[EXT. – NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS TRAINING CAMP.]
[The sun is shining over Gillette Stadium. No clouds are in the sky, and the stadium is beautiful.]
[CUT to INT. – A dark, candlelit dungeon. A tall, hooded figure sits alone at a rough-hewn wooden table, with stacks of ancient, leather-bound volumes piled high. The hooded figure, flipping through the books, is visibly growing impatient and frustrated as we hear a knock at the door.]
HOODED FIGURE: Enter.
[A SECOND HOODED FIGURE enters, but stands right by the door frame. He waits to be addressed.]
HOODED FIGURE: What do you want now?
SECOND HOODED FIGURE: [Grumbling] Cut the shit, Tom. We need to move past this.
[The seated figure throws back his hood, revealing himself to be TOM BRADY. He remains visibly frustrated.]
BRADY: We are currently in this situation because of a variety of circumstances, but I can ASSURE you… that I would have had things under control… If you had not insisted on sending him away. He is not the enemy. The true enemy remains out there. Waiting. Lurking around every corner. And they are gaining strength. And due to your stubbornness and pride, my powers are diminishing. I cannot do this myself anymore. No storm clouds. No fog. No sowing fear. If he returned… It would change everything.
[The SECOND HOODED FIGURE throws off his hood, revealing himself to be HEAD COACH BILL BELICHICK.]
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] That’s crap, Tom. All crap. You know your time’s coming. Stop it.
BRADY: [Aggressively] I KNOW. But I need MORE TIME. I tried a lot of things this training camp. We made a lot of sacrifices in order to try and get the recipe right for the fountain of youth. Jordan Matthews’ hamstring. Isaiah Wynn’s ACL. Sony Michel’s knee. Eric Decker’s work ethic. Julian Edelman getting framed for fetching the necessary ingredients for the concoction. We are SO CLOSE, Coach. But I cannot do it without him.
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] No, Tom. It’s too much. For all of us. You’re going about things the hard way. All these spells and potions and bullshit? It’s so much work. Yeah, we’ve gotten results out of it, but we need to modernize. I’ve been working on something. Hear me out.
BRADY: [Skeptical] Enlighten me, Coach.
[BELICHICK walks over to the wall of the dungeon, and pulls on one of the ancient tomes.
[The wall suddenly slides aside, revealing a gigantic command center, full of monitors and clacking keyboards.]
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] This is what I’m talking about, Tom. I’ve spent years putting this together, waiting until the right time to reveal it. And I think it’s now.
BRADY: And what, pray tell, will this do in order to ensure success this season and beyond for our football club?
BELICHICK: [With a slight smirk] Check this shit out.
[BELICHICK walks over to a keyboard, and taps a key.]
[CUT to EXT. – a giant thunderbolt cracking out of the sky. Out of nowhere, BRANDIN COOKS tumbles in a heap out onto a dirty, muddy construction site in Inglewood].
COOKS: [Visibly frightened] Mama…? Is it… happening again? I don’t want to be afraid anymore…
[The clouds part and a light shines down upon him. Out of nowhere, SEAN MCVAY and JARED GOFF appear.]
MCVAY: [Smiling serenely] It’s okay, Brandin. It’s all over. No one will hurt you anymore. You’re safe now.
COOKS: [Crying tears of happiness]
[CUT to INT. – COMMAND CENTER]
BRADY: I see. Intriguing.
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] Pretty slick stuff. It’s been a lot of work. People are getting suspicious, Tom. It’s why we had to do so much this offseason. We needed distractions. All part of my whole plan. We’re calling it #QBAnon.
BRADY: I thought that was… something else.
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] That’s what’s so great about it. As far as the world knows, it’s just some bullshit pointless political conspiracy theory crap that was started by some guy living in his mother’s basement.
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] What nobody knows is that this is what is going to buy us time and make sure we keep winning. So let’s cut the shit, Tom. I need you, and you need me. Fog and lightning and fear are great, but let’s focus ourselves on the real problem here and let the computer do the work while the rest of the world is distracted by #QBAnon.
BRADY: I need him.
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] No you don’t. You can do this. You have power. I’ve seen it.
BRADY: Please.
BELICHICK: [Angrily] For FUCK’S SAKE, Tom! Look around you! Look outside! Do you want things to stay like this forever? It’s fucking horrible! We can’t survive like this!
[CUT to EXT.]
