It is 2:30 AM Pacific as this post goes up. Yes, I’m awake. Hawthorn and Adelaide are about to have the First Bounce and in about 30 minutes, France will face Australia in their World Cup debuts.
There will be three more games back to back to back.
Also this:
What can we expect? Here are some thoughts:
3:00 AM Pacific
FRANCE v AUSTRALIA
Balls: I, as you know, have a great love for all things Australian. I love their football, I love their meat pies and I loved their beautiful women with their sexy accents.
It is with great regret that I will wake up super early and, most likely, watch the French beat the crap out of them. I hope it doesn’t get ugly, but it might. Maybe at least Tim Cahill can score a goal?
Prédiction: La France Deux (2), L’Australie Un (1)
Wakezilla: I was in Melbourne, Australia for the Y2K New Years Eve Celebration. I was 17 and celebrated at a house party hosted by my Uncle’s younger brother, who was 19 at the time. I can confirm Balls’ assertion that Australian women are beautiful and have sexy accents. As an added bonus, many of them happen to find Canadian accents sexy, too! The theme of the party was “the end of the world” so we all hyped it up that Y2K was going to kill us all. It worked for me because I ended up making out with an inebriated 20 year old blonde Aussie. I never saw her after that, probably because my uncle’s brother made fun of her for committing statutory rape. So, I’ll be pulling for the Socceroos.
Prédiction: This is a weak Australian squad and les Frogs are a juggernaut ready to go on a long run in this tournament. The Socceroos are going to feel bleu when they lose 3-0.
Don T: This game is at 6 AM over here. So I slept on the couch and will have at least one eye open by kickoff.
Meh; better be honest. I stayed up all night watching this over and over:
❤️ #PORESP #WorldCup #CristianoRonaldo pic.twitter.com/fywgK6hwEy
— Insónias em Carvão (@insoniascarvao) June 15, 2018
France seems crazy stackt. They are the favorites to win the group and Australia is the World Cup’s perennial mascot. World futbol’s Leapin’ Lanny Poffo, if you will.
Via chinlock.com
Predicción: Frogs 2 : 0 Roos – four yellow cards
6:00 AM Pacific
ARGENTINA v ICELAND
Balls: Iceland proved in the last Euro that they are no slouches. It will be a difficult game for Argentina as the Icelandic defense will be tough to penetrate. Like many of Barcelona’s games, it will probably take some Messi genius to solve the puzzle and give the win to the Sudamericanos.
Ron Howard voice: He didn’t.
Predicción: Argentina 1 Islandia 1. Yeah, I said it.
Wakezila: Argentina is a team that many have picked to win the group, yet I’m not even sure they’ll make it to the round of 16. Their one saving grace is Messi. As we saw yesterday, having a generational player with the determination to carry his team to at least a draw is possible. Honestly, all I care about is Messi breaking Maradona’s goal total at the World Cup because Maradona is a scumbag and it’ll piss off lots of Argentinians who never accepted Messi. To do that, Messi will need to score 4 goals this tournament.
Iceland is an intriguing team because now that they are no longer the best kept secret in Europe, teams are better prepared to face them. They won’t be catching teams off guard this time. It’ll be interesting to see how they handle being a favorite on such a large stage.
Predicción: I see Messi or Aguero scoring early and then the Strákarnir okkar scoring late, resulting in an entertaining 1-1 draw.
Don T: Argentina’s warmup friendlies for Russia included two late cancellations against Nicaragua and Israel, after both governments started to murder their own civilians. More overtly, I mean.
Aside from those controversies, there are squad concerns. With Sergio Romero injured, Argentina’s goalie post is still contested between two players with almost no experience for country: Willy Caballero, 36, second string for Man City and Chelsea; and, Franco Armani, star for River Plate. I think it’ll be Willy for this one, and one mistake-free game will make him the definite starter (accurate reenactment):
I know it’s a repeat, but look at Higuaín! The cigar is a bit much, but his form is captured perfectly.
Iceland has been on the fútbol radar for several years now. It’s a remarkable story, with a scary logo. Iceland perfected the ways of the lovable eyesore teams: take advantage of throw-ins and free kicks, field a solid defense, and kick it far AF hoping that a forward scoops it up. And nobody expects them to win, so they will be relaxed to do their thing. Which adds up to
??? 0 – 0 ALERT ???
There’s a lot of pressure fos Argentina and the Messi – Ronaldo debate shifted dramatically yesterday. (Not Annoying Fact: This is a Jordan – Lebron feud between contemporaries.) And the rest of the group, Croatia and Nigeria, is tough. Messi is expected to be harassed. So Big Shot club players Sergio Agüero and Pipita Higuaín should shine for country. Yet,
Via giphy.com
Predicción: Argentina 2 : 1 Iceland. I think we’ll see Armani in this World Cup.
