Your “We Aren’t Family!” Sunday Night NFL Football Open Thread

Outside of Aaron and his family no one much knows why he and his family are estranged. In tonight’s episode of Wildly Irresponsible Speculation, I thought I/you (down below) might throw some ideas together as to the reasons. I’ll use some of my own experiences and those of people in the public spotlight to whip up some ideas.

-He was regarded as little other than a tool to accrue wealth for the whole gang. (MacCauley Caulkin)

-His porn star parents were extraordinarily disruptive on-set during his nascent film career. (Thora Birch)

-When he was kidnapped his family refused to pay the full amount of the ransom and he lost a part of his ear as a result. (J.P. Getty III)

-Now that he’s successful, his family thinks of him as a real, live ATM. (Dana Carvey)

-Father introduced him to coke and incest. (Mackenzie Phillips)

-Father accused him of having ‘mental issues’. (Angelina Jolie)

-Mother took him to court to get her monthly allowance raised from $7,500 to $10,000. (Leighton Meester)

-His mother’s spaghetti wasn’t really that good. (Eminem)

-His father tended to be very preachy. (Madonna)

-His parents were, in his words, “Tearing him apart!” (James Dean)

-His dad would walk through the house at all hours yelling “STELLA!” (Christian Brando)

I’m sure y’all can think of more. TO THE GAME!

Pack/Pats:

Edelman is in and Gronk and rb Michel might be out. They’re thought to be game-timers. Green Bay has been creative at getting pressure and that has resulted in 3.3 sacks per game to date. Clinton-Dix is gone so there may be some shuffling in the secondary. If you know what’s good for you, turn the damn audio off.

You’ve got something in your teeth.

 

 

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Old School Zero

Remember, no matter what happens this Tuesday, there’s only one right side you can be on: The Accelerationists. The only way to end all of this bullshit is to bring about the end of times for everyone. As Tom Lehrer sang so long ago: We’ll All Go Together When We Go!

Old School Zero

Bullshit. I’m no filthy eye-talian. Nor am I a dirty Irish!

herodotus450

My theory: college football is an international conspiracy to prop up Alabama to make them forget they have the bomb.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRLON3ddZIw

Viva La Tabula Raza

My dad had all the Lehrer albums, to which I listened religiously from the moment I could operate a record player. I think spending those 6 or 7 years until I started listening to popular music etc. really informed my warped sense of humour.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

Thanksgiving > Christmas

Dolph Ucker

Way better. All the food and football. No conspicuous consumption orgy. No stupid Thanksgiving carols. Less religion.. none if you do it right. Christmas is for children. Mostly the dumb, greedy ones.

yeah right

I’ve got to figure out a way to give my 13 year old granddaughter the complete Queen discography.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Duh.”
–My fellow Jews and Me

Dolph Ucker

That was a catch too.

yeah right

I hereby on this day challenge Jesus Christ to a pork chop throw down!

nomonkeyfun

I think you might beat him. Dead members of the tribe don’t eat much pork.

yeah right

I was banking on it.

Spur

Wahlberg Buys Some Illegals The Movie

Dolph Ucker

That was a catch.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

god damn I hate the P*triots.

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Spur

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Spur

one more drink?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’m on it.

nomonkeyfun

If you can ask that question, the answer is yes.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I’d have a Margarita, but I’m already at my maximum recommended level of SALTINESS

Mr. Ayo

Great idea!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I need a combined 43 points from Davante Adams’ second half and DAK DAK DAK. I’m SOL.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I wonder if any Patriots fans ever get annoyed at having literally all of their victories tainted by shady shit like this?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Doubtful

Doktor Zymm

If you asked a magic 8 ball, “No”

Viva La Tabula Raza

It certainly does take some of the shine off of things, although I would disagree that every single victory is a result of shitty calls. Hard to argue that “we” don’t seem get the benefit of questionable calls more often than the opponents though, tonight’s ejection of Whitehead is a prime example. Although we don’t know whether he said something objectionable.

Spur

no, they’re not the Steelers.

Doktor Zymm

So, I still wake up at 5 am, but I don’t hate life and things just aren’t horrible. California is better. Winter blows. It’s warm out, and I’m riding horses in short sleeves instead of being super depressed and eating entire pizzas by myself. How the hell does anyone live in the Midwest and be even slightly healthy? I couldn’t. I didn’t.