[CUT back to INT. – COMMAND CENTER]
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] This could be our last chance, Tom. Let’s do this while we still can.
BRADY: Very well.
[BELICHICK walks over to the terminal, and clicks a few keys.]
runas/profile/user:darthvader "C:\programs\QBAnon.exe"
ARE YOU SURE? Y/N
Y
ENTER ADMINISTRATOR PASSWORD:
milfhunter69
INITIATING SEQUENCE...
[All the screens brighten to full intensity as various subprocesses begin to run. Outside, storm clouds and fog finally roll in over the town of Foxborough. BRADY and BELICHICK watch the action unfold across the collection of gigantic monitors at the front of the room.]
[On one screen, we see the Weather Channel, as storm clouds gather and lightning flashes across various locales throughout the United States; Atlanta, Cincinnati, San Francisco, and elsewhere.]
[On another, we see a bunch of ESPN talking heads.]
RAY LEWIS: Well, you know, I mean, the Patriots, it’s hard to say… Tom Brady’s another year older, and there’s been a ton of roster turnover… Not to mention all the controversy with Josh McDaniels, which could possibly affect things moving forward…
MATT HASSELBECK: But, it’s still Tom Brady! He’s the best quarterback of all time! I don’t know how you can say, after seventeen seasons of the Brady-Belichick era, like they’re not going to be Super Bowl contenders once again this season.
STEVE YOUNG: See, that’s the thing; for everyone, it’s about the Super Bowl this season, but if we’re really being honest here, what’s the plan for New England once Brady finally DOES decide to retire? I mean, this is a strange situation; back when I was with the 49ers and they had just traded away Joe Montana, the team was confident they had someone who could fill that role properly. But here, down the road, what’s the plan? I don’t see that here, and I think that some fans are, for the first time, a little bit anxious about the future, if not the present.
SAM PONDER: Great points, guys. We’ll be right back after this commercial break…
[On another monitor, we see CNN talking heads having a discussion about the latest fringe right-wing group making their presence known across the country.]
ANDERSON COOPER: [To TV audience] And with the #QAnon crowd continuing to make their presence felt at Republican events across America, it’s time to ask ourselves the real question: Why are these people upset? What do they believe in? The answer, as it currently stands, is fairly unclear: there’s a belief that there’s a massive conspiracy theory afoot involving major government officials, accusing them of such nefarious crimes as human trafficking, pedophilia, child abuse, and more, on an international scale. While these people point to such websites as 4chan and Reddit as the source for the information confirming their beliefs, we haven’t been able to substantiate a single one of their claims, despite their strongly-held, vehement opinions. While the Trump administration has denied any affiliation with the group and has actually denounced their actions, unlike with other fringe groups previously, it’s still arguable that they’ve provided a fantastic distraction to the general public as the president and top officials continue to deal with the scandals that have plagued them since the 2016 presidential election. If someone, somewhere, is using #QAnon as a distraction… What are they trying to distract us from?
[On another monitor, we see JULIAN EDELMAN enter ALEX GUERRERO’s TB12 Sports Medicine clinic, looking frantically for the personal trainer.]
EDELMAN: Yo, Alex! ALEX! Where are you?
GUERRERO: Julian, I need you to calm down…
[EDELMAN cold-cocks GUERRERO in the jaw, who falls to the floor, surprised and in pain]
EDELMAN: YOU SAID THAT SHIT WASN’T TRACEABLE! What the FUCK, man?
GUERRERO: I never said that! I just said I was trying to help you sneak past the testers…
EDELMAN: Whatever, man. I’m done with this. Coach says you’re banned from treating anyone else. And that he’s shut off your key fob to the locker room. And that you’ll stay away, if you know what’s best for you…
[CUT to INT. – COMMAND CENTER. BRADY has a single tear running down his cheek.]
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] Cut that shit out. The man’s a con artist. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.
BRADY: [Sniffling] But it was my understanding that fish were actually acidic in nature and thus not permitted in my diet…
BELICHICK: [Angrily] And speak using fucking contractions. You’re not doing magic 24/7. Loosen the hell up.
BRADY: I needed Alex to help me reach my full magical potential…
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] For what? Thunder and lightning? That’s nothing. The computer’s doing that now. All showy horseshit. You REALLY want to make this work? You know we need a successor for you once you retire. You know how goddamn hard that is. Not something I can do by myself, or anyone else, for that matter. I got everything geared up this year to help put a winning formula in place.
BRADY: The spy networks?
