Your “How Many Seasons Are Over Already?” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • A hilarious week for new NFL coaches ends with them racking up a 0-7 record, the first time that has happened.
    • It’s also the worst since new hires went 0-6 in 2001.
      • Those coaches? Gregg Williams (Buffalo Bills), Butch Davis (Cleveland Browns), Dick Vermeil (Kansas City Chiefs), Herm Edwards (New York Jets), Marty Mornhinweg (Detroit Lions) and Marty Schottenheimer (Washington [*Redacted] s).
  • Apologizing for making the Browns kiss their sister, NFL Head of Officiating Al Riveron admitted Myles Garrett shouldn’t have been flagged for roughing the passer.
    • It was the only incorrect roughing penalty the NFL acknowledged from the weekend.
  • The Jets apparently knew the Lions signals.
    • “That’s called studying. That’s called studying,” new corner Trumaine Johnson said.
      • He attributed the knowledge from studying game tape, and recognizing that little had changed between seasons.
        • From up New England way, a cranky voice in the wind uttered “grumble grumble“.
    • It’s the second time since 2015 that the Lions have been accused of tipping their plays.
      • It speaks to either:
        • the unoriginality of Lions OCs; or
        • Matt Stafford can only ‘member five or six play calls.

I’m going to add even more self-promotion to my run of crap I’ve fed into the site so far this week and, in light of the Raiders bedshitting last night,  take this opportunity to remind you all of the serialized tome I presented over the summer.

World War G – a pre-apocalyptic perspective on what happens when a TV analyst returns to the swamp that sired him, and the bowl-cutted dingus who even contemplated the idea for longer than it was worth. Eight gripping chapters of the most frightening look inside the Oakland Raiders since Al Davis’ estate lawyers valued it for state inheritance tax purposes. Cover courtesy my warped mind & Low Commander’s photoshop skills.

It’ll likely be fact by the end of the season.

For all the new Commentists, this is the kind of stuff people do in the off-season. Read a book or watch a movie or miniseries; adapt the scenario to fit your DFO narrative; and put it on the site for all to see. One of the longest, most successful serials ever run on the site was Hard Ride To Nowhere by Beastmode Ate My Baby. Of course, a criminally underappreciated serial was Serial by Blaxabbath. However, given the fact that the individual memorialized in Blax’s Serial now gets commotion cérébrale for the Montreal Alouettes, the less said about him the better.

It’s a long way of getting to the point: if you have any good ideas, let us know & I’m sure we can find space for them. We always appreciate new voices willing to feed the #content machine.


Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • Jays at Red Sox – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Brewers at Cubs – 8:00PM | MLBN
    • Padres at Mariners – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
  •  Futbol:
    • International Friendly: U.S. vs. Mexico – 9:00PM | ESPN / UNI
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown Live! – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • the “go-home” show before Hell In A Cell

Sports programming:

  • Comeback Season: Sports After 9/11
    • 7:00PM | ESPN
    • 8:30PM | TSN3

Sports-less nights like these make me grateful football is back. ONE MONTH TO HOCKEY SEASON!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Spur
Senor Weaselo
entropy

I swear I thought that was a joke the first time I ever saw it mentioned in a “Bloom County” comic.

Spur
Spur
herodotus450

Technically it’s from A country
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbNlMtqrYS0

entropy

You’re an evil man.

ballsofsteelandfury

Holy shit you’re alive!

entropy

Rumors of my demise, greatly exaggerated, misquote, misquote, dick joke, smarmy emotional response. How’s it going?

ballsofsteelandfury

Good man. Glad to see you around these parts!

entropy

I’m working my way back; things will be light for a bit, then we can all get back to hoping I go away again. It’ll be just like old times!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Imma be be pissed at you for a while. Mostly because I love you and I thought you were dead and I don’t appreciate that shit you asshole.

entropy

Check your email, Seamus. All is revealed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, I see it.
I can’t not love you, you damned asshead.

Spur
entropy

Not country. Still good:

https://youtu.be/HnQ89jZvZD0

Brick Meathook

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Spur
theeWeeBabySeamus

One of my favorites, even if I did almost run out of gas between Amarillo and New Mexico.

King Hippo

Balls, will Mexico eventually start caring and whip the Ugly Americans? HAIL GAMBLOR!

ballsofsteelandfury

Noap. This has 0-0 written all over it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Unless there is a red card.

Spur

Spur has spread his seed knowing how to two step. i recommend to any drought DFO males to learn how to 2 step
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoIKv3xxuMA

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s not good cuntry. He’s from fucking Australia.

Spur

It’s dusty and Inbreed.

King Hippo

Some things are worse than celibacy ,, ppl forget that

Senor Weaselo

I have attempted to learn Baroque dancing (for a class), swing dancing (well, I went for someone’s birthday thinking that was my last thing I needed to do), and bachata (cellist has tried to teach me with acceptable enough results, like naturally having rhythm).

Swing dancing is dumb, as it’s 6-count, but the music’s in 4.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I noes you assholes can’t get good cuntry music into yo’ brains. But there is some good cuntry, so suck it….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

Spur

Is Tuesday DFO country night? Asking for a Friend.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Today it is. Gird yourself.

entropy

There is no such animal as good country.