Doktor Zymm

It’s also way less overtly racist. Still implicitly racist, but…baby steps.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How are you voting on the dialysis prop?

Doktor Zymm

I actually hate that prop so much. It’s a horrible attempt to regulate a shitty industry, so I’ll probably vote ‘no’ because I don’t think the bill does what they say it does, but I’ll feel filthy doing it

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s where I’m leaning, too. So many initiatives!

Doktor Zymm

My default is to vote ‘no’ unless there’s a good reason not to, if it’s not clearly better than the status quo, it’s a no

WCS

There’s a reason flyover country votes the way they do: they’re all miserable.

Old School Zero

Very few of my friends from high school and college that stayed in the midwest have fared well. Most went up to the Twin Cities and got a hyphenated last name and a baby. Others got into motorcycles and not taking care of themselves. One thankfully got sober. Lots just look like that round mound of let down that most Midwesterners do. Some that turned to buddhism and activism did not. But yet another went from peace corps to library director in a tiny town and is despondent any time a date goes wrong. I’m so glad I got away.

Doktor Zymm

It’s not a good place. I describe it as the 50’s with more pre-marital sex, and I don’t think I’m wrong. The friends I made were all outsiders, Mexicans, Queers, or other people who didn’t fit into that shit. Being there in my late 20’s….marrying into that shit….NO.

Old School Zero

Agree. The ones I know (and have stayed in contact with) surviving are the odd ducks. And that’s not easy, especially when February is gray and dead and awful.

Doktor Zymm

I had friends there, but I don’t think I would have survived many more years. I had legit health effects, mainly weight gain and depression that are attributable. I still have unhealthy relationships, but trying to talk dude into moving before he goes the same way :/

Doktor Zymm

(Spoiler, too late, he’s from Boston, an alcoholic and likes the Pats)

Spur

Every time i go home to Texas. The low cost of everything blows me away. Then i dig below and see the lack of public services and infrastructure.

Give me 1Gig Internet in rural America and I bet a lot of us will move to flyover cities.

herodotus450

But how do the bums get wiped out every year if there’s no winter?

Brick Meathook

Oh, California has a lot of dark, dark secrets. You’ll start discovering them over time. Some of it is absolutely mind-boggling, and no one ever talks about them. They’re afraid to talk about them.

ballsofsteelandfury

Sh!! You may have said too much.

Old School Zero

Anyone else listen to The Magnus Archives podcast?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Uncle Ed: “I once knew this chick from South Boston whose street walking name was Hannah John. She later stopped prostituting and would grift people into thinking she was Elton’s bastard child.”

Doktor Zymm

Good for her!

Doktor Zymm

Not an ejection, but sure, unsportsmanlike. But yeah, not an ejection

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

That’s what I told the judge when I was driving drunk and got into an accident with my seatbelt on!

herodotus450

Also what _I_ told the judge when he reduced the charges to public indecency.

herodotus450

“I’m still scratching my ahead about the ejection of Whitehead.”
Well Chris that is usually what happens when you scratch too hard.

Old School Zero

+1 Dr. Pimple Popper YouTube Video

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Uncle Ed once said, “I swear to God, I thought Shannon Sharpe was Sterling’s wife for way too long.”

the Alpha and the Amoeba

incest? NO, WINCEST!

The Maestro

Spur

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Mr. Ayo

Bow to your corncob god.

jjfozz

elaving to get another bullettt bourbone cause fuck nmondays

Doktor Zymm

I just poured about 6 shots of bourbon into my drink. I really, really, shouldn’t finish this. When my sentences start to be ungrammatical please, please urge me to leave me drink and go to bed.

