM – Direction: Russie

6:30 AM – Le Monde Du Sport Gillete

7:00 AM – En route vers la Coupe Du Monde 2018

7:30 AM – Avant-match

8:00 AM – Le Match

10:00 AM à 11:00 AM – Après-match

***

As you can see,  Fox coverage suuuuucks.  Add to that the fact that only two of the six Fox broadcast teams are in Russia.  The rest will broadcast games out of the Fox studios in West LA and let’s see if they can avoid traffic to get there on time.

The only thing they have going for them is Kate:

As far as Telemundo is concerned,  they are sending all their broadcast teams to Russia and are partnering up with Google and YouTube to provide over 1000 hours of additional online content on top of the games being live-streamed on the Telemundo app.

Yeah.

The French coverage in Canada,  for some weird reason, also seems to be superior to the English-language coverage.

My suggestion,  therefore,  is to pretend you are on vacation in a foreign land, wake up at a time different from normal,  and watch TV in a foreign language.

Add a beer or two and it’s the cheapest vacation ever.

Except you can also comment here!

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
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SonOfSpam

This’ll be Russia’s biggest win since the 2016 election.

Horatio Cornblower

This better be on the banner.

SonOfSpam

Kinda obvious tho

Horatio Cornblower

How many Fox viewers just started dialing 911 after seeing ‘Osama’ on that player’s shirt?

“I knew Obummer was lying!!!”

Horatio Cornblower

Just made myself a meatball grinder for lunch out of some leftovers. The dog was outside, on his line, with the back door closed.

I took the meatballs out of the fridge and set them down on the counter and he hit that door like it stole something.

SonOfSpam

LOL dogs are awesome

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My cat appears out of nowhere every time I open the refrigerator. Every time.

Horatio Cornblower

Is her appearance accompanied by a puff of smoke?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, just lots of meowing.

Wakezilla

17 for Saudi is a forward who hasn’t scored a goal in a year? He’s the Arabic Scott Gomez!

Wakezilla

The Russians are doing to the Saudi men what the Saudi men usually do to their slaves, er, hired help: Scoring at will with no regard to what the other wants.

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Oh sure, get some international attention and just forget all about us!”
-Riyadh Goat Union Local 666
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Horatio Cornblower

It’s a funny commercial you guys, because everyone in the back of your favorite McDonald’s is an illegal immigrant living in stark terror of being ripped from their homes and families! But they love lesser footy!*

*edited as per request

King Hippo

Lesser Footy is the preferred vernacular please, Dude.

Wakezilla

Dark skinned Families being torn apart by white folks for no reason?

And they say slavery is dead. SMH

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It dawned on me last night that most black Americans have ancestors that were here long before those of most white Americans. I’m as “REAL AMURRICAN” as you can get and mine only goes back 100 years, tops.

Wakezilla

Around 06, I worked with a guy who was African-American. I asked him where in Africa and he could’t tell me because as far as he could go back, his great-great grandfather was living in America. Really nice guy who was originally from Florida and shared some incredible hot sauces with me during our lunch breaks.

Wakezilla

On a related note, remember the 40 year old Virgin joke about black babies being born on probation?:

“CalGang, a database widely used in California, listed 42 infants under the age of 1 as active gang members.”

https://theintercept.com/2018/06/11/new-york-gang-database-expanded-by-70-percent-under-mayor-bill-de-blasio/

SonOfSpam

Also, because plenty of people gather to watch soccer at the local…McDonald’s?

Horatio Cornblower

Too good for you, Mr. Applebee’s?

SonOfSpam

Applebee’s? How white trash. I’m a Denny’s man.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh look, fellows, we’re in the presence of royalty!

SonOfSpam

/adjusts monocle
//scratches balls

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A Fox News viewer flipping through the channels now has internalized the notion that MS-13 is plotting gang activity in their local McDonalds.

SonOfSpam

That’s why we have to rip breastfeeding babies away from MS-13 tits.

King Hippo

If they die in the Mexican desert it’s just God’s will.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

13 tits sounds like what happens as a result of a RUNTIME.EXE error in a Saudi Arabian computer simulation of the afterlife.

