NFL News:
- A hilarious week for new NFL coaches ends with them racking up a 0-7 record, the first time that has happened.
- It’s also the worst since new hires went 0-6 in 2001.
- Those coaches? Gregg Williams (Buffalo Bills), Butch Davis (Cleveland Browns), Dick Vermeil (Kansas City Chiefs), Herm Edwards (New York Jets), Marty Mornhinweg (Detroit Lions) and Marty Schottenheimer (Washington [*Redacted] s).
- It’s also the worst since new hires went 0-6 in 2001.
- Apologizing for making the Browns kiss their sister, NFL Head of Officiating Al Riveron admitted Myles Garrett shouldn’t have been flagged for roughing the passer.
- It was the only incorrect roughing penalty the NFL acknowledged from the weekend.
- The Jets apparently knew the Lions signals.
- “That’s called studying. That’s called studying,” new corner Trumaine Johnson said.
- He attributed the knowledge from studying game tape, and recognizing that little had changed between seasons.
- From up New England way, a cranky voice in the wind uttered “grumble grumble“.
- He attributed the knowledge from studying game tape, and recognizing that little had changed between seasons.
- It’s the second time since 2015 that the Lions have been accused of tipping their plays.
- It speaks to either:
- the unoriginality of Lions OCs; or
- Matt Stafford can only ‘member five or six play calls.
- It speaks to either:
- “That’s called studying. That’s called studying,” new corner Trumaine Johnson said.
- Doug Baldwin has a partially torn MCL.
- No timeline for his return as yet.
I’m going to add even more self-promotion to my run of crap I’ve fed into the site so far this week and, in light of the Raiders bedshitting last night, take this opportunity to remind you all of the serialized tome I presented over the summer.
World War G – a pre-apocalyptic perspective on what happens when a TV analyst returns to the swamp that sired him, and the bowl-cutted dingus who even contemplated the idea for longer than it was worth. Eight gripping chapters of the most frightening look inside the Oakland Raiders since Al Davis’ estate lawyers valued it for state inheritance tax purposes. Cover courtesy my warped mind & Low Commander’s photoshop skills.
It’ll likely be fact by the end of the season.
For all the new Commentists, this is the kind of stuff people do in the off-season. Read a book or watch a movie or miniseries; adapt the scenario to fit your DFO narrative; and put it on the site for all to see. One of the longest, most successful serials ever run on the site was Hard Ride To Nowhere by Beastmode Ate My Baby. Of course, a criminally underappreciated serial was Serial by Blaxabbath. However, given the fact that the individual memorialized in Blax’s Serial now gets commotion cérébrale for the Montreal Alouettes, the less said about him the better.
It’s a long way of getting to the point: if you have any good ideas, let us know & I’m sure we can find space for them. We always appreciate new voices willing to feed the #content machine.
Tonight’s sports:
- MLB:
- Jays at Red Sox – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- Brewers at Cubs – 8:00PM | MLBN
- Padres at Mariners – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
- Futbol:
- International Friendly: U.S. vs. Mexico – 9:00PM | ESPN / UNI
- WWE:
- Smackdown Live! – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
- the “go-home” show before Hell In A Cell
- Smackdown Live! – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
Sports programming:
- Comeback Season: Sports After 9/11
- 7:00PM | ESPN
- 8:30PM | TSN3
Sports-less nights like these make me grateful football is back. ONE MONTH TO HOCKEY SEASON!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUVgkXVDkBA
Country AND football!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SO5Y1OuQIxo
I swear I thought that was a joke the first time I ever saw it mentioned in a “Bloom County” comic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RShoE41nSWI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db7Bgy5LxPw
Technically it’s from A country
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbNlMtqrYS0
You’re an evil man.
Holy shit you’re alive!
Rumors of my demise, greatly exaggerated, misquote, misquote, dick joke, smarmy emotional response. How’s it going?
Good man. Glad to see you around these parts!
I’m working my way back; things will be light for a bit, then we can all get back to hoping I go away again. It’ll be just like old times!
Imma be be pissed at you for a while. Mostly because I love you and I thought you were dead and I don’t appreciate that shit you asshole.
Check your email, Seamus. All is revealed.
Yeah, I see it.
I can’t not love you, you damned asshead.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvZeYDBY4fw
Not country. Still good:
https://youtu.be/HnQ89jZvZD0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtVeDaZxAXo
One of my favorites, even if I did almost run out of gas between Amarillo and New Mexico.
Balls, will Mexico eventually start caring and whip the Ugly Americans? HAIL GAMBLOR!
Noap. This has 0-0 written all over it.
Unless there is a red card.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SYbSPO6iqE
Spur has spread his seed knowing how to two step. i recommend to any drought DFO males to learn how to 2 step
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoIKv3xxuMA
That’s not good cuntry. He’s from fucking Australia.
