Some Biznessings
DFO is going to re-start the infamous “Mailbag” type of thing. BrettFavresColonoscopy is the point man, but it seems a lot of us might be manning the wheel from week to week. It’s still taking form.
But if you have a burning question, if you have some life issue you need advice with…..or if you just have a personal question about any of us (no promises) please do send your inquiries here….
We’re going to have some fun with this. So come and have some fun with us.
(phrasing)
–
Dead Tree
Christmas Eve is three days away and I don’t have a Christmas tree.
I did have one. I don’t anymore.
It was a beautiful Frasier Fir. I spent hours picking this tree out. It had no bad spots. It was perfect.
After purchasing the aforementioned tree, I put it into the back of Dave and lovingly transported it home. Upon arriving home, I responsibly fired up the chainsaw, without cutting off my own foot mind you, and took off about a half inch on the bottom (phrasing). I then placed it into the tree stand, balanced it just right, and brought it into the house.
Then, with great care did I string the lights. Then added the gold and brass ornaments. The Angel on the top, as always, of course.
This tree was gorgeous.
Don’t believe me? Just look at my shitty cell phone photo here….
Then I went out of town for two and a half weeks and Mom forgot to water the damned thing. When one insists upon putting up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving (her), then one should remember to water the damned thing. Don’t you think?
When I got home last weekend, I immediately saw it was dry and dangerous. I still left it in place for a couple of days, added water, etc. But it just wasn’t happening. It wouldn’t drink by that point. Then a couple of days ago I tested a branch and it snapped like kindling. Then I thought of this….
So as I said….
I don’t have a Christmas Tree now. Well technically I do, but it’s now outside on the burn pile.
But on the bright side, I also don’t have any fire damage and my homeowner’s insurance isn’t going up.
–
Santa Has A Pretty Easy Job, I Think
Seriously. I mean sure, he works a 24 hour shift. But for only one day a year. The rest of the time he has a bunch of underpaid midgets doing his job for him. He’s got flying reindeer. Eight of ’em. Nine if you count that other red nosed freak. I DON’T EVEN HAVE ONE!?!?!?!?!?
And when he gets done doing his 24 hour shift once a year, he gets to go home, get hammered, and bang Mrs. Claus for 364 days.
Sounds like a pretty sweet deal.
Frankly, I think the guy is a huge fat lazy jerk. And I think he ought to be brought up on charges for mistreating his little employees.
He’s probably not properly caring for his flying reindeer in accordance with local laws either.
I’M STILL WAITING ON THAT COLECOVISION YOU PROMISED ME IN 1982 YOU FAT ASSHOLE!!!!!!!
–
Sports To Make You Merry 2Nite
NHL
- Buffalo @ Washington – 7:00pmEST – TV: NBCSN
NBA
- Milwaukee @ Boston – 8:00pmEST – TV: ESPN
- New Orleans @ LAL – 10:30pmEST – TV: ESPN
NCAA Hoops
- Detroit @ Xavier – 7:00pmEST – TV: FS2
- NC A&T @ Minnestota – 8:00pmEST – TV: B1GN
- (24)Furman @ LSU – 8:00pmEST – TV: SECN
- (14)Buffalo @ (20)Marquette – 8:30pmEST – TV: FS1
- N. Arizona @ Utah – 9:00pmEST – TV: PAC12N
- Sacramento State @ UDub – 9:00pmEST – TV:PAC12N
- Penn State @ Bama – 9:00pmEST – TV: SECN
- Oklahoma @ Northwestern – 9:00pmEST – TV: B1GN
- Providence @ Texas – 9:00pmEST – TV: ESPN2
- San Jose State @ Cal – 10:00pmEST – TV: PAC12N
- S. Utah @ USC – 11:00pmEST – TV: PAC12N
Bowl Mania
By the time you read this, the shitty bowl games from today will be over.
FIU, without its starting QB and also without its absconding RB, will probably still have beaten Toledo. But….Go Rockets!!!!!
And BYU will probably be showing off their their magic underpants after shaming Western Michigan. Which is nothing to brag about (no ofence, Broncos…but you’re overmatched probably).
But seriously, I’m probably wrong and….this is why one should never bet on bowl games. Just don’t do it.
(I’m looking at you, King Hippo )
–
Dear Mrs. Claus
When are you going to get a clue and leave that fat jerk and come let me treat you as you deserve?
He’s cheating on you!!!!!!
You also put up with those crazy little midgets. And you get neglected.
You have a place here whenever you decide. Call me.