Mr. Ayo

I just checked. Your still good to go.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Go to bed,

jjfozz

i’ll do the same so we cancel out each others bad typing

Dolph Ucker

Rodger’s 2-minute drill coming up.

herodotus450

“Tell me about it.”
-Olivia M. and Danica P. in unison

litre_cola

Did he also bang Lindsay Vonn? She makes the athlete rounds.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Jealousy does not become you, herod

jjfozz

I’d rather drink a cup of diarrhea thtn watch that grinch movie

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Well, you know the Patriot’s motto. If at first you don’t succeed, cheat and bribe the officials

WCS

THAH FACKIN’ GREATRIOTS WAHY

jjfozz

Ok, you force Collinsworth face into a blender, with super sharp blades, you basically mawl off most of his mouth. You coat his mouth with butter and bananas. You cook that up nice, then you throw his ass into a pen full of starving monkeys. then, Merry xmas!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

THESE REFS TONIGHT I CALL THEM JACK FROM TWITTER BECAUSE THEY’RE SIDING WITH NAZIS AND ALSO PREVENTING US FROM HANGING OUT WITH MAKEITSNOW

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Personally, I prefer LETITSNOW
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the Alpha and the Amoeba

Really, REALLY!?!?!?! Ejected for putting a pompous Patriot cunt in his place?!?!?! Fuck that

Doktor Zymm

LAME

Viva La Tabula Raza

Ejection for that was ridiculous.

jjfozz

oh christ hwat a fucking bullshti dicksucking call

Petronel

Whitehead got popped (for poppin’)

Doktor Zymm

All this talk about Baltimore makes me nostalgic about doing coke in an alley

jjfozz

and throwing up on a homeless person

Doktor Zymm

Hell no, I don’t throw up while doing coke. Even the time I had food poisoning from undercooked crabs I just shat out 5 lbs

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The Inner Harbor Trash Diet

Dolph Ucker

Are they seriously throwing him out of the game for that? Lame.

jjfozz

“Mr. Michaels, can I get you something to drink?”
“I’ll have a UUUUUGE cup of coffee!”
“Mr. Collinsworth?”
“No thanks dear, the fountains of white hot Patriots jizz cascading down my throat and face are keeping me nice and toasty.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Should have euthanized the 22 year old douchebro

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, at least he won’t be adding to the gene pool in future.

Petronel

That’s an Under Armour ad right there.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can’t wait until Tom Brady retires and they build a statue in Foxboro celebrating him as the G.O.A.T.
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Doktor Zymm

And the Satanic Church will sue them for copyright violations and I will be HAPPY

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Suddenly screaming “HAIL SATAN!” at the top of my lungs at Roommate Commander’s church makes me feel dirty.

Spur

this game needs more decapitation and thorn ACLs.

jjfozz

I want to see a goat butt collinsworth in his balls.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Buddy had 2017 Kentucky Breakfast Stout and Stone Xocoveza on Friday.

KBS was okay, it’s a ton of coffee going on, not a fan of that. The Stone was bonkers. It’s a “Mexican hot chocolate” style so it’s brewed with peppers, vanilla, nutmeg, and a bunch of shit. Recommend both.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Were they autumnal?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The KBS isn’t (that’s April-July I think) they just somehow had a year old of tap of it. Stone Xocoveza is, just came out last month.

...

They released a Canadian Breakfast Stout last winter and while I had high hopes, I thought it was merely pretty good.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I realize this is heresy among beerheads, but I hate IPAs. Stouts with coffee aren’t my thing either.

jjfozz

I went to mass today and you know what? it was nice.

Doktor Zymm

Modern religion is mostly positive, I almost wish I could be part of a community like that

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I mean you drink enough as is, listen to organ music on a Sunday to boot!

herodotus450

I can’t go for the same reason I never made it in porn: no one gets to tell me when to kneel.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

3 more Davante Adams TDs and I have a chance.

jjfozz

Jamie foxx in robin hood, because why the fuck not

Old School Zero

These “aliens” look like Devo music video extra rejects. But Data’s hair is IMMACULATE.

yeah right

Celebration weed!

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Skol!

yeah right

SKOL Brother!

litre_cola

We have had a Jimmy Graham basketball reference and a cutaway of Pike’s market fish throwing in the Seattle game. All we need is a Jerome Bettis is from Detroit and we are in business.

Senor Weaselo

Would that be a bingo or a yahtzee?

jjfozz

To anyone who cares, last night I broke my record for most days wihtout sitting on my balls. god I hate that.

nomonkeyfun

Good news. If you do that tonight, you’ll never know.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO0OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Fronkenshteen

This is reeeeealy bad play calling.

Spur

Graham Down with be nice