Also, I’m back.

theeWeeBabySeamus

HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU ASSHOLE I GOT A BIG BONE TO PICK WITH YOU EVEN IF I AM OVERJOYED TO SEE YOU.

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!

entropy

Dude, trust me: it’s a tale. I’ll get with you by other media.

Posting will be light as I get shit back into what passes for shape for me, but it is good to see you degenerates again.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dude, I’m just happy you’re alive. Reach out when you can and/or want to.

entropy

I’m very much alive. And, god help me, in fucking Philadelphia. I can’t overstate how much I hate it here.

Spur

Pro- tip. Dont owe money to Marvin Harrison.

Spur

How was prison? Any cool stories?

entropy

Actually? It SUCKED.

King Hippo

HUZZAH!!!

Senor Weaselo

HOLY SHIT HE LIVES! How you been, dude?

entropy

Glad to be back, shortest possible answer. There will be an explanation, eventually. How’s things with you?

And how about those Jets? It’s like no one ever learns not to make snap judgements after one game!

Senor Weaselo

I’m doin’, whatever that entails.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m pretty fucking pissed off if you must know.
I wrote you, msg’d you, was worried you were ded.

And while I’m happy to know you’re nawt ded, I’m still pretty fucking pissed off.

You know my numbers. Good luck asshole whom I love.

Let me rephrase that….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is but that ain’t it.

Spur

Also am hiring in Sacramento. Office Admin. Hours are 5:30am – 2:30pm. I will need head shots from the DFO.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Willing to apply. Headshots might not be impressive.

Will work for food.

Spur

How’s smooth is your ass?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nearly hairless….but a little saggy these days.

herodotus450

Does that inclued Saturdays?
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ballsofsteelandfury

Dick shots ok?

Spur

NO.

Spur

Weekdays only. B cups welcome with backup

Spur

so one of my remote workers lives in Florence SC and and the Hurricane is heading right at them. I gave them Friday off.
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Spur

Folks

Horatio Cornblower

I see Pat Robertson commanded Hurricane Florence to do no harm with the Carolinas, so with the exception of two very specific neighborhoods in the Carolinas, give or take a strip bar, I am hoping the Carolinas get absolutely walloped.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The Onion is on point today.

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Gratliff

You know it’s satire because in the real one, it’s two little girls

Senor Weaselo

They post that one every year I think.

Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Dolores Abernathy as a youngster.
(Raleigh, NC…muddafuckkas)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU9JoFKlaZ0

herodotus450

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herodotus450

Actually pretty smrt to not clean/fix up puerto rico from last year, so now this year’s hurricane season can’t do as much damage. Death tolls down! Mother nature sad. Can’t even get her numbers up.

King Hippo

Low energy!

King Hippo

there are many, many old trees there!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I have two 50 gallon barrels of gasoline in the shed.
Sorry tho, those are earmarked for Chapel Hill.

herodotus450

Steve Yzerman apparently stepped down as the Tampa Bay Lightning GM today; Martin St. Louis’ revenge plan is finally coming together…

herodotus450

pple forget there’s only one ‘a’ in Megadeth.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I really need to put in a pool.

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

It would be awesome to ride out a hurricane at the Capital Cabaret…

King Hippo

who knows what the young ladies would do all fearing imminent death??

/suggest the $300/$600 private room like always is what

theeWeeBabySeamus

You have my attention, Spartanburg.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla
King Hippo

they all can’t be super-cool, handsome, charismatic black guys who smoke on the sly!

Redshirt

I gotta admit, I like Candidate Obama. I was very close to voting for him in ’08 (my pen was in his bubble on the Ohio Scantron Ballot).

herodotus450

Remember when Obama got reelected with like 52% of the popular vote and the Lamestream conservative media peed their pants about how he didn’t have a “mandate to rule” because of the low margin of victory?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I ‘member dat.

Redshirt

If any Commentists are in the Carolinas, best of luck to you. I wish you safe, open roads in the Hurricane Routes or safety if you’re going to stay and face the Wraths of God and Mother Nature head on.

King Hippo

Hippo gon’ to Spartanburg Thursday around noon. Or ass-crack of dawn if they end up cancelling school outright. Cats gonna be pissed off.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_WfLgVeEBw

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Sticking at home. Kinda hoping no trees come down. Also kinda hoping they do.
(tWBS be loving his chainsaw)

Wakezilla

I’m not a fan of the facial surgery, but, Nicki Minaj: Still fine and still would. . .Specially in that lime green wig.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bvLphVWHpo

theeWeeBabySeamus

As a proud recipient of facial (let me rephrase that) surgery, I hereby smite you, Sir.

King Hippo

she does less than nothing for me, pre or post. Think she is a generational thing. Younger folk are all like YARP.

Wakezilla

Yeah, I know I’m in the minority on this site.

/Don’t care.

/More for me

Redshirt

Agreed. I’m more into natural beauty. Some people nowadays try too hard. Take Snookie for example. Once you sandblast and pressure wash all that make up off her face, you’ll find a decently pretty girl under there.