Meh, screw it.
Enjoy…
Wow, Christmas came early apparently. So did I. Sorry about that. My Christmas balls are a bit fragile I suppose.
But you ladies go on and continue, I’ll sit over here and just watch…
Thanks Santa!!!!! You are totally forgiven for that whole Colecovision thing!!!!!!
Orrrrrr….maybe not. Jerk.
You got one last chance to pay up, shithead. I am not dicking around with your fat ass anymore.
–
OK I Guess We Gotta Do Christmas Now
Enjoy your holidays, everyone.
Please be safe. Don’t drink and drive or I’ll kill you.
Love ya’s.
Hallellujah, Holy shit, Where’s the Tylenol?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugjcwOy3rtM
–
We kind of dropped the ball on the lesser footy post. I blame it on Chelsea.
Having no outlet for my rage here I guess I will melt down on twitter.
“How the hell is this my fault????”
– Chelsea C.
So this is fun – yesterday I bought a new microwave because mine was unsalvageable. Yesterday my neighbors tossed theirs (same model as mine I believe) because the handle was broken. So now I have three microwaves.
I didn’t realize mongoose scavenged.
Make them compete with each other for your affection. Then dry hump a roomba right in front of them.
There appears to be no post for Lesser Footy, but holy shit did Crystal Palace just score a hell of a goal to go up 2-1 on Man Shitty.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to run off and pay the tuition for my daughter’s next semester in college.
/DFO can hear Horatio sobbing through the computer, without earbuds, for the rest of the day
That goal was amazeballs
FUCKING MOOSEBEES!!!!!!
Is it bad that I want to blast Andrew W.K. and wake up everyone in my household?
I know, I know, I need to wait for Christmas morning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4A1SiQkPqYM
You want to zig, but I think you should zag.
Go with Lenny Kravitz. NO ONE WOULD EVER EXPECT THAT!!!!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkURz6H0I0I
I will never, ever, ever give a +1 to a Lenny Kravitz video, but you should know that I am chuckling.
Yay!!!!!
Getting you to chuckle was my intention. AND I DON’T NEED YOUR +1 ANYWAY!!!!!
(totally needs your +1)
One more drink, then dishes, then bed.
Peaty scotch doesn’t taste quite as good after brushing your teeth
Gates of Heaven (d. Erroll Morris, 1978)
Guitar solo over the pet cemetery
https://youtube.com/watch?v=L972JZM7xms
https://youtube.com/watch?v=5P1pTey4rpI
I think I just had a fucking night terror. I’m lying in bed, somewhere between sleep and consciousness, my eyes kinda drift towards my closet AND THERE’S SOMETHING COMING AT ME JESUS CHRIST HOLY SHIT
……
I didn’t jump out of bed, but I did the thing where I jolted halfway up. After what I think is a solid 2 minutes I don’t see anything else.
That was 30 minutes ago. I can’t sleep now, that adrenaline rush was so fucking absurd. Damn
I hope Slipknot had something to do with that.
If you are having trouble sleeping you can always go read some stories: https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/
yeah, yeah, I’ve seen Tom Cruise too.
I used to have those. I attacked someone who wasn’t there once, and landed facefirst on the floor. I had black eyes, big floor burn on my face, the works. Inflicted an ass-kicking on myself. Don’t have them anymore, thank god.
We had the work get together at work. Holiday stuff! Heavy ass food!
I’ll get into that later.
I don’t as a rule share much of myself at work. These folks know that I love to cook and I share many Sunday Gravy money shots with them but that’s about it.
One of our guys asked me about the music I listen to.
I said “Well, it’s pretty aggressive.”
They asked “How aggressive?”
And I played them this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOVg7BtevYU
When in reality I was thinking this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLoYIBEZEfw
HAi. I am respomsible drunk. Home by 11. How is everyones festiveness?
I can’t see straight. Even with one eye. So everything is great!
I can’t find mistletoe for my penis, but I don’t think Lady BFC would call for that anyway.
Feeling good!
It does not feel like vacation yet
I’m working Christmas Eve and Mister Scrooge told me to go fuck myself.
Wow
Holy shit.
Obviously I went to bed too early last night.
Evening, all. Kill Bill Vol 2’s on Viceland.
This was almost 21 years ago already,
And yet my erection feels only about 10 minutes old.
Funny that.
Anyone giving fantasy football advice, or is it all tits, pills, & powders around here tonight?
Bet on tits all day. Be selective with the pills. Avoid all powders, except Nesquik or sugar.