[CUT to EXT. – Josh McDaniels running out of Lucas Oil Stadium in full flight, holding a barrel of Indiana lard]
[CUT to INT. – COMMAND CENTER]
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] Yup.
BRADY: Media spin?
[CUT to INT. – SCOTT VAN PELT, at his SportsCenter desk]
SVP: And with Malcolm Butler and Dion Lewis both having signed with the Tennessee Titans in the offseason after they came up just short in Super Bowl 52 with New England, there still hasn’t been any word from either Butler or from Patriots head coach Bill Belichick about the reasoning behind his benching in last season’s championship. Butler has said simply that “I’m on fire — I can tell you that. But I’m past that. I’m a Tennessee Titan, and I’m just ready to ball for the Titans.”
[CUT to INT. – COMMAND CENTER]
BRADY: An improved defence?
[ADRIAN CLAYBORN, DANNY SHELTON and JASON MCCOURTY all appear at BELICHICK’s side]
BELICHICK: Yup.
BRADY: Very well, then. Looks like we’re on track.
BELICHICK: It’s all you from here on out.
[BRADY makes his way back to the dungeon where we first encountered him. There is a pentagram on the floor, with a cauldron placed directly in the center of the star.]
[BRADY takes a knife, slicing the palm of his throwing hand, letting the blood drip down into the cauldron. It bubbles and hisses, and then falls silent once more.]
BRADY: [Whispering softly to himself] In Your unholy name, I offer myself to You as the final piece of Your chaotic natural order. As we sow seeds of discord and deceit throughout Your sport, I call upon You to deliver us Victory, or, at the very least, eternal seasons of 12-4 or better and another first-round playoff bye. I call upon You to bestow my powers, upon my retirement, to my future successor, whoever he may be; in Your omnipotent wisdom, please divine to us who he may be. May the rest of the world be too distracted to see our master plan unfold in its full fruition. Hail BLEERGH.
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
[ROB GRONKOWSKI shuffles in, looking morose]
GRONK: Hey, uh… My Lord…
BRADY: It’s fine, Gronk. You can drop all that stuff, now. We gotta cool it with all that for a while.
GRONK: Oh, uh… okay, my Lo… Tom. No problem. Say, uh… bro… have you seen my crabs?
BRADY: Nope.
GRONK: Shit. K. I thought they’d be back by now.
BRADY: What happened?
GRONK: Had to take ’em to the vet. Think they got gonorrhoea. Damn.
BRADY: I… didn’t need to know that. Hey – while you’re here – can you do me a favor?
GRONK: Aw, please don’t make me do what Edelman did…
BRADY: No, no, not that. I need you to go find someone. I don’t know who.
[BELICHICK re-enters the dungeon]
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] I do.
GRONK: Who, coach?
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] Just got a message from Matt.
BRADY: I thought he was busy with the Lions…
GRONK: What’d he say?
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] Says he’d been digging around on 4chan during the offseason, and managed to track down the guy who believed every word of it and drove the van to the Hoover Dam to block traffic. Apparently he’s actually coming to us. That’s our guy.
BRADY: BLEERGH works in mysterious ways…
[Two hooded figures escort a familiar face into the room…]
TAWMMY: [Aggressively] WHAT THE FACKIN’ FACK WERE-AH YOU FACKS TRYNNA PULL IN THE SUPAH BOWL, HUH??? WE HAVE NEVAH HAD SUCH A DEVASTATIN’ LAWSS AS THAT ONE!!! NOT EVEN BILL BUCKNAH WAS AS FACKIN’ AWFUL AS THAT!!! [Spits dip]
BRADY: [Quietly] You’re right. And we’re sorry. We’ve done a lot of soul-searching the last little while. And we’re trying to make things right.
TAWMMY: YOU SOUND JUST LIKE THEM WHINY DUMBOCRATS WHO KEEP FACKIN’ LETTIN’ ALL THOSE MONSTAHS TOUCH ALL THOSE KIDS – THOSE HAHTLESS FACKS!
GRONK: [Whispering to self] Damn, this guy’s an idiot. And this is me saying that.
BELICHICK: [To TAWMMY, grumbling] We’d like to help you bring these people to justice. We’re Patriots, after all.
BRADY: It’s easy. All you have to do to have a sip of this [gestures to cauldron] and you’ll be granted some extrajudicial powers. It’s reverse spirit cooking. You’ve heard of that, right?