9:00 AM Pacific
PERU v DENMARK
Balls: Peru is one of my favourite teams in terms of likability. The story of how their captain was able to fight FIFA and win to get to play inspires me to go to a Peruvian restaurant and order some cocaine tea.
I’m hoping this results in a wonderful Saturday and a good result for the Peruvians.
Predicción: A nice and happy 1-1 tie.
Wakezilla: You know, I have actually tried cocaine tea before and I must admit, it was pretty bland. Little did I know I would have tested positive for cocaine had I taken a drug test. Weird! Speaking of drugs, I must have been on something when I predicted Peru was going to the quarterfinals in my Peru preview.
Peru’s defense is going to have their hands full guarding Denmark’s significantly taller forwards. If they can do that, they should get the win.
Predicción:Being inspired by their captain returning from suspension, I’ll say Peru wins 2-1.
Don T: I’ve watched Denmark in World Cups and Euros. They’re unremarkably competent, the lettuce in a salad.
Perú, however, is ?HAWT?. They had one of the worst starts in the qualifiers (4 points out of seven games). Then Perú got something sweeter than a lucky break: doing NOTHING and benefitting from a technicality.
In South American qualifiers, Bolivia fielded a banned player for games against Chile and Perú. Chile filed a claim, won, and both teams were awarded 3 points. However, since Perú lost to Bolivia and Chile had tied, Perú got the net additional point that ended up eliminating Chile. And that’s how Perú got to a World Cup for the first time in 36 years. Give it up for bureaucracy.
More importantly, Perú started winning: Right now, there’s a fever. A guy gained 60 pounds “so that he could apply for one of the special [easy-access extra-width] seats that are much easier to get”. Over 40,000 Peruvians have flown to Russia. There are no Perú shirts left on stores. Lok at these clean, lovely kits:
Via umbro dot com
None left in FIFA stores, mind you. I’m gonna guess Russians are still proud contrabandists.
Predicción: Perú 1 : 0 Denmark. Perú’s got Team of Destiny stank.
12:00 Pacific
CROATIA v NIGERIA
Balls: I may need the cocaine tea if I’m gonna make it to Game 4. The Nigerian team has the most popular jersey in this World Cup and, judging by the number of stickers we have in the Panini album at work, the most popular stickers.
I do think Croatia is a very strong team and Nigeria is Africa-strong. That’s not raycess, just a commentary on the level of competition.
Prediction: Croatia wins 2-1.
Wakezilla: No matter how bad things get for them, Nigeria is going to look great in their beautiful green jerseys. That’s a win in itself, right?
Meanwhile, Croatia is a surprisingly stacked team. This is it for Croatia’s Golden generation. They should be able to build on their Euro 2016 success.
Proricanje: Croatia wins 2-1.
Don T: There’s always some “prove it” teams in every World Cup. Croatia’s got buzz, but finished second to Iceland in the European qualifiers. Nigeria is a frequent World Cup entrant with promise, but never goes beyond group play. They seem to play Argentina a lot, too. So I’m gonna withhold judgment on both teams and let their play determine my attitude. That’s an honest approach. Better yet, it requires zero legwork.
Predicción: Croatia 1 : 1 Nigeria. I think this group will be tough.
A viking goal would be delicious.
Siggy missing the net in the 45th minute cost me $750 Ameriquid. As we Blues are fond of saying…Everton, that.
Go Iceland
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlPtmws131o
Folks
Mornin.
The Icelandic players don’t know the meaning of the word ‘quit’ or ‘counter-attack’, come to think of it.
if’n you had 2 spell words liek they does u wud be missing a few as well imo godbless
Just waiting for that Argie dive and them to be be awarded a penalty.
oh, they’re certainly TRYING
Ref shoulda gotten a yellow card on that play…
Bitchy Messi is the bestest Messi.
/incoming dad joke
Iceland needs to play a more Norse and South style of football.
/I’ve got a million of ’em
Enjoy thinking about Team England having PTSD just watching this.
I heard that soccer is really popular in Iceland cause it gives people the opportunity to score without having to break out the 23-and-me results.
THIS TEAM FROM ICELAND I CALL THEM DIRK DIGGLER CAUSE THEY ARE MORE ERUPTIVE THAN A VOLCANO ON A BAD DAY.
Oh shit…no one told Iceland they were suppose to roll over…
Ban-anac-akes?
please be right, sson!
There was no stopping that missile.