Strawberry Nesquik > Chocolate Nesquik
“Pixie Stix are a wonderful thing,” said 8yo Senor. Do they still make them?
If you have listened to us you should have lost by now. GO FULHAM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjsPKkzm-EY
I saw this chair in Fredericksburg VA last week. The square beneath it is a mirror that shows there is a hole built in the seat; you place a chamber pot under the chair, lift off the seat cushion and use this chair as a toilet. It was made in the 1700s and George Washington, the Marquis de Lafayette, James Madison, James Monroe, Robert E. Lee, Washington Irving, and Irving Washington all took a shit in this chair. It has to be the single greatest chair in American history.
You were in Fredericksburg last week?
Ok, don’t take this the wrong way but I am so pissed at you right now.
Yes, I was there briefly to conduct a major sale of illegal narcotics. I guess I really shouldn’t say that out loud on the internet.
Were you there?
I was back and forth in the Petersburg/Fredericksburg corridor.
Who are you, Robert E. Lee?
I was in Frederick last week, but you probably are less interested in that.
/not really, but I do have a gay friend named Frederick. He grew up gay and black in Texas, which sounds like a pretty rough time. Awesome dude, though.
Washington Irving AND Irving Washington?
Free Oxycontin to whoever can name the reference!
+1 Catch 22 reference.
So Hippo is stalking you now.
Also: president most likely (excluding Clinton) to receive a blumpkin, who ya got?
Jefferson, for sure.
Well I just learned a new word.
“The Presidential Blumpkins” is my new upcoming political musical lampoon act; watch out, “The Capitol Steps”!
Yossarian strikes again!
WOO two weeks off starting now…
…plenty of time to get things done around the house. Many, many, many things to be done.
/smgdh
Just buy a new house and let someone else worry about the old one, problem solved!
Some stunning detective work just uncovered from the autists over on redd-barf-it: Marissa Tomei is, and was, attractive. Wish the russian bots would just take over the whole site and kill it.
Bruins aren’t sure if Bergeron will play tomorrow, he’s still dancing on the ceiling.
Lionel Richie likes this +1
Bunch of MST3K videos on youtube have annotations which appear, like some sort of video pop up, to explain the jokes as they happen.
“The Packers are an American Football team with fervent fans.”
Ok youtube.
Her brother Mike also writes some good ones.
Don’t tell local law enforcement, please, but I cut five buds off my best weed plant earlier and they are now drying, etc. etc.
Who needs a Christmas Tree?
Oh, shit, I’m the first person ever to be disappointed tWBS didn’t pimp me out.
Don’t forget, if you have advice requests, send them to [email protected]. I’ll throw up a reminder post too, but feed the #content monster people.
Oh holy shit dude, I completely forgot.
I’ll add it now.
Added up top.
The twbs house:
LOL
That’s the wrong H.Jon Benjamin supported vehicle for tWBS.
Not on brand
I miss that show.
we have one. hate it. not allowed to do stuff like that with it
I’ve already banned that shit when I have kids
I’ve met Mrs. Sharkbait. I don’t think she would have tolerated it anyway.
all the up-votes for this
Turned on the TV earlier and saw that the Idaho Potato Bowl was on. Thought it was a joke. nope.
Oh God Rondae Hollis-Jefferson just got rejected into hell by the rim. I thought the rim might have gotten called for a flagrant one. He survived, but it looks like that hurt.
“Yeah, so?” -Zion Williamson’s face
I’m rather pleased at the survival instincts I just displayed. I was taking down a bin in the garage, at about eye level, and a piece of plywood that some idiot* had left on top started sliding forward towards my face. Rather than taking it right in the teeth, I simply ducked my head forward and let it go right over the top.
“Bang!” said the sheet of plywood as it landed on the hood of my wife’s car and left a dent.
*me
Blame the dog.
The car is already pretty banged up, thought this is a bit worse than anything that is already there.
The wife has taken over the kitchen to prepare the dough to make Christmas cookies. She’s making 34 dozen small cookies.
i can help with any extras
/does the math…slowly
//carry the one
THAT’S A SHITLOAD OF COOKIES!!!!!!
Granted they’re like snap size colors but still. There are five mixing bowls being used right now. It’s kind of insane
Wait… you MAKE cookies? You don’t just eat the dough? The fuck is up with that?
Hey, who’s got two thumbs and is still at work?
/pokes eye out with thumb
//still has one last thing to finish at the office
///really wants to go home and more closely inspect this sexy Friday post