SonOfSpam

So the afterlife is a Windows environment? Damn.

King Hippo

Go ask a local uniformed police officer and I bet you one imaginary dollar he hears of such a citizen report this week for reals.

SonOfSpam

Originally read this as “uninformed police officer” but really, what’s the difference?

Wakezilla

THIS JUAN PIZZI, I CALL MOHAMMAD BIN SALMAN BECAUSE THERE’S NO STRATEGY INVOLVED AND THE SAUDIS ARE CLEARLY LOSING TO AN INFERIOR OPPONENT.

Horatio Cornblower

How the fuck does Luis Suarez have a commercial for anything other than bite guards?

SonOfSpam

Are they for oddly-shaped dental dams?

Horatio Cornblower

No, Gatorade. Although I did originally have dental dams in the comment, but then I figured no women would let a buck-toothed piece of shit with a history of biting anything that gets close to his mouth anywhere close to her nether regions.

SonOfSpam

Yeah, that does seem like it would be unpleasant for the fair maiden.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or a swarthy maiden. Any maiden, really.

Horatio Cornblower

Iron Maiden?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Good point, probably not a concern for Margaret Thatcher.

Horatio Cornblower

The studio guy just described Saudia Arabia’s problem as “having no idea how to play with the ball”, which seems like it would be a pretty big issue in soccer.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The fact that they have given up two goals doesn’t speak so highly of their ability to play without it, either.

King Hippo

#1 was offside, but yeah they just shit their pants on the 2nd

Fronkenshteen

I actually got to see Saudi Arabia v Morocco at the old Giants’ Stadium in the ’94 World Cup. 1-1 draw, I think. I remember the Moroccan supporters were scattered all over in the upper decks, and the Saudis had a perfectly manicured cheering section, right on the 50 yard line, of course.

Horatio Cornblower

What has two thumbs and is waiting for a replacement windshield only to be called at the last minute and told that it showed up broken, sorry about that, hope you didn’t have any plans today!

THIS GUY!

Senor Weaselo

Good job Safelite, good effort.

SonOfSpam

SAFELITE RENEGE, SAFELITE RETREAT

Senor Weaselo

This is going to end for the Saudi Arabian team the same way as all the non-Scheherazade wives in 1001 Nights.

Wakezilla

Whomp there it is.

Something tells me Helga and ladies like her visited the Saudi team last night

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SonOfSpam

“Shows great patience in the box!”

What is something no one’s ever said about Rick Pitino?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

God damn, look out everybody SonOfSpam is fully awake.

SonOfSpam

You can’t prove that.

/mainlines 4th Diet Dr Pepper
//snorts crushed Oreos

SonOfSpam

Good finish, but all I’m really getting from this game is hoo-boy Saudi Arabia sucks.

Fronkenshteen

Their defenders are so little!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s actually good refereeing, playing advantage and then not falling for the obvious dive.

SonOfSpam

(referee’s Gatorade spiked with polonium)

Fronkenshteen

I wonder what your average friendly wager between a Russian oligarch and a Saudi oil magnate might look like? “We win, I get to raise the price of fuel oil for your country 5 cents a barrel, you win: 10 beheadings of your choice.”

SonOfSpam

“If I win, I get Lindsey Lohan for a week. If I lose, two weeks.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’m not only the spokeswoman for lawyers.com…I’m also a client.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Que mala fortuna…”

I got that!

Horatio Cornblower

“He’s got a 38-year old soccer brain as well…”

So, massive CTE from all those headers?

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

CTE? What’s that?

— NFL and NHL

King Hippo

weakness leaving the body!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I really like the economy of the Russian attack here, which appears to consist of paying off a single linesman.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

It’s a long tournament. Gotta spend the bribe money wisely

Senor Weaselo

The rest were just threatened!

SonOfSpam

I think the Saudi goalie’s name is “Oh My Oof”

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

What was the bet Putin has with the Saudi? Oil fields? Control of Syria?

Horatio Cornblower

72 comely virgins

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A blowjob from Jared Kushner.

SonOfSpam

He’ll be very popular in Rikers

Senor Weaselo

They’re in the process of closing Riker’s in the next few years. But they can just leave him there in that case.