It’s dusty and Inbreed.
Some things are worse than celibacy ,, ppl forget that
I have attempted to learn Baroque dancing (for a class), swing dancing (well, I went for someone’s birthday thinking that was my last thing I needed to do), and bachata (cellist has tried to teach me with acceptable enough results, like naturally having rhythm).
Swing dancing is dumb, as it’s 6-count, but the music’s in 4.
I noes you assholes can’t get good cuntry music into yo’ brains. But there is some good cuntry, so suck it….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg
Is Tuesday DFO country night? Asking for a Friend.
Today it is. Gird yourself.
There is no such animal as good country.
Also, I’m back.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU ASSHOLE I GOT A BIG BONE TO PICK WITH YOU EVEN IF I AM OVERJOYED TO SEE YOU.
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!
Dude, trust me: it’s a tale. I’ll get with you by other media.
Posting will be light as I get shit back into what passes for shape for me, but it is good to see you degenerates again.
Dude, I’m just happy you’re alive. Reach out when you can and/or want to.
I’m very much alive. And, god help me, in fucking Philadelphia. I can’t overstate how much I hate it here.
Pro- tip. Dont owe money to Marvin Harrison.
How was prison? Any cool stories?
Actually? It SUCKED.
HUZZAH!!!
HOLY SHIT HE LIVES! How you been, dude?
Glad to be back, shortest possible answer. There will be an explanation, eventually. How’s things with you?
And how about those Jets? It’s like no one ever learns not to make snap judgements after one game!
I’m doin’, whatever that entails.
I’m pretty fucking pissed off if you must know.
I wrote you, msg’d you, was worried you were ded.
And while I’m happy to know you’re nawt ded, I’m still pretty fucking pissed off.
You know my numbers. Good luck asshole whom I love.
Let me rephrase that….
There is but that ain’t it.
Also am hiring in Sacramento. Office Admin. Hours are 5:30am – 2:30pm. I will need head shots from the DFO.
Willing to apply. Headshots might not be impressive.
Will work for food.
How’s smooth is your ass?
Nearly hairless….but a little saggy these days.
Does that inclued Saturdays?
?n=2431
Dick shots ok?
NO.
Weekdays only. B cups welcome with backup
so one of my remote workers lives in Florence SC and and the Hurricane is heading right at them. I gave them Friday off.
Folks
I see Pat Robertson commanded Hurricane Florence to do no harm with the Carolinas, so with the exception of two very specific neighborhoods in the Carolinas, give or take a strip bar, I am hoping the Carolinas get absolutely walloped.
The Onion is on point today.
You know it’s satire because in the real one, it’s two little girls
They post that one every year I think.
Dolores Abernathy as a youngster.
(Raleigh, NC…muddafuckkas)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU9JoFKlaZ0
Actually pretty smrt to not clean/fix up puerto rico from last year, so now this year’s hurricane season can’t do as much damage. Death tolls down! Mother nature sad. Can’t even get her numbers up.
Low energy!
Can someone help me figure out how to pray for the safety of the Carolinas but still hope Duke gets destroyed?
there are many, many old trees there!
I have two 50 gallon barrels of gasoline in the shed.
Sorry tho, those are earmarked for Chapel Hill.
Steve Yzerman apparently stepped down as the Tampa Bay Lightning GM today; Martin St. Louis’ revenge plan is finally coming together…
pple forget there’s only one ‘a’ in Megadeth.
I really need to put in a pool.
It would be awesome to ride out a hurricane at the Capital Cabaret…
who knows what the young ladies would do all fearing imminent death??
/suggest the $300/$600 private room like always is what
You have my attention, Spartanburg.
The Onion does it again!
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Dm2noHzV4AEH0Kh?format=jpg
they all can’t be super-cool, handsome, charismatic black guys who smoke on the sly!
I gotta admit, I like Candidate Obama. I was very close to voting for him in ’08 (my pen was in his bubble on the Ohio Scantron Ballot).
Remember when Obama got reelected with like 52% of the popular vote and the Lamestream conservative media peed their pants about how he didn’t have a “mandate to rule” because of the low margin of victory?
I ‘member dat.
If any Commentists are in the Carolinas, best of luck to you. I wish you safe, open roads in the Hurricane Routes or safety if you’re going to stay and face the Wraths of God and Mother Nature head on.
Hippo gon’ to Spartanburg Thursday around noon. Or ass-crack of dawn if they end up cancelling school outright. Cats gonna be pissed off.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_WfLgVeEBw
Sticking at home. Kinda hoping no trees come down. Also kinda hoping they do.