Brick Meathook

I was fucking her the other night and she asked me if I had any friends.

I said no.

Horatio Cornblower

You weren’t lying.

Redshirt

Got a Absentee Ballot Application Form in the mail that explained how to get an absentee ballot sent to you, how to find out where to vote, and how and where to vote early.

So its nice to know the state of Ohio doesn’t monitor my social media and internet history or else there’s no way they would’ve helped me out. On the other hand, this may mean their records have been updated and I’m no considered a registered Democrat (you’re registered based on what primary you choose which is a lot like saying I’m a Browns fan because I watched them last Sunday). That may explain why I didn’t get one of these for years.

Gratliff

Now that you’re in the club, we can teach you how to do a voter fraud

Redshirt

You kidding? I’m in the 2nd Congressional District of Ohio. It doesn’t matter if I vote Democrat or blank, it still not going to make a difference.

herodotus450

“Trump Cancels Trip to Ireland… because he still doesn’t understand its relationship to England, UK, Great Britain after 12-hour briefing on the subject.”

Horatio Cornblower

To be fair, I’m of Irish descent and a history major and I don’t fully understand it either.

Redshirt

Really? Everyone picked the Ravens to beat the Bills in the Survivor Pool?

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least one of us picked Birdcano to take down the Redacteds.
This didn’t go as planned.

King Hippo

I took RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!

Col. Duke LaCross

I RRRRRRRRRRRAMMEDD it as well.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

This is what Soylent Green looks like:
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Ian Scott McCormick

Feels weird as a Yankee fan hoping the Twins go down tonight.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

hoping the Twins go down tonight.

herodotus450

It sounds good in theory but getting the twins to go down is usually more trouble than it’s worth.

King Hippo

McPoyle!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

OH GODDAMMIT!!! ANOTHER YANKS FAN??????

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I’m pretty excited about this:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/brett-kavanaugh-debts-sheldon-whitehouse_us_5b982a36e4b0511db3e6e487

A Senator finally asked Kavanaugh questions about his “debt” that mysteriously appeared and just as mysteriously disappeared and whether or not it was related to gambling.

herodotus450

Kavanaugh could shoot someone in broad daylight on 5th avenue and he’s still gonna get confirmed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like if he was shooting anything it would be in the darkness of an alley and it would be dice.

King Hippo

part 2 of the Kamala Harris bear trap

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

A new Clutch album dropped last Friday and I finally got a chance to listen to it earlier today. There’s a song about their front man becoming President and I particularly enjoyed these lines in the chorus:

First thing that I’m gonna do is disclose all those U.F.O.s
Put Jimi Hendrix on the 20 dollar bill
And Bill Hicks on a five note

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuphcpY5a5A

litre_cola

One of the most surprising bands i have seen live. Saw them at Riotfest in Denver and they were unreal. I had no idea.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Most people haven’t heard of them, but if they see them live those people lose their minds. Happened when Yeah Right and I saw them in San Bernardino last year

ballsofsteelandfury

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King Hippo

NAWT as good as teh Sunny episode

ballsofsteelandfury

Did the Sunny episode have tits?

King Hippo

It had SWEET DEE, that’s enough!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

SHUT UP, BIRD!!!!!!

Ian Scott McCormick

September 11th and a New York team is playing at Target Field. Points for synergy, I suppose.

King Hippo

“Quality shade!” – Mohammad Atta

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, this is fucking banner material right here, folks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

fucking banner

Horatio Cornblower

Buddy, they won’t even let me fuck the banner…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Waiting for the first Waiver Wire of my money league season to process (8p EST). SO EXCITE! Hoping for a reasonable TE and better backup QB (or Lindsay)

ballsofsteelandfury

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ballsofsteelandfury

Somehow someway, Private Lessons is on at 4 PM Pacific. No way in hell that movie gets made today.

And there’s a nipple!

ballsofsteelandfury

Wait, the kid fucked her to death?!? I don’t remember this…

ballsofsteelandfury

Holy shit, that’s Johnny Fever!

SonOfSpam

Are you watching an 80s teen sex romp or tripping balls?

ballsofsteelandfury

Can’t it be both?

Redshirt

Hmm. I didn’t know Skinemax had a beta(max) prototype.

ballsofsteelandfury

Blax’s Serial was amazingly good. He captured the tone and voice just perfectly.

World War G is already truth.

Wakezilla

Today is a sad day. Today, Norm Macdonald defended Roseanne Barr and Louis CK. Today forever shall be known as 9/11. #ThankyouGodbless

SonOfSpam

It’s like his ego hijacked the interview off course and crashed it, and his reputation and career tumbled down one after the other, crushing people’s spirits like those spirits were first responders. If only there was an apt analogy for this event on this darkest of days.

Redshirt

The only way they could be defended is if they immediately owned up for their transgressions, made sincere apologies, and make geniune effects to make up for their failings.

So, yeah. They’re both indefensible.

SonOfSpam

Idea for a series: “Cereal” in which Andy Reid spends 13 hour-long episodes trying to find out who ate his Cap’n Crunch.

Senor Weaselo

It was him earlier that day.

SonOfSpam

SPOILER ALERT PLEEZ