TAWMMY: FACK THAT. I ALWAYS END UP SPEWIN’ EVERY FACKIN’ TIME YOU BRING ME IN HE-AH.
GRONK: Bro, I’ll hook you up if you it, bro. It’s chill, bro. You want percs, bro? I got a guy, bro. Just a small bit, bro.
TAWMMY: FACKIN’ OXIES AND A CASE OF SAM ADAMS OR I AIN’T DOIN’ IT.
BRADY: Done! Simple. Bring it in, gentlem… guys. Go ahead.
[A gaggle of tiny backup slot receivers, dressed in black hoods, enter through the door, lugging with a giant treasure chest filled with pills and booze.]
TAWMMY: FACK. FINE. LET’S GET THIS OVAH WITH.
[TAWMMY takes a goblet from BRADY, and takes a swig of the eerie green liquid.]
TAWMMY: OH… I DON’T FEEL SO… ACTUALLY, FACK THAT. I FEEL PRETTY FACKIN’ GOOD. THE FACK’S IN THIS ONE? I’D HAVE SOME MOAH.
[He starts greedily gulping down more, kneeling down to the entire cauldron]
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] Congratulations.
TAWMMY: FOAH WHAT? WE AIN’T EVEN GOTTEN STAHTED YET.
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] We’ve just bestowed upon you some supernatural abilities. Your athletic abilities and intellect are now heightened to new levels. We’re going to be sending you off to college. You’ve got a full ride to some podunk FCS school where you’ll put up a million yards and still somehow not get enough recognition on draft boards – and then you’re ours.
TAWMMY: YOU MEAN I’M STRONGAH? AND I’M SMAHHTAH? FACK! I COULDN’T EVEN GET INTO FACKIN’ UMASS BEFOAH!
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] You’re going to learn the real secrets of the world, Tawmmy. And when your time comes… we’ll be waiting. Good luck.
[GRONK notices something in the corner of the room, and, distracted by this, rushes over and bends down.]
GRONK: Hey, it’s Eddy, Teddy and Freddy! GUYS! My crabs are back from the vet! This is great!
[Smiling, he reaches his hand down his pants, bringing his friends home once more.]
GRONK: The GRONKSTER is BACK, BABY! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[GRONK sees TAWMMY bent over at the cauldron, drinking the potion]
GRONK: SACK TAP!
[GRONK gives TAWMMY a hard nut shot from behind; TAWMMY doubles over in pain and surprise, vomiting in agony]
TAWMMY: BLLLLEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL: HAIL BLEERGH!
BELICHICK: [Grumbling] Welcome to the organization, Tawmmy. We’ve been waiting for you. The rest of the world… remains distracted, it seems.
[He begins to laugh maniacally, joined by BRADY and GRONK. CUT to EXT. – storm clouds and fog begin to roll in to Foxborough as the crack of thunder is heard off in the distance.]
[FADE OUT]
[…] SULLY: They nevah should have sent you to fackin’ college. […]
This was quite the journey. Thank you for allowing us to go along!
Also, fuck the Patriots now and forever.
But great job!
This was wonderful, but there’s no way that McDaniels makes it very far with that lard. As soon as every Indy denizen catches a whiff of it, they’ll be knocking down fences, rolling down the street and getting stuck in doorways all trying to get their hands on it. Sure, they’re not very fast, but it’s a numbers game here people.
LAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDDD!!!!
Seriously? Not even close.
seriously though, great right up
sees 60 comments, thinks theres some kind of drama in the the thread
Sees that 75% of the posts are gifs posted by moose and discussions about drugs
Sounds about right for this site
What do you mean by “Sounds about right for you peop…….. this site.”???
FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
You’re a monster.
I hate David Tyree enough that he should’ve been offered a cabinet position in this current administration.
Off topic; but the photog fight is still amusing.
Also this post was RIGHT ON TARGET.
Let me digress and relive my “glory days.”
http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/1510185/vonsackdance.gif
http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8070/8200827096_710c5a40af_o.gif
still an illegal tackle under the new rules
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WFbF41L246g/UpKs2APO3NI/AAAAAAAAD6k/Lq1f8qEJLDk/s400/vonsack.gif
Lead….. with the helmet.
I wish the Cowboys were this evil. If I tried to write this it’d be Dak Newton lobbing the magic potion to Terrance Williams, who, with a clear path to the sacrificial altar, dropped it all over himself while JJ stood in the corner getting a handie from a mutated elf.