(tWBS be loving his chainsaw)
I’m not a fan of the facial surgery, but, Nicki Minaj: Still fine and still would. . .Specially in that lime green wig.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bvLphVWHpo
As a proud recipient of facial (let me rephrase that) surgery, I hereby smite you, Sir.
she does less than nothing for me, pre or post. Think she is a generational thing. Younger folk are all like YARP.
Yeah, I know I’m in the minority on this site.
/Don’t care.
/More for me
Agreed. I’m more into natural beauty. Some people nowadays try too hard. Take Snookie for example. Once you sandblast and pressure wash all that make up off her face, you’ll find a decently pretty girl under there.
I was fucking her the other night and she asked me if I had any friends.
I said no.
You weren’t lying.
Got a Absentee Ballot Application Form in the mail that explained how to get an absentee ballot sent to you, how to find out where to vote, and how and where to vote early.
So its nice to know the state of Ohio doesn’t monitor my social media and internet history or else there’s no way they would’ve helped me out. On the other hand, this may mean their records have been updated and I’m no considered a registered Democrat (you’re registered based on what primary you choose which is a lot like saying I’m a Browns fan because I watched them last Sunday). That may explain why I didn’t get one of these for years.
Now that you’re in the club, we can teach you how to do a voter fraud
You kidding? I’m in the 2nd Congressional District of Ohio. It doesn’t matter if I vote Democrat or blank, it still not going to make a difference.
“Trump Cancels Trip to Ireland… because he still doesn’t understand its relationship to England, UK, Great Britain after 12-hour briefing on the subject.”
To be fair, I’m of Irish descent and a history major and I don’t fully understand it either.
Really? Everyone picked the Ravens to beat the Bills in the Survivor Pool?
At least one of us picked Birdcano to take down the Redacteds.
This didn’t go as planned.
I took RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!
I RRRRRRRRRRRAMMEDD it as well.
This is what Soylent Green looks like:
Feels weird as a Yankee fan hoping the Twins go down tonight.
It sounds good in theory but getting the twins to go down is usually more trouble than it’s worth.
McPoyle!!!
OH GODDAMMIT!!! ANOTHER YANKS FAN??????
So I’m pretty excited about this:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/brett-kavanaugh-debts-sheldon-whitehouse_us_5b982a36e4b0511db3e6e487
A Senator finally asked Kavanaugh questions about his “debt” that mysteriously appeared and just as mysteriously disappeared and whether or not it was related to gambling.
Kavanaugh could shoot someone in broad daylight on 5th avenue and he’s still gonna get confirmed.
I feel like if he was shooting anything it would be in the darkness of an alley and it would be dice.
part 2 of the Kamala Harris bear trap
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdLYCjTACpQ
A new Clutch album dropped last Friday and I finally got a chance to listen to it earlier today. There’s a song about their front man becoming President and I particularly enjoyed these lines in the chorus:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuphcpY5a5A
One of the most surprising bands i have seen live. Saw them at Riotfest in Denver and they were unreal. I had no idea.
Most people haven’t heard of them, but if they see them live those people lose their minds. Happened when Yeah Right and I saw them in San Bernardino last year
NAWT as good as teh Sunny episode
Did the Sunny episode have tits?
It had SWEET DEE, that’s enough!!
SHUT UP, BIRD!!!!!!
September 11th and a New York team is playing at Target Field. Points for synergy, I suppose.
“Quality shade!” – Mohammad Atta
OK, this is fucking banner material right here, folks.
Buddy, they won’t even let me fuck the banner…
Waiting for the first Waiver Wire of my money league season to process (8p EST). SO EXCITE! Hoping for a reasonable TE and better backup QB (or Lindsay)
Somehow someway, Private Lessons is on at 4 PM Pacific. No way in hell that movie gets made today.
And there’s a nipple!
Wait, the kid fucked her to death?!? I don’t remember this…
Holy shit, that’s Johnny Fever!
Are you watching an 80s teen sex romp or tripping balls?
Can’t it be both?
Hmm. I didn’t know Skinemax had a beta(max) prototype.
Blax’s Serial was amazingly good. He captured the tone and voice just perfectly.
World War G is already truth.
Today is a sad day. Today, Norm Macdonald defended Roseanne Barr and Louis CK. Today forever shall be known as 9/11. #ThankyouGodbless
It’s like his ego hijacked the interview off course and crashed it, and his reputation and career tumbled down one after the other, crushing people’s spirits like those spirits were first responders. If only there was an apt analogy for this event on this darkest of days.
The only way they could be defended is if they immediately owned up for their transgressions, made sincere apologies, and make geniune effects to make up for their failings.
So, yeah. They’re both indefensible.
Idea for a series: “Cereal” in which Andy Reid spends 13 hour-long episodes trying to find out who ate his Cap’n Crunch.
It was him earlier that day.
SPOILER ALERT PLEEZ