Yes “El Torneo Del Diablo” continues unabated (except for Ronaldo’s brief respite, and even that was just a draw so did no lasting chaos/damage).
With the vikings defense this could have a tWbs scoreline.
Messi 86′
especially if 1-0 VwtC, and that goal comes in the first half
These teams are galloping up and down the field like llamas on the Pampas.
Ooh I enjoy their signature hit Catamarca Dreamin’.
FUN FACT! I went to bed at 6p yesterday (a nap that turned into MOAR), still barely woke up in time for match numero dos.
Hopefully this means death is imminent.
This game has been entertaining so far.
motherfukker! You want it on an (ice cold) silver platter or sommet?
Preferably with some fermented sea creature.
He really bjorked that one.
Vikings all over them
Listened to a Doug Stanhope album last night. Got to be the most fearless comedian performing today.
he is truly delightful, a sick mind that I nod to in RESPEK
found a funny:
Rat tails are just a haircut you give kids to let strangers know their dad has a gun
chuh chuh!
Nice of the announcer to leave out “fucked each other’s sisters” in the list of things Team Vikings With Teh Clap all grew up doing together.
Iceland will win, because Siggy WOO! and I am still bitter about Uruguay.
I read that as biter, was still ok with that.
I don’t know why you’d let a bunch of taunts from the jerks in middle school affect your rooting preferences, but you do you.
I mean, the state of my fashion should have always made that clear nuh uh ,, smh
Thought you bet Uru?
Bet DOUBLE on the first half, though. Match just cut my losses.
Good morning everybody! I couldn’t sleep well, so I came downstairs early (too late for the end of the game, unfortunately) and made myself a cup of tea. Then I was treated to a standard montage of the dog and cat battling each other for my attention and wanting to be fed.
These are just a few more of the simple things that Paul Manafort WILL PROBABLY NEVER GET TO DO AGAIN FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
Nevermind anymore mall cop reboots.
Not good enough. He needs to be in federal PTITA prison.
Had hippo been awake I believe that he would have put money on France after the aussies equalized.
Wouldn’t it be nice if that was good enough for a bookie?
That game would have fucked me, no way could I have resisted betting the first half. This torneo is el diablo.
The Icelandic team is filled with sson’s of bitches.
TSN > FOX coverage.
It’s Telemundo for me!
Si senor!
8:00 A.M. Northern Virginia time. I wonder what Paul Manafort is doing right now?
[Manafort being trained at his new job]
“Clothes can be laundered? Oh, I get it. The money is in the pockets, right?”
Banner
Hey, I got the scoreline right!
Well done, predictaballs!
Really looking forward to Messi v Vikings
How’re does Michael Avenatti find the time to appear on all the cable news shows, represent Stormy Daniels AND play for team Australia? THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE!
Buncha Lucky Pierre’s, France is.
What a pass by Giroud!
Such a cock but on a good day he is world class
Well you want me to take care of Decilitre all weekend? Who am I to surpress his pot lid cymbals at 5 am? HE IS BEING CREATIVE.
I hate the sub out slow walk.
Manbun replacing crewcut.
Meanwhile, Hawthorn 71 Adelaide 23 at Three Quarter Time. Yeah.
This does seem karmically fair. Yay the Roos!
I am awake. Near to no sleep. I think that grandma who put her grand children in dog kennels was on to something
You have two? Or one? I’m sorry I can’t remember.
I have 1, he is 1. My balls are getting lazered in 2 weeks.
I’m not sure I like this penalty call. I mean, it’s probably right, but I was fine letting it go…
Where do the kids that accompany the players go after the anthems are played? Are they shipped off to the bot mines?
I think the Aussies at halftime are pretty happy at how the game is unfolding. Also, LOVE how France’s #21 is being relentlessly booed for being a pussy.
? MOOOOOOOR-NIIIIIIIING!!!!!?
WAKEY-WAKEY!! EGGS AND BAKEY!!!
DROP YOUR COCKS AND GRAB YOUR SOCKS!!
/ is pummeled by waves of empty liquor bottles and high heeled shoes
[opens one eye]
“There’s always one at every party.”
I set my alarm to play La Marseillaise (because I am a loser) and Murdercat immediately jumped on my head to let her out, where I found Young Fronkenshteen already awake. I’m gonna be in bed by 7:00.
I would never waste my high heels by throwing them.
The zamboni will only have to do Australia’s side of the rink at half time.
Hawks by 4 at Half Time.
So, this is really interesting. I’m watching the AFL on the phone and the France- Australia game on TV and I swear to you that Australia is playing fútbol like they play footy.
Also, it’s fucking BRIGHT in Russia…
Hawthorn 17. Adelaide 8 after Q1