YEEEEHAWWWWWWW, MAESTRO’S TEAM IS FUCKING DIABOLICAL!!!!
-and, unfortunately, also competent.
Nice work. I give it two crab claws up and a +69.
YEEEEEEHAWWWWWW!!!!!
I hate JJ and a majority of the ‘MUIKA’S TEAM fans, but really don’t have a problem with the team itself with the exception of the several fellows who feel it is quite alright to beat women.
With NE I think it is all that and most of the team and coaching staff, but especially Tawmy.
oxys are the gold standard ,, ppl forget that
/cept FOAR Dilaudid, but that’s more like Nirvana and good like finding either
Don’t sleep on Methadone.
Actually, sleeping on Methadone is very possible and scary as shit.
Weird dreams. I once thought I was FBI Agent Dana Scully.
(dead ex had it for pain…I sampled a little bit, yes)
dead ppl are GREAT sources!
Dude, you have no idea. Or maybe you do, I can’t remember if I’ve told you this before.
But when she had her….brain thing…. I handed a huge bag of opiates to the doctors.
They actually fucking gave it back to me the next day.
That was an interesting month.
When my Grandfather was dying, the hospice people gave my Grandmother a big supply of liquid morphine and told her, that no one would check on how much was used.
They basically told her to feel free to euthanize him, or to keep as much as she wanted for herself after he was dead.
My Dad died here at home in hospice care. There was liquid morphine at the ready.
That’s all I’ll say.
I had a severe injury and was on a cocktail of morphine, codine, and demerol for a week. I have no idea how I’m not addicted to any of them. I have no recollection of that week at all.
I have read that when your body is in severe pain, you CAN’T get addicted. It’s only when you linger too long for recreational purposes. Also generally why they step you down, etc.
Well, something must have happened in the inventory process, no need to adjust your records.
they made us pour my dad’s liquid morphine down the toilet and return the empty bottle to Hospice.
You will be surprised to learn that I actually complied with these instructions, as I was Dad’s primary morphine person. I really was curious, but he wouldn’t have wanted me to, so I didn’t.
Not that I judge anyone, I affirmatively approve of caregiver sampling and I think it was WASTEFUL what I did, I just got overcome by weird paternal juju.
And frankly, I would have done anything to empty the bottle into the poor man’s mouth, but he was very clear as to wanting a natural death and as long as I could give him enough to ensure no pain, that is what I did. Wasn’t about what I wanted or would want.
When I took a 5-minute piss break, I came back in to see my VERY CATHOLIC (Shiite Catholic, as Jim Gaffigan says) aunt trying to force water into him, as Hospice clearly said he didn’t need and would only prolong/induce suffering. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to knocking someone the fuck out, and I’ve avoided that side of the family ever since (going on 10 years now).
My Dad was against artificial food and hydration, we discussed this specifically.
Sorry you had to go through that. My dad lived for several months after a debilitating stroke, so I hear ya.
That said I want to take this phrase out of context:
pancreatic cancer here, was a blessing at the very end my mom got a stomach thing and had to be upstairs for most of the time he was basically uncommunicative (which was mercifully only like 60-72 hours).
Hee hee, I liked the out of context
I never stole my Dad’s morphine, fwiw. That wasn’t what I meant.
He might have gotten a tad bit more than the suggested dosage, however. Mercy and compassion is sometimes not completely legal.
Dilaudid is such good shit that it made me forget I needed to get my appendix out ASAP. Couldn’t poop properly for a week afterwards, though. Ah well. Tradeoffs!
I love it. Thanks man!
Speaking of distractions, found this song which is helping me mellow out my Wed. morning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsCgrrrPHF0
This put a smile on my face. Even in spite of the fact that I really like Maestro and thus don’t want him to be a P*ts fan.
(Seriously, very well done)
TAWMMY gets me every damn time. Mainly because I know 2 people that could easily fill that role.
Only two?
Lucky bastard.
I purposely avoid Quincy and Southie if I can.
TAWMMY coming in and puking is like Charlie Brown with Lucy’s football and I love it every damned time.
Also, this was outstanding work. May a torrent of injuries and unreasonable applications of this year’s new rules sent Brady and Belichick out with a whimper.
milfhunter69 was pure genius.
Literally, it will be this simple to buy off these clowns when they decide it is time to oust the tea party reps for being too liberal and only covering up sexual abuse allegations, rather than committing them firsthand.