SonOfSpam

Sorry, all I know is what I hear on Law and Order.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, if I knew it was this easy to score on Saudi Arabians within fifteen minutes I would have hit on more girls when I was in Riyadh.

Senor Weaselo

+71 virgins?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“The 71 Year-Old Virgin: A DFO Commenter Retrospective”

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL

SonOfSpam

Nice. So happy for Russia and Vlad and Trump.

King Hippo

OFFSIDE!

SonOfSpam

Not by the pass recipient(s).

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Damnit, I was hoping to use this Telemundo broadcast to practice my Spanish but I am now expecting the only word I’ll be able to understand is “Goal”.

King Hippo

which you may nae hear in this one

Horatio Cornblower

Oops

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

So who wins the battle of human rights violators?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think of it more of a battle between two countries whose entire economies are based around producing greenhouse gases.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve watched this game for all of one minute and I’m already aware of how bad Saudia Arabia is going to do in this tournament.

King Hippo

Nice thing about this match, no confusion as to which side is who.

SonOfSpam

“Huh?”

– my dogs

SonOfSpam

So did we all hold our nose and pick Russia in the pool? (go meteor)

King Hippo

FUCK NO! I even has moneys on a Saudi win and draw!

/ok, only $40 and $50 respectively, but still. Even I have standards. Minimal standards.

SonOfSpam

Good. I hope you make money. And donate it to the Trump’s charity (WHICH IS BEING SUED BY NY LOLOLOLOL)

King Hippo

Saudis did score in the 2nd half of last friendly v. Germany, only lost 2-1. So…maybe?

Horatio Cornblower

Huh. The FIFA War Room has a lot less unmarked bills in it than I would have thought.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s a rare day indeed when the head of FIFA can stand in the middle of a 3-man portrait and only win 3rd Most Corrupt In The Frame.

King Hippo

Total Football…and FUCK TOM BRADY!!!

Horatio Cornblower

This song just came on over my iPod, which I am blasting over the Opening Ceremony.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCkKG-069RE

It’s a good song. That is all.

King Hippo

get Hanta-AIDS and die, you weasel-ferret pig fucker

King Hippo

mute button engaged, only because I lack a teleporter and a really good butcher knife

Horatio Cornblower

Putin sighting! Everybody drink!

King Hippo

how do the Saudis have a black guy?

Horatio Cornblower

Lured him in on a tourism visa and then swiped his passport?

Or is that just how they build all their stadiums?

King Hippo

Inshallah!

Senor Weaselo

I know there was Anna Netrebko and Gergiev. And Gergiev’s toothpicks. Which could be a fantasy conducting league team name if there was such a thing. There is no such thing.

King Hippo

I know you’ve looked! 😀

Senor Weaselo

You kidding me? It’s 10:51 local time which means wake up and watch Price is Right!

Horatio Cornblower

I’m pretty sure the girl in the Coke commercial was just holding a highly poisonous frog in her hands.

“Coke. Because you’re going to be dead in ten minutes anyway.”

King Hippo

Russia is doing a great job satirizing itself.

Horatio Cornblower

This Opening Ceremony reminds me of the Olympics, assuming the Olympics had a Pimps & Hos Ball competition.

Senor Weaselo

Would that be a summer sport or a winter sport?

King Hippo

Welcome to the one day in history where Saudi Camelfucking Arabia are the good guys.

Don T

As Nicky Jam’s video shows, proper Puerto Rican serenades require more than a hundred subwoofers.
WORLD CUP BABY! Here’s the info for the DFO pool:

Link: https://www.pooltracker.com/join.asp?poolid=149105

Password: Balls

Don T

The winner gets this by mail, at no cost:
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LemonJello
LemonJello

No watching el futbol for me today, so I’ll be following along as I avoid work as much as possible.
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Fronkenshteen

This whole thing is on FOX?!?! That should go well. And I love that it kicks off w/ Russia v Saudi Arabia. WINNER GETS TO COMMIT THE MAJORITY OF U.S. ELECTION INTERFERENCE IN 2018!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[throws down clipboard] – Israeli soccer coach